You Look So Fine And I Really Wanna Make You Mine...

For starters, I can't get enough of that Jet song "Are You Gonna Be My Girl"... If I had the album, it'd be on repeat right now.

It was warm enough all weekend to wear a skirt during the day and wander around Saturday market. On a whim, I went and asked the friend I have a crush on if he wanted to have lunch with me, for which I'm quite proud of myself because I'm usually a wuss about that stuff. After he went back to work, I went to see Hellboy with Jason and Arthur and shortly thereafter decided I need to become pyrokinetic so I could have blue flame come out of my fingers... Jason quickly convinced me that it might be dangerous and I should just forget it. So I went home to change into warmer clothes and headed back downtown to meet up at the bar for the new Saturday night XV field trip with some of the girls. We decided the week before that we'd make it a regular Saturday thing and it's been nice to go somewhere other than the bar for awhile.

I got home Sunday around 1pm (crashed on Brad and Clarissa's couch at 5:30am...d'oh.) and decided it was going to be a "lay around and do as little as possible" day so I soaked in the tub for awhile and then put a towel on my wet hair, a robe on my body, a mud mask on my face, some cheese, salami and crackers on a plate and parked it on the couch to watch Buffy reruns. So nice! I eventually got motivated to get dressed and head down to the bar with my roommate, but didn't stay too late because I felt like I must have gotten a little bit of sun on my cheeks the day before and my eyes were bothering me... fun crowd there Sunday night, though.

I stayed home last night, which has become the trend since Darryl and I stopped seeing each other, and watched Fear Factor and part of the Average Joe finale. I can't figure out why all those girls were so interested in Adam.... I'm sure he's a good guy but after watching the show for about 45 minutes, I was already bored and didn't find him the least bit attractive. Gawd, maybe that attitude is exactly why I'm still single...

You Give Love A Bad Name...Yes, I Do Mean You.

I don't even know why I'm awake right now. I haven't been sleeping well again for the past few nights and I don't have a good reason why. Could just be that I'm needing less and less sleep. I don't like that reason, though...I like sleeping all day.

Last night, I spent most of the evening being quiet and watching people and listening to conversations around me (like I used to before I started to get to know everyone who works and hangs out at the bar) and I was reminded of why I didn't talk much in the first place. I really don't like most people. Seriously. And the only reason most people like me is because I listen while they do all the talking. Most people find themselves far more interesting than I will ever be and it's far less effort to just sit and be quiet than to compete for attention. When I'm in a funk, that's about all the energy I can muster for social interaction. I've gotta save the rest of it up for my 3 1/2 minutes of time in the spotlight while I sing Bon Jovi. Outside of that 3.5 minutes, I really wasn't feeling the love. In fact, aside from my chat with Jordan, I could have been invisible.

Once A Fool, Always A Fool

The truth is....I miss you.

No Rest For The Wicked

I fell asleep on the couch around 6:30 yesterday and didn't wake up until almost 9...at which point, I went into my room and crawled into bed. Next thing I know, it's 3am and I'm wide awake, tossing and turning and just not able to get comfortable. Usually when I can't sleep, I take a hot bath or shower and then go back to bed. So I did. I managed to fall back to sleep, but kept waking up every hour or so until my alarm went off at 7:45. This is why I should not take naps....or think.

The weekend was good...weird at times (Friday night), but good overall. Tonight may be a Dante's night.

Old Crush Revisited

Ah, crushes. Crushes have gone both ways for me: awful, gut-wrenching pipe dreams and sweet, mutual attractions that turn into something great. I'm hoping this one turns out to be the latter because we're already friends. I have always said it's far better (for me, at least) to be friends with someone before you get into a relationship with them, partly because the relationship will then have a solid base and partly because if it doesn't work out and you're actually friends, things can end amicably. I just know that it's nice to be interested in someone nice for a change. I'm sick of being treated like I'm not worth the effort.

Whisper In My Ear

"I wish I could make things better, I really do..." It doesn't make any sense, but I believe him.

Stupid, Stupid, Stupid

I need new clothes for spring. It's getting too warm in this office to keep wearing two layers. This skirt is bugging the hell out of me and the knee socks I have on under it keep sliding down. Grrr...

I'm staying home tonight and hopefully watching a movie. Any distraction will do at this point. I also have to go grocery shopping tonight. I'm getting sick of tuna and cottage cheese. I'm getting sick of a lot of things, actually. Maybe I'm just getting sick.

I need a hair cut. I need a date. I need to see that zombie movie. I need to finish decorating our apartment. I need a vacation.

Eternal Sunshine Vetoed Dawn Of The Dead

So instead of seeing the zombie flick, Nikki and I opted for the new Jim Carrey/Kate Winslet movie. We both agreed that no matter how heinous anyone was to us, we would never want to delete them from our memories. Interesting story lines, casting for the secondary characters was a little off, but it was all around a good movie. Also, I wish I had a job where I could dress and have hair like Kate Winslet's character because if I did, I so would...

Sushi, The Law, and Zombies

Last night, my whole office went to the Portland City Grill for dinner (paid for by the company for acheiving a goal set about a month ago) and between drinks, sushi and a vanilla bean creme brulee for dessert, I felt like I made the most of the company's money. Good food and drinks are always nice, but free good food and drinks are awesome.

I went straight from the restaurant to the bar, meaning I still had a black suit on from work, and Brad says, "So you're a lawyer now?" to which I responded, "Yes, yes I am." Later he asked if he could talk to me seriously for a sec and proceeds to make up a story about how he needs representation and he did, in fact, do it, but could I get him off.... I said he may not know it, but I've never been defeated in court and since I've watched a lot of Law & Order, I'm pretty confident in my litigation abilities. As I was leaving, after singing my new favorite Bon Jovi song, I told Brad I had to go research a case down at the law library but I'd probably come by after I was done today. Remind me not to go straight from work to the bar again.

Now I'm off to see Dawn Of The Dead... gotta love zombie movies.

Boys Are Mean.

I could write volumes on this topic but that would be a waste of time and wouldn't change anything. Suffice it to say that being mean to nice girls like me will eventually come back and bite you in the ass (and I don't mean in a fun, playful way).

My Thumb Hurts, My Head Hurts, And My Heart Hurts. Great.

I guess I'm going out tonight. If you see me, hug me or kiss me...I need it.

And Now For Something Completely Different...

Tonight is the first night in about two weeks that I'm staying home. It's not even 8 and already I'm remembering why I go out all the time. I haven't felt much like being alone lately. When I am, I end up thinking about ridiculous things like how much I miss just cuddling up on the couch with someone and watching a movie together. I'm happy enough on my own. I'm independent and don't need to be with anyone. The thing is, I want to be... I miss having a best friend. I miss holding hands. I miss being kissed just before I fall asleep. I miss all of it. So, it's become clear to me that I go out all the time so I don't have to think about it. I can pretend I'm untouchable and don't care about anything if I drink enough and sing enough and listen to people's stories and laugh even when I don't feel like laughing. Here, at home, it's quiet and all I hear is my own annoying head voice reminding me that I'm alone and there's nothing loud enough in this room to drown it out.

While We're On The Topic Of Food...

I've been eating meat like there's no tomorrow. Can't get enough bacon, I've been craving beef jerky, and bbq chicken sounds so tasty right now. We don't have anywhere to bbq, but Lara has a George Foreman grill and come Friday when I get paid again, I'm coming home from work and going straight to Freddy's to get a flank steak. I'm not sure what the hell happened to me but the next time my folks come up, I'm suggesting that we go to Morton's for dinner.

I've also been wanting to cook more, which is crazy since our kitchen is so small. I want to make stir-fry and steamed rice and grill some fish and I need to stop now because I'm making myself really hungry and none of that stuff is here to make. Sonofa...

I'm In Avocado Heaven.

Just came back from the store with two ripe avocados and oh my gawd are they good. Any fruit or vegetable that you can just cut in half and scoop out with a spoon rules. Jesus, I'm lazy.

It's Like I'm Not Even Myself

If I could find a way to bottle up and save the way I feel when I'm singing at the bar for whenever I feel like I do right now, I'd be a whole lot happier. And I'd be rich 'cause I'd sell that shit on the black market and make millions.

The last few days have been interesting...ok, maybe not to you, but they have been for me. Out of 30ish people, I was the only one who got hurt bowling on Thursday (happens everytime...freaky thumbnail injury...stupid, really), I had my annual review at work on Friday and got a raise with a promise from my boss that she'd go to bat for me with the regional manager for a more substantial pay scale increase and title change, I tried Cold Stone ice cream yesterday (coffee and cake batter ice cream with carmel and marshmellow swirled in...tasty!) and then took a three hour nap on the couch before heading down to the bar and finally, some random guy named Jay approached me while I was waiting for the bus to go home, told me I looked sad and asked if someone had said or done something to me to make me upset... when I said I was fine, he said he hoped so because I'm too pretty for anyone to treat me bad. Guh. I can't even explain how happy I was to get home, close my door and crawl into bed last night.

It's shower time.

Lunch Time Poll

Ok, say you have 24 hours until the world comes to an end and you win a million dollars, what do you do with your last 24 hours? Wait, no, that's the poll from the movie "Heathers." OK, how about this: If you could only listen to one mixed cd for the rest of your life, what 10 bands and songs would be on it? Make your decisions carefully, people...this is for the yearbook.

Cream Cheese Makes Everything Better...Well, Almost Everything.

I was out of mayo for my tuna salad yesterday so I used cream cheese instead and it's SOOO good! It's totally cream cheese for me from now on. Tasty!

Can't decide if I want to stay home tonight and watch a movie or go out again. I've been out every night for a week and I'm still having fun but if I'm feeling like I do now (read: ferocious cramps), maybe it's better if I stay home. I'm begging and pleading for the Aleve I took awhile ago to last for a few hours once it kicks in. I can honestly say I'd prefer being woken up at 4am by most anything other than cramps. You guys have no idea what you're missing and you should be happy to keep it that way.

What Price For Clean Clothes?

Went to do laundry up the street with my roommate yesterday and while the washers were running, we decided to walk down to Fred Meyer to pick up dryer sheets and a new laundry bag. When we got back, all of our stuff was done except one load of my clothes....which was still running the pre-wash cycle and hadn't made any progress at all. This place has both top loading and front loading washers and I had enough laundry to need four machines, so I used two of each. The front loading machines require that you lock your clothes in before it will start. Needless to say, once you start the load, you can't unlock the door without a key. So, basically, the machine was holding my clothes hostage and giving them the old water torture treatment. My Superman pajamas were not happy. About 1/2 hour after I called the guy who runs the place, he showed up and couldn't seem to get the door to open....didn't have the right key or something. D'oh. Finally, he took the whole front panel off and disengaged the door with a screwdriver. I moved my soaked clothes to a top loading (and non-locking) washer and he gave me my $1.25 back to run the other machine. When I went to move the clothes around to the other side of the room where the top loaders were, he asked if I just wanted to move the clothes into the front loader next to the one he took apart. Yeah, right. No way, dude. Your machines have tortured my clothes enough, thankyouverymuch. Top loading washers only from now on. I can't wait until they put a washer and dryer into our building.

Heading out to see Luke's new house and do the baby shower thing tonight. Not sure how I'm getting there yet, but it'll be nice to see everyone outside of the usual hangout. Also, I'm back to work today after a five day hiatus. I've realized in the last few days how much I like waking up when I'm done sleeping as opposed to waking up to an alarm. Other than that, the day is going well and I was apparently missed here. When I got in this morning, my bosses both bowed down before me and did the whole thank-god-you're-back thing. Cracked me up but made me feel pretty good... I didn't want to bring it up this morning, but when I'm gone for two weeks in September, they're gonna hate it. Ha.

I Want A Donut

After getting up this morning and putting our living room back in order, I came back into my room to write a post for the day but ended up sorting things out via instant messenger with D. After tonight at the bar, I think things are better and this makes me happy. However, now I want an apple fritter. Damn it.

About Last Night

So many things I want to say about last night...but, in the interest of time, I'll save the unkind words for later and just mention the good stuff first. The dress was good, the presents were great, and I was happy to have my family there. My sister cracked me up all night and near the end of the evening, we finally got her up to sing with me. The cherry crunch my mom made went over really well with the party people and there was even some left over for me to have later today. All in all, it was a good birthday.

If I could have changed one thing about last night it would be that D would have just come over and said hi and sat with us, at least for a little while. I didn't know that when he took away the non-relationship, he'd also take away the friendship. I'm so tired of being unsure how to act or what to say or not say. I just want my friend back. If that's not going to happen, then I need to stop going to the bar because this is making me sick.

Go Go Go Me, It's My Birthday

In two hours, my parents and sister will be here to take me out and about for the day. We're going to Todai for dinner, coming back here so I can change into the kickass dress I bought for tonight and then it's off the the bar for yet another night of singing and drinking. Yay!

I'd like to add a digital camera to my birthday wish list, but I'm afraid it's probably too late and I've already got the three of the seven things on the list spoken for, so I'm not holding my breath for anything else. In case you're wondering, I did not get a Vespa, dresser, messenger bag or cute boy. I'm not expecting the first three and there's only one boy I would want to make out with, but he's otherwise occupied this evening, so I'm taking that option for gift giving off the list. Also, my boss did in fact give me a bottle of tequila from her trip to Mexico for my birthday. That is damn cool.

Ok, back to watching tv...I mean HBO.

To Wish Impossible Things...

I may have mentioned this before but my birthday is a mere 25.5 hours away and the following is my birthday wish list:

1. A sparkly pink Vespa w/a matching helmet.
2. A tall red dresser from IKEA.
3. The green and black messenger bag I saw in the window of Greg's about a week ago.
4. Mixed cds made by friends.
5. Songs picked and sung special for me at my birthday party Wednesday night.
6. A cute boy who likes me to make out with after my birthday party Wednesday night.
7. Not to wake up hungover after my birthday party Wednesday night.

Addiction Is A Bitch

So, now that I'm wide awake at 1:37 in the morning, I want to watch the rest of the first season of Carnivale but can't because I don't have it. This makes me sad. Yes, I'm talking to you.

Can't Sleep

Tonight was weird. I was hanging out for most of the night with some friends at the bar, one of whom's twin brother was in town for the weekend and was cracking me up, and as soon as they left, I walked over to get another beer and got into a conversation with the British guy, who a few minutes later asked me if I wanted to have sex with him. Of course, I said no....actually what I said was, "Um, no...I'm not the kind of girl that goes home with boys like you." I'd seen two very friendly girls talking him up not five minutes before and was kinda of surprised he didn't leave with them. When I asked how it worked that he'd pass up a two-for-the-price-of-one deal but wanted to sleep with me, the explaination I got was that there are lots of girls he "could" have sex with, but there are only certain girls he "wants" to have sex with... evidently, I fall into the latter category. That's great. Go me.

All I can say is this is proof that I don't just hook up with random people.

He Should Have Just Left My Shit At The Bar.

Guh. After being treated like I'm invisible for the last couple of weeks, a hollow attempt at acting like he gives a shit means nothing to me. In fact, it made me feel horrible. I just don't understand what I did to deserve this.

Just Don't know What To Do With Myself

I decided to be responsible and stay home tonight. I'm drinking lemon tea and going to bed early. I stayed in bed most of the day, watched the first three episodes of Carnivale, and got up only to make food for myself and take a shower when I finally couldn't stand laying here anymore. Obviously, I can take care of myself but when I'm sick, I wish I didn't have to...

Down With The Sickness

I was in denial about the scratchy throat yesterday during my training class and sort of blaming the smoke at the bar last night but this morning when my alarm went off, I felt like shit and called in sick. Guh. Listerine for the throat, Nyquil for everything else and a hot bath to steam the hell out of my sinuses are all on the agenda today. I have to go to work tomorrow because the folks who weren't in the class with me Monday and Tuesday are going on Thursday and Friday and the only other people who'll be in the office are still fairly new. This sucks. And I'm supposed to go to the bar tonight to pick up the shirts Shauna borrowed once upon a time, but all I really want to do is lay here and not be sick tomorrow.

Chinese Food, Reality TV and My Birthday Festivities

Seven Stars. Sweet and sour chicken, spring rolls, steamed rice. Hell yeah.

Got home tonight after hanging out with Shauna around 9:30ish, just in time to watch the last half of the tv show about the obnoxious fiancee. That was good stuff. I don't watch a whole lot of tv but for some reason, stuff like that sucks me in. Same deal with Fear Factor. I'd be on that show in a heartbeat. I don't know what it is about the prospect of doing mildly dangerous and potentially disgusting stuff that gets me going, but I love the idea of doing the challenges on that show. I don't get freaked out about random creatures crawling on me, heights, water, eating sick stuff, falling off of anything wearing a harness or anything else they've done on that show. Wait, I take that back... they did a naked models on a runway thing and I wouldn't do that, but everything else I'd do for 50 grand. So sign me up...

In other news, my birthday is next week and you have plenty of options available to you for celebrating the day I was born. First there's the pre-birthday Hawthorne bar crawl on Tuesday, March 2nd. If you're interested in hopping the bars from Imbibe up to the Space Room with us, let me know and I'll give you the details. I'm guessing we'll stop in here at the casa for a shot of tequila, courtesy of my boss who is currently in Mexico and will be bringing me back a bottle, so if you haven't stopped by our apartment to say hi and check it out, come on up. Then there's my actual birthday on Wednesday, March 3rd. We're heading down to the Boiler Room around 9ish, people are encouraged to dress up and the party will go on until I say when....probably right around the time the bar closes or I pass out, whichever comes first. I'll be sleeping late the rest of the week (I took my birthday and the following two days off for a five day weekend) and out all of the following nights, so don't laugh when I collapse on Sunday. Weee!

Remind Me Not To Do That Again

I looked at myself in the mirror before we left the house last night and, for the tenth time, almost went back into my room and changed. I'd decided to test my roomie's philosophy of dolling up the exterior to adjust the attitude of the interior... also known as looking hot when you feel like shit. Overall, my outfit wasn't anything different than what I normally wear: long black skirt, black boots, black t-shirt and a pink sweater. The only difference was the t-shirt's plunging neckline that showed off my "charm and charisma." At this point, I'd like to remind people that I am, in fact, a girl. Honestly, people, they're just boobs. Who cares. Anyway, needless to say, I knew somebody was going to say something and I was fine with that. In fact, I wanted the compliments...I wanted to hear that I looked good and attractive and feminine. What I didn't expect was the very uncomfortable feeling that came along with the comments from people I didn't even know. I remembered about ten minutes after I walked into the bar why I don't wear stuff like that very often. I felt like the normal, nice girl I usually am had become the subject of a science experiment gone awry and all that was left of me was a giant walking set of tits. And while I sat on the window ledge talking to Brad and Lara, it struck me why I was uncomfortable: even now, two years after I lost all that weight, I'm mentally still in fat girl mode. I still hear that voice on the phone from 3 years back saying, "You're really nice and I think you're cool, but I'm not into big girls." I still remember the day that I overheard a friend of a friend saying, "She's got a pretty face...if she wasn't a fat chick, I'd totally do her."

I dunno. All I can say is that it'll probably be awhile before I let "the girls" out again in public. I guess I'm not a big fan of being "treated like a girl."

I Don't Want To Be Me Today

All the questions and phone calls and responsibilities that have been forced on me are making my head ache. I have money again and I'm going to the bar early tonight. But the first thing I want to do when I leave this place is step into a hot shower and wash away everything that makes my eyes burn and head hurt and that probably includes you. I want to feel something other than ugly and stepped on and taken for granted. I don't care today if you love me or not. Today my heart aches for all that it's given and not gotten in return. Today I want to be given what I never expect. I want to be kissed because I'm nice, not in spite of the fact. I want a fucking moment.

I Spent Last Night Dreaming Of Your Eyes...

*Harry Connick, Jr. has the sweetest voice...I love "Dream Of You"*

Things are coming together nicely at casa de Lara and Tiff...just got the crap I had left in boxes in the living room up into the storage cabinets last night and it made a big difference as far as walking space goes. With the exception of a dresser to put my clothes in, I've got my room all organized. The only thing left to do in there at this point is put up the pictures and stuff on the walls. It amazes me how much I can get done if I just go to it right when I get home from work and don't slip out of work mode.

I get my commission check tomorrow and hopefully my taxes will get deposited then too, so I'll be able to go out tomorrow night guilt-free. I can't wait until next month when I go back to getting my whole paycheck every two weeks and don't have to stress out about going out and whether or not I'll have enough money to get to and from work. Ooh, and shopping...I haven't been shopping in ages. Guh. I hate not having money.

In other news, I think I'm getting two free tickets to the Blazer game this Saturday night and dinner passes to the restaurant at the Rose Garden. Dunno what the hell I'm going to do with the other ticket, but I'm excited about seeing the game...

Last Night, She Said, "Oh Baby I Feel So Down..."

I swear to god, one day I will stop giving a shit about people. Ok, I know, that's total crap. I'm never going to stop caring. I've heard a million times that I'm too nice...so what if I'm nice? I'll keep being nice and keep caring and I'm not changing that for anyone. I'll keep trying to get to know and understand people because I do give a damn. Got a problem with that? No? I didn't think so. Punk.

Going For Broke

Last night was really nice....Guy called and came over to see the new place and took me for pizza downstairs just to catch up and hang for a bit. What a sweetie. If he picks up and moves out of the state like he's thinking about doing, I'll miss him...

After he took off, I ran a hot bath and I can not even begin to explain how needed that was. Once I was good and pruny, I put on my Superman pajamas, crawled into bed and read for awhile before I fell asleep. It was good to have some time to myself. I have to say, I love living with Lara....I have a great time with her when we do hang out, but we both have our own stuff going on so we get time to ourselves. I love that.

Today, I get to sort through some more books and see what I'm willing to give up to Powell's for some extra cash. I know I mentioned this before, but I'm ridiculously broke until Friday, so hopefully I'll be able to get enough cash to allow me to eat and socialize for the next few days. It wouldn't hurt me to clean out my closet either, just to see if there's anything the Red Light or Buffalo Exchange will take. Having all of those places so close makes my life sooo much easier.

One way or another, I'm gonna be at the bar for a bit tonight. Woo.

Never Thought I'd Say I Like Mondays

For the last two months, I haven't been going out on Monday nights. It's pretty much become the only night I don't go out and it's been nice to just curl up on the couch in pajamas and watch tv or a movie and relax. Plus, I'm broke this week anyway, so I'll be hanging out at home and I'm not opposed to company.

In retrospect, I realize I actually had an overall good weekend. Saturday I slept in, got my hair cut, got a slice of pizza at the Oasis Cafe, went and saw 50 First Dates with Jason and Nikki, hung out with Jason at my place and watched Breakin' until we headed down to the bar, apparently sang well, got to hang out with most of the people I care about and finally crashed at 4am. If you make a list of the good things that happened, it's hard to be grumpy about Valentine's Day. On Sunday, Lara and I hauled our clothes to the laundrymat up the street and had lunch at No Fish, Go Fish while we waited for our wash to be done. When we got back to the apartment, I tackled the huge pile of clothes that had taken over my bedroom floor and got organized. By the time I was done, I had enough time to check my e-mail and put on a sweater before we headed down to the bar. I was wiped out so I only stayed until midnight, which was just long enough to sing a couple songs, chat with Dan and catch my bus home. I started to fall asleep the minute the bus started moving... and I dreamed about standing at the end of the bar on Saturday night, looking up from my drink into blue eyes and a grin... then my stop was called and I stepped off the bus. Two minutes later, I was asleep in my bed. Definitely a good weekend.

Mercy Kiss

There are moments when my world feels very surreal. Last night, I had many of those moments. I think it boiled down to an external stimulus overload...too much input all at once, coming at me from all sides. Everywhere I looked, I felt pressure to be something or feel something or....something. Some nights I could chalk that up to alcohol, but that wasn't the case last night. Things were just weird.

Also, I wanted to make out last night and I didn't get to, so that was kinda sucky. Just saying.

Who Loves Ya, Baby?

It's Valentine's Day. If at all possible, you should make out today. In fact, you should make out everyday, but especially today. Because the chances of me getting to make out today are slim. Not non-existent, mind you, but slim. So go out into the world and find someone who makes you say, "Oh god" or "How do you do that when I'm not expecting it?" and get yourself some action.

Karma.

Suffice it to say that yesterday was a good day from beginning to end.

And It Wasn't Even My Birthday...

After taking 1/2 a vicodin earlier in the day and then another 1/2 when I got home from work, I still felt like someone had scraped my insides with a coat hanger. I took two Aleve before we left for the bar and reminded myself not to drink any alcohol when we got there. It was a slow Tuesday, mostly just regulars and two small groups of random people who danced to almost every song we sang. By the time everything I'd taken finally kicked in, I'd had two glasses of water, said very little to anyone and finally felt no pain. In fact, by that point, I felt nothing. Yesterday's decision to go back to hiding in the corner and not talking proved to be a force of nature rather than a choice as I was having difficulty focusing on any one thing all night. I hated being so scatter-brained but everytime I opened my mouth to say something, the words came out sloppy and felt foreign. At one point, I actually said to Lara, "I'm remembering you to drink more water" instead of what I meant to say, "I'm reminding you..." I had more than one person ask me how the water I'd been drinking all night was treating me and did I want a beer or something. When I responded with, "I can't...I took some Vicodin earlier and it wouldn't be a good idea," the looks I got made me a little uncomfortable and I wasn't in the mood to explain why I'd had to take the stupid pills in the first place. "Yeah, that's it," I thought, "I'm a Vicodin addict and I'm finally so cracked out that I'm just blurting it out....god, you people don't know me at all." In retrospect, I know that the questions were asked out of concern for my well-being and I'm just glad that I chose not to talk about it rather than vocalize my defensive thoughts.

Today, I'm better but not great. I'm sticking to Aleve for the next two days and if I'm good about remembering to take them before the previous ones wear off, I'll be fine by tomorrow. Tonight, I sing.

Go, Go, Go Shorty...

It's my new roomie's birthday today, so come on down to the Boiler Room tonight and sing her a song and buy her a drink. The party people will be there, so just do it.

It was really nice to stay in last night with Lara and Jason. I've missed veging on the couch in front of the tv and I needed the break from drinking and the bar. Ok, I actually needed a break from the stupid drama at the bar. People just need to relax and, to quote the Beastie Boys, "Let it flow, let yourself go, slow and low, that is the tempo." Yes, that includes me. I know, ok. A kiss is just a kiss....blah, blah, blah. If I just go back to hiding in the corner, not talking to anyone, that would probably be the best thing for everyone.

For Future Reference

I don't remember the first time someone I know told me they read this thing, but for as many times as it's happened since, it still surprises me. Two years into it, I write knowing that people will read it but the only reason I started this thing in the first place was to keep me honest with myself. I know that if people want to come looking for it, it's easy to find (Google search me or find me on Friendster). And, obviously, I have nothing to hide or I wouldn't write my life out for the world to read. The only messed up part about blogging is the potential for someone to read what I write and assume that I feel the way I did when I wrote a particular post all the time. If I go back and read a few months worth of entries, I know I don't come off as the happiest of girls. I write myself as constantly lovelorn and forever self-deprecating. It's true that I'm easily hurt, wear my heart on my sleeve and have mildly retarded tendencies, but in general, I'm ok. I get over being hurt, my heart mends itself over and over and I've actually graduated to driver of the short bus. So I worry sometimes that the sarcasm behind most of what I write doesn't always come through and, while I know that in any sarcastic comment there's an underlying honesty that anyone who knows me would pick up on, the overall perception of my character is only a snapshot of who I actually am.

I'm not really getting to the point of why I started writing this post...rambling is par for the course when I actually have to be serious and come out from behind the cover of jokes and sarcasm. So, just to make a few things crystal clear, I'll get right to it. The following are for those of you who've made assumptions based on what I've written as opposed to what I've said, so pay attention:

1. I am not currently, nor have I ever been, in love with anyone. Smitten? Sure. Crushing on? Absolutely. In love? Sorry, but no.

2. I freely admit when I am hurt and when I am not. If I say I'm over something, then I am, so let it go. I'm stronger emotionally than you give me credit for and if I cry, just know that it's out of frustration rather than hurt.

3. I need you to know that the walls I've built around myself are extremely high. I don't trust 99% of the people I meet, so if I've let you in, it was a choice not a random stupid coincidence. I made a choice to let you get close to me and, as with anyone I don't know very well, I made the choice based on faith....I see qualities in people that make me believe they deserve a chance and if I turn out to be wrong, then so be it. At this point, I deserve that same chance.

4. No matter what, I will always tell the truth. I will not sugar-coat things to spare your feelings because I am a good friend and I expect the same from you.

5. If you know me in the real world and are reading this, chances are pretty high that I care about you and want you to be happy. If I can do something to make that happen, I will.

If there's anything more that needs clarification, ask me. Like I said from the beginning, I have nothing to hide.

Don't Leave Me Hanging On The Telephone

First off, Blondie rules. 'Nuff said.

After work yesterday, I called him and asked what he was up to and wanted to know if he felt like getting a drink with me before going out for the night. He said he was staying home and having dinner with an old friend, but would see me this weekend. So I went home and decided to stop in at the pizza place below my apartment to grab a slice before heading down to Freddy's for shampoo and other miscellaneous house stuff. Joe was there and hooked me up with free pizza, which was totally unnecessary and very nice, and then asked if I wanted to get a beer with him after he got off work. I told him just to buzz me when he was done and we could go get a Ruby at the Bagdad across the street. Neither of us really felt like hitting the Boiler Room so it was kind of nice to stay in the 'hood and not have to worry about when the bus was leaving to get home, etc. He knows the bartender there so our beers were free (another unnecessary but very nice gesture), we had a good time talking and bitching to each other about the stupid crap we deal with and, as we were both tired, we bailed just before midnight.

Tonight, I am going to the BR. I will flirt unabashedly and damn the consequences. I will sing, drink and be merry. I will say exactly what's on my mind and I will not be "that girl." Watch me....it might be entertaining.

My Milkshake Is Better Than Yours

I woke up this morning with hair and skin that still smelled like a smoke-filled bar. I could never date a smoker because the idea of waking up next to someone who smelled like that all the time makes me ill. In fact, when I find out that someone smokes, they become infinitely less attractive. Strangely, the smoke doesn't deter me from going to the bar most nights. And that's all I have to say about that.

This morning, yet another cool thing about living where I now live happened: I walked out my front door as the bus pulled up and stepped right on. That ruled.

Tonight, I unpack some more of my crap and then head out again. The last two nights have been fun and I'm hoping the trend will continue. I need the trend to continue.

I'm In Love With A Clawfoot Tub

I'm exhausted. I still have so much to unpack and find a place for that the light at the end of the tunnel is currently blocked out by cardboard boxes. The bruises are still coming up and changing colors and the ankle I twisted on Saturday is still a little tender. When I got home last night, I spent the first hour and a half getting books out of boxes and onto shelves, trying to separate clean clothes from dirty ones and organizing food in the limited kitchen space. By 8pm, I wanted to collapse and decided to break in the newly refinished clawfoot bathtub. Oh My Gawd. After 1/2 hour in the hot water with a fizzy ball filled with bath salts, jasmine and who knows what else, my muscle aches had eased some and I was ready to pass out. I slept like dead and getting up this morning was hellacious. Everything I'd managed to relax last night was tense again this morning and I'm just ready for all of this moving stuff to be done.

Also, I talked to Lara last night and she's going to move in this coming weekend instead of later in the month. I'm actually glad it's sooner than later because the chaos in the apartment will be over and done with before my birthday (which is one month from today, if anyone cares). I want to start my 30th year on the planet with as little stress and drama as possible. At least as far as my living situation is concerned.

Socially, the drama seems to seek me out with the intent to destroy. I mind my own business and try to be nice to most everyone. It still finds me, drags me kicking and screaming into the waves and sucks me under until I can't breathe. The current situation is frustrating as hell (shocking, I know) because I can't do anything to change it. Girl likes boy, boy likes girl, other girl likes boy and boy knows it and doesn't want to hurt other girl's feelings because they're good friends, boy is torn and therefore boy and girl are at an impass, girl is saddened and frustrated. Tune in tomorrow for another episode of Stupid Soap Opera Central.

Back From The Hell That Is Moving

The moving of stuff is done and now all I have to do is organize my crap. This is something I'm both dreading and looking forward to finishing. I feel like I've been beaten and look like it too with all the bruises I'm sporting from the weekend. On top of that, I made an ass out of myself Friday night at the bar (I'm too damn nice and the thought of something I do or did making someone I like feel bad had me upset to the point of tears....more on that later as the situation is frustrating as hell) and witnessed a homeless man getting beat up by two guys while waiting for the bus last night and had to call the cops... Guh. Too much stuff going on and not enough love. Where's the love, dammit!?

Phone and cable are being set up at the new place this Friday so no access to the 'net until then except during my lunch break at work. Bleh.

Don't Believe The Hype...Butterflies And Booze Are Not Confidence Builders

...Why can't things just be easy? Why do I insist on being retarded around people to whom I'm attracted? Why can't I think about anything other than kissing him again? What's so damn great about making out anyway? Ok, that last one was sarcastic, but I have a date tomorrow night and I'm nervous. I'm never nervous. I don't get intimidated and I don't scare off easily but this one makes me nervous. This is ridiculous.

It's A Whole New Ballgame...

Last night, as I sat half in my bed and half on it with my just washed hair wrapped up in a towel, thinking about all the things I had to get done in the next few days and wanting to ignore it all for a little while longer to let Saturday replay in my head one more time, the phone rang. And it was him. At that moment, no one else could have made me smile the way he did by just letting me know he was thinking about me... we talked for a little over 1/2 hour and later I slept a still and dreamless sleep. It never ceases to amaze me how I can ride the high from one single moment for days.

When I Don't Know What To Do, I Do The Unexpected.

Saturday night and Sunday morning, I felt wanted and appreciated more than I have in the past three months. Today, that has me torn between happy and sad. Remind me not to stop trusting new people just because the people I already know give me a million reasons not to trust anyone.

Movin' On Up

Well, it's pretty much done except for signing the paperwork and the actual moving of stuff. I'll be living in the heart of the Hawthorne district above a pizza place and a little boutique, across the street from the Bagdad Theater. How rad is that? I'm excited, but not looking forward to packing everything up and trucking it over the the new place next weekend. My folks are going to come up and help me pack, so that'll make things easier, but there's no elevator in the new place and the stairs are going to break my will to live. Ah well, that's the price I'm willing to pay for a cool place in a cool location. Actually, $595 is the price I'm willing to pay, but that's damn cheap.

This weekend will be spent doing laundry and getting things somewhat organized before my folks come up. I want this move to be as easy as possible. Also, there will be a little bit of new apartment celebrating this weekend, so if you're reading this and you're in the area, come on down to the Boiler Room and buy me a drink. Woo!

Frickin', Frickin', Frickin'...

So, I go home last night and try to dial into the internet and what happens? Nothing. The modem isn't getting a dial tone. Huh. Interesting. So I call my roommate and ask her if anyone had disconnected the phone and maybe just forgotten to tell me and she said not as far as she knew. After checking out the latest phone bill, it turns out it's three payments behind and therefore has been shut off. That's just great. Who knows where the money I gave her for my half of the bills went, but apparently the phone company didn't get it. So, now I can't get online at home until I move to a new place. *sigh* Fantastic. Also, I never got a call on Monday about going out that night, so it didn't happen. It wasn't a solid plan so it's no big deal, but I just wish people would call when they say they will. I don't think that's asking too much.

On a lighter note, there's talk about living with Lara instead of Owen. He's still up in the air about his relationship with his ex and Lara is for sure needing a roommate so the idea has been thrown out there for discussion. Owen's has already said go for it, I'm going to talk to her more about it tonight, and hopefully she can come look at the place I want to move into on Hawthorne tomorrow. If this works out, I'll have to figure out how to pay rent there by myself until she can move in March. Please, please, please make this work. I just want to be settled somewhere before my birthday. I want to start my 30th year in a good physical and mental space, so please let this work.

Sweeeeeet!!

Go here and make movies about me. Do it. You know you want to.

Move Aside And Let The Man Go Through

After talking on the phone for over an hour last night, I think I might have a date tonight. Dude....crazy.

Potentially Embarrassing Confessions

~I like the smell of gasoline.

~I think Matthew Lawrence is totally hot. (the middle Lawrence brother...whoa.)

~I have enough underwear that I can go 6 weeks without doing laundry.

~I like Disney movies. A lot.

~The thought of giving birth freaks me out.

~When I look in the mirror, 90% of the time I still feel like I look the same as I did before I lost 70 lbs.

~I will be 30 in 45 days and I still shop at Hot Topic.

You Win!

Hey you....yeah, you...over there at Scam City....you were the 10,000th visitor here....nice one, dude.

Got to hang out with Guy last night at the bar. Seriously, that dude cracks me up. He brought a friend he's known since they were 5 and she was very cool so the night went well. Didn't get home until just after 5:30am so I didn't even get up until an hour and a half ago. Yay for sleep! I'm off to Powell's to sell some books and see what Joe's plans for the night after he's done with work are...wish me luck.

Keep It On And On

The last two days have been filled with the usual mix of ups and downs... phone numbers were finally exchanged (woo!), I got to see Brad do his thing at the Viscount last night, I came home from work to the minor chaos of things being moved and rearranged, I'm having to get used to someone other than Shauna being there when I'm not (which I can already see is not going to be fun), and my social skills when it comes to talking to strangers are back. Today I have to call Owen and see if he's got time to look at apartments with me tomorrow. I foresee good things happening this weekend and, as usual, they are going to be the result of an attitude adjustment on my part. The chameleon is back.

Shake It Like A Polaroid Picture

Those Outkast guys really know how to break it down for me: "If what they say is: 'Nothing is forever.' then what makes love the exception and why oh why are we so in denial when we know we're not happy here?" Damn straight. It's been beaten to a bloody pulp, we hashed and rehashed and I cried, as I am prone to doing especially when I don't want to, and now this...this...whatever it was with D is over and I can stop feeling guilty for wanting to date someone else. He never wanted or appreciated me even when he had me and I knew I never had him but he told me anyway, so what's done is done and now we know where we stand. That's fuckin' great. So why do I feel so shitty?

Aw Man.

Had a great time last night at Noah’s housewarming/Brad’s birthday party. The usual BR suspects were there and copious amounts of alcohol were consumed. I spent a good portion of the night talking to Joe (this made me happy), who ended up crashing on my couch so I could make sure he got up to go to class this morning. I pulled up next to his car, which was still parked at Noah’s, and when he got out, we saw that someone had smashed his back driver’s side window and stolen his bag with all of his school books in it! Ugh. I felt so bad, knowing that he’d just spent $300 to get his car back from the shop after having it break down on a freeway on-ramp and who knows how much on books for the term. Plus, we’d just spent part of the night commiserating about how broke we both are. Sucky way to end an otherwise fun night.

W.W.N.D.?

Today was sorta up and down. I was told I'm getting more responsibilities, a raise and a different title at work, but would still have do do some of the same stuff I'm doing now. I called D at work (probably should have just left it alone, but you know me...) and asked if he had time to talk to me tonight, but I have a house-warming party to be at in 45 minutes, where I know someone who has a crush on me and I have a crush on is going to be, and I'm guessing the conversation isn't going to happen between now and then so welcome to confusion city. Also, I'm broke like Hammer and have to figure out what I'm gonna do about moving.

It's times like these when I wonder, "What would Nelly do?" because it's gettin' hot in herre...

In Flux

As was to be expected, I'll be moving out in the not-so-distant future. I'm not sure where to yet, but I'll let you know when I figure it out. I hung out for a bit with Owen today and there was talk of us living together...more on that as the plan develops.

I've tried calling Jason and D twice each today and gotten no response. Call me nutty, but I'm worried. It's not like Jason to fall off the Earth and ....well, I have a lot of reasons to be worried about D.

The Dull Ache

My body does not like me today. My hand is still bruised from a few days ago, my back and neck still feel a little tight from the Mt. Tabor slam, and I woke up to the renovation three days early, making my lower back and abdomen cry. Happy Saturday to me.

I went to the bar last night, expecting to hang out with the usual suspects. I knew D was back, but didn't know if he'd come out or not. Half of me bet he would and the other half assumed he wouldn't want to see me. He did show up and the first half hour or so was awkward, to say the least. It was awkward to the point where Brad and Joe felt it. I apologized to them about it later as I don't ever want to bring tension or drama there. That place is a comfort zone for me and don't want that to change.

It took a bit for either of us to look each other in the eye. He'd said he'd gotten little sleep and wasn't functionally awake when he first got there, so when I finally did look up into his face, I don't know what I was seeing... a mix of sleep deprivation, worry, sadness, fear, hope...each of these intermixed with the others and overlapped each other in turns, each trying to be the dominant visible emotion. I'm sure my own face was washed with the same, with some hurt, frustration and confusion thrown in for good measure. I wanted to talk to him and give my attention to him, at the same time wanting to ignore him and punish him for hurting me, but my focus kept drifting over his shoulder to Joe, who ended up on the other side of D every time seats shifted. He was flashing me looks, both entertained and a little sympathetic, and if not for his attempts to get a smile out of me, I would probably have left minutes after D walked in the door.

He didn't stay long and as he was getting ready to go, I asked where he'd parked and if I could walk with him to his car. I told Brad and Joe I'd be right back and we headed out. There was the usual silence that precurses a serious conversation and he broke it with a comment about how he'd turned into his father with regard to his emotional unavailability. I don't know why I said it, but I said what would be a good idea is if everything could just go back to normal. He said he'd tried tonight and didn't think he'd done a very good job of it, but thought he'd be better tomorrow. We stopped in the lobby of the parking garage and looked at each other. I said we should talk after he'd gotten some sleep and he said he'd planned to be out at the bar the next night. The bar isn't really the best place to talk and I told him that...then I said I missed him and he said he'd missed me too, but knew I wouldn't believe him. At that, I took pause to actually read him... the tears came unexpectedly and I said I did believe him. Guh. I'd told myself I wasn't going to cry, wasn't going to show any weakness or hurt, and did my best to pull it together quickly. I said I just wanted things to be normal and I didn't know if he could do that or even wanted to do that and he asked what I meant. I said I wanted things to go back to the way they were before he left. I didn't even know if that was possible and said maybe it was a stupid thought anyway. He looked at me for a minute and stepped over to hug me. We stood there for a minute, holding on tight and just being, before he pulled back to look at me. He leaned down and kissed my forehead and then my cheek. He told me his plan for today, said he'd call me after he was done with work and headed up to his car as I walked back to the bar.

They boys asked how things had gone and I gave them the Reader's Digest version and said I was probably an idiot for saying what I'd said. They were supportive and sweet, the conversation turned to other things, more songs were sung and I offered to take Joe home when we were both ready to go. When we pulled up to his house, Joe asked when I'd be back at the bar and I said probably the next night. He said he'd come by after work and hang out and I told him if he couldn't get his car back from the shop, I'd take him home again but we'd have to stop at Voodoo Donut on the way. He was game and that was that. When I got home, I crawled into bed and was almost immediately asleep.

It's Blog Birthday Time

2 years. Nothing has changed. Everything from this still holds true. Yay me.

This Is How I Feel Right Now

*sad girl*


*thanks to involution.org for this.

Damn It, Beavis

I can't figure out how I can love someone the way I do and hate them at the same time. Guh, yes I can. Logically, I know that hate stems from hurt and, while I have no right to be hurt, I am. It's stupid, but I am. The strange part about that is, it hurts far less than I would have expected. Maybe I'm just numb because I haven't seen him yet. He hasn't had to look me in the eye and feel me hurting and I haven't had to look back and see what there is, if anything, to see.

For as much of his heart and head as he pours into his writing, you'd think I'd know where I stand and how he feels about me. I don't know shit.

Or Not

Airport's closed. Guess he won't be back until tomorrow. The suspense of what's going to be said is killing me.

Here and Now

He's coming back today and I don't know how to feel.

Ow.

I went out to the car awhile ago, intending to drive 10 miles an hour to the Rite-Aid about 10 blocks from here, pick up cat food and soup and come home. I wasn't really paying attention when I first walked out the front door, but by the time I got over to the car, a woman's voice, cursing the chains she couldn't seem to make fit on her tires, pulled me out of my head. She looked up and asked if I had chains, which of course I didn't as it's not even my car, and said I wouldn't be able to get anywhere without them. Then she said she had been trying for almost an hour but couldn't manage to get her chains on and I said I'd help her. Over near the car were two guys, who seemed amused by the woman and her dilemma but were making an effort to help and couldn't seem to figure the chains out either. Introductions were made, though for the life of me I can't remember any of their names now, and between one of the guys and myself, we had the chains on both front tires about 10 minutes later. In that short time, my hands had gone nearly numb. Once she'd tested them out and was sure the chains were going to get her down the street, I went back inside to wash the dirt off my hands and change my shoes so I could walk to Rite-Aid because the cat still needed food. The walk was uneventful, I didn't fall down once and now I'm home eating chunky vegetable soup. Mmm...cold weather and soup. However, I can finally feel my hands now that they're not painfully cold and I must have banged the hell out of my right paw because there's a happy little bruise over the knuckle of my ring finger. Looks like something exploded in there. Damn. See what happens when I help people...

My Outside Feels Just As Bad As My Inside

With all the snow and ice the last two days, I've only been at work for yesterday's 1/2 day since the 31st. I'm not comfortable being on the road with a city full of people who don't know how to drive in it and, as of yesterday's phone call from one of the corporate honchos, the Seattle area offices are closed so the Portland area offices should close at the discretion of the managers. I called my boss last night to say if things were the same today as yesterday on the roads, I wouldn't be coming in. The heat in the office doesn't work right, so she and I were sharing the pain yesterday of frozen fingers and toes...you just can't work like that. Highways are closed all over the place and the MAX isn't even running. People have slid into each other and trees and most anything else you can think of and abandoned their vehicles on the sides of roads around the city. It's crazyness.

So, since yesterday was such a winter wonderland, around 3ish Trip and I decided to go sledding. The only problem with that idea is that we don't have sleds. Being the ingenious kids we are, we headed over to GI Joe's and he buys two 6'x9' tarps for $3 each. These things are slicker than shit and we knew we'd fly down the hills on 'em. We proceeded to Mt. Tabor (home of the soap box derby I went to over the summer and some of the best hillsides in the city) and it was already starting to get dark. Not too many people left up there but the street lights were starting to come on and the die-hards were still zipping around on runner sleds and cardboard and innertubes. We plowed up the 50 or so stairs to the top of the hill above where the cars park and looked down at what lay before us.

The hill drops off at about a 75 or 80 degree angle for around 50 feet, flattens out for about 15 or 20 feet and then slopes down again at maybe 45 degrees for another 25 or 30 feet shooting you out into the parking lot. Yeah baby yeah. I watched him wrap himself up in the tarp and go flying off the edge, mostly sliding on his back and side facing forward until the middle, where he got turned around and slid the rest of the way into the lot going backwards. It didn't strike me until my third run that the potential for catching air coming off the first slope was damn high if you were laying right but I found out the hard way as I slammed down and wrenched my neck, back and hip. I took a minute to catch my breath, staring up at the sky as bits of ice scratched at my face, wondering if my lungs would freeze if the air I struggled to suck in didn't warm between my mouth and them. I finally sat up and then got up and shook it off, plodded back up the stairs and did one more run before I had to call it quits and just watch. For that short time, I forgot about everything and just enjoyed being a kid again. All the head noise disappeared and, for about two hours, I was 12 again, playing in the first snowstorm after we moved to Santa Fe and feeling like everything was right with the world.

Today, I hurt. I feel like I did some hard core workout and pulled everything possible in the process. My neck is screaming, my back is tweaked, my ribs are sore and my ass...well, it's thawed out quite nicely, thank you very much. Today, I know 12 is long gone and the simple things like playing in snow are temporary distractions from the real world. The girl I am right now is as real as you can get - no bullshit, no pretense, no facades, no lies. Just me. Far from perfect, but real. Here. Now. Waiting.

Between my hurt outside and my hurt inside, I could use a hug...

*listening to Idlewild - check out the lyrics to "Out Of Routine", "Stay The Same", and "In Remote Part"*

Top 3 Things About Myself I Hate That Could Be Considered Virtues

1. My seemingly unending ability to forgive.

2. My hyper-empathy.

3. My ability to love undeserving fuck-ups.

And What's Worse...

It struck me a bit ago that I should be floating around in a world of ignorant bliss, eagerly awaiting Thursday. There have been no phone calls or letters, no insight obtained through direct communication whatsoever. I should be sitting here, happily trusting and content in the knowledge that he cares about me and would never do anything to hurt me. I know what I know not because of an honest moment face-to-face but because of words on a screen. Of the people apparently involved, I don't even warrant a second of time. In all of the chaos, I am last on the list of concerns, first in line to be discarded; I am insignificant.

Goddamn It

I hate saying things out of anger that I don't mean. It's not in my nature to be spiteful. I'm just tired of being "that girl..." -the one who gives everything and forgives everything and gets hurt over and over and is lied to and is a second or third choice. I'm just tired of crying.

All I know right this minute is this: you don't hurt people you love.

I Take It Back

All of it. Every word. Because you don't deserve me.

And The Truth Shall Set You Free

I can see several different ways it could happen, but in all of the scenarios, I'm the one who walks away. I'm the one who's hurt and I'm the one who cries because I was the one who was honest with him and myself about the way I felt - still feel.

Two months was the limit and I've maxed out my time. The rest is just words.

Day Five...Call Me When It's Over

I'm a serious advocate of full disclosure truth telling. It just keeps everyone around you aware of where things stand and allows for educated decision making. However, I find that I don't always have the best timing when I blurt out how I'm feeling and later I wonder if it was really the best idea to say anything at all. For example, yesterday I vented, via instant messages, my frustrations about the barrage of unsolicited advice I've received in the last week re: my relationship with the recipient of the messages. I don't know if technical difficulties cut the conversation short or if he was just done listening to me bitch, but I was left staring at the screen wondering if what I'd been dumping on him was really need-to-know info. Even as I was typing, the usual twinge of guilt surfaced and by the end of the very one-sided conversation I felt like shit for pulling him into my problem. I still feel like shit.

Since I've earned the time, I took a personal day off from work to get some stuff done this morning (dr. appt for a physical) and now that I'm home, I'm hoping for an uneventful rest of the day. I always feel kind of violated after visiting the doctor and I'm glad it's only once a year. Now, it's nap time.

Childish Games

Remember back in elementary school when you could pick a flower, remove the petals one by one, each representing "he loves me" or "he loves me not," and when the stem was bare, which ever one was last was the answer? If only it was that easy now...

You May Be Right...I May Be Crazy

There are days when I feel like I'm losing my mind. Today is one of those days.

Which Is It?

Absence makes the heart grow fonder or out of sight, out of mind? A little of both, perhaps. Time away from anyone gives you an opportunity to get some perspective on what that person means to you. If they do in fact mean something, you behave accordingly while they/you're gone. If they don't, you do whatever you want as the whims take you. I've made the choices I've made in the recent days because on some level, I care. I don't know if I can say the same for him.

I Just Want To Turn It All Off

I don't want to want him anymore. I just don't.

Just Let Me Bitch

The snow stopped and today the rain started. I have no plans for the evening and no plans for the 4 day weekend. I have a huge pile of laundry to do and I'm broke until Friday. I wanted to go out tonight and get all dressed up but I don't have a date and it's too frickin' cold to be running around in a little black dress. The older I get, the more I try to trust people and then get burned.

Someone let me get what I want just once. Please.

It Has Begun...

Ok, so it's already snowing. If things keep up like this, I'll get a 5 day weekend. Sweet.

Cold

I’ve had trouble keeping my hands warm today. Seems like the frost in my all but forgotten heart has traveled down to my fingers and made itself a happy little home. Unless you want frostbite, it’s better if you don’t touch me right now. It’s supposed to be snow again tomorrow and that sounds just fine to me.

It’s dark in here except for the glow of the screen in front of me and the sliver of light coming in through the break in the curtains from the street lamp outside. I stripped off my clothes the minute I locked the door behind me and crawled into bed, hoping the blankets would chase off the chill. The stark contrast of recently dyed black hair against pale skin and over green eyes makes me look sickly since the freezing wind stole all the color from my cheeks and lips. I’m thankful for the darkness so I don’t have to see myself like this.

One more day and then I can sleep.

I Want To Be A Dream Girl...

I'm finally remembering my dreams again as of three days ago and let me tell you, I dream some weird shit. Weird. I had a dream the other night where I was walking through a campus similar to my old college layout with D and we were on our way to meet some friends of mine for dinner at a street fair/flea market type dealie. There were tents set up with chairs and pillows on mats on the floor and when we walked in, my friend Ho was sitting there talking to a bunch of people who looked vaguely like D -dreads, milk chocolate skin, beautiful- but they all had French Creole accents and seemed kind of stoned. None of this seemed weird at the time. So, we sat down in two of the empty chairs next to each other and leaned over to kiss...something weird happened at this point because the next thing I knew I was waking up from a nap and everyone was making their way to a flight of stairs, at the top of which was the restaurant where we were meeting my friends for food. The entrance reminded me of a place I used to go to for sushi in Eugene called Shiki -bamboo in pots on both sides of the doorway, black curtain with a split in the middle- and just as we were about to go through the curtain, I woke up feeling really disoriented.

I really wonder what triggers this stuff...

A Modest Proposal

I feel well rested, calm, nearly stress-free. I'd like to make a suggestion to the powers that be: implement the three day work week permanently. Those four days off did me worlds of good. This week is the same deal as the office is closed Thursday and Friday and I always have Saturday and Sunday off. While I don't have it in me to go out to Dante's tonight (it wouldn't be the same without D anyway), staying in will give me a chance to read more of the books I got for Christmas and maybe get my bead box organized. Unless Eric is back in town and wants to watch a movie or something. *<---obvious hint if he's reading this* Anyway, back to the grind...

Lost In Sound

Before Christmas, I'd gone shopping and ended up in Djangos looking at the used cd racks. There were so many unfamiliar album covers and band names that I didn't know where to begin. I asked if I could listen to some of them before I decided to buy anything and the guy behind the counter said I could. I started flipping through disc after disc, hoping something would grab me and become my new favorite band of the moment. Having no idea what I was in for, I selected four based purely on band name and cover art. Of the four, I only went home with one: Gravity and Henry's "Sputnik - Travelling Companion". GandH are an indie rock band consisting of two guys, Matt Sheehy and Jarhid Brown. Turns out they're local and played MusicfestNW back in August. I've had the disc in my cd player since the day after I bought it. Songs that jump out are track 1 - "trigger/response," track 5 - "lullaby song," and track 9 - "the apollo room." The only downer is that the lyrics aren't in the liner notes and I can't find them anywhere on the 'net. Bastards. They're playing at PSU in January, so maybe I can smack them around about the lyrics thing then. Anyway, go out and listen to their album. It was the best $1.99 I spent this year.

Box This

As today is the most shoppingest day of the year, I'm hesitant to venture out into the world and see what the sale racks hold. Maybe I can convince Shauna to come brave the crowds with me for an hour or two....could be worth it to find a new sweater or something for dirt cheap.

With almost all of the people I normally hang out with out of town already or going out of town for awhile, it's going to be a slow transition back to entertaining myself. It gives me time to catch up on my reading (got 10 new books for Christmas! Woo!) and movie watching and reconnect with some of the people I haven't been seeing as much of lately. However, I'm still not looking forward to New Year's Eve.

Out Of The Woodwork

After Shauna and I got back from Christmas festivities in Eugene, we headed straight for the bar. Guy had called and said I should let him know when we got there so he could come meet us... 15 minutes later he walked in the back door. I hadn't seen him since Halloween and he'd changed enough that it took me a minute to recognize him. The once blonde hair was dark again and a four day old mustache/goatee was coming in making him look a little rugged. We liked it.

It took no time at all for us to slide into the old comfort zone and start acting goofy, singing along with the other karaokers and behaving badly. I'm not sure why we don't hang out more often as we always enjoy our time together and say we should hang out more. He's leaving in a few days to go to Hawaii for a week but when he gets back, I'm going to call him and see what's what.

Dutch Babies And Bacon...The Breakfast Of Champions

We opened everything last night so we could all sleep in a bit today (when I was a kid, I'd be up at 6am waking the whole house up to open presents...the family has learned that's it's just better to do it at night and then they get to sleep as long as they want) and breakfast is being made as we speak. I have to go wake up Shauna in a little bit so I'm keeping this short and sweet. So, Merry Christmas and shit. Hope your day rocks. ;)

It's Still Tuesday

2 1/2 weeks is only a fraction of a second in the general scheme of things but the five minutes after the doors of his bus closed and he rode away felt like lifetimes. I've never been someone you could call co-dependent; my self-preservation safeguards won't let me be that needy. But he hadn't even left yet and I already missed him. ....So many reasons to look forward to the holidays being over...

What Was Once A Raging Fire....

I'm bored. I'm tired of making concessions for everyone. I'm tired of giving people more chances than they deserve. I'm tired of having to make all the decisions. I'm tired of my bedroom being cold and empty. I'm tired of waiting out the dry spell that's been in effect for the last month. I need to be entertained and given a chance and told what to do and warm and desired. I need to be engaged, both physically and mentally, because I'm tired of running on auto-pilot.

It's Madness Out There

Christmas shopping is my least favorite activity these days. While I'm all about giving, I'm not so much about crowded malls, rude people and being broke. I'm pleased to say I only have a few small things to get and then I'm done but it can't be over soon enough. I also have a ton of laundry that's been piling up and seemingly no time to do it, not to mention the fact that I'm out of detergent and haven't made time to hit the grocery store. Guh.

In the midst of all the rushing around, I've found myself with down time during the transit from one stop to the next on the bus. Having allowed someone else to steer my mood as of late, I've flip-flopped between merely content and severely under appreciated. Somehow, when I'm as alone as anyone can be on a bus surrounded by strangers, the moodiness is magnified to the point of causing a headache. I regularly ask myself what I'm doing and the answer has remained constant: I have no idea.

That was Nice But I'm Glad I'm Home

The company holiday party was today during business hours so we closed the offices at 11am and headed over to Salty's to eat, drink and be merry. The food was great, the mimosas were flowing and the people I spent time talking to were very cool. Things wound down around 3:30, so a few of us from my property headed over to the Portland City Grill for happy hour drinks and sushi. Good stuff. I got on a bus to go home at 6:30 and, fun as the day was (who wouldn't like getting paid to socialize and eat and drink mimosas?), I'm so happy to be in my bed right now. The only thing that would make me happier is dream-filled sleep...

Oh Yeah...

Anyone have any new music I should hear? I'm jonesing for a new mixed cd, yo.

The Empty Space Beside Me

I wanted to tell you I miss you. I realized the other day that I don't miss you because I just like having people around and I don't miss you because I'm lonely. I miss you.

The Sweetest Thing...

So, as you all know, I've been sick. I haven't gone out since Thursday (holy crap!!). I've been tired more than anything for the last two days so I know I'm getting better but besides work, I haven't spent much time with other people. Yesterday when I got home, Shauna and Trip were playing Fusion Frenzy on the XBox and I changed into pajamas and watched for a bit before I ordered a pizza. I knew from the minute I woke up yesterday that I wasn't going out last night, so I got settled on the couch and resigned myself to another night in. Around 8ish, D called and asked if I was going to Dante's. When I said I wasn't, he asked if I wanted him to stop by on his way out and, of course, I said yes. He showed up about an hour later and for about ten minutes, I had as much attention as anyone could possibly want. Hugs, kisses, being told he wanted to see me since he'd been distracted while we were shopping for a few hours on Sunday and he hadn't really seen me for a few days.... I loved every second of it. After he left, he went to his car and came back a minute later with a cd by a band called Far and said I should borrow it because he thought I'd really like them, which I did. And I slept like a baby last night (still dreamless...grr).

While I love spending lots of time with people I care about, I love getting quality time even more...

I See You...And What See Is Beautiful

I'm not sure what, if anything, I could possibly say to make you understand how beautiful you are and I can't begin to tell you how special you are because the words I have wouldn't be enough. Maybe it's better that you don't know because part of your beauty is in your lack of self-awareness and part of what makes you special is that you understand me anyway. So thank you for being you and know that I love you...

Do I Look Like Your Mother? No? I Didn't Think So.

You know what I like? Not having to make decisions for everyone all the time. It's nice when people do things because they want to rather than because I've asked them. I hate being the responsible one all the time. There's a reason I'm not anyone's mother. Frickin', frickin', frickin'.....guh.

Ok, I feel a little better now.

As far as being sick goes, I'm on the mend. I slept for most of the last two days and that helped a lot. However, the guest room remodel has started again so I'm easily set off and cranky. I've also been alone for too long and I'm starting to get pissy with everyone for no good reason. Don't come near me...I might explode.

Addendum

Some more tea would be nice too...*cough cough*

Wallowing

I admit it. I am actually sick now. So much for the sick karma gods coming through for me. The only person who's called and asked if I need anything yesterday or today is Owen. Ironic? A little. I got up earlier to make myself some tea and toast and to get a glass of orange juice but that's about all I've done outside my room today. I fell asleep right at the end of Edward Scissorhands last night around 9ish and didn't wake up until just before 10 this morning. Watched The Talented Mr. Ripley a bit ago and I'm trying to decide if I should take a nap or watch another movie. To add to the suffering, I caught my thumb nail on a box at work yesterday and it ripped below the pink. It's been throbbing since then. I know I'm being a whiny little biatch, but all I want right now is for someone to rub my back and take care of me.

Stupid Throat...Wait, Stupid Me

Hi, I'm an idiot. I'm totally getting sick and have the heinous sore throat and cough and I went to a smoky bar last night and sang a shitload of songs and stayed until the bar closed, thereby getting about 5 hours of sleep. Somebody just shoot me. Or don't.

I can't seem to get my head straight lately. One minute I'm riding the waves and the next, I'm caught in the undertow. My brain goes into overdrive at night when I'm trying to fall asleep. And mostly, I just hate sleeping alone. I hate feeling alone....Well, not alone so much as desperately lonely. So, hold me close and tell me you want me and that everything will be okay...

Cutting Off My Nose...

I get two words from taking me away from you all the time. I realize that I'd actually be taking you away from me and that's what stops me. Turns out I'm the one who would care...

Even If It's Not Fun, Time Flies

It's already Thursday. It's already the 11th. Guh. My throat was raw and screaming this morning for the third day in a row; I've spent most of today trying to convince my body not to succumb to the plague of which that's a sure sign and just stay healthy. There isn't enough orange juice in the world to fight the germs once they get into my throat, but Mom's patented Listerine cure might do the trick. The coughs that've been few and far between, however, are indicative of a worse fate than being a little hoarse for a few days. I can't stand the idea that I might be getting sick. The smart thing to do would be to stay home, take some NyQuil and get some rest but, since "I am not sick.", there's no need to stay in and miss out on singing some of the new stuff they got the other day at the bar. Gawd, I'm killing me...

Random tangent: it's been awhile. I don't like that. Frustrating, really. Just fyi.

Going Through The Motions

It's lunch time. A stack of bills to process four inches thick patiently waits at my desk. I'm on my third bottle of water for the day. Painfully neglected fingernails tap on overused keys. This morning's repetitive motion sunk it's teeth into my neck, shoulders and wrists. My head is filled with somewhere else. At some point, the ride will stop and I will get off. Until then, creme-filled chocolate cookies washed down with mountain spring water absorb the motion sickness and kill the vertigo. There is work to be done and there are songs to be sung and there are movies to watch and once the clock strikes 6, I will wake up only to fall into a different dream.