Sanity Is Overrated

After yesterday's bitchy rambling, things took an unexpected turn and I ended up going out, he ended up staying with me last night and he hung out here all day playing XBox with me, Trip and Shauna. What I can't quite get my brain around is how one person, without even trying and believing until recently that his behavior is meaningless, can have such a profound effect on my world. He's still in a blue mood and I float in and out... I was actually content for the first time in a week this morning when we woke up. I give it about 24 hours before it wears off. D'oh.

Me Vs. Me, Round 10

Issue #1: I've never been very good at sharing. Issue #2: Rarely does anyone ask me what I want. Issue #3: Far too often, I go along with what everyone else wants just to get to spend time with the people involved even if I don't really want to do whatever or go wherever we end up. I'm pretty easy going when it comes to that stuff. The last few days, all I've wanted to do is stay in and actually get some time alone with D, but that hasn't happened. I've ended up getting time alone with me and that's the last thing I need. Strangely enough, when I've been asked if I'm going to end up where he's going to end up, I've said no. I didn't want to go to the bar last night and I don't want to go out anywhere tonight and while I do want to see him, I don't want to go out. In fact, I'm so adamant about not wanting to go out that I haven't seen him since Wednesday. I've tried to figure out what my problem is and what it comes down to is this: he hasn't stayed the night here since Thanksgiving. Because he lives with his grandparents for the time being, I can't really stay with him. This whole thing is making me nuts but I feel guilty and selfish for wanting what I want. On top of that, it's depressing as hell to sit in the car in front of my house or his and look at each other and want to go in or want him to come in but end up going in alone. It kills me and makes me not want to go out at all. I feel like I've been exiled...like I'm being punished or something. And that's all I have to say about that.

Dreamless Sleep

Holy crap. I was in bed and asleep before 10 last night. What the hell? I got tons of sleep but, strangely, don't remember any of my dreams. Usually I dream a lot and remember most of them but, for about the last month, I haven't remembered a single one. Is that weird or what? Maybe there's something I'm trying to block out... Maybe I've just been so tired that my brain isn't processing everything correctly to produce dreams.... Maybe my dreams are being stolen by that freaky scientist guy in The City of Lost Children!!! Aaaggghhh!!! OK, whoa. Everything is going to be fine. Dude. Seriously. Relax. There is no freaky scientist guy and he's not stealing your dreams. Even if he was, all the dreams he steals end up being nightmares so you didn't want to remember dreaming that stuff anyway. So chill out. Geez. You're weird.

Back In Action...Sort Of

I'm feeling quite a bit better today. My only stress is work and I expect that to continue until I get settled into my new job in my own office with my own desk and have a clear cut idea of what my responsibilities are going to be. As always, I'm contemplating going out tonight. The mood I'm in later will dictate that decision but I would definitely not be opposed to a quiet night on the couch in front of a movie with dinner, a blanket and a fire in the fireplace.

The wind has been roaring all last night and today and the rain will likely get going full force right about the time I'm leaving work to walk down to my bus stop. At least it's almost Friday. I'm eating popcorn, Oreos and two chocolate covered caramels for lunch and I don't even feel guilty. Ok, maybe a little. Eddie and Steph both had little presents for me when I came back to work today...they said they were worried about me and missed having me around the past two days. That was cute. I need a nap...

It's Beyond My Control

I completely lost it yesterday. Completely. Before I go into how that went down, I need to precurse with a little background about me and my emotional well being. I can't remember a time growing up when I wasn't told that I was overly sensitive or too emotional. I am the most empathetic person I know and, as I'm sure I've mentioned before, an extreme emotional sponge. If someone I care about is down, I'm down. If they're hyper and in a good mood, the same holds true for me. I can not turn this off and it makes me feel helpless (can we say control issues?).

The last week or so has been a roller coaster for a couple of the people close to me and things have been especially bad since last Friday. Being around everyone as much as I am means I get tossed back and forth between happy and depressed every five minutes. I haven't been sleeping well and I've tried to keep some semblance of normalcy...I guess in an effort to be the solid, got-it-together girl I feel like people expect me to be. Between the sleeplessness and bottling myself up and starting to feel physically ill, things finally boiled over yesterday morning.

I felt like crap and had a fever when I got to work and was on the verge of tears from the get-go, so when my boss said good morning, I told her I felt sick and she sent me home, no questions asked. The minute I got out the door and to the crosswalk, the floodgates opened. Without even thinking, I called D and told him I'd been sent home from work. I wanted to tell him everything; the only thing I could say was that I was not ok and I didn't want to talk about it on the phone. The panic in his voice knocked some sense into me and I realized I must have come off like someone died or I had some life-threatening disease or something. I immediately apologized and said I shouldn't have called, shouldn't have started his day that way. I felt mean and selfish and desperately wished I had better control of myself and the situation but the tears wouldn't stop and the guilt magnified everything. I said he had things to do and I would talk to him later; he insisted he'd call before he had to be at the radio station at noon. About five minutes later, he called and said he wouldn't be able to function with the thoughts running through his head weighing on him all day and I needed to tell him what was going on. I gave him the Reader's Digest version and by the end of that conversation, he'd planned to come see me after he was done at the station so we could talk face to face.

When I got home, I went straight to bed and finally stopped crying and fell asleep about an hour and a half later. I napped for about four hours and still felt shitty, but heard a movie going in the living room, so I went out and parked it on the couch in my pajamas and panda slippers. Shauna and Trip didn't even hear me come in but when they realized I was in the room and got a good look at me, the tears started again and I told them what I'd done. They were too sweet about it, both trying to make me laugh and watching another movie and then music videos with me and ordering pizza. I'd finally gotten to where I could take a deep breath and stopped sniffling when the phone rang. D came over about an hour later and after sitting in the living room talking to Trip and Shauna for about twenty minutes, he motioned to my room and we went back to talk.

Needless to say, the tears started back up almost immediately after we shut the door and sat down. I layed out everything...what I'd been thinking and feeling and explained about the whole empathy thing and tried to make clear that he shouldn't feel guilty about feeling however he felt, but that I needed him to tell me what's going on so I don't start doubting myself or his feelings for me. By the time we were done, I felt a bit better about everything and where we are and we got to a point where we understood each other. I finally stopped crying and could breathe a little easier just knowing we can communicate well with each other and things would at some point go back to normal.

I still felt feverish and, even though I went to bed at 11:30 last night, physically exhausted when I woke up this morning so I called in sick today. Having a mental breakdown takes a lot out of a girl so I'm calling yesterday and today mental health days because if anyone needs to take some time for herself it's me. By tomorrow, I'll be back to my usual, middle-of-the-road self.

Reject

I'm being pushed away. It's painfully obvious. The last few days have felt like any effort from him has been forced and I don't know how to act or what to say or if it would make any difference anyway. When he looks at me, I see the urge to run fighting with whatever guilt he'll lay on himself when he finally does. I hate that I see it coming. And I hate that he keeps saying he'll call me when I know that's the last thing he wants to do.

Fresh New Day

I woke up this morning feeling blah and not at all rested. I'd expected to stay in last night but when Shauna woke up from her nap, she asked if I felt like going to the bar and two hours later we were off. We had the whole bar to ourselves (Shauna, Trip, Jason, D and me) for most of the night and, of course, the goofiness factor was high. By the time I got home and made my bed, it was 2:45am and I fell right to sleep. I didn't even hear the alarm right away this morning so I missed my normal snooze-fest between 6:30 and 7:30 and had to get moving right away. Guh. I know I should stay home tonight....color my hair and finish my laundry or something. The way I feel right now, I don't want to see anyone or go anywhere but to bed. I know that when 9 o'clock rolls around, I'll be getting ready to head out the door to sit in smoky Dante's and watch my friends sing their little hearts out. Also, I'll be 30 three months from Wednesday. *sigh* I don't know what to say anymore...

Looking In The Mirror Is Bad For The Self Esteem

I ended up with blisters on both of my feet from the sneakers I wore last night with no socks. I haven’t even tried to put on shoes today, but the sting of the soapy water in the shower this morning was enough to tell me it wouldn’t be a good idea. After the steam had gone and the mirror cleared, I took a good look at my face and pajama-clad body. Laugh lines have begun to creep out under my eyes and on either side of my mouth, the cold weather has made my skin dry and flaky in spots, my hair is desperately in need of a cut and color, some of the blisters have broken and become raw, and overall I feel fat and ugly. Before I’d gotten up and seen all of this, I’d tried to wake up and be affectionate with D but got no response. He’s not much of a morning person anyway but, once I’d seen myself in the mirror even after a shower, I guess I wouldn’t want me today either.

I have a ton of laundry to do in the next few hours and I’m looking forward to clean sheets and a freshly made bed. The wind is whistling through the chimney and it’s already dark outside so it feels much later than ten ‘til 5. Jason called earlier to see if I was going out to the bar tonight and at the time I wasn’t sure but now all I can think about is being alone...in some ways, I think I deserve to be alone tonight after the way I behaved this morning.

Your Regularly Scheduled Emotional Outburst

Announcer: Yes, it’s time for another episode of “How Stupid Is She?,” hosted by Ima Whiner and sponsored in part by a grant from the Foundation For Girls Who Fall For The Wrong Guys. Today’s guest is Nina Zero, author of the compelling weblog “Bursting With Fruit Flavor.” Now, here’s Ima!

(Audience applause)

Ima: Thank you…thank you. Nina, welcome.

Nina: Thank you, Ima. It’s great to be here.

Ima: Let’s get right to it and talk about your love life, shall we? We here at “How Stupid Is She?” have been doing some research and our sources tell us you’ve been romantically linked to D, a famous karaoke superstar. Are the rumors true?

Nina: Well, Ima, contrary to popular belief, we are not, in fact, a couple.

Ima: Really? Our cameras have seen you two out and about looking very cozy...(papparazzi-style, secret camera photographs of Nina and D kissing and holding hands at night clubs and telephoto lens, through the kitchen window shots of them cooking Thanksgiving dinner together flash on the screen behind the chairs on stage)

Nina: No, really…we’re not…well…he doesn’t want…I mean…it’s not like we don’t…I mean….it’s just that…well, he cares about me and we really enjoy each other’s company and we’re attracted to each other and have an emotional connection, but he’s in love with two other women whom he’s been friends with for a long time but are currently involved with other people and….well, I….(starts tearing up)…wait a minute, what is this? A Barbara Walters Special?

Ima: (clears throat) So, it appears to the world that you two are an item and now you’re telling me that he has feelings for not one, but two other women… Nina, how stupid are you?

Nina: (sobbing) I know, I know! We've been dating for a month and a half and nothing has changed! “Don’t get attached!” I told myself. “Keep him at a distance!” I told myself. I never listen and now look at me: (turns to the camera, makeup running down her cheeks) I’ve become Tammy Faye Baker minus the religious self-righteousness! (hangs her head and blows her nose)

Ima: Now, now…don’t be too hard on yourself. He is a charming young man and you….well, you are stupid, so you don’t really know any better.

Nina: (sniffling) Oh the shame…

Ima: Well, it looks like we’re out of time. I’d like to thank Nina Zero for being on the show and being so stupid. Tune in next week when our guest will be Hillary Clinton. Thank you and good night!

(audience applause)

(fade out to commercial)

Ok, It's Later...

Damn, I love Indian food. Wait, I'm sure you already know that. I also love seeing old friends that I haven't seen in awhile...like when Owen, Matt and Ed showed up at the bar on Friday night. I forgot to mention that in yesterday's post but that rocked. Owen actually kissed me and bear hugged me and told me he'd missed me. Crazy. Tonight, the regular bar kids are heading down to Dante's so I'm gonna call Owen to see if he'd be into going. I do miss him and I wish we made a point of seeing other more often...

Short Week Ahead...Woo!

This weekend was ...interesting. D picked me up Friday evening and we headed down to the bar. After awhile, he was tired and ready to go so we stopped at my house to pick up clean clothes and made our way back to his house. He woke up Saturday and was running a super high fever....he's usually warm, but it was like his skin was on fire. I sent him straight to the shower and when that didn't cool him off, I proceeded directly to plan B: Shauna's evil cold towel torture treatment. That helped a bit and after a bowl of soup, oj, water and some Tylenol, I sent him back to sleep for a few hours. Once we got going again, we headed down to get a pizza and say hi at to the folks at the bar and then it was back to my place and to bed. Today, he left early to pick up his grandparents from the airport and I slept late...'til almost 1pm. I got up and called Shauna to see if she and Trip were into seeing Gothika and they were so about an hour later we picked up D and headed out to Century 16. In a few minutes, we're heading out to get food and then I have a three day work week to get through before a four day weekend. I can't wait. Four days to sleep in. Yeah baby yeah. More later...

Just Not Cool.

I got an e-mail on Wednesday from someone I don't know, written anonymously, that only contained an exerpt from an entry in D's livejournal about an interaction we had that he wrote a month ago before things progressed the way they did. How fucked is that? I responded, hoping the sender would step up and explain why they felt the need to send it, but so far I've had no reply. And for the life of me, I can't think of who would send me something like that.

In other news, pretty much everyone I know is sick or getting over being sick. I would like to take this opportunity to say muchas gracias to the sick karma gods for giving me mono earlier this year, thereby making me exempt from getting sick until at least 2005. Aw yeah.

It’s Days Like Today…

…when I wonder what the hell I’m thinking. I told D shortly after we started seeing each other that the longest I’ve spent dating anyone was about two months and I’ve never gotten to the point where I called any one of them my boyfriend. My foresight was crystal in each of those cases because, though I’ve maintained friendships with some of them, the relationships were either destructive or superficial. I attract people who are looking for someone to fill a void or be their mother or just plain keep them from being lonely until they find someone “better.” This kills me. So, based on my track record, I have about a month left until things self-destruct. Why do I even think about stuff like this? Because he asks me things like, “Why me?” Instead of telling him the truth and saying that I think he’s wonderful and considerate and adorable and all around great and that I care about him, I should have made a joke out of it and said because he’s a hot piece of ass. My hindsight is even better than my foresight.

Half Way There

With my work day more than half over, I'm starting to feel a bit better than I did first thing this morning and I'm getting jazzed about the show tonight. Just knowing that I don't have to get up in the morning to go to work is keeping me running right now. Well, that and the Indian food I'm eating for lunch....mmmm...tasty.

*insert kung-fu sound effects here*

I had two big lattes today (both free...woo!) and the caffeine and sugar are kicking my ass. But, even though I'm feeling like shit, I'm in a great mood. Must be the 10 hours of sleep I got last night. I only have one more day of work this week, so I'm ready to sleep in on Friday and just have the day to myself. I'm heading out to the bar tonight with Shauna, seeing Maserati with D tomorrow night, seeing Mono with D on Friday night and then it's Dad's birthday Saturday. I'm having a premonition that the next few days are going to be good times...
Damn, it feels good to be a psychic. <--note the song reference...ha...

I Doubt Everything, Including Myself

This is my zen wisdom for today:

-->The confidence you see is a beautiful lie carefully constructed to keep me from letting you in and me out.

Any questions? No? Good. Carry on.

Rock Star Treatment

I sang "Rebel Yell" last night at Dante's and that was seriously the coolest...EVER. They gave me the full reverb, light show, guitar solo treatment and it was awesome!! After that, Jason, Corey, John and his friends and D and I went back over to the bar and Lara and Rachel were there so we hung out with them for awhile before finally going home. I did not want to get up this morning... I feel like crap and I didn't even drink last night. I think I've stressed myself out so much lately that I forced the guest room renovation to start early. Guh. I can't wait to spend a night down with my folks, kick back, hear more about their recent trip to Europe and just relax. I hope that's on the agenda for Saturday because I'm giving up a night with D to make it happen and I desperately need the break from things here...

Hey Baby

Shauna got the No Doubt album "Rock Steady" yesterday and that's what was playing when I got out of the shower this morning. I wish they had "Hey Baby" at Dante's Karaoke From Hell (though I don't know how'd they'd pull that off with a live band) because that's where D and I are going tonight. I never know what to sing when I go there and end up singing stuff that requires no effort just to get up and feel like a rockstar. Maybe I'll give something new a shot...couldn't be any worse than when I sang the GooGoo Dolls song "Iris" the other night at the bar. What a disaster. I knew right then why I always sing the same songs....I know them and I'm good at them. Failure, at whatever endeavor regardless of how ridiculous, is never fun.

Happy?

Yet another really good weekend with D... Friday night out at the bar... Saturday sleeping in, late breakfast at the Detour Cafe, back to the house to watch The Matrix Reloaded and all of the special features, laying around and listening to him play guitar and sing, out to the bar and then over to the Ohm to see Dr. Theopolis, back to the bar and stopped at Voodoo Donut on the way home for fresh donuts...today sleeping in late and laying around talking and whatnot. All good stuff. He's getting closer and I'm letting him. I invited him home with me for Thanksgiving, but I don't know if he'll come. In fact, there's a lot I don't know...

Quiet After The Breakdown

My boss called me into her office this morning and asked me what's been going on this week...said I wasn't myself, it seemed like I didn't want to be here and that she could tell there was something wrong. I, of course, started crying. The stress from so many facets of my life, mostly work, came to a head and exploded. It's been too much and, in usual Tiffany style, I tried to do everything. I can't fix everything for everyone and I can't keep up with my responsibilities as well as do half of someone else's job. On top of all that, someone I care a lot about is hurting emotionally and consequently I hurt. I can deal with one part of my world being chaotic, but not both. Therefore, my focus has been on things outside of work and I haven't been able to find a second to breathe here in the office. Last night, I did some laundry and went to bed early (8:30ish). I slept like the dead but felt very alone when I woke up this morning. Not surprisingly, letting the tears flow earlier today helped with the stress factor. ...I think I need a break...

"You are so fucking cute..."

I don't feel very cute. In fact, I feel like the furthest thing from it.

Guh.

As we're driving around the curves on a dark road through Lewis and Clark College, I heard a heavy sound that was distinctly not part of the song playing on the radio at the time. I pulled over and we found that the back passenger side tire was pretty much destroyed. Sweet. I called Owen and then Ed and about 20 minutes later Ed showed up with a tire inflator (my hero!) but both the spare and the tire that was already on the car were beyond help. Ed dropped us off at Blockbuster so we could rent a movie (Matrix Reloaded) and planned to be back at my house this morning at 7:30 to get to Les Schwab and change out the tire with enough time left over to make sure I got to work today on time. That guy saved my ass and for that I'm eternally grateful.

Monday night I was an emotionally overwhelmed mess (same as what always happens....too many things to deal with at once made me snap and withdraw from everyone) and I'm sorry to say D had to see me like that. I ended up taking him home to Hillsboro and then crashed with him for a few hours as I was exhausted and not in the mood for the drive back to my house. As I was just falling asleep with him holding me and trying desperately not to cry, he said, "I really do care about you, you know..." and, yet again, I didn't know what to say. So I said nothing. And I feel shitty about that.

I'm Only Making It Worse.

It's sad to say that he's only trying to care and not really caring at all, but that seems to be the fact of the matter. We spent the whole weekend together and I know that it means very little to him. It's like he's looking for something or someone to make him feel anything other than how he normally feels, which is depressed and lonely and empty, and I'm conveniently filling that role for the moment. It's a weird place to be... because I know he will eventually be done and then I will be the one who's left feeling hollow. Having said all of that, it doesn't make me care less. That is something I hate about myself, actually. I see so much potential and beauty in who he's trying desperately to be that it doesn't matter if he cares or not. While it would be nice, I'm going to continue to care either way because he deserves to have someone who supports him and wants him to be as happy as he tries to make everyone else. I don't think he believes that...and it kills me. I guess I'm just better at hiding my own similar feelings than he is...

Last Night...She Said....

Went to see Party Monster with Eric last night before going over to the bar to meet up with everyone. Crazy movie. I liked it and at some point, I'll have to see it again. Still couldn't convince Eric to come to karaoke with me. I did, however, get to wake up with D and that's always nice. I'm excited for tomorrow night (nothing better than playing dress up) and only need to get some fairy wings and antennae to complete the costume. The rest is all make-up and a really cool dress, which I already have. The band guys are playing a show at Mt. Tabor and the bar is having a costume party, so I can't wait to see everyone all dressed up.

...The more I talk to D and spend time with him, the more I just want to take care of him. He doesn't give himself enough credit for being a good friend and a good person. He's intelligent, articulate, witty, sensitive...incredibly beautiful. The fact that he doesn't seem to know makes him that much more attractive. And I wish I had the nerve to say this stuff to him out loud...

It's All In My Head

He called me last night after we left the bar just to make sure I got home ok. Then he called me this morning just to say hi. Don't mind me and yesterday's post. I'm just being my normal retarded self.

Don't Wake Me From The Dream

The thoughts that are aching to be verbalized are filled with the potential to ruin everything. "If we're so different and want different things, what are you doing with me, anyway?" "For every little thing you do say, there are a million things left unsaid and those are the things I hear." "I wish you could see yourself the way I see you and that would make you feel whole." All comments that reek of a desire to push him away. That's honestly the last thing I want, but I know how conversations like that usually end. And so I'm quiet. Strangely, I think he's sometimes mad at me for caring about him. It's as if he doesn't feel like he deserves to be happy and can't imagine why I'd waste my time with him. I see more of who he is than maybe he wants me to and it's given me perspective on the reality of our relationship. He's spending time with me because he doesn't want to be alone and I happen to be agreeable. He sees himself as someone who is ultimately bad for me and focuses on that instead of acknowledging the possibility that we could balance each other out and be good for each other. ...I wish he could see what I see and I wish I didn't have the sinking feeling that he'll eventually, like all the others, break my heart......

A Good Kind Of Tired

The past weekend was pretty frickin' rad. Friday night, I went down to the bar early, hung out with Luke and Noah and got something to eat before the crowd showed up. Shauna and Trip headed out to the coast for the weekend, so I expected to have to leave early to catch a bus home, but D said he'd take me home and that was that. We spent most of the weekend together just hanging out and whatnot either at my house, out at the bar or the apartment he's watching for his boss. When he dropped me off at home yesterday around 2:30ish, I managed to take a shower and turn the computer on and promptly passed out until about 9ish, at which point I turned the computer off and went back to sleep until the alarm went off this morning. Oi.

He tells me about the music he loves (of which there's a whole lot). He tells me about his past relationships. He tells me about his family and where he grew up. He tells me I'm cute even when I've just woken up. He tells me he wants me to be happy and make me smile. He tells me he wants to always be honest with me. He tells me I'm amazing. And I don't know what to say...

Annoying Karaoke Couples

Gotta share the conversation we had last night about the couples that have evolved at the karaoke bar: first, there are the couples that do the sappy romantic ballads...Badly. Please spare us the duets from Mannequin, Dirty Dancing, and/or American Tail. People don't want to hear that crap. If you're gonna sing a duet, take your cues from us and do the No Doubt w/ Bounty Killer version of "Hey Baby" because that's the shizznit. Then there are the girls who do the forbidden dance to every song (slow or not) and dedicate every song they sing to each other. Yeah, the first time we had to watch your little make-out show it was fine, but the act is getting old and no one thinks it's cute. Get over yourselves, girls.

In related news, being a cynic has it's privileges. We've convinced ourselves that since we're not exactly a couple and we don't do any of that cutesy crap, we're badass. Having said that, we've also established that we're dorks...But sometimes it's fun to be self-righteous.

Barely Breathing

Looks like my feminine charms aren't broken after all. Who knew? The karma gods have finally decided to smile on me and cut me a break in the dude department. I'm not holding my breath waiting for anything serious, but I'm really enjoying the time I spend with D and I'm taking what I can get. It's nice to feel content for once.

Shauna comes back tonight and we're going straight to the bar from the airport. Yeah baby yeah.

Weak

I couldn’t help it. He’s just too adorable and against everyone’s better judgement, I had to kiss him. D’oh. It was definitely a good idea at the time…

Aw. Yeah. Baby.

Who went out anyway and won $100 at Karaoke From Hell last night at Dante's? Yeah, that'd be me. WoooooooooooooooooooHoooooooooooooo!!!!!

Just To Clarify

I realized that I didn't exactly give any background to the first post of the day so I figured I'd better elaborate on the situation and get you people up to speed. My social circles are constantly morphing and, at the moment, the primary group revolves around the bar. It's from this group that Shauna found her new boyfriend (I've changed my attitude toward him and things are cool now) and I've been careful not to take anyone too seriously, mostly because when you spend as much time with people as I have with these folks, lines tend to blur and things get confused in my head. Inevitably, the best laid plans don't always work out as...planned. At this point, I should introduce the boy in question - bar regular, voice like an angel, super affectionate and absolutely adorable... a lonely soul who hasn't figured out that running around with whoever happens to be willing only leaves you with a lonlier, emptier feeling than you had before because you haven't made any kind of solid connection with anyone. Sadly, I can't tell him that because he'll have to figure it out on his own to actually get it. Anyway, on so many levels we're on the same page - we've even started finishing each other's sentences. I don't even know how it all happened, but it's completely ridiculous. As we all know, I wear my heart on my sleeve and rarely hold my tongue when there's a situation that's messing with my head, so at one point about two weeks ago I laid it out for him: I think he's great and adorable and it frustrates me that he's not serious about being in a relationship. Things have since then gotten more frustrating because of all the attention and blatant honesty about wanting to kiss me, thinking that I'm girlfriend material, not wanting to get serious with anyone right now, etc... To add to that, Friday and Saturday nights he stayed at my house, first night on the couch and the second night in my room(though I still haven't even kissed him), and by Sunday morning we were cuddled up and having the "one of us needs to get more serious or one of us needs to get less serious" talk. Guh. All of that led up to last night and my needing to get out of the bar before everyone else at the end of the night.

It's a damn good thing it's Monday and I stay home on Monday nights. I don't want to deal with any of that stuff today....it's just movies and laundry and that's it.

When I Left The Bar Last Night…

….and got in the car, the uninvited, unexpected tears started. I’d been careful to keep my distance and keep my eyes wide open but after yesterday morning, I guess I let my guard down and it came back to kick me in the ass. We’ve been honest with each other from the start so if I’m hurt, it’s my own fault. I know he’s not looking for anything serious and he knows I am. We're in agreement that one of us needs to change because there's some kind of a connection there and it would be silly to ignore that. It’s a constant topic of discussion and the reason I won’t even let him kiss me, though he’s made it perfectly clear he’d like to, given the chance... Guh. This is exactly what I didn’t want….a complicated mess of emotional crap. I wish I didn’t like the attention and I wish it didn’t hurt my feelings when I see him giving it to someone else.

Days Go By...

...and still I'm going out. I should really think about staying home once in awhile. You know, do laundry, run the dishwasher, etcetera etcetera..... This is just getting ridiculous.

School Of Rock

Since it was my day off and I had but one plan (taking Shauna to the airport), I figured I'd just see where the day takes me after getting breakfast with Trip. I dropped him off at home and then headed back to the house to wash the smoke from last night's party out of my hair. That done, I sat down on the couch, closed my eyes and tried to think of nothing. The first thing that popped into my head was going to a movie, so I headed over to the mall and caught School of Rock. For lack of a better phrase, it rocked. Jack Black is one funny dude and the kids are great. It was well worth the free movie pass I used on it. I was still in a movie watching mood after wandering around the mall when School of Rock was over, so I hit Blockbuster on the way home and got Dreamcatchers (I read the book and the director/screenwriter did a great job adapting it), X-Pax (I love Kevin Spacey) and some based-on-a-true-story vampire cult movie. Sweet. Oh yeah, the party last night was full of crazy drama - one of the owner's dad made a huge deal about me singing, which was awkward and uncomfortable, and at the end of the night, the same owner and Lara the KJ got into it over some earlier drama between a friend of his who was being a complete asshole to Lara. Good times. Can't wait to go down there tomorrow night and see how things panned out....

Just Got Paid, It's Friday Night...

...and I've got a three day weekend coming up. Yeah baby! Shauna is heading back down to LA for two weeks on Monday and we're going to that party Sunday night so since I had a personal day to take before December 10th, I figured it'd be good to sleep in on Monday and then take Shauna to the airport. I'm trying to get myself out of the grumpy love funk and a long weekend is sure to help. Plus, Mom and Dad are leaving for their month of cruising around Europe tomorrow and I'll get to hang out with them for lunch tomorrow during their 4 hour layover. So, I'm having a vision of good times this weekend and if anyone tries to mess that up, I'm going to be forced to kick them. Hard. Right in the junk.

Interesting...Provocative...Well-Seasoned?

Well, it was another thrilling night at the Boiler Room, complete with drama galore. Watching it all was more than entertaining but my night was made good by the brief but much appreciated appearance of Corey (he's such a sweetie...now we just have to figure out how to get rid of his girlfriend....nah, just kidding) and singing "Proud Mary" at the end of the night with Patrick. As usual, I got the joy and privelage of driving all the drunk people home and I expect the good karma genie to grant me those wishes I've earned any day now. I have to go back to the bar today because I think I accidentally left my glasses there and being able to see is always good. Also, Amy and Jason are back from their So Cal vacation and Amy agreed to be my date for the party on Sunday so I don't have to sit in the corner by myself and sing songs like "It's My Party" or "Creep".... sweet!

Make That I Rested...

I figured I'd succumb to the bar demon and go out last night even though I said I wasn't going to, but the decision was made for me when I found out that Shauna had invited someone I don't much care for (who, coincidentally, she's starting to get involved with...I can only hope it's a passing fancy and he's nothing more than the much needed rebound boy) and she didn't actually leave to go out until after 10pm. I opted out and got a full night's sleep. Tonight is round two of the sleep-a-thon and it's nice to be home just relaxing by myself (Shauna is out again with rebound boy). Strange but true, I'm waffling about whether I want to head down to the bar tomorrow night. As much as I try not to be cynical and bitter, lately I'm annoyed by publically affectionate couples and I don't think I could deal with seeing Shauna and rebound boy acting all lovey-dovey if the mood hits them. Yeah, I admit it, I'm jealous of all those squishy couples - not in an "I want your boyfriend" kind of way, but rather in an "I want that feeling" kind of way - and it sucks. The worst of it at the moment is this private semi-formal party at the bar on Sunday that Shauna and I got invites to and as far as I know everyone who's been invited has someone to bring as their "plus one" except me. Lovely. Guh, I'm going to bed... this is just depressing...

And On The Seventh Day They Rested

Since last Tuesday, Shauna and I have been at the bar every night. We’ve showed up around 9ish and closed it out every night. Between Tuesday morning and Friday after work, I’d gotten 8 hours of sleep total and still managed to stay out every night. I told myself I wasn’t going to go out again the next night when I got home every night. And then 8:30p rolled around and I looked at Shauna and she looked at me and we kinda shrugged, nodded toward the door and went out every night. Drinks have been drank, songs have been sung and sleep has been missed every night. Holy crap.

Today is Monday and Shauna has to work until 9pm. Monday is open-mic comedy night at the bar. We don't do comedy. Tonight, we rest.

Oh The Drama!

So, we're sitting there last night at the Boiler Room (yes, I know it was Tuesday and not the regular night....don't you worry, we're going back tonight) and we're talking and drinking our drinks and laughing and generally having a good time when all of a sudden, there's the sound of breaking glass and a large hole appears in the window behind the table where the kj sits. In a matter of about ten seconds, the entire male patronage of the bar sprinted out the doors and chased after the cracked out dude who'd just been 86'd from the place for being a jackass and felt like he needed to get some aggression out by putting his foot through a pane of glass. Needless to say, the music stopped and the people were stunned into silence for a few minutes as we all took in what had just happened. It was all so quick that when some of the boys from our table came back and said that the police had caught the guy and, because he was struggling to get away and resisting arrest, clubbed him before they took him down to the station, I didn't even know what exactly had happened, if anything, to provoke him. Once the story was sorted out by the bartender, the owner and the police officer who came in to take statements and see if they wanted to press charges, everyone started to breathe again and reassess the plan for the rest of the evening since karaoke there was obviously ruined. We hung out with the folks who work there for a bit and then decided we were hungry so we headed over to the Roxy and got breakfast (mmmm, french toast and bacon). Then decided we weren't tired so it sounded like a good idea at the time to go back to our house and play board games. The window kicker's crack must have rubbed off on us because we staying up all night. I haven't slept at all since 7am yesterday. And if you didn't catch it the first time around, I'm going out again tonight to see Captured By Robots and then sing at the bar. Have I mentioned that I'm going to court with my asst. manager tomorrow morning at 9am to learn the process for appearing on the company's behalf in an eviction case? Yeah, I'm insane. I know.

Everything Sucks

Everything sucks. Everybody sucks. Sucks sucks sucks. Emotional sponginess sucks. Sucks. Oh yeah, and everything sucks. Thankyouandgoodnight.

Here We Go Again

Why is it that the people I don't want to date always ask me out and the ones that I do are never interested? Bastards.

Love/Hate Relationship With Music

Most of the time I love music...which I'm sure is obvious based on how much I write about it and surround myself with people who play instruments and sing and love it as much as or more than I do. Today, I threw a mixed cd into the player on the way home from work and the next thing I know, I'm thinking about Jeremiah. Haven't thought about him in months. Stupid cd. I hate it when a song takes you somewhere you don't want to go in the mental archives. Can't do anything about it either because, like a lot of the people I know, I believe every moment worth remembering has a song attached to it...kind of like a soundtrack for your life. And just like there are some songs that will forever be associated with certain movies ("Pretty In Pink," "Take My Breath Away," "Danke Schein"), there are some songs that always make me think of certain people. In some cases, like today, I wish I could do something about that...like reassociate the songs that remind me of people I'd rather forget with people I love. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. Stupid cd...

Fast Forward to Friday

While I'm still "cleaning the guest room," I feel much better today. Shauna and I both slept in, which for me meant 11 hours of sleep since I stayed in last night and watched my all time favorite movie (What A Way To Go) and ordered in pizza and Vanilla Pepsi. Once we were both up and ready to go, we headed over to Dot's for lunch and then met up with Nicole and Jenny at Cap'n Ankeny's for drinks. It's still sunny so we were sitting at a table outside and when it finally got too hot, we decided to go look for Halloween costumes (or at least go try on wigs and masks). Unfortunately, we decided too late because by the time we to back to our house to call around and see where we should go first, we would only have had 1/2 hour to get there and look around so we said screw it. Owen showed up and chatted for a bit, Nicole and Jenny took off and then so did Owen so Shauna and I headed over to Blockbuster to take back the 4 movies I'd already watched and get two more to watch tonight. I'd already seen Identity and loved it and Shauna had already seen Anger Management and liked it enough to watch it again, so we got both and a crapload of candy. I think I'm crashing from the sugar high right now because I'm zonked and it's only 10:15pm. Anyway, I know I said I was going to stay in more from now on, but I've already got plans to go to karaoke on Wednesday night, a hockey game at the Rose Garden on Thursday night and a party at Jason's house on Friday night. D'oh. I'm already looking forward to sleeping in on Saturday and it's not even Monday yet.

Whiny Little Biatch

First off, I feel like crap. Cramps suck ass. If someone knows how to make Aleve work faster, let me know. Second, it didn’t take much convincing from Sally to get me out last night and I met some very cool folks at the Boiler Room hanging out with Trip after Sally and Steph took off. So, now there’s yet another group of people to socialize with and damn it all, I’m supposed to be staying home and hibernating. And finally, it’s 2/3s of the way through September and the sun is out and there’s not a cloud in the sky. That is complete bullshit, man. Where’d the frickin’ rain go? You know what? That’s it. I’m taking a nap. Screw this sunny weather…I’m sleeping through it.

I know, I know…

Usually when I don’t post anything for a few days it means I’ve been out playing and I’m just too tired by the time I get home to turn on the laptop… But I will have you know that the last three nights I’ve been at home and in bed before 10pm. Just haven’t been in the mood to be around anyone and I’ve been catching up on my movie watching. While I will never deny that I am a social creature, I’ve always preferred hanging out with one or two people at a time. I love going out, but I’m just as happy staying home with a friend or three and watching a movie or playing a game. And I think the recent change in weather is kicking my brain into stay-at-home mode. I’m ready to bundle up and wear sweaters and coats and scarves and hats and boots and drink hot chocolate and read a book…basically, I’m going into hibernation mode. Now, this is not to say that I won’t ever want to go out. For example, I have a standing date with the karaoke bar on Wednesday nights. Unless I’m dead tired, sick, dying or some force of nature stops me (like a kick ass concert I can’t miss or, god forbid, an actual date), I’ll be out on Wednesday night. Beyond that, who knows? Yeah, I know, all that staying home is going to make for a less-than-thrilling blog, but maybe I’ll actually start writing more personal stuff rather than all the so-I-went-to-this-show stuff I’ve lately been posting. We’ll see what happens…

Shopper By Day, Movie Watcher By Night

After closing out The Boiler Room on Friday with Sally and Steph R. (so much for staying home, eh?), Jenn and I decided to drive out to 82nd and feed a Jack In The Box craving. Needless to say, we got to sleep around 4am. Consequently, we did not get up at 7am to go to the wall raising for the 100th house in Portland built by Habitat For Humanity. Yeah, we suck but we were well rested and we needed all the sleep we could get before brunch at the Cricket Cafe and the urban hiking trip we took right after (read: shopping extravaganza). Selfish? Maybe. But I'm willing to accept that. After we finally got shopped out, the only thing I wanted to do was veg out on the couch and watch movies, so I called Eric to see what what on his agenda and asked him if he was up for movies and pizza. Since no one can say no to that, he showed up about and hour and a half later. I'd gotten five movies for the week and we managed to get through three last night: House on Haunted Hill, Waking Life and Daredevil. I still have Unbreakable and Dracula 2000, which I'll most likely watch tonight. Today, I have to go out to Clackamas Town Center, but since I'm still sorta shopped out, it'll hopefully be a quick exchange and then I can come back and take a nap.

Home On A Friday Night? What The Crap?

Yeah, I'm actually at home. Can you believe it? Me either. Know what else I can't believe? I don't have any plans for the weekend. Not one. Mindboggling.

Yet Another Messed Up Movie

Ok, so I should have learned my lesson from May, but I'm obviously not that quick. The movie is called Spun and it's got Brittany Murphy, John Leguizamo, Jason Schwartzman, Debbie Harry, Mena Suvari, Mickey Rourke. They're all cracked out and it's scene after scene of messed up shit. However, it was really well shot and there were shitloads of cameos. That's all I can say about that.

That Was Just Wrong.

On my way home from work yesterday, I saw a line that had stretched around the block starting at the Aladdin Theater. Thinking there must be some cool band playing last night, I scanned the marquee to see who was drawing such a big crowd. Sad but true, it was Hanson. Freakin’ Hanson. Can you believe it? No? Me either. Sick and wrong. The worst part was that a bunch of the kids outside were wearing Suicidal Tendencies, Dropkick Murphys, Rage Against The Machine etc. hoodies and t-shirts. Oh the shame. The guys in those bands wouldn’t even bother kicking Hanson’s collective ass because it would be too easy. Anyway, I got home and fully intended to do laundry and go to bed early, but I sat down and then next thing I knew I was watching a movie. It’s called May and it was bad. It was really, really bad. Words can’t express how bad it was. Consider yourself lucky if you haven’t wasted two hours of your life watching this heinous piece of crap, waste of film, theatrical monstrosity. I’m actually ashamed that I watched the whole thing and didn’t just turn it off when I realized how awful it was (right around the part where a guy brings his dog’s gangrene-ridden leg into the vet clinic where May works and asks if she can just sew it back on). Guh.

The Good, The Bad And The Not-Very-Bright

Yesterday was a bizarre series of ups and downs. The day started with me going out to the car only to find the battery dead. Newer Volkswagons have a weird thing where the headlights are connected to the ignition and they turn on and off with the whole car, but the inside dashboard lights have to be manually turned on and off. Because I am an idiot, I didn’t turn them off when I got home from the video store/Taco Bell run Sunday night and consequently killed the battery. This was bad. After calling my boss to let her know I’d be a little bit late, I called the guys at the towing company we use at work and they came out, gave me a jump and didn’t charge me for it. This was good. After a normal few hours at work, a resident came in and cussed me out about the valet parking lot, which I have no control over whatsoever. This was bad. But not long before we were getting ready to close up, Eric came in to say hello. This was good. After an uneventful few hours at home, I got ready to go out to Dante’s for Karaoke From Hell with the regular Wednesday folks from the Boiler Room. I grabbed my bag and locked the bottom lock on the door and pulled it shut behind me. After digging around in my bag for an unnecessarily long time as it’s not that big, I finally accepted that I’d locked myself out of both the house and the car. I went next door to see if my neighbor was home because he has a spare key, but he wasn’t and then I remembered I’d left my bedroom window open, so I basically had to break into my own house because, yet again, I was an idiot. This was bad. However, I got to Dante’s and had a good time and got a maple bar at Voodoo Donut before I went home. This was good. And the moral of the story is this: as long as you end your day with donuts, being an idiot isn’t so bad.

Backspace

After lazing around for a good portion of yesterday I met up with Owen at Captain Ankeny’s for beer and pizza. Around 7ish, O's friend Eric met us and dropped off Owen’s bike and we all went our separate ways. I had gotten a choice parking spot that I didn’t want to give up, so I wandered over to Backspace and played Halo with strangers for awhile to kill the time before the 9pm show at Dante’s. If you live in Portland and like video games (old school Atari, new Xbox or PC), coffee, Voodoo Donuts, art, pool, chess, comfy couches or any combination of the above, go to Backspace. Seriously, go. Dude, they have Tron! Ok, I know… I’m a dork. But to quote my friend Guy: “Dorks rule.”

In other news, I went to three of the four shows I planned to hit last night and also managed to get a beer in and say hey to the bartenders at The Boiler Room between shows. I went back to the guys’ house after the Dr. Theopolis show and got home before 5am, so that’s something. I slept until almost 12:30 and the only thing on my agenda today is laundry and maybe watching a movie. This means pajamas all day. Not that you needed to know that, but whatever…

Surprised? Embarrassed? Donuts?

The MusicfestNW ads read: 3 nights, 200 bands, 20 venues, $20. As if it’s even possible to see them all. Not that I want to, mind you. To justify that statement, I’ll just say two words: The Buttfrenchers. Don’t ask. Anyway, after spending an hour hanging out with Lara at The Boiler Room, I walked down the street to the Cobalt Lounge and saw 800 Octane. Eric, the guitar player, lives where I work and gets more packages than anyone. EVER. At one point a few months ago, I’d said something about how he must be pretty popular and he said no, he’s not, he’s in a band and it’s band stuff (stickers, cds, etc). After the last few months of being nosy and asking when and where they’re playing, he tells me last week about the show on Friday night at the Cobalt and says I should go. About 10 minutes later, he comes back with a cd and at that point I started to wonder what I’d agreed to go check out. The cover of the cd has the four guys in the band all painted up zombie-style and it’s kinda creepy. I was pleasantly surprised to hear that they’re a punk/rock band. Their set was about 40 minutes of high-energy rock and knocking shit over (excellent) but when the next band, The Buttfrenchers (I don’t even like typing that, let alone saying it out loud), got going, it was painfully apparent that it was time to head out. On the way back to the cars, the Voodoo Donut folks were having a how-fast-can-you-eat-a-frickin’-huge-donut contest so we stopped to watch and since I can’t seem to pass that place without going in, we went in. They’ve got a bench out in front that’s a perfect people watching spot, so we sat down and, according to Eric, at approximately 4 minute intervals for an hour and a half people I know came by and said hey. I would like to state for the record that I’m not that popular. I just know a lot of people and 3/4ths of them happened to walk by last night. But I digress. I had a great time and I’m ready to do the rock show marathon tonight: 4 bands, 4 venues, 4 hours. I’m sure I’ll be showed out after that…at least until next week.

It's Like Crack, Only Legal

I'm getting worried that I've become addicted to Taco Bell 7-layer burritos and mexi-nuggets. I've eaten that like five times in the last seven days. It's just so damn good. Normally, I save Taco Bell for late night after-drinks bingeing, but I can't seem to drive past the Bell on my way home from work or wherever lately without stopping. And I get the same thing every single time. What the crap?

In other news, my roommate gets to go to a Diabetes benefit party at the Playboy mansion and I don't. That biatch.

Music To Move You

Ok, I'm a firm believer that if you have any soul to speak of, music makes you move. Toe-tapping, booty-shaking, head-bobbing, finger-drumming, knee-bending.....doesn't matter what body part is affected. It's uncontrollable and it's almost painful to fight if a song has a good, solid beat or catchy melody. So with no further ado, here are some albums to check out if you want to move to a groove:

Goldfrapp's "Black Cherry"
God Lives Underwater's "Life In The So-Called Space Age"
N.E.R.D.'s "In Search Of..."
Idlewild's "The Remote Part" (my new favorite band, btw)
Camaro Hair's "Far From Ok"
Dahlia's "Vases"

Who Knows What Evil Lurks In The Hearts Of Men?

Yeah, yeah, the Shadow knows, but I'm not the Shadow and I don't get dudes. I seriously can't wait for this weekend when the only guy I know who makes any sense will be in town. Until then, I have karaoke to look forward to tonight and Dr. Theopolis and De La Soul at the Bite on Friday. Do doot do doot do do...shakin' that ass, shakin' that ass....

The Comfiest Bed EVER.

The minute I got home yesterday, I stripped the sheets off of my bed and threw them in the washer so they'd be done well before I was ready to go to sleep. Over the last few months, the center of my bed has slowly been sinking in and for some reason it finally bugged me enough yesterday to get down on my knees and look under there to find out why. Turns out the two 2x4s in the middle had slipped off the siderails and the thin slats that run the length of my bed weren't being supported by anything. After lugging the three futon matresses up, putting everything where it should be and giving the siderails a good kick to straighten them out, I'm pleased to say that my bed is flatter than it's been in months and I slept like a baby. It's so comfortable, in fact, that I didn't want to get up this morning. Not that I ever want to get up, but it's even better now than it was before. If I didn't have company coming down from Canada for Labor Day weekend, I would probably stay in it the whole three days. Seriously. It's that comfortable. What, you don't believe me? Wanna come check it out yourself? Well come on then. But don't get any ideas about staying there because it's mine. All mine. I'll let you take a nap or something, but that's it.

I really need to cut back on sucking down helium first thing in the morning...

It's Monday Again Already?

Quick recap of the weekend: Friday night we went to the Bonfire over on Stark where we played trivia and I kicked ass on the music category. Later, we headed down to the Clinton St. Pub and hung out with the guys.... somehow, just as we were leaving, there was a big drunken scene that ended in me taking my sobbing roommate home and then hanging out with Mariana and Mark at his place until almost 4am. Saturday, I took Shauna to the airport, called my folks, hung out and watched Comic Book Villians (don't bother renting it) and then got ready to go out for the evening. I got to Amy's birthday party at about quarter to 7, hung out there until 9:30ish and then headed over to Guy's birthday party. There was a stripper, high school yearbook pictures, 30 spankings with a grometted belt (he's got the welted and bruised ass to prove it), a drunk next door neighbor who fell out of his chair and passed out not once but twice and a guy in a cowboy hat who decided I needed a butt dance. Don't ask. Pictures were taken, alcohol was consumed and a good time was had by all. Sunday was a full day starting at 10am with the soapbox derby up at Mt. Tabor. Guy's brother Joel and two of his friends had entered a car made out of two razor scooters, a couple of pogo sticks, some fiberglass, part of a bicycle and I don't know what else. I wish I'd had a camera because some of the entries were just awesome... Guy, his dad, his stepmom, his dog and I all sat on one of the hills and watched the races and had a great time just being outside and enjoying the nice weather and company. At almost 4 when things were winding down, we all went our separate ways and I planned to meet back up with Guy for his actual birthday festivities at Chopsticks around 9pm. After being out in the sun all day, it felt good to sit on the couch and doze and watch Igby Goes Down (interesting, but not a keeper). I should have taken a nap, because I'm zonked today, but I had a blast at karaoke and I'm glad I went. We got some excellent rockstar pose photos while Guy was singing "Veronica" and "New Pollution" and I finally sang "Rebel Yell", which I think might be added to my list of favorites to sing. Anyhoo, now that Guy is 30, he's....no different than he was when he was 29 and I intend to follow suit next March. However, Joel and I promised not get each other strippers for our 30 birthdays as Guy got enough stripper action of all three of us. I can say that one good thing did come out of the stripper experience: we learned some extra special dance moves that we can do at karaoke from now on (smackin' that ass!!). Good times...

Tonight, I sleep.

Let There be Light

Apparently, the electrician came and fixed everything yesterday because when I got home and absent-mindedly flipped the switch in my room, all four lights in the ceiling blazed on and about blinded me. If I hadn't just come from drinking beers with my co-workers and boss at Wankers (a peanut shells on the floor, beer served in a metal bucket style saloon in Wilsonville) and before that out in the sun at the company picnic, I might have gotten to enjoy the newly restored electricity and watch a movie or something, but I was so tired that I fell asleep in the bathtub, woke up about an hour later and crawled into bed. Didn't even move until the alarm went off this morning. And yes, the bar is really called Wankers. Nice one.

Power Outages Are Contageous

So I was all set to curl up on the couch and watch a movie while my laundry was running and what happens? I come home to no power on the whole front wall of the house. The front wall just happens to be where the tv and dvd player and stereo in the living room and my alarm clock and bedside lamp and overhead light in my bedroom are all connected. Damn. We checked the circuit breakers to make sure they were all on and I replaced the light bulbs in my overhead light, but there must be some short in the wiring on that wall because nothing worked. The kitchen, dining room, bathroom and Shauna's room all work just fine and the inside wall of my room has power, but everything else is shot. Damn, damn. I got two loads of laundry done and went to the store to buy an extension cord to plug my alarm clock in so I'd actually get to work on time and not sleep through the alarm on my phone (which was my biggest concern). Hopefully, Shauna called our landlord today to have an electrician come out and fix whatever is wrong because I think we've already done everything we can possibly do ourselves without a professional including calling my dad for advice. So much for staying in and being entertained. Damn, damn, damn.

Top 10 Reasons To Stay Home Tonight

10. Sleep is good.
9. I haven't done laundry in two weeks.
8. There are three movies just waiting to be watched.
7. There is leftover pizza in the fridge.
6. When I get home, I can change into pajamas and not have to think about what to wear for the rest of the day.
5. My room looks like it did when I had mono (a mess).
4. The dishwasher isn't going to unload itself.
3. I can't dye my hair at a bar.
2. I don't have to wear shoes if I don't want to.
1. It's free.

I'm going out to the Boiler Room tomorrow night anyway, so it won't kill me to stay home two nights in a row. At least I don't think it will. Guess we'll find out tomorrow, eh?

Just What I Needed

Went to a baby shower bbq for Tina and Billy yesterday. Between the food and the beer, Shauna decided we needed to go down to the Boiler Room and sing some karaoke. Once things at the bbq were pretty much cleaned up and 9pm rolled around, we rolled ourselves down to the bar and rocked out until closing time. I was feeling kinda saucy so I busted out Journey's "Don't Stop Believin'" and The Cars' "Just What I Needed" and Cheap Trick's "I Want You To Want Me" along with my usual standbys. Oh and this guy Bob showed up, sat at our table, kept pulling Shauna and me up to dance with him and called his girlfriend in Ireland and sang "Your Song" by Elton John to her because I told him it'd be a good one. Frickin' sweet.

Mom and Dad came up today to drop off my grandmother somewhere and stopped in at my office to take me to lunch at the Jasmine Tree. The sweet and sour chicken was really good and strange but true, Shauna had sweet and sour chicken for lunch today too (weird) with Ryan after they went to see Jason vs Freddy (which I refuse to see because it looks stupid). Anyway, Mom brought me the new Harry Potter book and I've already started digging into it. Looks like it'll be a quick read like the rest. However, I didn't get further into it than about ten pages today because when I got home Shauna said she was hungry and I said I wanted to watch a movie and the next thing I knew we were renting 4 dvds and ordering pizza. We watched How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days and still have Igby Goes Down, Comic Book Villains and Just Married to watch this week. Shauna has to go out of town for three weeks again on Saturday, this time to the OC (ha.), so we're getting as much stuff into this week as possible.

On a totally unrelated side note, my boss said, kinda out of the blue to me after I got back from lunch today, that she wants me to spend as much time as I can learning the assistant manager's job because she's already talked to her boss and let her know she thinks I'd make a good assistant. Crazy. That's probably the best compliment I've ever gotten from a boss. Anyway, we'll see how that plays out.

And now it's time to hit the sack. I'm navigating on auto-pilot and I think the plane is running out of gas....

What'd You Call Me, Punk?

So I went over to Captain Ankeny's on Wednesday after work to meet up with Owen, Matt and Eric for a beer or three. The night before, Matt had called Eric and I asked Matt to let Eric know just how I felt about him...*insert choice words here*. Eric responded in kind (he pulled out the "C" word!! LOL) and said I'd better show up at the Captain's. Met their friend Fun Rob (total goofball) and the five of us headed down to the Rialto to play pool. Owen's girlfriend Jody met us there and the next thing I knew, it was 10:15pm. I had planned to meet up with the karaoke crowd at 9:30pm so when I showed up at 11ish, Amy and Jason had already gone home. D'oh. Had a good time anyway with the Wednesday regulars and ended up closing the bar out with about 5 other people.

Last night I actually stayed home and watched the Secretary and the Rules of Attraction, both of which I liked. Shauna comes back from her trip tonight and then the party starts again.... I'm sooo sleeping in tomorrow.

Well This Just Sucks.

It's totally my luck that the guy I end up with a crush on from the weekend's festivities doesn't even live here. He left to go back to Burlingame (that's just south of San Fran for those non-Californians reading this) today and I'm surprised at how bummed out I am about it. What the crap, man? I knew he lived down there, but I went ahead and hung out with him and damned if I didn't start rambling (that's how I know for sure I'm interested in someone) on about art and cell phone voids and blah blah blah.... tres smooth, Nina. You just keep on talking so he leaves knowing for sure that you're an idiot. On the positive side, my friends couldn't talk him up enough and Sam is pushing for him to move up here. In fact, Nora said he gave him a 3 year ultimatum. Nice. Sam needs to turn on his matchmaking magic and work this out for me... Go Sam go.

What Do You Mean The Toilet Is Backed Up?

So there we were, out in the middle of a vineyard with the nearest town about a 10 minute drive away and what does the owner of the place announce over the PA in the middle of the wedding reception as we're just digging into the hors d'ouvres and finishing our third glasses of wine, beer or water? "The pump has stalled and the toilets are backing up so we'd appreciate it if you men could go out into the vineyard rather than use the facilities. And ladies, if you don't need to use toilet paper, we'd appreciate it if you didn't." Nice. Good thing I have a bladder the size of a small country. Aside from the toilet snafu, the wedding went off without a hitch and everyone had a good time eating, drinking and being merry. The reception party continued on into the night at Ed's house, with over half a keg of beer in tow, and then this morning I met up with Nora from Seattle, Ho and Brian for breakfast at the Cup and Saucer on Hawthorne. After a bit of book shopping, we headed over to Ho and Brian's friend D's house to get him, go to Dot's for drinks, pick up Nora's palm pilot at Sam's folks house, take a few pics and head back home. I'm pretty sure we're all meeting back up later with Owen, Sam and his Nora later tonight for coffee or something so the party continues...

I *Am* A Girl You Know...

I'm going to Sam's bachelor shindig tomorrow night. Yeah, those are traditionally dude-type thingies, but it's only recently been brought to the attention of my male friends that I am, in fact, a girl so it's no surprise that I've been asked along for the ride. This just reinforces my belief that I'm forever going to be thought of as a "friend girl" rather than a girlfriend. And now I'm probably going to be subjected to boobies again. Dammit, man. I swear to gawd, if it wasn't Sam and Owen, I'd have kicked the guys square in the junk by now.

Ah, Glorious Sleep...

Tonight will be the second night in a row that I get to stay in and relax and get to sleep at a decent hour. Two nights in a row! I haven't done that in almost a month! I was going to head over to the Ohm and catch Dahlia again, but I'm thinking that since I already spread the word about karaoke tomorrow night, I should save my energy for rockin' the mic. Plus, I need to do laundry like a mo'fo'. I'm not sure what that means exactly, but that's my plan for tonight. Laundry....and maybe a movie. Army of Darkness, perhaps. Or whatever. I'm just looking forward to clean clothes, clean sheets and sleep.

Recap

Ok, if I was actually home for more than ten minutes at a time other than to sleep, I'd be updating this more often. Anyway, the last three days have been non-stop and I'm about ready to pass out. You know you're going out too much when you're sitting in the drive-thru of Taco Bell at 4 am wearing a sombrero for Ezra's amusement with a guy you just met the day before riding shot-gun and no one thinks there's anything weird about that scenario. But I'll get to that in a minute. I got to leave work at 5pm on Friday since I didn't get a lunch break on Wednesday, so I made it to the PDX Blogger monthly meet up at Kell's. Met some of the new folks and see that the group is slowly getting bigger (maybe because of the recent articles in the Oregonian?). I got to talking to Karl from katzke.net and told him about the Dahlia show I'd planned to catch at Berbati's Pan that night so I met up with him later after picking Shauna up from the airport and heading over to Tina and Billy's for a barbeque. There was a very drunk, very crazy straw hat wearing dude at Berbati's who practically fell into my lap at one point and we were waiting to see which guy was going to kick his ass. Dahlia was amazing as always and Karl liked them well enough to buy a cd, so I should join their damn street team or something.

Sam is in town this week before he and Nora tie the knot next weekend so I signed on for breakfast Saturday morning and 6 of us (Sam, Nora, Nora, Ho, Courtney and me) headed over to the Cricket Cafe on Belmont and had some really good grub. After breakfast, Sam, Nora, Courtney and I split off from Nora and Ho and went shopping for a dress for Courtney to wear to the wedding. We were finally successful, after about 5 hours of shopping and a coffee break at Stumptown, at Banana Republic and everyone was happy to head over to Sam's folks' place to grill a flank steak that had been marinating for two days, some tuna Sam's dad got out at the coast and some really tasty veggies. Sam and I headed over to my house to meet up with Shauna, change for the Dr. Theopolis EP release show and head downtown to meet up with Karl and Ed at the Ohm. Of course, after the show, a few of us went back to the house and hung out with the guys and this is where the sombrero wearing trip to Taco Bell comes in. It had been a long day and I'd gotten my third wind so when Ez asked me to wear the sombrero on my border run to feed the party people, I didn't need much convincing.

After about 6 1/2 hours of sleep, I got up, got clean and got Shauna to the airport so she could leave for a 5 day business trip to LA. I did a little grocery shopping on the way home and by the time I got back, unpacked everything and looked at the clock, it was time to go over to the Montevilla pool for the pool party this guy Jamie has put together for every Sunday in August. It struck me earlier today that I wouldn't be able to go swimming because of my hair (the color would bleed into the pool) so I offered to help out with the barbeque and ended up taking orders and collecting the money and said I'd be happy to do the same thing next weekend if they needed help. A photographer and reporter from the Oregonian turned up to take pics and interview Jamie and some of the kids who were there, so I'll be keeping an eye out for the article in the paper.

Now that I'm finally home, nothing sounds better than crawling into bed and curling up with a full body pillow.... Oh yeah, just fyi - screw Krispy Kreme. That's right, you heard me. I had the best damn donuts friday night after the Dahlia show at Voodoo Donut. It's between the Paris theater and Berbati's Pan on 3rd Ave and the donuts there rule. So, go. Right now. 'Cause they're open. And it's a good time for a donut.

Now That's What I'm Talkin' About

There are times in life where you just have to say, "Screw it. I'm gonna go out and damn the consequences." Last night was just one of the many times I've said that lately and I seem to be doing ok. I went to the Tonic Lounge to hang out with Amy and Jason and see Sophe Lux again ( I know, I know...but I'm not a groupie, I swear...I actually do other stuff with some of them as you will soon read). They played two new songs, both of which I dig but I especially like "Lonely Girl," and I finally found out what that pager looking thing Guy plays his guitar with sometimes is called (it's an e-bow and it makes the prettiest sounds). Right after their set, Jenni and I were fired up to go sing at the Boiler Room for the last hour of Wednesday night karaoke, but almost all of the regular folks had left just before we showed up and we decided to scrap the karaoke idea and head back to rejoin Guy, his brother Joel and some of their east coasty friends at the Tonic to close the place down. Right close to lights out, it seemed like a good idea to me and Guy to go punch Joel, so we double teamed him. Strangely, he seemed to like it and then it was time to go. And what's the only way to keep the party going when the bar shuts down? Breakfast at the 24 Hour Hotcake House over on Powell, baby, yeah! There's nothing more amusing at almost 4am than some guy named Kevin (friend of Joel and Guy who was in town from New York) just going off for a good 30 minutes about random stuff and seemingly embarrassing the hell out of Guy. On a side note, I found out this morning that Mr. Barker, rather than follow us north back over to the Tonic and head home from there, turned south on 39th and was almost to Oregon City before he realized he'd gone the opposite direction of where home is and had to double back. Now that's funny. Ok, not really....I was a little worried that I'd read him wrong and maybe I shouldn't have let him drive himself home, but he says he was sober and just really tired. Nice one.

So, what's the moral of this story? If you aren't paying attention, you end up in Oregon City or you get punched. If you are paying attention, you get french toast and bacon. Yum.

Membership Has it's Privelages

At Red Ranger International, I can't quite tell what the privelages are besides the spiffy laminated membership card you can proudly carry and flash around schwanky industry parties and a bunch of Red Ranger swag, but join the club anyway and support local filmmakers. I met Rob and Milo at Wednesday night karaoke and they run this outfit, so check 'em out and buy their crap.

For The Love Of Pete, Somebody Stop Me

One of the things I like about being single is the ability to be selfishly spontaneous. You can do whatcha like, when you like and it has no affect on anyone else's plans. Friday night I stayed in and fell dead asleep at 9:30p (guess the outings all week kicked my ass). Saturday I got up and headed out with the intention of shopping a little and only being out for about 2 hours. Five hours later, I rolled in and asked Shauna if she was hungry and felt like going to Dot's for burgers and she was down so we went. On the way home, we stopped at Freddy's to pick up hair dye and when we came out to the car, one of the tires had been knifed (the jackass who did it broke off the knife tip in the side wall) and was flat. We spent about 45 minutes changing it, with no help from anyone else thankyouverymuch, and the spare turned out to be flat as well. D'oh. So, we drove on it down the street to the gas station to fill it and headed home to wash up. After that, we weren't really motivated to do anything and I called Jenni to see if she and Dave wanted to come over and play cards or something. She reminded me that Joshua James (who I know from Eugene back in the day) and the Runaway Trains were playing at Duff's Garage and they were going to that if we wanted to meet them over there. We mustered up enough energy to go and that was a fun time. The bands were kinda old school rock/rockabilly and Duff's is exactly the kind of place you'd expect to see a bunch of guys dressed like 1950's style greasers rocking out. We both slept in and finally left the house on Sunday just before 2pm to head over to Captain Ankeny's for pre-softball drinks at one of the sidewalk tables. One of Shauna's co-workers met us there and we chatted for an hour and a half before we all had to go. Once we'd picked up a cooler and filled it with beer for the game, we headed down to the schoolyard for a 7-on-7 softball game and followed that with a little 4-on-4 basketball action. Tired and hungry, we made a run for the border and then hung out at the guys' house playing Halo until about 11:30. At this point, I am completely wiped out. So what's my plan for tonight? I'm going out to See Odds Against Tomorrow at Nocturnal. If it weren't for the coffee, I'm fairly certain I'd have passed out by now.

Well, That Was Weird.

I went over the The Green Room last night to see Sophe Lux and The Garden Gnomes. Had a good time hanging out with Jenni, but kind of got a weird vibe from Guy...there seemed to be an awkward tension like maybe I shouldn't have gone. Weird. Anyway, they played a new song that ROCKED and those Gnome guys kick ass. I think all the going out is starting to catch up with me, though. I'm wiped out today and while I'm not positive, I have a feeling we'll end up doing something again tonight. Ooo, I also have to practice the bass some more. I'm pretty sure I have the first song on the cd down, so I'm pretty proud of me since I've only had my hands on the thing for two days. It's getting easier to figure out the notes and all that, but I'm still trying to find the most comfortable way to hold my hands and get into a strumming pattern. I tried both using a pick and not using one and besides the fact that I looked like a gimp with the pick, it's just easier without it. Jenni was telling people on Wednesday at karaoke and again last night that I'm learning to play the bass and I dunno why, but it freaks me out to hear someone say, "Oh yeah, she's a bass player too..." Maybe it's because....(insert Wayne or Garth here) I'M NOT WORTHY!! ....but one day I will be....

Just Can't Get Enough

Have I mentioned how much I love karaoke? I have? Oh. Well, we went again last night and, as usual, I had a blast. Ever since last Wednesday I've had a raspy voice and it worked well for stuff like Bette Davis Eyes (seen the movie Duets? Yeah baby yeah!) and Come Together... also, one of the regular Wednesday night guys, Milo, totally rocked Try A Little Tenderness and another regular, whose name escapes me, sang Daddy Wasn't There by Ming Tea (from Goldmember) and that was super cool. This town has a ton of talented people and a crapload of them hit the Boiler Room on Wednesday nights. If you're looking for untapped rockstar potential, come on down and check it out...

Ow.

Went to Karaoke From Hell last night with Shauna and Jenni met us there...none of us had been before and we loved it because you get to sing with a live band instead of regular karaoke music. I sang Should I Stay or Should I Go by The Clash and Come Together by the Beatles and I rocked it. Yeah baby yeah! If you ever go to karaoke with me ask me to sing that Beatles song and I'll rock it for you too. Jenni won the 100$ they give away every week and was nice enough to buy the band a round of drinks with some of her winnings. She was also nice enough not only to bring her old bass and a cute little amp, but she also burned a cd to practice with and wrote up a three page crash course in how to play the bass lines of all 9 songs on the cd, complete with pictures for the really retarded folks like yours truly. Shauna and I have been working on learning the first song and she's making me practice, which is good because I suck. After almost two hours of playing the same song over and over until I was too tired to play anymore and almost have it down, I only have one thing to say: damn my fingers hurt.

Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough

It's the peak going out season, I've been riding the party train all weekend and the madness continues tonight. Friday night I went to Produce Row with Owen, Jody, Matt and Ed and we hung out and drank beers and finally went back to Matt's to watch the funniest home video of Ed, drunk as hell and raving about being "beer-savvy", getting knocked on his ass by his own car out in the desert. Maybe you had to be there... On Saturday, Shauna's dad came into town, took us to lunch at Dot's, hung out at our house while I took Shauna to get a deluxe facial at Bellini's Euro Spa (late birthday present) and then we all drove the hour out to Hood River to see Dr. Theopolis and The Cherrie Poppin' Daddies play at Hoodfest, a small food and music festival at the marina. On Sunday, we both slept late and then headed out to find something cute to wear to the invite-only Absolute Vodka party on the rooftop of Billy Reed's. We met up with Shauna's friends, Nicole and Jenny, at a little place called the Bonfire for drinks before the show and then headed over for three hours of booty shakin' and free food eatin' and free vodka drinkin'. Woo! We followed that up with a visit to the guys' house for a Halo playin' and beer drinkin' marathon until 2am... Oi. Next up, Karaoke From Hell at Dante's tonight with Shauna, Jenni, Jake, Jen Jo and anyone else we can round up. It seems Shauna's addiction to the karaoke has taken over and I'm having too much fun to do an intervention. Yeah, it's Monday and I have to get up in the morning for work, and yeah I'm going to go out to the Boiler Room with Shauna and Jenni on Wednesday and sing karaoke again, but I figure I can sleep when I'm dead and I'll make double large vanilla lattes my new best friend.

Getting In The Groove

Shauna got back Friday night and things have finally settled down from all the weekend, out until 5am party going. We went to Dot's for food and drinks after work last night and tonight we're heading out to The Boiler Room for karaoke with Jenni. I think Jenni is bringing her old bass and amp for me to borrow and learn on and I hope I'm not completely inept after hearing from everyone how easy it is. I listened to a couple of the Sugar Free songs on their website and it made me a little more nervous because the sound is sort of riot-girly, which means I'm going to have to rock. I keep telling Shauna she should do it since she already knows how to play a guitar a little and she said we should just start a band together and we could be like the White Stripes...I can learn to bang on a drum kit and she can play the guitar and at least we'd know from the beginning that we suck. No pressure there.

So, You Want To Be A Rock Star...

You know how they say be careful what you ask for because you just might get it? Well, all of my wannabe rock star talk seems to have resulted in a karmic twist of fate that could land me in a band. I'd have to learn to play the bass, then learn 13 songs, then learn the vocal harmonies and do it all in about 6 weeks to play with the band in the NW Music Fest. No pressure or anything. Jenni said she'd lend me one of her bass guitars and an amp, teach me how to play, then teach me all of the songs. I didn't say definitely yes, but I said I'd call her about it. She said it'll be a piece of cake and that the bass is really easy to learn. I said I'd easily have the vocal harmonies down in about a week, but I couldn't promise I'd be any good with the bass in my hands. I'd be jazzed to do it if it weren't such a daunting undertaking because of the time factor. And I can't tell if the feeling in my stomach is excited butterflies or performance anxiety puke. Guh.

And I'm Spent...

I'm running on about 6 hours of sleep, I just came back from the guys' house where pizza and more beer were on the menu after finishing off a keg at the softball field, and my bed is looking soooo good right now. Really quick, interesting points of mention this past weekend include this dude Brad I hardly know being very forward and sticking his tongue in my ear last night at the Goodfoot (eww!) after telling me every time he sees me he melts, Sean deciding later last night in his stoned and drunken stupor that it was a good idea to tell me he wanted to come home with me and date me (he wanted to talk about it today at the softball game and I just wasn't in the mood to deal), and some homeless dude getting yelled at by random people waiting for the MAX for throwing trash out of a trashcan onto the street. Never a dull moment in Portland, that's for sure. Happy Birthday to Ez, Sean and Higgins!

Action Packed Weekend of Fun

Holy crap, there's a lot going on this weekend. Koji is driving up today from Crater Lake, Shauna is coming back tonight from a three week trip to Maryland, the girls from work want to go see Dr. Theopolis at the Goodfoot with me Saturday night and my folks are coming up for the weekend for the two-day antique show out at Janzen Beach. Between the beer drinking, tour guiding, apartment hunting, dinner having, trip rehashing and funkdefying, I'm going to pass out and sleep like a baby.

Also, I left my cell phone at home today and I feel naked. This makes me sad.

Bonjour, Butcher!

I love subtitled movies. Dunno why, but I do. I especially love crazy pseudo-horror B-movies. I'd forgotten how bizarro that movie is but after watching Delicatessen last night, I've decided that everyone in the business world should address each other by their title just like in the movie... Hello, Teacher... Hello, Mailman.... Hi there, Astrophysicist. It would make my job so much more entertaining. Although, the looney off the street who wandered into our pool and went swimming with his pants on today was pretty entertaining. Bonjour, Looney. Didn't we already kick you out of here earlier today? No worries, we'll do it again if need be. Buh-bye now.

Give Me 5 Minutes And I'll Probably Change My Mind

I'm tired of meeting new people. Truly. I meet new people all day long and it's draining. I never though I'd say that, but today, right this minute, I want to be done meeting people. I know I'm not and never will be done but if some psychic could tell me how many more people I have to meet before I die, I could at least have that to look forward to. I hope that the next person I meet will be interesting or funny or....something worth paying attention to but, more often than not, that's not the case. I've decided hopefulness is a burden, a weight that I carry around by choice of course, but a weight nonetheless. And I'm pretty tired of carrying it because it makes the sting of disappointment that much more real. This is not to say that people in and of themselves are disappointing - on the contrary, people are interesting creatures and entertaining to watch. The disappointment is purely subjective and stems from a kind of hope that can at times be blinding. I really need to work on not caring.

What Am I Thinking?

I'll probably be a zombie girl in the morning, but I'm going to Lola's Room tonight to see the Pernice Brothers. Show starts at 10pm. But I've got to do a load of laundry or two, clean the bathroom and vacuum the living room before I go. That way it'll be like a break from doing chores. Look at me, I'm trying to rationalize going out on a Tuesday night.....what the crap? I'll go out whether or not the chores are done and damn the consequences! What the hell kind of rock star party girl am I? Jeez. Ok, wait. If I don't at least do one load of laundry tonight, I won't have any clean socks to wear tomorrow. And that is bad. And I at least have to clean out the cat box and sweep up the bathroom floor. Crap, there are dishes in the sink that need to go in the dishwasher. But that's it! If everything else doesn't get done tonight, I'm going out anyway, dammit......

Things That Are Cool

A salad with tuna, mozzarella, mayo and lemon juice chased with a beer....actually, anything chased with a beer (currently drinking Pete's Wicked Summer Brew).

The cargo skirt and sleeveless shirts I got over the weekend.

A compilation cd called Dreamworld: Essential Late Night Listening which includes tracks by Tricky, Massive Attack, Luna, Morcheeba, Cocteau Twins, Moby, Dead Can Dance and Gavin Friday.

Dahlia's new cd Vases (with special kudos to track 14, "Movin' On" which is my new theme song).

Cirque du Soleil coming to Portland again (and free tickets for me).

The movie Four Rooms, which I watched last night and hadn't seen in a long time...still damn cool.

The fan going 24/7 in my room.

Bellydancing breakbeats by DJ Necmi Oojami.

My new hair color...scarlet red streaks, baby! Yeah!

Koji...he was cool before, but he's extra cool now because he's coming to visit this weekend...however, since he's not a thing, he really shouldn't have made the list, but I'm making an exception, so there.

Cockfight

For my money, there's nothing better than a good old fashioned hipster ho-down. But I'll get to that in a minute. I called Amy and Jason yesterday to see what was what and ended up going over to their place in north Portland, playing Tony Hawk's Pro Skater for a bit with Jason and then we (Amy, Jason, Neal, Marcie and me) went out for Vietnamese at this place over on Mississippi that rocked all of our taste buds. I was already ready to go out for the evening but we had to go back to Amy and Jason's so they could change. We weren't sure if there would be ass shaking later at Lola's so they wanted to be prepared. And now on to the ho-down portion of the program...

We decided to go to Nocturnal's artsy shindig they called the Cockfight and when we got there, the upstairs had bales of hay, rooster-based art around the room and two people, one of whom appeared to be a cross-dresser, getting ready to play acoustic guitars and sing a few countrified ditties about how lonely they were now that you and the dog are gone. There was hardly anyone up there but there were cars aplenty outside, so we headed downstairs to get a drink and see if that's where the action was. To our dismay, we were inappropriately dressed for the occasion...we'd forgotten our cowboy hats, boots, lassos and hipster accessories. Hanging our heads in shame, we shuffled to the table in the back and took in the scene. Marcie had managed to snag enough uncolored rooster sheets for the lot of us and we proceeded to doll them up with the colored pencils and crayons Amy brought. They did a cakewalk upstairs while we colored, but we were having too much fun checking out the hipster cowpokes and eating chocolate dipped apples to participate. The actual cockfight was the rooster coloring contest and I was in the company of two of Portland's finest artistes, so while my oh-so-gay looking boxer of a rooster was a fine display of artistic interpretation of the theme, it was no match for Amy’s anarchy cock and Neal’s Super Cock. Amy’s rooster went on to win a runner-up ribbon and the rest of us left with a tear in our collective eye over the memory of you and the dog and our second rate cocks...

And now on to today… It’s just after 1pm and me and my new red streaked hairdo are going down to the Saturday Market to wander for a few and then it’s grocery shopping and movie time. I bought O Brother, Where Art Thou the other day and now that I have a real hipster ho-down under my belt, I’m in the mood for some Soggy Bottom Boys twang and George Clooney’s greased up ‘do.

That's Some Good Shit

Successfully shopped for the better part of the day, watched fireworks from the balcony of a 23rd floor penthouse two blocks from the waterfront, saw Storm and The Balls for the first time, saw Dahlia for the I don't know how many-th time and got their new cd, and grabbed a slice of pizza from Dante's on my way back to the car to come home. Yes indeedy, that's some damn good shit. I only wish there'd been someone to share it all with.... a day that good deserves to be shared.

Recap

Last night, only two of us went out but we had a great time at Wallbangers. Since the middle section of the bar has a bunch tables pushed together, it's easy to meet people just by socializing with the folks who end up sharing the table with you or are sitting at the tables next to you. I expected it to be crowded since most of the world has the day off today, but the majority of the small groups out were bachelor/bachelorette parties and birthday celebrators who seemed to keep to themselves. A random group of four (a fifth showed up later) sat with us for about two hours and one of the guys could have been Tobey Maguire's stunt double. Another group of three was at the table next to ours and Sally got to talking to them because she caught an accent and couldn't help herself...turns out they're all from New Zealand. Strangely, one of them asked us if we knew where that was. I guess they must think world geography isn't common knowledge here in P-town. Anyhoo, after holding back a dig about Kiwis liking the sheep a little more than they should, I was ready to go and Sally suggested we go see if anything was going on at Stephano's. We did a drive-by but it was so dead, we didn't even go in and decided to head over to Canita for something to eat but it was closed. She's been morally opposed to the 24-hour Hotcake House since that time we got kicked out, so I dropped her off at her car and we both went home.

Today is a blank canvas, so I'm about ready to get up and out and see what happens.

Dueling Piano Madness

Tomorrow night, all the girls from the office are going out to Wallbangers (formerly Boogie Woogies) to fire it up and sing along with the piano dudes. Since we're all off on Friday, it's one of the few times we can all go out without someone having to leave early or not go because they have to get up the next morning. I know I was just out karaokeing and rocking out until 5:30 in the morning last weekend but I feel like, if I don't get out, this funk I've been in will consume me. I can't keep functioning like this so I need to let off some steam and start fresh on Monday with a clear head... wanna come out with us? I need all the partying help I can get, so come on down.

Just Say It

For about the last three weeks, I've been walking around annoyed on some level. And unlike my normal self, I haven't said anything about what's bothering me. I hate feeling like this. If it were just one thing or person, it would be easy enough to just address the issue and be done with it. But for each thing I can isolate and point out what's rubbing me the wrong way there are four or five more that are still waiting to be dealt with and it's making me crazy and teary-eyed. I was telling Jen at work the other day that I figured out what the root of most all tears is: helplessness. When things start to pile up like they have lately, it begins to feel like there's nothing I can do to change any of it and it's overwhelming. I know that my attitude has been shitty lately and the things that I usually let roll off my back have started getting to me so, in effect, I'm making it worse and I need to snap out of it. But it's frickin' hard to be that shiny happy person people expect me to be all the time. It sucks to be the one person to whom everyone vents their shit and not have a face-to-face human outlet for my own. I hate that when someone I know is going through messed up shit, I feel shitty with them. You know why I'm so easy to talk to? I give a damn. And I hate that I can't turn that off.

I need a hug.