Don't Leave Me Hanging On The Telephone

First off, Blondie rules. 'Nuff said.

After work yesterday, I called him and asked what he was up to and wanted to know if he felt like getting a drink with me before going out for the night. He said he was staying home and having dinner with an old friend, but would see me this weekend. So I went home and decided to stop in at the pizza place below my apartment to grab a slice before heading down to Freddy's for shampoo and other miscellaneous house stuff. Joe was there and hooked me up with free pizza, which was totally unnecessary and very nice, and then asked if I wanted to get a beer with him after he got off work. I told him just to buzz me when he was done and we could go get a Ruby at the Bagdad across the street. Neither of us really felt like hitting the Boiler Room so it was kind of nice to stay in the 'hood and not have to worry about when the bus was leaving to get home, etc. He knows the bartender there so our beers were free (another unnecessary but very nice gesture), we had a good time talking and bitching to each other about the stupid crap we deal with and, as we were both tired, we bailed just before midnight.

Tonight, I am going to the BR. I will flirt unabashedly and damn the consequences. I will sing, drink and be merry. I will say exactly what's on my mind and I will not be "that girl." Watch me....it might be entertaining.

My Milkshake Is Better Than Yours

I woke up this morning with hair and skin that still smelled like a smoke-filled bar. I could never date a smoker because the idea of waking up next to someone who smelled like that all the time makes me ill. In fact, when I find out that someone smokes, they become infinitely less attractive. Strangely, the smoke doesn't deter me from going to the bar most nights. And that's all I have to say about that.

This morning, yet another cool thing about living where I now live happened: I walked out my front door as the bus pulled up and stepped right on. That ruled.

Tonight, I unpack some more of my crap and then head out again. The last two nights have been fun and I'm hoping the trend will continue. I need the trend to continue.

I'm In Love With A Clawfoot Tub

I'm exhausted. I still have so much to unpack and find a place for that the light at the end of the tunnel is currently blocked out by cardboard boxes. The bruises are still coming up and changing colors and the ankle I twisted on Saturday is still a little tender. When I got home last night, I spent the first hour and a half getting books out of boxes and onto shelves, trying to separate clean clothes from dirty ones and organizing food in the limited kitchen space. By 8pm, I wanted to collapse and decided to break in the newly refinished clawfoot bathtub. Oh My Gawd. After 1/2 hour in the hot water with a fizzy ball filled with bath salts, jasmine and who knows what else, my muscle aches had eased some and I was ready to pass out. I slept like dead and getting up this morning was hellacious. Everything I'd managed to relax last night was tense again this morning and I'm just ready for all of this moving stuff to be done.

Also, I talked to Lara last night and she's going to move in this coming weekend instead of later in the month. I'm actually glad it's sooner than later because the chaos in the apartment will be over and done with before my birthday (which is one month from today, if anyone cares). I want to start my 30th year on the planet with as little stress and drama as possible. At least as far as my living situation is concerned.

Socially, the drama seems to seek me out with the intent to destroy. I mind my own business and try to be nice to most everyone. It still finds me, drags me kicking and screaming into the waves and sucks me under until I can't breathe. The current situation is frustrating as hell (shocking, I know) because I can't do anything to change it. Girl likes boy, boy likes girl, other girl likes boy and boy knows it and doesn't want to hurt other girl's feelings because they're good friends, boy is torn and therefore boy and girl are at an impass, girl is saddened and frustrated. Tune in tomorrow for another episode of Stupid Soap Opera Central.

Back From The Hell That Is Moving

The moving of stuff is done and now all I have to do is organize my crap. This is something I'm both dreading and looking forward to finishing. I feel like I've been beaten and look like it too with all the bruises I'm sporting from the weekend. On top of that, I made an ass out of myself Friday night at the bar (I'm too damn nice and the thought of something I do or did making someone I like feel bad had me upset to the point of tears....more on that later as the situation is frustrating as hell) and witnessed a homeless man getting beat up by two guys while waiting for the bus last night and had to call the cops... Guh. Too much stuff going on and not enough love. Where's the love, dammit!?

Phone and cable are being set up at the new place this Friday so no access to the 'net until then except during my lunch break at work. Bleh.

Don't Believe The Hype...Butterflies And Booze Are Not Confidence Builders

...Why can't things just be easy? Why do I insist on being retarded around people to whom I'm attracted? Why can't I think about anything other than kissing him again? What's so damn great about making out anyway? Ok, that last one was sarcastic, but I have a date tomorrow night and I'm nervous. I'm never nervous. I don't get intimidated and I don't scare off easily but this one makes me nervous. This is ridiculous.

It's A Whole New Ballgame...

Last night, as I sat half in my bed and half on it with my just washed hair wrapped up in a towel, thinking about all the things I had to get done in the next few days and wanting to ignore it all for a little while longer to let Saturday replay in my head one more time, the phone rang. And it was him. At that moment, no one else could have made me smile the way he did by just letting me know he was thinking about me... we talked for a little over 1/2 hour and later I slept a still and dreamless sleep. It never ceases to amaze me how I can ride the high from one single moment for days.

When I Don't Know What To Do, I Do The Unexpected.

Saturday night and Sunday morning, I felt wanted and appreciated more than I have in the past three months. Today, that has me torn between happy and sad. Remind me not to stop trusting new people just because the people I already know give me a million reasons not to trust anyone.

Movin' On Up

Well, it's pretty much done except for signing the paperwork and the actual moving of stuff. I'll be living in the heart of the Hawthorne district above a pizza place and a little boutique, across the street from the Bagdad Theater. How rad is that? I'm excited, but not looking forward to packing everything up and trucking it over the the new place next weekend. My folks are going to come up and help me pack, so that'll make things easier, but there's no elevator in the new place and the stairs are going to break my will to live. Ah well, that's the price I'm willing to pay for a cool place in a cool location. Actually, $595 is the price I'm willing to pay, but that's damn cheap.

This weekend will be spent doing laundry and getting things somewhat organized before my folks come up. I want this move to be as easy as possible. Also, there will be a little bit of new apartment celebrating this weekend, so if you're reading this and you're in the area, come on down to the Boiler Room and buy me a drink. Woo!

Frickin', Frickin', Frickin'...

So, I go home last night and try to dial into the internet and what happens? Nothing. The modem isn't getting a dial tone. Huh. Interesting. So I call my roommate and ask her if anyone had disconnected the phone and maybe just forgotten to tell me and she said not as far as she knew. After checking out the latest phone bill, it turns out it's three payments behind and therefore has been shut off. That's just great. Who knows where the money I gave her for my half of the bills went, but apparently the phone company didn't get it. So, now I can't get online at home until I move to a new place. *sigh* Fantastic. Also, I never got a call on Monday about going out that night, so it didn't happen. It wasn't a solid plan so it's no big deal, but I just wish people would call when they say they will. I don't think that's asking too much.

On a lighter note, there's talk about living with Lara instead of Owen. He's still up in the air about his relationship with his ex and Lara is for sure needing a roommate so the idea has been thrown out there for discussion. Owen's has already said go for it, I'm going to talk to her more about it tonight, and hopefully she can come look at the place I want to move into on Hawthorne tomorrow. If this works out, I'll have to figure out how to pay rent there by myself until she can move in March. Please, please, please make this work. I just want to be settled somewhere before my birthday. I want to start my 30th year in a good physical and mental space, so please let this work.

Sweeeeeet!!

Go here and make movies about me. Do it. You know you want to.

Move Aside And Let The Man Go Through

After talking on the phone for over an hour last night, I think I might have a date tonight. Dude....crazy.

Potentially Embarrassing Confessions

~I like the smell of gasoline.

~I think Matthew Lawrence is totally hot. (the middle Lawrence brother...whoa.)

~I have enough underwear that I can go 6 weeks without doing laundry.

~I like Disney movies. A lot.

~The thought of giving birth freaks me out.

~When I look in the mirror, 90% of the time I still feel like I look the same as I did before I lost 70 lbs.

~I will be 30 in 45 days and I still shop at Hot Topic.

You Win!

Hey you....yeah, you...over there at Scam City....you were the 10,000th visitor here....nice one, dude.

Got to hang out with Guy last night at the bar. Seriously, that dude cracks me up. He brought a friend he's known since they were 5 and she was very cool so the night went well. Didn't get home until just after 5:30am so I didn't even get up until an hour and a half ago. Yay for sleep! I'm off to Powell's to sell some books and see what Joe's plans for the night after he's done with work are...wish me luck.

Keep It On And On

The last two days have been filled with the usual mix of ups and downs... phone numbers were finally exchanged (woo!), I got to see Brad do his thing at the Viscount last night, I came home from work to the minor chaos of things being moved and rearranged, I'm having to get used to someone other than Shauna being there when I'm not (which I can already see is not going to be fun), and my social skills when it comes to talking to strangers are back. Today I have to call Owen and see if he's got time to look at apartments with me tomorrow. I foresee good things happening this weekend and, as usual, they are going to be the result of an attitude adjustment on my part. The chameleon is back.

Shake It Like A Polaroid Picture

Those Outkast guys really know how to break it down for me: "If what they say is: 'Nothing is forever.' then what makes love the exception and why oh why are we so in denial when we know we're not happy here?" Damn straight. It's been beaten to a bloody pulp, we hashed and rehashed and I cried, as I am prone to doing especially when I don't want to, and now this...this...whatever it was with D is over and I can stop feeling guilty for wanting to date someone else. He never wanted or appreciated me even when he had me and I knew I never had him but he told me anyway, so what's done is done and now we know where we stand. That's fuckin' great. So why do I feel so shitty?

Aw Man.

Had a great time last night at Noah’s housewarming/Brad’s birthday party. The usual BR suspects were there and copious amounts of alcohol were consumed. I spent a good portion of the night talking to Joe (this made me happy), who ended up crashing on my couch so I could make sure he got up to go to class this morning. I pulled up next to his car, which was still parked at Noah’s, and when he got out, we saw that someone had smashed his back driver’s side window and stolen his bag with all of his school books in it! Ugh. I felt so bad, knowing that he’d just spent $300 to get his car back from the shop after having it break down on a freeway on-ramp and who knows how much on books for the term. Plus, we’d just spent part of the night commiserating about how broke we both are. Sucky way to end an otherwise fun night.

W.W.N.D.?

Today was sorta up and down. I was told I'm getting more responsibilities, a raise and a different title at work, but would still have do do some of the same stuff I'm doing now. I called D at work (probably should have just left it alone, but you know me...) and asked if he had time to talk to me tonight, but I have a house-warming party to be at in 45 minutes, where I know someone who has a crush on me and I have a crush on is going to be, and I'm guessing the conversation isn't going to happen between now and then so welcome to confusion city. Also, I'm broke like Hammer and have to figure out what I'm gonna do about moving.

It's times like these when I wonder, "What would Nelly do?" because it's gettin' hot in herre...

In Flux

As was to be expected, I'll be moving out in the not-so-distant future. I'm not sure where to yet, but I'll let you know when I figure it out. I hung out for a bit with Owen today and there was talk of us living together...more on that as the plan develops.

I've tried calling Jason and D twice each today and gotten no response. Call me nutty, but I'm worried. It's not like Jason to fall off the Earth and ....well, I have a lot of reasons to be worried about D.

The Dull Ache

My body does not like me today. My hand is still bruised from a few days ago, my back and neck still feel a little tight from the Mt. Tabor slam, and I woke up to the renovation three days early, making my lower back and abdomen cry. Happy Saturday to me.

I went to the bar last night, expecting to hang out with the usual suspects. I knew D was back, but didn't know if he'd come out or not. Half of me bet he would and the other half assumed he wouldn't want to see me. He did show up and the first half hour or so was awkward, to say the least. It was awkward to the point where Brad and Joe felt it. I apologized to them about it later as I don't ever want to bring tension or drama there. That place is a comfort zone for me and don't want that to change.

It took a bit for either of us to look each other in the eye. He'd said he'd gotten little sleep and wasn't functionally awake when he first got there, so when I finally did look up into his face, I don't know what I was seeing... a mix of sleep deprivation, worry, sadness, fear, hope...each of these intermixed with the others and overlapped each other in turns, each trying to be the dominant visible emotion. I'm sure my own face was washed with the same, with some hurt, frustration and confusion thrown in for good measure. I wanted to talk to him and give my attention to him, at the same time wanting to ignore him and punish him for hurting me, but my focus kept drifting over his shoulder to Joe, who ended up on the other side of D every time seats shifted. He was flashing me looks, both entertained and a little sympathetic, and if not for his attempts to get a smile out of me, I would probably have left minutes after D walked in the door.

He didn't stay long and as he was getting ready to go, I asked where he'd parked and if I could walk with him to his car. I told Brad and Joe I'd be right back and we headed out. There was the usual silence that precurses a serious conversation and he broke it with a comment about how he'd turned into his father with regard to his emotional unavailability. I don't know why I said it, but I said what would be a good idea is if everything could just go back to normal. He said he'd tried tonight and didn't think he'd done a very good job of it, but thought he'd be better tomorrow. We stopped in the lobby of the parking garage and looked at each other. I said we should talk after he'd gotten some sleep and he said he'd planned to be out at the bar the next night. The bar isn't really the best place to talk and I told him that...then I said I missed him and he said he'd missed me too, but knew I wouldn't believe him. At that, I took pause to actually read him... the tears came unexpectedly and I said I did believe him. Guh. I'd told myself I wasn't going to cry, wasn't going to show any weakness or hurt, and did my best to pull it together quickly. I said I just wanted things to be normal and I didn't know if he could do that or even wanted to do that and he asked what I meant. I said I wanted things to go back to the way they were before he left. I didn't even know if that was possible and said maybe it was a stupid thought anyway. He looked at me for a minute and stepped over to hug me. We stood there for a minute, holding on tight and just being, before he pulled back to look at me. He leaned down and kissed my forehead and then my cheek. He told me his plan for today, said he'd call me after he was done with work and headed up to his car as I walked back to the bar.

They boys asked how things had gone and I gave them the Reader's Digest version and said I was probably an idiot for saying what I'd said. They were supportive and sweet, the conversation turned to other things, more songs were sung and I offered to take Joe home when we were both ready to go. When we pulled up to his house, Joe asked when I'd be back at the bar and I said probably the next night. He said he'd come by after work and hang out and I told him if he couldn't get his car back from the shop, I'd take him home again but we'd have to stop at Voodoo Donut on the way. He was game and that was that. When I got home, I crawled into bed and was almost immediately asleep.

It's Blog Birthday Time

2 years. Nothing has changed. Everything from this still holds true. Yay me.

This Is How I Feel Right Now

*sad girl*


*thanks to involution.org for this.

Damn It, Beavis

I can't figure out how I can love someone the way I do and hate them at the same time. Guh, yes I can. Logically, I know that hate stems from hurt and, while I have no right to be hurt, I am. It's stupid, but I am. The strange part about that is, it hurts far less than I would have expected. Maybe I'm just numb because I haven't seen him yet. He hasn't had to look me in the eye and feel me hurting and I haven't had to look back and see what there is, if anything, to see.

For as much of his heart and head as he pours into his writing, you'd think I'd know where I stand and how he feels about me. I don't know shit.

Or Not

Airport's closed. Guess he won't be back until tomorrow. The suspense of what's going to be said is killing me.

Here and Now

He's coming back today and I don't know how to feel.

Ow.

I went out to the car awhile ago, intending to drive 10 miles an hour to the Rite-Aid about 10 blocks from here, pick up cat food and soup and come home. I wasn't really paying attention when I first walked out the front door, but by the time I got over to the car, a woman's voice, cursing the chains she couldn't seem to make fit on her tires, pulled me out of my head. She looked up and asked if I had chains, which of course I didn't as it's not even my car, and said I wouldn't be able to get anywhere without them. Then she said she had been trying for almost an hour but couldn't manage to get her chains on and I said I'd help her. Over near the car were two guys, who seemed amused by the woman and her dilemma but were making an effort to help and couldn't seem to figure the chains out either. Introductions were made, though for the life of me I can't remember any of their names now, and between one of the guys and myself, we had the chains on both front tires about 10 minutes later. In that short time, my hands had gone nearly numb. Once she'd tested them out and was sure the chains were going to get her down the street, I went back inside to wash the dirt off my hands and change my shoes so I could walk to Rite-Aid because the cat still needed food. The walk was uneventful, I didn't fall down once and now I'm home eating chunky vegetable soup. Mmm...cold weather and soup. However, I can finally feel my hands now that they're not painfully cold and I must have banged the hell out of my right paw because there's a happy little bruise over the knuckle of my ring finger. Looks like something exploded in there. Damn. See what happens when I help people...

My Outside Feels Just As Bad As My Inside

With all the snow and ice the last two days, I've only been at work for yesterday's 1/2 day since the 31st. I'm not comfortable being on the road with a city full of people who don't know how to drive in it and, as of yesterday's phone call from one of the corporate honchos, the Seattle area offices are closed so the Portland area offices should close at the discretion of the managers. I called my boss last night to say if things were the same today as yesterday on the roads, I wouldn't be coming in. The heat in the office doesn't work right, so she and I were sharing the pain yesterday of frozen fingers and toes...you just can't work like that. Highways are closed all over the place and the MAX isn't even running. People have slid into each other and trees and most anything else you can think of and abandoned their vehicles on the sides of roads around the city. It's crazyness.

So, since yesterday was such a winter wonderland, around 3ish Trip and I decided to go sledding. The only problem with that idea is that we don't have sleds. Being the ingenious kids we are, we headed over to GI Joe's and he buys two 6'x9' tarps for $3 each. These things are slicker than shit and we knew we'd fly down the hills on 'em. We proceeded to Mt. Tabor (home of the soap box derby I went to over the summer and some of the best hillsides in the city) and it was already starting to get dark. Not too many people left up there but the street lights were starting to come on and the die-hards were still zipping around on runner sleds and cardboard and innertubes. We plowed up the 50 or so stairs to the top of the hill above where the cars park and looked down at what lay before us.

The hill drops off at about a 75 or 80 degree angle for around 50 feet, flattens out for about 15 or 20 feet and then slopes down again at maybe 45 degrees for another 25 or 30 feet shooting you out into the parking lot. Yeah baby yeah. I watched him wrap himself up in the tarp and go flying off the edge, mostly sliding on his back and side facing forward until the middle, where he got turned around and slid the rest of the way into the lot going backwards. It didn't strike me until my third run that the potential for catching air coming off the first slope was damn high if you were laying right but I found out the hard way as I slammed down and wrenched my neck, back and hip. I took a minute to catch my breath, staring up at the sky as bits of ice scratched at my face, wondering if my lungs would freeze if the air I struggled to suck in didn't warm between my mouth and them. I finally sat up and then got up and shook it off, plodded back up the stairs and did one more run before I had to call it quits and just watch. For that short time, I forgot about everything and just enjoyed being a kid again. All the head noise disappeared and, for about two hours, I was 12 again, playing in the first snowstorm after we moved to Santa Fe and feeling like everything was right with the world.

Today, I hurt. I feel like I did some hard core workout and pulled everything possible in the process. My neck is screaming, my back is tweaked, my ribs are sore and my ass...well, it's thawed out quite nicely, thank you very much. Today, I know 12 is long gone and the simple things like playing in snow are temporary distractions from the real world. The girl I am right now is as real as you can get - no bullshit, no pretense, no facades, no lies. Just me. Far from perfect, but real. Here. Now. Waiting.

Between my hurt outside and my hurt inside, I could use a hug...

*listening to Idlewild - check out the lyrics to "Out Of Routine", "Stay The Same", and "In Remote Part"*

Top 3 Things About Myself I Hate That Could Be Considered Virtues

1. My seemingly unending ability to forgive.

2. My hyper-empathy.

3. My ability to love undeserving fuck-ups.

And What's Worse...

It struck me a bit ago that I should be floating around in a world of ignorant bliss, eagerly awaiting Thursday. There have been no phone calls or letters, no insight obtained through direct communication whatsoever. I should be sitting here, happily trusting and content in the knowledge that he cares about me and would never do anything to hurt me. I know what I know not because of an honest moment face-to-face but because of words on a screen. Of the people apparently involved, I don't even warrant a second of time. In all of the chaos, I am last on the list of concerns, first in line to be discarded; I am insignificant.

Goddamn It

I hate saying things out of anger that I don't mean. It's not in my nature to be spiteful. I'm just tired of being "that girl..." -the one who gives everything and forgives everything and gets hurt over and over and is lied to and is a second or third choice. I'm just tired of crying.

All I know right this minute is this: you don't hurt people you love.

I Take It Back

All of it. Every word. Because you don't deserve me.

And The Truth Shall Set You Free

I can see several different ways it could happen, but in all of the scenarios, I'm the one who walks away. I'm the one who's hurt and I'm the one who cries because I was the one who was honest with him and myself about the way I felt - still feel.

Two months was the limit and I've maxed out my time. The rest is just words.

Day Five...Call Me When It's Over

I'm a serious advocate of full disclosure truth telling. It just keeps everyone around you aware of where things stand and allows for educated decision making. However, I find that I don't always have the best timing when I blurt out how I'm feeling and later I wonder if it was really the best idea to say anything at all. For example, yesterday I vented, via instant messages, my frustrations about the barrage of unsolicited advice I've received in the last week re: my relationship with the recipient of the messages. I don't know if technical difficulties cut the conversation short or if he was just done listening to me bitch, but I was left staring at the screen wondering if what I'd been dumping on him was really need-to-know info. Even as I was typing, the usual twinge of guilt surfaced and by the end of the very one-sided conversation I felt like shit for pulling him into my problem. I still feel like shit.

Since I've earned the time, I took a personal day off from work to get some stuff done this morning (dr. appt for a physical) and now that I'm home, I'm hoping for an uneventful rest of the day. I always feel kind of violated after visiting the doctor and I'm glad it's only once a year. Now, it's nap time.

Childish Games

Remember back in elementary school when you could pick a flower, remove the petals one by one, each representing "he loves me" or "he loves me not," and when the stem was bare, which ever one was last was the answer? If only it was that easy now...

You May Be Right...I May Be Crazy

There are days when I feel like I'm losing my mind. Today is one of those days.

Which Is It?

Absence makes the heart grow fonder or out of sight, out of mind? A little of both, perhaps. Time away from anyone gives you an opportunity to get some perspective on what that person means to you. If they do in fact mean something, you behave accordingly while they/you're gone. If they don't, you do whatever you want as the whims take you. I've made the choices I've made in the recent days because on some level, I care. I don't know if I can say the same for him.

I Just Want To Turn It All Off

I don't want to want him anymore. I just don't.

Just Let Me Bitch

The snow stopped and today the rain started. I have no plans for the evening and no plans for the 4 day weekend. I have a huge pile of laundry to do and I'm broke until Friday. I wanted to go out tonight and get all dressed up but I don't have a date and it's too frickin' cold to be running around in a little black dress. The older I get, the more I try to trust people and then get burned.

Someone let me get what I want just once. Please.

It Has Begun...

Ok, so it's already snowing. If things keep up like this, I'll get a 5 day weekend. Sweet.

Cold

I’ve had trouble keeping my hands warm today. Seems like the frost in my all but forgotten heart has traveled down to my fingers and made itself a happy little home. Unless you want frostbite, it’s better if you don’t touch me right now. It’s supposed to be snow again tomorrow and that sounds just fine to me.

It’s dark in here except for the glow of the screen in front of me and the sliver of light coming in through the break in the curtains from the street lamp outside. I stripped off my clothes the minute I locked the door behind me and crawled into bed, hoping the blankets would chase off the chill. The stark contrast of recently dyed black hair against pale skin and over green eyes makes me look sickly since the freezing wind stole all the color from my cheeks and lips. I’m thankful for the darkness so I don’t have to see myself like this.

One more day and then I can sleep.

I Want To Be A Dream Girl...

I'm finally remembering my dreams again as of three days ago and let me tell you, I dream some weird shit. Weird. I had a dream the other night where I was walking through a campus similar to my old college layout with D and we were on our way to meet some friends of mine for dinner at a street fair/flea market type dealie. There were tents set up with chairs and pillows on mats on the floor and when we walked in, my friend Ho was sitting there talking to a bunch of people who looked vaguely like D -dreads, milk chocolate skin, beautiful- but they all had French Creole accents and seemed kind of stoned. None of this seemed weird at the time. So, we sat down in two of the empty chairs next to each other and leaned over to kiss...something weird happened at this point because the next thing I knew I was waking up from a nap and everyone was making their way to a flight of stairs, at the top of which was the restaurant where we were meeting my friends for food. The entrance reminded me of a place I used to go to for sushi in Eugene called Shiki -bamboo in pots on both sides of the doorway, black curtain with a split in the middle- and just as we were about to go through the curtain, I woke up feeling really disoriented.

I really wonder what triggers this stuff...

A Modest Proposal

I feel well rested, calm, nearly stress-free. I'd like to make a suggestion to the powers that be: implement the three day work week permanently. Those four days off did me worlds of good. This week is the same deal as the office is closed Thursday and Friday and I always have Saturday and Sunday off. While I don't have it in me to go out to Dante's tonight (it wouldn't be the same without D anyway), staying in will give me a chance to read more of the books I got for Christmas and maybe get my bead box organized. Unless Eric is back in town and wants to watch a movie or something. *<---obvious hint if he's reading this* Anyway, back to the grind...

Lost In Sound

Before Christmas, I'd gone shopping and ended up in Djangos looking at the used cd racks. There were so many unfamiliar album covers and band names that I didn't know where to begin. I asked if I could listen to some of them before I decided to buy anything and the guy behind the counter said I could. I started flipping through disc after disc, hoping something would grab me and become my new favorite band of the moment. Having no idea what I was in for, I selected four based purely on band name and cover art. Of the four, I only went home with one: Gravity and Henry's "Sputnik - Travelling Companion". GandH are an indie rock band consisting of two guys, Matt Sheehy and Jarhid Brown. Turns out they're local and played MusicfestNW back in August. I've had the disc in my cd player since the day after I bought it. Songs that jump out are track 1 - "trigger/response," track 5 - "lullaby song," and track 9 - "the apollo room." The only downer is that the lyrics aren't in the liner notes and I can't find them anywhere on the 'net. Bastards. They're playing at PSU in January, so maybe I can smack them around about the lyrics thing then. Anyway, go out and listen to their album. It was the best $1.99 I spent this year.

Box This

As today is the most shoppingest day of the year, I'm hesitant to venture out into the world and see what the sale racks hold. Maybe I can convince Shauna to come brave the crowds with me for an hour or two....could be worth it to find a new sweater or something for dirt cheap.

With almost all of the people I normally hang out with out of town already or going out of town for awhile, it's going to be a slow transition back to entertaining myself. It gives me time to catch up on my reading (got 10 new books for Christmas! Woo!) and movie watching and reconnect with some of the people I haven't been seeing as much of lately. However, I'm still not looking forward to New Year's Eve.

Out Of The Woodwork

After Shauna and I got back from Christmas festivities in Eugene, we headed straight for the bar. Guy had called and said I should let him know when we got there so he could come meet us... 15 minutes later he walked in the back door. I hadn't seen him since Halloween and he'd changed enough that it took me a minute to recognize him. The once blonde hair was dark again and a four day old mustache/goatee was coming in making him look a little rugged. We liked it.

It took no time at all for us to slide into the old comfort zone and start acting goofy, singing along with the other karaokers and behaving badly. I'm not sure why we don't hang out more often as we always enjoy our time together and say we should hang out more. He's leaving in a few days to go to Hawaii for a week but when he gets back, I'm going to call him and see what's what.

Dutch Babies And Bacon...The Breakfast Of Champions

We opened everything last night so we could all sleep in a bit today (when I was a kid, I'd be up at 6am waking the whole house up to open presents...the family has learned that's it's just better to do it at night and then they get to sleep as long as they want) and breakfast is being made as we speak. I have to go wake up Shauna in a little bit so I'm keeping this short and sweet. So, Merry Christmas and shit. Hope your day rocks. ;)

It's Still Tuesday

2 1/2 weeks is only a fraction of a second in the general scheme of things but the five minutes after the doors of his bus closed and he rode away felt like lifetimes. I've never been someone you could call co-dependent; my self-preservation safeguards won't let me be that needy. But he hadn't even left yet and I already missed him. ....So many reasons to look forward to the holidays being over...

What Was Once A Raging Fire....

I'm bored. I'm tired of making concessions for everyone. I'm tired of giving people more chances than they deserve. I'm tired of having to make all the decisions. I'm tired of my bedroom being cold and empty. I'm tired of waiting out the dry spell that's been in effect for the last month. I need to be entertained and given a chance and told what to do and warm and desired. I need to be engaged, both physically and mentally, because I'm tired of running on auto-pilot.

It's Madness Out There

Christmas shopping is my least favorite activity these days. While I'm all about giving, I'm not so much about crowded malls, rude people and being broke. I'm pleased to say I only have a few small things to get and then I'm done but it can't be over soon enough. I also have a ton of laundry that's been piling up and seemingly no time to do it, not to mention the fact that I'm out of detergent and haven't made time to hit the grocery store. Guh.

In the midst of all the rushing around, I've found myself with down time during the transit from one stop to the next on the bus. Having allowed someone else to steer my mood as of late, I've flip-flopped between merely content and severely under appreciated. Somehow, when I'm as alone as anyone can be on a bus surrounded by strangers, the moodiness is magnified to the point of causing a headache. I regularly ask myself what I'm doing and the answer has remained constant: I have no idea.

That was Nice But I'm Glad I'm Home

The company holiday party was today during business hours so we closed the offices at 11am and headed over to Salty's to eat, drink and be merry. The food was great, the mimosas were flowing and the people I spent time talking to were very cool. Things wound down around 3:30, so a few of us from my property headed over to the Portland City Grill for happy hour drinks and sushi. Good stuff. I got on a bus to go home at 6:30 and, fun as the day was (who wouldn't like getting paid to socialize and eat and drink mimosas?), I'm so happy to be in my bed right now. The only thing that would make me happier is dream-filled sleep...

Oh Yeah...

Anyone have any new music I should hear? I'm jonesing for a new mixed cd, yo.

The Empty Space Beside Me

I wanted to tell you I miss you. I realized the other day that I don't miss you because I just like having people around and I don't miss you because I'm lonely. I miss you.

The Sweetest Thing...

So, as you all know, I've been sick. I haven't gone out since Thursday (holy crap!!). I've been tired more than anything for the last two days so I know I'm getting better but besides work, I haven't spent much time with other people. Yesterday when I got home, Shauna and Trip were playing Fusion Frenzy on the XBox and I changed into pajamas and watched for a bit before I ordered a pizza. I knew from the minute I woke up yesterday that I wasn't going out last night, so I got settled on the couch and resigned myself to another night in. Around 8ish, D called and asked if I was going to Dante's. When I said I wasn't, he asked if I wanted him to stop by on his way out and, of course, I said yes. He showed up about an hour later and for about ten minutes, I had as much attention as anyone could possibly want. Hugs, kisses, being told he wanted to see me since he'd been distracted while we were shopping for a few hours on Sunday and he hadn't really seen me for a few days.... I loved every second of it. After he left, he went to his car and came back a minute later with a cd by a band called Far and said I should borrow it because he thought I'd really like them, which I did. And I slept like a baby last night (still dreamless...grr).

While I love spending lots of time with people I care about, I love getting quality time even more...

I See You...And What See Is Beautiful

I'm not sure what, if anything, I could possibly say to make you understand how beautiful you are and I can't begin to tell you how special you are because the words I have wouldn't be enough. Maybe it's better that you don't know because part of your beauty is in your lack of self-awareness and part of what makes you special is that you understand me anyway. So thank you for being you and know that I love you...

Do I Look Like Your Mother? No? I Didn't Think So.

You know what I like? Not having to make decisions for everyone all the time. It's nice when people do things because they want to rather than because I've asked them. I hate being the responsible one all the time. There's a reason I'm not anyone's mother. Frickin', frickin', frickin'.....guh.

Ok, I feel a little better now.

As far as being sick goes, I'm on the mend. I slept for most of the last two days and that helped a lot. However, the guest room remodel has started again so I'm easily set off and cranky. I've also been alone for too long and I'm starting to get pissy with everyone for no good reason. Don't come near me...I might explode.

Addendum

Some more tea would be nice too...*cough cough*

Wallowing

I admit it. I am actually sick now. So much for the sick karma gods coming through for me. The only person who's called and asked if I need anything yesterday or today is Owen. Ironic? A little. I got up earlier to make myself some tea and toast and to get a glass of orange juice but that's about all I've done outside my room today. I fell asleep right at the end of Edward Scissorhands last night around 9ish and didn't wake up until just before 10 this morning. Watched The Talented Mr. Ripley a bit ago and I'm trying to decide if I should take a nap or watch another movie. To add to the suffering, I caught my thumb nail on a box at work yesterday and it ripped below the pink. It's been throbbing since then. I know I'm being a whiny little biatch, but all I want right now is for someone to rub my back and take care of me.

Stupid Throat...Wait, Stupid Me

Hi, I'm an idiot. I'm totally getting sick and have the heinous sore throat and cough and I went to a smoky bar last night and sang a shitload of songs and stayed until the bar closed, thereby getting about 5 hours of sleep. Somebody just shoot me. Or don't.

I can't seem to get my head straight lately. One minute I'm riding the waves and the next, I'm caught in the undertow. My brain goes into overdrive at night when I'm trying to fall asleep. And mostly, I just hate sleeping alone. I hate feeling alone....Well, not alone so much as desperately lonely. So, hold me close and tell me you want me and that everything will be okay...

Cutting Off My Nose...

I get two words from taking me away from you all the time. I realize that I'd actually be taking you away from me and that's what stops me. Turns out I'm the one who would care...

Even If It's Not Fun, Time Flies

It's already Thursday. It's already the 11th. Guh. My throat was raw and screaming this morning for the third day in a row; I've spent most of today trying to convince my body not to succumb to the plague of which that's a sure sign and just stay healthy. There isn't enough orange juice in the world to fight the germs once they get into my throat, but Mom's patented Listerine cure might do the trick. The coughs that've been few and far between, however, are indicative of a worse fate than being a little hoarse for a few days. I can't stand the idea that I might be getting sick. The smart thing to do would be to stay home, take some NyQuil and get some rest but, since "I am not sick.", there's no need to stay in and miss out on singing some of the new stuff they got the other day at the bar. Gawd, I'm killing me...

Random tangent: it's been awhile. I don't like that. Frustrating, really. Just fyi.

Going Through The Motions

It's lunch time. A stack of bills to process four inches thick patiently waits at my desk. I'm on my third bottle of water for the day. Painfully neglected fingernails tap on overused keys. This morning's repetitive motion sunk it's teeth into my neck, shoulders and wrists. My head is filled with somewhere else. At some point, the ride will stop and I will get off. Until then, creme-filled chocolate cookies washed down with mountain spring water absorb the motion sickness and kill the vertigo. There is work to be done and there are songs to be sung and there are movies to watch and once the clock strikes 6, I will wake up only to fall into a different dream.

Sanity Is Overrated

After yesterday's bitchy rambling, things took an unexpected turn and I ended up going out, he ended up staying with me last night and he hung out here all day playing XBox with me, Trip and Shauna. What I can't quite get my brain around is how one person, without even trying and believing until recently that his behavior is meaningless, can have such a profound effect on my world. He's still in a blue mood and I float in and out... I was actually content for the first time in a week this morning when we woke up. I give it about 24 hours before it wears off. D'oh.

Me Vs. Me, Round 10

Issue #1: I've never been very good at sharing. Issue #2: Rarely does anyone ask me what I want. Issue #3: Far too often, I go along with what everyone else wants just to get to spend time with the people involved even if I don't really want to do whatever or go wherever we end up. I'm pretty easy going when it comes to that stuff. The last few days, all I've wanted to do is stay in and actually get some time alone with D, but that hasn't happened. I've ended up getting time alone with me and that's the last thing I need. Strangely enough, when I've been asked if I'm going to end up where he's going to end up, I've said no. I didn't want to go to the bar last night and I don't want to go out anywhere tonight and while I do want to see him, I don't want to go out. In fact, I'm so adamant about not wanting to go out that I haven't seen him since Wednesday. I've tried to figure out what my problem is and what it comes down to is this: he hasn't stayed the night here since Thanksgiving. Because he lives with his grandparents for the time being, I can't really stay with him. This whole thing is making me nuts but I feel guilty and selfish for wanting what I want. On top of that, it's depressing as hell to sit in the car in front of my house or his and look at each other and want to go in or want him to come in but end up going in alone. It kills me and makes me not want to go out at all. I feel like I've been exiled...like I'm being punished or something. And that's all I have to say about that.

Dreamless Sleep

Holy crap. I was in bed and asleep before 10 last night. What the hell? I got tons of sleep but, strangely, don't remember any of my dreams. Usually I dream a lot and remember most of them but, for about the last month, I haven't remembered a single one. Is that weird or what? Maybe there's something I'm trying to block out... Maybe I've just been so tired that my brain isn't processing everything correctly to produce dreams.... Maybe my dreams are being stolen by that freaky scientist guy in The City of Lost Children!!! Aaaggghhh!!! OK, whoa. Everything is going to be fine. Dude. Seriously. Relax. There is no freaky scientist guy and he's not stealing your dreams. Even if he was, all the dreams he steals end up being nightmares so you didn't want to remember dreaming that stuff anyway. So chill out. Geez. You're weird.

Back In Action...Sort Of

I'm feeling quite a bit better today. My only stress is work and I expect that to continue until I get settled into my new job in my own office with my own desk and have a clear cut idea of what my responsibilities are going to be. As always, I'm contemplating going out tonight. The mood I'm in later will dictate that decision but I would definitely not be opposed to a quiet night on the couch in front of a movie with dinner, a blanket and a fire in the fireplace.

The wind has been roaring all last night and today and the rain will likely get going full force right about the time I'm leaving work to walk down to my bus stop. At least it's almost Friday. I'm eating popcorn, Oreos and two chocolate covered caramels for lunch and I don't even feel guilty. Ok, maybe a little. Eddie and Steph both had little presents for me when I came back to work today...they said they were worried about me and missed having me around the past two days. That was cute. I need a nap...

It's Beyond My Control

I completely lost it yesterday. Completely. Before I go into how that went down, I need to precurse with a little background about me and my emotional well being. I can't remember a time growing up when I wasn't told that I was overly sensitive or too emotional. I am the most empathetic person I know and, as I'm sure I've mentioned before, an extreme emotional sponge. If someone I care about is down, I'm down. If they're hyper and in a good mood, the same holds true for me. I can not turn this off and it makes me feel helpless (can we say control issues?).

The last week or so has been a roller coaster for a couple of the people close to me and things have been especially bad since last Friday. Being around everyone as much as I am means I get tossed back and forth between happy and depressed every five minutes. I haven't been sleeping well and I've tried to keep some semblance of normalcy...I guess in an effort to be the solid, got-it-together girl I feel like people expect me to be. Between the sleeplessness and bottling myself up and starting to feel physically ill, things finally boiled over yesterday morning.

I felt like crap and had a fever when I got to work and was on the verge of tears from the get-go, so when my boss said good morning, I told her I felt sick and she sent me home, no questions asked. The minute I got out the door and to the crosswalk, the floodgates opened. Without even thinking, I called D and told him I'd been sent home from work. I wanted to tell him everything; the only thing I could say was that I was not ok and I didn't want to talk about it on the phone. The panic in his voice knocked some sense into me and I realized I must have come off like someone died or I had some life-threatening disease or something. I immediately apologized and said I shouldn't have called, shouldn't have started his day that way. I felt mean and selfish and desperately wished I had better control of myself and the situation but the tears wouldn't stop and the guilt magnified everything. I said he had things to do and I would talk to him later; he insisted he'd call before he had to be at the radio station at noon. About five minutes later, he called and said he wouldn't be able to function with the thoughts running through his head weighing on him all day and I needed to tell him what was going on. I gave him the Reader's Digest version and by the end of that conversation, he'd planned to come see me after he was done at the station so we could talk face to face.

When I got home, I went straight to bed and finally stopped crying and fell asleep about an hour and a half later. I napped for about four hours and still felt shitty, but heard a movie going in the living room, so I went out and parked it on the couch in my pajamas and panda slippers. Shauna and Trip didn't even hear me come in but when they realized I was in the room and got a good look at me, the tears started again and I told them what I'd done. They were too sweet about it, both trying to make me laugh and watching another movie and then music videos with me and ordering pizza. I'd finally gotten to where I could take a deep breath and stopped sniffling when the phone rang. D came over about an hour later and after sitting in the living room talking to Trip and Shauna for about twenty minutes, he motioned to my room and we went back to talk.

Needless to say, the tears started back up almost immediately after we shut the door and sat down. I layed out everything...what I'd been thinking and feeling and explained about the whole empathy thing and tried to make clear that he shouldn't feel guilty about feeling however he felt, but that I needed him to tell me what's going on so I don't start doubting myself or his feelings for me. By the time we were done, I felt a bit better about everything and where we are and we got to a point where we understood each other. I finally stopped crying and could breathe a little easier just knowing we can communicate well with each other and things would at some point go back to normal.

I still felt feverish and, even though I went to bed at 11:30 last night, physically exhausted when I woke up this morning so I called in sick today. Having a mental breakdown takes a lot out of a girl so I'm calling yesterday and today mental health days because if anyone needs to take some time for herself it's me. By tomorrow, I'll be back to my usual, middle-of-the-road self.

Reject

I'm being pushed away. It's painfully obvious. The last few days have felt like any effort from him has been forced and I don't know how to act or what to say or if it would make any difference anyway. When he looks at me, I see the urge to run fighting with whatever guilt he'll lay on himself when he finally does. I hate that I see it coming. And I hate that he keeps saying he'll call me when I know that's the last thing he wants to do.

Fresh New Day

I woke up this morning feeling blah and not at all rested. I'd expected to stay in last night but when Shauna woke up from her nap, she asked if I felt like going to the bar and two hours later we were off. We had the whole bar to ourselves (Shauna, Trip, Jason, D and me) for most of the night and, of course, the goofiness factor was high. By the time I got home and made my bed, it was 2:45am and I fell right to sleep. I didn't even hear the alarm right away this morning so I missed my normal snooze-fest between 6:30 and 7:30 and had to get moving right away. Guh. I know I should stay home tonight....color my hair and finish my laundry or something. The way I feel right now, I don't want to see anyone or go anywhere but to bed. I know that when 9 o'clock rolls around, I'll be getting ready to head out the door to sit in smoky Dante's and watch my friends sing their little hearts out. Also, I'll be 30 three months from Wednesday. *sigh* I don't know what to say anymore...

Looking In The Mirror Is Bad For The Self Esteem

I ended up with blisters on both of my feet from the sneakers I wore last night with no socks. I haven’t even tried to put on shoes today, but the sting of the soapy water in the shower this morning was enough to tell me it wouldn’t be a good idea. After the steam had gone and the mirror cleared, I took a good look at my face and pajama-clad body. Laugh lines have begun to creep out under my eyes and on either side of my mouth, the cold weather has made my skin dry and flaky in spots, my hair is desperately in need of a cut and color, some of the blisters have broken and become raw, and overall I feel fat and ugly. Before I’d gotten up and seen all of this, I’d tried to wake up and be affectionate with D but got no response. He’s not much of a morning person anyway but, once I’d seen myself in the mirror even after a shower, I guess I wouldn’t want me today either.

I have a ton of laundry to do in the next few hours and I’m looking forward to clean sheets and a freshly made bed. The wind is whistling through the chimney and it’s already dark outside so it feels much later than ten ‘til 5. Jason called earlier to see if I was going out to the bar tonight and at the time I wasn’t sure but now all I can think about is being alone...in some ways, I think I deserve to be alone tonight after the way I behaved this morning.

Your Regularly Scheduled Emotional Outburst

Announcer: Yes, it’s time for another episode of “How Stupid Is She?,” hosted by Ima Whiner and sponsored in part by a grant from the Foundation For Girls Who Fall For The Wrong Guys. Today’s guest is Nina Zero, author of the compelling weblog “Bursting With Fruit Flavor.” Now, here’s Ima!

(Audience applause)

Ima: Thank you…thank you. Nina, welcome.

Nina: Thank you, Ima. It’s great to be here.

Ima: Let’s get right to it and talk about your love life, shall we? We here at “How Stupid Is She?” have been doing some research and our sources tell us you’ve been romantically linked to D, a famous karaoke superstar. Are the rumors true?

Nina: Well, Ima, contrary to popular belief, we are not, in fact, a couple.

Ima: Really? Our cameras have seen you two out and about looking very cozy...(papparazzi-style, secret camera photographs of Nina and D kissing and holding hands at night clubs and telephoto lens, through the kitchen window shots of them cooking Thanksgiving dinner together flash on the screen behind the chairs on stage)

Nina: No, really…we’re not…well…he doesn’t want…I mean…it’s not like we don’t…I mean….it’s just that…well, he cares about me and we really enjoy each other’s company and we’re attracted to each other and have an emotional connection, but he’s in love with two other women whom he’s been friends with for a long time but are currently involved with other people and….well, I….(starts tearing up)…wait a minute, what is this? A Barbara Walters Special?

Ima: (clears throat) So, it appears to the world that you two are an item and now you’re telling me that he has feelings for not one, but two other women… Nina, how stupid are you?

Nina: (sobbing) I know, I know! We've been dating for a month and a half and nothing has changed! “Don’t get attached!” I told myself. “Keep him at a distance!” I told myself. I never listen and now look at me: (turns to the camera, makeup running down her cheeks) I’ve become Tammy Faye Baker minus the religious self-righteousness! (hangs her head and blows her nose)

Ima: Now, now…don’t be too hard on yourself. He is a charming young man and you….well, you are stupid, so you don’t really know any better.

Nina: (sniffling) Oh the shame…

Ima: Well, it looks like we’re out of time. I’d like to thank Nina Zero for being on the show and being so stupid. Tune in next week when our guest will be Hillary Clinton. Thank you and good night!

(audience applause)

(fade out to commercial)

Ok, It's Later...

Damn, I love Indian food. Wait, I'm sure you already know that. I also love seeing old friends that I haven't seen in awhile...like when Owen, Matt and Ed showed up at the bar on Friday night. I forgot to mention that in yesterday's post but that rocked. Owen actually kissed me and bear hugged me and told me he'd missed me. Crazy. Tonight, the regular bar kids are heading down to Dante's so I'm gonna call Owen to see if he'd be into going. I do miss him and I wish we made a point of seeing other more often...

Short Week Ahead...Woo!

This weekend was ...interesting. D picked me up Friday evening and we headed down to the bar. After awhile, he was tired and ready to go so we stopped at my house to pick up clean clothes and made our way back to his house. He woke up Saturday and was running a super high fever....he's usually warm, but it was like his skin was on fire. I sent him straight to the shower and when that didn't cool him off, I proceeded directly to plan B: Shauna's evil cold towel torture treatment. That helped a bit and after a bowl of soup, oj, water and some Tylenol, I sent him back to sleep for a few hours. Once we got going again, we headed down to get a pizza and say hi at to the folks at the bar and then it was back to my place and to bed. Today, he left early to pick up his grandparents from the airport and I slept late...'til almost 1pm. I got up and called Shauna to see if she and Trip were into seeing Gothika and they were so about an hour later we picked up D and headed out to Century 16. In a few minutes, we're heading out to get food and then I have a three day work week to get through before a four day weekend. I can't wait. Four days to sleep in. Yeah baby yeah. More later...

Just Not Cool.

I got an e-mail on Wednesday from someone I don't know, written anonymously, that only contained an exerpt from an entry in D's livejournal about an interaction we had that he wrote a month ago before things progressed the way they did. How fucked is that? I responded, hoping the sender would step up and explain why they felt the need to send it, but so far I've had no reply. And for the life of me, I can't think of who would send me something like that.

In other news, pretty much everyone I know is sick or getting over being sick. I would like to take this opportunity to say muchas gracias to the sick karma gods for giving me mono earlier this year, thereby making me exempt from getting sick until at least 2005. Aw yeah.

It’s Days Like Today…

…when I wonder what the hell I’m thinking. I told D shortly after we started seeing each other that the longest I’ve spent dating anyone was about two months and I’ve never gotten to the point where I called any one of them my boyfriend. My foresight was crystal in each of those cases because, though I’ve maintained friendships with some of them, the relationships were either destructive or superficial. I attract people who are looking for someone to fill a void or be their mother or just plain keep them from being lonely until they find someone “better.” This kills me. So, based on my track record, I have about a month left until things self-destruct. Why do I even think about stuff like this? Because he asks me things like, “Why me?” Instead of telling him the truth and saying that I think he’s wonderful and considerate and adorable and all around great and that I care about him, I should have made a joke out of it and said because he’s a hot piece of ass. My hindsight is even better than my foresight.

Half Way There

With my work day more than half over, I'm starting to feel a bit better than I did first thing this morning and I'm getting jazzed about the show tonight. Just knowing that I don't have to get up in the morning to go to work is keeping me running right now. Well, that and the Indian food I'm eating for lunch....mmmm...tasty.

*insert kung-fu sound effects here*

I had two big lattes today (both free...woo!) and the caffeine and sugar are kicking my ass. But, even though I'm feeling like shit, I'm in a great mood. Must be the 10 hours of sleep I got last night. I only have one more day of work this week, so I'm ready to sleep in on Friday and just have the day to myself. I'm heading out to the bar tonight with Shauna, seeing Maserati with D tomorrow night, seeing Mono with D on Friday night and then it's Dad's birthday Saturday. I'm having a premonition that the next few days are going to be good times...
Damn, it feels good to be a psychic. <--note the song reference...ha...

I Doubt Everything, Including Myself

This is my zen wisdom for today:

-->The confidence you see is a beautiful lie carefully constructed to keep me from letting you in and me out.

Any questions? No? Good. Carry on.

Rock Star Treatment

I sang "Rebel Yell" last night at Dante's and that was seriously the coolest...EVER. They gave me the full reverb, light show, guitar solo treatment and it was awesome!! After that, Jason, Corey, John and his friends and D and I went back over to the bar and Lara and Rachel were there so we hung out with them for awhile before finally going home. I did not want to get up this morning... I feel like crap and I didn't even drink last night. I think I've stressed myself out so much lately that I forced the guest room renovation to start early. Guh. I can't wait to spend a night down with my folks, kick back, hear more about their recent trip to Europe and just relax. I hope that's on the agenda for Saturday because I'm giving up a night with D to make it happen and I desperately need the break from things here...

Hey Baby

Shauna got the No Doubt album "Rock Steady" yesterday and that's what was playing when I got out of the shower this morning. I wish they had "Hey Baby" at Dante's Karaoke From Hell (though I don't know how'd they'd pull that off with a live band) because that's where D and I are going tonight. I never know what to sing when I go there and end up singing stuff that requires no effort just to get up and feel like a rockstar. Maybe I'll give something new a shot...couldn't be any worse than when I sang the GooGoo Dolls song "Iris" the other night at the bar. What a disaster. I knew right then why I always sing the same songs....I know them and I'm good at them. Failure, at whatever endeavor regardless of how ridiculous, is never fun.

Happy?

Yet another really good weekend with D... Friday night out at the bar... Saturday sleeping in, late breakfast at the Detour Cafe, back to the house to watch The Matrix Reloaded and all of the special features, laying around and listening to him play guitar and sing, out to the bar and then over to the Ohm to see Dr. Theopolis, back to the bar and stopped at Voodoo Donut on the way home for fresh donuts...today sleeping in late and laying around talking and whatnot. All good stuff. He's getting closer and I'm letting him. I invited him home with me for Thanksgiving, but I don't know if he'll come. In fact, there's a lot I don't know...

Quiet After The Breakdown

My boss called me into her office this morning and asked me what's been going on this week...said I wasn't myself, it seemed like I didn't want to be here and that she could tell there was something wrong. I, of course, started crying. The stress from so many facets of my life, mostly work, came to a head and exploded. It's been too much and, in usual Tiffany style, I tried to do everything. I can't fix everything for everyone and I can't keep up with my responsibilities as well as do half of someone else's job. On top of all that, someone I care a lot about is hurting emotionally and consequently I hurt. I can deal with one part of my world being chaotic, but not both. Therefore, my focus has been on things outside of work and I haven't been able to find a second to breathe here in the office. Last night, I did some laundry and went to bed early (8:30ish). I slept like the dead but felt very alone when I woke up this morning. Not surprisingly, letting the tears flow earlier today helped with the stress factor. ...I think I need a break...

"You are so fucking cute..."

I don't feel very cute. In fact, I feel like the furthest thing from it.

Guh.

As we're driving around the curves on a dark road through Lewis and Clark College, I heard a heavy sound that was distinctly not part of the song playing on the radio at the time. I pulled over and we found that the back passenger side tire was pretty much destroyed. Sweet. I called Owen and then Ed and about 20 minutes later Ed showed up with a tire inflator (my hero!) but both the spare and the tire that was already on the car were beyond help. Ed dropped us off at Blockbuster so we could rent a movie (Matrix Reloaded) and planned to be back at my house this morning at 7:30 to get to Les Schwab and change out the tire with enough time left over to make sure I got to work today on time. That guy saved my ass and for that I'm eternally grateful.

Monday night I was an emotionally overwhelmed mess (same as what always happens....too many things to deal with at once made me snap and withdraw from everyone) and I'm sorry to say D had to see me like that. I ended up taking him home to Hillsboro and then crashed with him for a few hours as I was exhausted and not in the mood for the drive back to my house. As I was just falling asleep with him holding me and trying desperately not to cry, he said, "I really do care about you, you know..." and, yet again, I didn't know what to say. So I said nothing. And I feel shitty about that.

I'm Only Making It Worse.

It's sad to say that he's only trying to care and not really caring at all, but that seems to be the fact of the matter. We spent the whole weekend together and I know that it means very little to him. It's like he's looking for something or someone to make him feel anything other than how he normally feels, which is depressed and lonely and empty, and I'm conveniently filling that role for the moment. It's a weird place to be... because I know he will eventually be done and then I will be the one who's left feeling hollow. Having said all of that, it doesn't make me care less. That is something I hate about myself, actually. I see so much potential and beauty in who he's trying desperately to be that it doesn't matter if he cares or not. While it would be nice, I'm going to continue to care either way because he deserves to have someone who supports him and wants him to be as happy as he tries to make everyone else. I don't think he believes that...and it kills me. I guess I'm just better at hiding my own similar feelings than he is...

Last Night...She Said....

Went to see Party Monster with Eric last night before going over to the bar to meet up with everyone. Crazy movie. I liked it and at some point, I'll have to see it again. Still couldn't convince Eric to come to karaoke with me. I did, however, get to wake up with D and that's always nice. I'm excited for tomorrow night (nothing better than playing dress up) and only need to get some fairy wings and antennae to complete the costume. The rest is all make-up and a really cool dress, which I already have. The band guys are playing a show at Mt. Tabor and the bar is having a costume party, so I can't wait to see everyone all dressed up.

...The more I talk to D and spend time with him, the more I just want to take care of him. He doesn't give himself enough credit for being a good friend and a good person. He's intelligent, articulate, witty, sensitive...incredibly beautiful. The fact that he doesn't seem to know makes him that much more attractive. And I wish I had the nerve to say this stuff to him out loud...

It's All In My Head

He called me last night after we left the bar just to make sure I got home ok. Then he called me this morning just to say hi. Don't mind me and yesterday's post. I'm just being my normal retarded self.

Don't Wake Me From The Dream

The thoughts that are aching to be verbalized are filled with the potential to ruin everything. "If we're so different and want different things, what are you doing with me, anyway?" "For every little thing you do say, there are a million things left unsaid and those are the things I hear." "I wish you could see yourself the way I see you and that would make you feel whole." All comments that reek of a desire to push him away. That's honestly the last thing I want, but I know how conversations like that usually end. And so I'm quiet. Strangely, I think he's sometimes mad at me for caring about him. It's as if he doesn't feel like he deserves to be happy and can't imagine why I'd waste my time with him. I see more of who he is than maybe he wants me to and it's given me perspective on the reality of our relationship. He's spending time with me because he doesn't want to be alone and I happen to be agreeable. He sees himself as someone who is ultimately bad for me and focuses on that instead of acknowledging the possibility that we could balance each other out and be good for each other. ...I wish he could see what I see and I wish I didn't have the sinking feeling that he'll eventually, like all the others, break my heart......

A Good Kind Of Tired

The past weekend was pretty frickin' rad. Friday night, I went down to the bar early, hung out with Luke and Noah and got something to eat before the crowd showed up. Shauna and Trip headed out to the coast for the weekend, so I expected to have to leave early to catch a bus home, but D said he'd take me home and that was that. We spent most of the weekend together just hanging out and whatnot either at my house, out at the bar or the apartment he's watching for his boss. When he dropped me off at home yesterday around 2:30ish, I managed to take a shower and turn the computer on and promptly passed out until about 9ish, at which point I turned the computer off and went back to sleep until the alarm went off this morning. Oi.

He tells me about the music he loves (of which there's a whole lot). He tells me about his past relationships. He tells me about his family and where he grew up. He tells me I'm cute even when I've just woken up. He tells me he wants me to be happy and make me smile. He tells me he wants to always be honest with me. He tells me I'm amazing. And I don't know what to say...

Annoying Karaoke Couples

Gotta share the conversation we had last night about the couples that have evolved at the karaoke bar: first, there are the couples that do the sappy romantic ballads...Badly. Please spare us the duets from Mannequin, Dirty Dancing, and/or American Tail. People don't want to hear that crap. If you're gonna sing a duet, take your cues from us and do the No Doubt w/ Bounty Killer version of "Hey Baby" because that's the shizznit. Then there are the girls who do the forbidden dance to every song (slow or not) and dedicate every song they sing to each other. Yeah, the first time we had to watch your little make-out show it was fine, but the act is getting old and no one thinks it's cute. Get over yourselves, girls.

In related news, being a cynic has it's privileges. We've convinced ourselves that since we're not exactly a couple and we don't do any of that cutesy crap, we're badass. Having said that, we've also established that we're dorks...But sometimes it's fun to be self-righteous.

Barely Breathing

Looks like my feminine charms aren't broken after all. Who knew? The karma gods have finally decided to smile on me and cut me a break in the dude department. I'm not holding my breath waiting for anything serious, but I'm really enjoying the time I spend with D and I'm taking what I can get. It's nice to feel content for once.

Shauna comes back tonight and we're going straight to the bar from the airport. Yeah baby yeah.

Weak

I couldn’t help it. He’s just too adorable and against everyone’s better judgement, I had to kiss him. D’oh. It was definitely a good idea at the time…

Aw. Yeah. Baby.

Who went out anyway and won $100 at Karaoke From Hell last night at Dante's? Yeah, that'd be me. WoooooooooooooooooooHoooooooooooooo!!!!!

Just To Clarify

I realized that I didn't exactly give any background to the first post of the day so I figured I'd better elaborate on the situation and get you people up to speed. My social circles are constantly morphing and, at the moment, the primary group revolves around the bar. It's from this group that Shauna found her new boyfriend (I've changed my attitude toward him and things are cool now) and I've been careful not to take anyone too seriously, mostly because when you spend as much time with people as I have with these folks, lines tend to blur and things get confused in my head. Inevitably, the best laid plans don't always work out as...planned. At this point, I should introduce the boy in question - bar regular, voice like an angel, super affectionate and absolutely adorable... a lonely soul who hasn't figured out that running around with whoever happens to be willing only leaves you with a lonlier, emptier feeling than you had before because you haven't made any kind of solid connection with anyone. Sadly, I can't tell him that because he'll have to figure it out on his own to actually get it. Anyway, on so many levels we're on the same page - we've even started finishing each other's sentences. I don't even know how it all happened, but it's completely ridiculous. As we all know, I wear my heart on my sleeve and rarely hold my tongue when there's a situation that's messing with my head, so at one point about two weeks ago I laid it out for him: I think he's great and adorable and it frustrates me that he's not serious about being in a relationship. Things have since then gotten more frustrating because of all the attention and blatant honesty about wanting to kiss me, thinking that I'm girlfriend material, not wanting to get serious with anyone right now, etc... To add to that, Friday and Saturday nights he stayed at my house, first night on the couch and the second night in my room(though I still haven't even kissed him), and by Sunday morning we were cuddled up and having the "one of us needs to get more serious or one of us needs to get less serious" talk. Guh. All of that led up to last night and my needing to get out of the bar before everyone else at the end of the night.

It's a damn good thing it's Monday and I stay home on Monday nights. I don't want to deal with any of that stuff today....it's just movies and laundry and that's it.

When I Left The Bar Last Night…

….and got in the car, the uninvited, unexpected tears started. I’d been careful to keep my distance and keep my eyes wide open but after yesterday morning, I guess I let my guard down and it came back to kick me in the ass. We’ve been honest with each other from the start so if I’m hurt, it’s my own fault. I know he’s not looking for anything serious and he knows I am. We're in agreement that one of us needs to change because there's some kind of a connection there and it would be silly to ignore that. It’s a constant topic of discussion and the reason I won’t even let him kiss me, though he’s made it perfectly clear he’d like to, given the chance... Guh. This is exactly what I didn’t want….a complicated mess of emotional crap. I wish I didn’t like the attention and I wish it didn’t hurt my feelings when I see him giving it to someone else.

Days Go By...

...and still I'm going out. I should really think about staying home once in awhile. You know, do laundry, run the dishwasher, etcetera etcetera..... This is just getting ridiculous.

School Of Rock

Since it was my day off and I had but one plan (taking Shauna to the airport), I figured I'd just see where the day takes me after getting breakfast with Trip. I dropped him off at home and then headed back to the house to wash the smoke from last night's party out of my hair. That done, I sat down on the couch, closed my eyes and tried to think of nothing. The first thing that popped into my head was going to a movie, so I headed over to the mall and caught School of Rock. For lack of a better phrase, it rocked. Jack Black is one funny dude and the kids are great. It was well worth the free movie pass I used on it. I was still in a movie watching mood after wandering around the mall when School of Rock was over, so I hit Blockbuster on the way home and got Dreamcatchers (I read the book and the director/screenwriter did a great job adapting it), X-Pax (I love Kevin Spacey) and some based-on-a-true-story vampire cult movie. Sweet. Oh yeah, the party last night was full of crazy drama - one of the owner's dad made a huge deal about me singing, which was awkward and uncomfortable, and at the end of the night, the same owner and Lara the KJ got into it over some earlier drama between a friend of his who was being a complete asshole to Lara. Good times. Can't wait to go down there tomorrow night and see how things panned out....

Just Got Paid, It's Friday Night...

...and I've got a three day weekend coming up. Yeah baby! Shauna is heading back down to LA for two weeks on Monday and we're going to that party Sunday night so since I had a personal day to take before December 10th, I figured it'd be good to sleep in on Monday and then take Shauna to the airport. I'm trying to get myself out of the grumpy love funk and a long weekend is sure to help. Plus, Mom and Dad are leaving for their month of cruising around Europe tomorrow and I'll get to hang out with them for lunch tomorrow during their 4 hour layover. So, I'm having a vision of good times this weekend and if anyone tries to mess that up, I'm going to be forced to kick them. Hard. Right in the junk.

Interesting...Provocative...Well-Seasoned?

Well, it was another thrilling night at the Boiler Room, complete with drama galore. Watching it all was more than entertaining but my night was made good by the brief but much appreciated appearance of Corey (he's such a sweetie...now we just have to figure out how to get rid of his girlfriend....nah, just kidding) and singing "Proud Mary" at the end of the night with Patrick. As usual, I got the joy and privelage of driving all the drunk people home and I expect the good karma genie to grant me those wishes I've earned any day now. I have to go back to the bar today because I think I accidentally left my glasses there and being able to see is always good. Also, Amy and Jason are back from their So Cal vacation and Amy agreed to be my date for the party on Sunday so I don't have to sit in the corner by myself and sing songs like "It's My Party" or "Creep".... sweet!

Make That I Rested...

I figured I'd succumb to the bar demon and go out last night even though I said I wasn't going to, but the decision was made for me when I found out that Shauna had invited someone I don't much care for (who, coincidentally, she's starting to get involved with...I can only hope it's a passing fancy and he's nothing more than the much needed rebound boy) and she didn't actually leave to go out until after 10pm. I opted out and got a full night's sleep. Tonight is round two of the sleep-a-thon and it's nice to be home just relaxing by myself (Shauna is out again with rebound boy). Strange but true, I'm waffling about whether I want to head down to the bar tomorrow night. As much as I try not to be cynical and bitter, lately I'm annoyed by publically affectionate couples and I don't think I could deal with seeing Shauna and rebound boy acting all lovey-dovey if the mood hits them. Yeah, I admit it, I'm jealous of all those squishy couples - not in an "I want your boyfriend" kind of way, but rather in an "I want that feeling" kind of way - and it sucks. The worst of it at the moment is this private semi-formal party at the bar on Sunday that Shauna and I got invites to and as far as I know everyone who's been invited has someone to bring as their "plus one" except me. Lovely. Guh, I'm going to bed... this is just depressing...

And On The Seventh Day They Rested

Since last Tuesday, Shauna and I have been at the bar every night. We’ve showed up around 9ish and closed it out every night. Between Tuesday morning and Friday after work, I’d gotten 8 hours of sleep total and still managed to stay out every night. I told myself I wasn’t going to go out again the next night when I got home every night. And then 8:30p rolled around and I looked at Shauna and she looked at me and we kinda shrugged, nodded toward the door and went out every night. Drinks have been drank, songs have been sung and sleep has been missed every night. Holy crap.

Today is Monday and Shauna has to work until 9pm. Monday is open-mic comedy night at the bar. We don't do comedy. Tonight, we rest.

Oh The Drama!

So, we're sitting there last night at the Boiler Room (yes, I know it was Tuesday and not the regular night....don't you worry, we're going back tonight) and we're talking and drinking our drinks and laughing and generally having a good time when all of a sudden, there's the sound of breaking glass and a large hole appears in the window behind the table where the kj sits. In a matter of about ten seconds, the entire male patronage of the bar sprinted out the doors and chased after the cracked out dude who'd just been 86'd from the place for being a jackass and felt like he needed to get some aggression out by putting his foot through a pane of glass. Needless to say, the music stopped and the people were stunned into silence for a few minutes as we all took in what had just happened. It was all so quick that when some of the boys from our table came back and said that the police had caught the guy and, because he was struggling to get away and resisting arrest, clubbed him before they took him down to the station, I didn't even know what exactly had happened, if anything, to provoke him. Once the story was sorted out by the bartender, the owner and the police officer who came in to take statements and see if they wanted to press charges, everyone started to breathe again and reassess the plan for the rest of the evening since karaoke there was obviously ruined. We hung out with the folks who work there for a bit and then decided we were hungry so we headed over to the Roxy and got breakfast (mmmm, french toast and bacon). Then decided we weren't tired so it sounded like a good idea at the time to go back to our house and play board games. The window kicker's crack must have rubbed off on us because we staying up all night. I haven't slept at all since 7am yesterday. And if you didn't catch it the first time around, I'm going out again tonight to see Captured By Robots and then sing at the bar. Have I mentioned that I'm going to court with my asst. manager tomorrow morning at 9am to learn the process for appearing on the company's behalf in an eviction case? Yeah, I'm insane. I know.