Living In Oblivion

Too much weirdness last night. I won my pool match (I'm 5 for 5 now...yeah, baby, yeah!) and then went outside to make a quick phone call in hopes of working out plans for the weekend... I didn't say what I keep wanting to say about the last post I wrote here because I'm a wuss and now I think it's probably best just to drop it. (If he didn't know who I was talking about before, it's safe to say he does now.) A little later, Jason and I walked over to the BR to hang out for the rest of the night and when we got there, Michael was sitting in his Jeep outside. I asked if he was coming or going, he said just got there and we met up inside at the bar. Last Friday, he'd gotten hit square in the face by someone he didn't even know over something that didn't even happen and ended up in the emergency room with a broken cheek, a split that needed dermabond under his nose and bruises over the bridge of his nose. He thinks the guy who hit him had an ashtray in his hand. Guh. He looked a tiny bit swollen on cheek more than the other, but he's so damn cute that it really wasn't that noticeable. I ended up hanging out with him and Bruce and another girl who I hadn't met before for most of the night and the boys were cracking me up the whole time, telling me I was the awesomest and cute and sweet and just being goofy. The attention was nice and needed...

At some point, pizza boy showed up and sat at the table behind us with his friends. I smiled and waved and did my usual "what's up" and got sucked back into conversation with the people I was with. Periodically, I turned around and waved or smiled (normal social etiquette) and pizza boy kept giving me weird looks. When I got up to get a beer, everyone at their table was looking at me funny so I sat down next to him, said hey and asked him what his deal was. He said they'd been there awhile and I hadn't come over to talk to him... I said I didn't see him come talk to me so what's the problem? He laughed and very seriously started talking about his band setting up a show soon and that he wanted me there. He gave me the intense look for a minute and then looked away and apologized for being weird. I asked him what was going on with him and why was he being like that and he said he didn't know. Then he didn't say anything for a minute, I laughed because I didn't know what else to do and then got up for my beer. While I was waiting at the bar, he and his friends waved and left. Weird.

I sang "Just What I Needed" for Mike and Bruce and the Three's Company theme song with Rob, which is always cheezy and always fun, and finally took a cab home at 2am. I'm a little tired today, in a strange mood and kinda wanting to stay in tonight and watch a movie, but I'm going back down to get some pool practice in since the tables are free tonight. I'm sure I'm going to pass out by Saturday.

I Just Need To Say It.

So, um... we've been friends for awhile, right? Yeah, well, um... you know how there are some people you meet and you like them but then you never think that they'd be interested in you, so you just hang out as friends and eventually that feeling goes away... Um... I guess I'm trying to say that the feeling has never gone away. It's gotten to the point of thinking about you when I'm supposed to be focused on something else and wondering when I'll see you next... I had to tell you because it's driving me crazy not knowing if there's even a chance of you being interested in me. So, now you know and even if nothing comes of telling you, at least you know where I stand.

Cocktails And Dreams...

How to make a Tiffany

Ingredients: 1 part jealousy 3 parts brilliance 3 parts empathy

Method: Combine in a tall glass half filled with crushed ice. Add sadness to taste! Do not overindulge!

Username:

Personality cocktail
From Go-Quiz.com

Not That I'm Surprised But...

I really like the new Blink 182 album. The entire thing. Since I can't say that about many albums, I'm glad I bought it. On the flip side, I'm sad that I didn't get to see them play last night.

In other news, this day has thus far been craptastic. The only two moments of joy in the day have been the Indian food I'm eating for lunch and getting to use the word craptastic. Things have to get better.

My Life As A Bitch

I've never had so many people in one night tell me I was being a bitch as I did last night. Wow. I suppose I could explain that by saying: from now on, don't talk to me when I have a pool cue in my hand on Wednesday night unless you're on my team or the other team. I'm easily distracted and need all of my concentration because I'm just not that good. It's fan-frickin'-tastic that people like me and want to talk to me, but please, unless you like the bitchy me, leave me alone until I'm done playing. Then I'll be my normal not-so-serious self.

Guh. This is exactly why I don't play team sports. I'm just not a competitive person. So, if I lose when I'm just playing for fun, then who cares. Talk to me all you want and feel free to distract me. If I lose when we're tied and I'm up last, then I care because it's not just about me anymore.

I'm Not Really A Hairdresser, I Just Play One On TV.

Two people in the last two days have asked me to do things to their hair. Several people have asked me how I got my makeup to look the way it does and what products I use. I think I may have missed my true calling as a hair/makeup artist. Damn.

I Like You...Why Is That So Hard For Me To Say?

I pretend I'm only interested in being friends with people so I don't make the friendship weird or screw it up altogether or have to deal with being rejected. How messed up is that? Pretty damn messed up, I'd say.

State Of Emergency...

In love. 100% in love....with the song "Joga" by Bjork. I can't get enough of this damn song. It starts out with just strings and vocals and slowly pulls all of the elements - strings, scattered beats and electronica, bass and vocals - together to finally fade out to strings again. Lyrically, it's typical Bjork:

all the accidents that happen
follow the dot
confidence makes sense
only with you
you don't have to speak
i feel
emotional landscapes
they puzzle me

then the riddle gets solved and you push me up to this:

...state of emergency...
...how beautiful to be!...
...state of emergency...
...is where i want to be...

all that no-one sees
you see
what's inside of me
every nerve that hurts you heal
deep inside of me
you don't have to speak - i feel
emotional landscapes
they puzzle me
confuse

then the riddle gets solved and you push me up to this:

...state of emergency...
...how beautiful to be!...
...state of emergency...
...is where i want to be...

...state of emergency...

...state of emergency...

I love it.

Clearing Up The Rumors

NO dates with mayoral candidates have been gone on, nor will they be, by anyone here at Bursting With Fruit Flavor due to the fact that said candidate has started seeing someone between the first contact we had with him and now. We apologize for any confusion this may have caused and we will continue to provide coverage of our pathetically sucky love life as it occurs (or doesn't as has been the case lately).

The Voice Is Back With A Vengence

Getting Paid To Bowl

I am a sucky bowler. I admit it. But if I got paid to bowl everyday (much like today, when our company had leasing agent appreciation day and bought us lunch and took us bowling), I'm sure I'd become much better at it. In fact, just knowing that I was getting paid to be there made me bowl my personal best (154)! Now, in the general scheme of bowling, that sucks. I know. But in the general scheme of me, that ruled! Just imagine what I could do given more paid practice time! I'd get discovered by a bowling scout and become a professional bowling genius. I'd be the Tiger Woods of bowling. I'd get a bunch of money from Nike for endorsements and they'd name their first ever bowling shoe after me: The Air Krell. I'd get my own theme song, written just for me by Missy Elliot, that would be played every time I stepped on to the lane to start my game. I'd have a custom pink sparkly ball with my initial on it and little girls everywhere would want to take up bowling after seeing me play... Doesn't this sound like a great way to spend the company's money? I'll be sure to pitch the idea to my boss right after I finish paying that stack of bills for the property...

One More Day Of Rest

Stayed home again. The coughing wears me out. But the rain just started coming down in sheets, chasing the thunder with a vengence. If I'm going to be stuck inside, still feeling under the weather, it's nice to watch a rainstorm from the warm cocoon of blankets and sheets I call my bed. My senses have started to return and, as I love the smell of rain, my body's timing couldn't be better. The low end of my vocal register has come back to normal, but when I try to sing along with the songs I can normally hit dead on, I still sound like Cha-Cha the Donkey Girl. Fingers crossed for speedier recovery because it's back to work tomorrow, no matter what.

Kinda Sorta On The Mend

As exciting as the evil robot voice posts were, I'm feeling considerably better today. My voice is still a little scratchy but audible (major improvement), so I think I'll be good to go at work tomorrow. The cough, however (which was only an issue in the last few days after a good laugh and has since gotten worse), makes me wonder just how much my body hates me right now. You know how your neck strains when you make the angry face and clench your teeth at people? Well, all the coughing has made it so I have no choice but to be a smiley, happy girl or suffer the neck pain. No angry face for me, which is fine because I'm in a good mood. I can actually hear out of both ears for the first time in four days! I'll be able to sing again by Friday! Woo hoo! It's amazing how much we take the normal functions of our bodies for granted only to be reminded of their value when we're temporarily without them.

Ok, Maybe A Little Funny.

This Isn't Funny.

Look Ma, No Hands!

Demons Be Gone!

I am officially sick. Lost the majority of my voice, tore up my throat from coughing, hard to breathe through my nose sick. Obviously, I did not go into work today. A big chunk of my time at work is spent answering the phone and, frankly, I sound like shit. Not good. Unfortunately, this means that all the plans I made for today and tomorrow aren't going to happen and that about makes me want to cry.

The Sad But True Tale Of The Unwell Girl

All day yesterday, I felt ill. Too warm, swollen glands, achy joints, sore throat, pounding head...everything was wrong. It hit me like a cement truck not long after I woke up and got progressively worse as the day went on. By the time I got home, all I could do was crawl into bed and groan. I fell asleep and woke up 4 hours later, around 10:30p. I decided I should eat something and went to the kitchen to make myself a sandwich. The entire time I was standing there at the counter, I felt light-headed and a little sick. Everything was much better when I got back in bed and I went to sleep again at 11:30p. Slept straight through until the alarm went off at 7:30 this morning. My throat is still a little sore, but way better than yesterday. What the crap?

Photos And Donuts And Dante's, Oh My!

Had such a good time taking random, goofy pictures this past weekend. I want a digi cam, dammit! I'd take it with me everywhere and I'm sure people would eventually get sick of me snapping photos all over the place, but I just don't care. I'd forgotten how happy taking pictures makes me. The only thing is that I'm really not a fan of having my picture taken (unless I'm the one taking it...then it's just funny). I'm trying to get over that, though.

Also, I was very disappointed that I didn't get my bacon maple bar on Friday or Saturday. I decided that I need to start carrying bacon in my bag in case they're out at Voodoo. The donut people agreed.

The other thing I'd forgotten is what an adrenaline rush singing at Dante's is. I hadn't been since December and I always had a blast when I used to go with Darryl, but I somehow felt that I shouldn't go anymore after things went sour. Anyway, last night just made me smile. It felt good to be up there with those guys again and I'm going to have to start going again. Not every Monday, but more often than once in 5 months.

Don't ask, it's art. 

It was a rockstar moment. 'Nuff said. 

Ow.

My shoulder is starting to bug me. I started to notice an achy twinge under my right shoulder blade just about the time I started playing pool on a more regular basis. It feels....crunchy...like cartilage is missing or really thin and grindy. Not good. Somebody hug me, but be gentle.

Yay, I Won!

I'm liking this pool league thing. I'm really not a competitive person, so I'm kinda surprised. I'm also surprised when I win. So far, almost everyone has been really nice that we've played against, except the girl I played last night who didn't seem too thrilled with me when I tried to be jokey and friendly. Ah well. I'm just in it to have fun and the last two weeks I have, so it's all good. We're playing at home again next week, which I like because I'm comfortable there but is kinda bad because it's really easy to get distracted after 9 when the regular crowd shows up and the karaoke starts. As usual, I ended up keeping score (it's been this way since 8th grade...get the nerdy kid to be the scorekeeper) and by 10 last night, I was having a hard time focusing on the task at hand and not getting sucked into the goth-themed birthday festivities for Kris.

A little pool, a little black makeup, a few drinks and my night is golden.

Just Hangin' Around

I'm staying in again tonight and probably watching a movie. I'd like company, but I'm not holding my breath.

Piscean Dreams

I was in a big swimming pool, floating on my back for a few minutes and then treading water near the edge at one end. At the other end, he was sitting on the edge with his feet in the water but when I motioned for him to come in, he just shook his head and tapped his ear. So I started swimming across the pool to say...I'm not sure what...but the pool kept getting bigger and the longer I swam, the further away he was. I realized I was dreaming and turned to backstroke away from him. When my hand touched the wall behind me, he was sitting on the edge next to me. But in the time it had taken me to swim back to the wall, he'd become a little boy, about 7 or 8, and he was crying. He told me he'd wanted to play in the pool with the other kids but wasn't allowed to get his ears wet (tubes in his ears?) so he'd been squirting a hose in the air at his friends. They'd gotten mad and pushed him in, but he couldn't swim and almost drowned. He said he was crying because he was worried he'd be in trouble with his parents. I told him it would be ok and that I'd talk to them for him if he wanted and just as I was getting out of the pool, I woke up.

If You Only Knew What I Wanted To Do...

It's the kind of day I love - overcast, rainy, grey - and it's payday. You should take me on a date tonight and kiss me like you mean it. That would make this day better than expected.

Karaoke Girl Joins Pool Team, Regulars Shocked

"You're joining a pool team?" Apparently I am. I had fun last night, won my first match (go me!) and learned how to keep score. I was actually nervous when I started out but relaxed a bit by the middle and felt comfortable by the end. Good stuff.

Heading down to the Ash Street Saloon tonight to catch the Famous Mysterious Actor Late Night Talk Show (comedy thing). Some friends are going to be the guests, so that should be fun. Come say hi, if you're feeling so inclined...

Boredom And My Fat Ass

I get one hour for lunch everyday. For about 1/2 of that time, I'm bored out of my mind. I don't really need a whole hour to eat, if I eat, and I'm constantly lamenting the supposed lack time I have to exercise. Well, it was decided today that the 1/2 hour I can't seem to fill with anything productive will from now on be filled by time with my co-workers in the gym. September is right around the corner and I wanted to lose about 20 lbs before my trip anyway. I just came back from the first day over there and I'd forgotten how much I like walking and how good I feel when I'm done. Good and sweaty. Guh.

The Thing About Mondays Is...

I always feel like my weekend wasn't long enough. No matter how long it actually was...two days, four days... I'm not as productive on the weekends as I think I somehow should be, so that's problem number one. Problem number two is that I wish I were independently wealthy so I wouldn't have to get up Monday morning and go to work. I don't see that happening in my near future. Problem number three is that 90% of the time, I have a great time on my days off and just an ok time on the days I have to work... Don't get me wrong, I like my job well enough. I'm just not passionate about it. I get up, I go to work, I do my job, I go home and I don't really think about it again until the next day. It keeps me from living in a box down by the river and occasionally I have a really great day. The rest of the days just blur together (thank you, corporate life).

...I know why I'm discontent....and it's not work. Friday night, I met a really nice guy and, because I'm a dumbass, I didn't trade numbers or anything with him. I rarely meet really nice guys. I'm gonna have to put a "kick me" sign on my own back today.

And The Results Are In...

So the science experiment started yesterday and ends tonight. After three pieces of pizza, two bites of ice cream, three beers, a shot of tequila and two old fashioned doughnuts from Voodoo, I came home last night and passed out. I got up today and had two pieces of cold pizza and now I need a nap to prepare myself for beers later with Guy at the Bagdad. That's a lot of crap and I'm glad the experiment if almost over. I don't recommend trying this at home. Tomorrow, it's nothing but water, salad and fruit for this girl.

I Win!!!

Been to Chris Magazine lately? If you have then you know that I won The Mentor! What does that mean? Well, it means that I'm obviously in need of professional help. But we already knew that.

In Case You Haven't Already Noticed...

Blogger upgraded. Good stuff. I like everything they've changed and I like everything they've added. I've been a supporter of the photo id section since day one (I want to see who's writing what I like to read) so kudos to Blogger for that. I expect to have people stop me on the street any day now and say, "Hey, you're that girl from Bursting With Fruit Flavor! Can I have your autograph?" to which I'll respond, "Why, yes...yes I am. My autograph? Well, sure." That will be a happy day. Yes indeed. Any day now. Yep.

Sean Who?

So last night I walked out my front door and there were tons of people standing around the intersection of 37th and Hawthorne. Dennis Kucinich supporters were waving their signs and reminding people to vote and the next thing I knew, Sean Penn came walking down the street with Dennis Kucinich. Yeah, that's right. Sean Penn. Madonna's ex. Robin Wright's husband. Academy award winning actor. The dude from Fast Times At Ridgemont High. Hell yeah. I immediately called my roommate and she of course responded to my, "Hey, guess who I'm looking at across the street....Sean Penn!" with "Shut up. Are you kidding? I'm coming down right now." For about 10 minutes, we stood on our "front porch" and watched Sean Penn shake hands and sign stuff. Yeah, I love where I live.

How Much Crap Can One Girl Eat?

We here at Bursting With Fruit Flavor have decided to find out. At some point this week, large quantities of ice cream, pizza and beer (ooo, and maybe a cheesy gordita crunch!) will be consumed in the name of science. We expect the results to be sickening, but we're willing to puke our guts out for you, dear reader. The people want to know and we're gonna find out just how much crap one girl can eat. The results will be posted as soon as we recover from the bingeing.

If I Had A Million Dollars...

Hell yeah, I'd get Da Vinci veneers on my teeth! You know how much those suckers cost? $700-$1200! Per tooth!! Those ladies on The Swan who are bitching about having to wear a stupid chin strap for a few weeks are a bunch of whiners. Free surgery, free dental work, free therapy and free living for three months....what the hell do you have to bitch about? A little post-op pain? Suck it up, ladies...the pain killers are free too. So unless you live in some country where the treatments you've gotten are free to everyone, you should be kissing Nely Galan's(the Swan coach and exec producer of the show) perfectly toned ass and make the most of every single free minute you have in LA. All the personal attention you've had for the last three months won't be there back at home in the real world.

I Do Not Feel Pretty....Therefore I will Shop.

Go ahead, tell me I have a problem. One's self image should not be improved by the purchase of superficialities. But, dammit, I know I'll feel better if I go across the street to Naked City and get a t-shirt or two! Logic and emotion clash once again.

I was tired as hell last night for no good reason (other than maybe spending the day out on the water riding on the jet boat with my co-workers...fun, fun, fun!) and I couldn't seem to snap out of it. I got plenty of sleep last night, so I'm good to go today. The carnival rides and booths are still set up down on the waterfront for the 5 day long Cinco De Mayo festivities so it'll probably be busy downtown, but I'm feeling the urge to wander around Saturday Market so we'll see if I can work up the energy to brave the crowds.

Bored? In need of entertainment? Hungry? Let's do lunch.

I Never Claimed To Be Cool....

The supply order I placed two days ago came in today and that means new Sharpies for me. Woo hoo! As a child, I never imagined that I'd one day get excited over office supply deliveries. In a weird way, it's like Christmas or my birthday.... even though I know what's coming, opening the boxes and seeing all the new stuff just makes me happy. Dry erase markers, Sharpies, ink refills, correction tape, paper clips, post-its...it almost brings a tear to my eye. At first, I hid my joy, thinking people would give me more cocked-eyebrow looks than they already do, but I've learned that I'm not alone in my excitement over tools of the administrative trade and now I squeal like a school girl at a Justin Timberlake concert when the Boise truck rolls up to the office. Maybe that's why I'm such a supply Nazi....when the order comes, it's a treat. If we got stuff all the time, it wouldn't seem as special.

I really need get out more.

Rock The Casbah...

It's the 5th, which means hellaciousness here in the office as today is the last day to get rent in before it's considered late and the fees are slapped onto people's accounts. I've been swamped all day and I'm incredibly happy to be on my lunch break. Someone once said that I hate people and I'm afraid today that's 100% true. However, by 10pm tonight, I'm guessing I'll be feeling nothing but love. Conveniently, it's both Wednesday (fun night for regulars at the bar) and Cinco De Mayo (fun night for everyone).

...I have a sinking feeling that I'm gonna hurt tomorrow...

The Lure Of The Show

So, I want to go see From Autumn To Ashes and Atreyu tonight at The Roseland but I'm not sure if that's going to happen. If I don't hear from Eric before 6pm, I'm just going to go home and watch The Swan (which I wouldn't complain about).

I think this post needs more links to stuff.

Have A Nice Trip, See You Next Fall...

After having fun hanging out with Taryn for a bit, then cruising around by myself, shopping, getting a pedicure and picking up Chinese food for dinner (lunch?), I was having a great Saturday. I got home and took a shower, put on a new skirt and t-shirt and the shoes I bought when I was down in Eugene last weekend. I did a final mirror check before I walked out: Cute top? Check. Cute skirt? Check. Hair and makeup done? Check. Cute shoes? ....This final check would prove to be my downfall in a few minutes.(pun intended)

I walked out the front door, looked down the hall to see my nextdoor neighbor doing the same and we exchanged the usual small talk. He was about 8-10 feet in front of me on the way down the stairs and offered to get the door for me. I had another five stairs to go and I'm not sure what happened but my feet got all twisted and the new heels weren't helping and the next thing I knew, I was face down in the foyer. Guh. The neighbor turned around and asked if I'm ok, to which I responded with a mix of embarrassment and pain, "I knew this was gonna happen at some point...I hate stairs!" I got up and looked down at my legs. Not pretty. Knees scraped, shins dented in and threatening to start bleeding, and ankles already bruising and scraped. Aw man! Way to be graceful in heels and a skirt. I, of course, went back upstairs (slowly and painfully), took off the evil shoes of evil, got a bag of ice from the freezer and iced up the damage.

For a few minutes, I pondered the possibility that this was a sign not to go out. I'd been out every night since Tuesday, I was tired and hurt and the fall had me feeling like the klutzy 10 year old girl I once was who fell all the time and had scraped knees on a regular basis. Then I looked down at my freshly polished toes and realized it was just a sign not to cover them up with the stupid shoes I'd been wearing. So I put on flip-flops and went out. By the end of the night, my legs didn't hurt one bit. So, the moral of the story is: you don't have to be drunk to fall down, but drinking sure helps after you do.

Running On Pure Will...And Lots Of Caffeine

I keep having to shake off the persistent urge to fall asleep right here at my desk. If it weren't for the regular caffeine injections (read: Mt. Dew), I'd have passed out face down on the keyboard 4 hours ago. I just have to make it through another 3.5 hours and then I can go home....at which point I'll get my second wind, take a shower, get dolled up and go party like a rockstar. I have the sunglasses now and everything. Damn skippy I'm with it.

It's Gettin', It's Gettin', It's Gettin' Kinda Hectic

Just thinking about this has given me a headache. Last night was a perfect example of why I don't have many girlfriends...of why I don't get along with girls, in general. The ones I do have are around for a reason: we all know the rules and we don't play head games. Call me bitchy, call me what you will, but I have zero tolerance for liars and fakes.

I Need An Official Ruling On This One...

Ok, so say you meet someone in your bar of choice, get to talking and find that you enjoy each other's company. How long are you supposed to wait before you call someone who's given you their number once you decide you actually want to see them again? A day? Two days? A week? To add to the dilemma, how are you supposed to handle the situation if the person who gave you their number is the best friend of someone who's been blatantly flirting with you for the past couple weeks and seems to be working up to asking you out? What's the protocol here? Is there a universal you-snooze-you-lose policy that has to be observed? If you go out with one does that preempt the possibility of dating the other? Am I a complete gimp when it comes to dating? Should I finally quit talking about it and just become a nun? If so, do you think a habit would make me look fat?

Your input would be greatly appreciated...

The Swan

I'm sorry to say that I'm completely addicted to The Swan. I know, it's a really bad show. I can't help myself, though. I don't want to watch it, but I must. Two women a week with lower self esteem than anyone I know telling the world their sob stories and going through a complete body overhaul....what's not to love? The only thing I can't deal with watching is the liposuction. There's got to be a less heinous looking way of vacuuming fat out of someone's ass and thighs. Seriously. It's the sickest thing ever. The repeated jabbing of a metal tube into human flesh is enough to make me look away and wait for the rhinoplasty to begin. The real reason I watch the show, besides seeing the plastic surgeons get really excited about cutting people up, is to see the before and after stuff at the very end. Oh yeah, and the post-op recovery footage is pretty sweet too... the ladies look like they've been beaten with baseball bats. I'm willing to suffer through hot wax or the occasional razor burn, but damn. You couldn't pay me enough money to be on that show.

One More Thing...

I had Jason at Bishop's on Hawthorne cut my hair this past weekend. It's been called "spunky," "sexy," and "really cute." I don't know about any of that, but it's nice to have it off my neck again.

Honey, I'm Home...

Got back from spending the night in Eugene a little bit ago and while I had a good time with my folks, it's nice to be home. My mom and I shopped ourselves silly (who knew I'd find more stuff on one shopping trip in frickin' Eugene than I have here in P-town in the last few months?) and I got to have a Dutch Baby and bacon for breakfast. Sweet.

So, check it out: I got picked to be in the finals of The Mentor over at Chris Magazine! And I'm the only girl! Hell yeah! Wait......now that I think about it, I don't actually know how many applicants there were. I mean, there were three finalists picked, but maybe there were only three applicants.... D'oh. Ah well, my first task is to make up a drinking game for a tv show. This is going to require some research....who's up for some drinking and tv watching?

Rock Blocks And Words Of Wisdom From Nina Zero

Last night, we decided it was going to be a rock block night at the bar. For those of you not hip to the karaoke lingo, that means you pick an artist and then each person at your table picks a different song by that artist to sing when it's their turn. Basically, you end up having 3, 4, etc. songs in a row by the same artist. It's entertaining and kinda interesting to hear how each person sings the same band's stuff. We did U2, Journey, Britney Spears, Billy Joel, George Michael and The Beatles. Good times.

However, after last night, I have the following words of wisdom: "Do not shoot Maker's Mark. Not even if the guy buying is cute and you have a huge crush on him. It's really 'not good.'"

It's Only Wednesday? Damn it!

Last night was interesting... if you're at the bar tonight, I'll tell you the details. However, today I spent about five hours thinking it was Thursday. What the crap? I think it had something to do with how many times people kept saying "Wednesday" last night (a billion) instead of saying "tomorrow." Damn people. Anyway, I've since gotten on board with the whole today being Wednesday thing. Thank you for your support during the difficult transition period.

A Year And Two Months Later...

I got my one year anniversary service award from my company yesterday. What this entitles me to is one day off with pay. I'm taking this coming Monday off so I can go see my folks in Eugene Sunday and Monday. My mom's birthday is tomorrow (she's going to be an official "senior citizen!" Ooo, aaahh!) and it'll be nice to get out of Portland for a night and relax with the 'rents.

In other news, No Doubt and Blink 182 are coming on June 17th and I want to go. If you feel like taking me, holla...

This Is Getting Ridiculous.

Last night, Owen (one of the few old friends from college I still see and hang out with) came over to see the new apartment and hang out for a bit. Everything was fine and normal until the "birthday debacle" came up (I don't remember who brought it up or why, so there can be no fingers pointed)... We both turned 30 this year, about a month apart, and I didn't go to his birthday party. As a consequence, he didn't come to mine. I hadn't really given it much thought until he let me know last night that it really upset him. He said it bothered him that I would go hang out with someone I didn't know very well in the general scheme of things rather than go to his birthday party, which he'd made a point of giving me advance notice about. As I hadn't thought about it until it was brought up last night, I didn't really have anything to say about it as far as feeling remorse goes. I explained that I could see how it would upset him that I, who has a flawless track record when it comes to following through on what I say I'll do, bailed on him, but over the course of the last 12 years, he's done it to me hundreds of times and I haven't ever said one word about it. I said I couldn't understand how he would make such a big deal about one incident when I've let hundreds go over the course of our relationship. The conversation shifted and turned into a big, ugly, crying mess... She said: "I got tired of being hurt so I stopped caring about the little, insignificant crap..."....."What are you holding on to here? I'm obviously just a source of guilt and torment for you..."....."Go ahead, you've walked away me hundreds of times so I'm used to it..."...."I'm tired of having to remind you that I care about you...I don't have to do this with anyone else and it's getting old." He said: "I guess I thought our relationship was as important to you as it is to me, but apparently not..."....."You just said I can't hurt you anymore and that you don't care about me..."....."I almost walked out of here thinking that was it and we were just done..."...."Maybe I'm just too stupid to get it." Guh. You'd think I was fighting with a boyfriend or something.

Eventually, I decided I was done talking and said I was going to bed. He looked like he was going to cry, which would have made me feel a little better as I'd spent the previous 20 minutes crying and he was just looking at me like I'd lost my mind. He mumbled something about it being nice to see me and we both raised a pathetic hand acknowledging his departure. I locked the door behind him and crawled into bed.

That was bullshit. And because of it, I'm wiped out today. I fully acknowledge that relationships aren't easy, but I'll be damned if they're supposed to be that hard.

More Scientific Stuff

Pop Rocks are weird. Take a bunch of sugar, three different kinds of acid and some artificial flavor and color, processed with carbon dioxide, and presto! Pop Rocks. I want to know who dared whom to put this stuff in their mouth when the science guys were sitting around trying to come up with a new candy craze. Seriously, it would have had to've been a dare. I can't even believe I'm eating it right now. If you accidentally swallow before the stuff is done popping, it really doesn't feel that great in your throat. The lollipop that comes with it has stained my tongue blue, which I'm sure looks extra special, and the sour apple flavor never really turns from sour to apple. It's just sour. I'd like to stop eating it, but for some sick reason, I can't. What the ingredients list fails to mention is the copious amounts of heroin in this stuff.

How old am I again?

This Program Is Brought To You By The Letters D, O And H and The Number 3

Oh, the shame. I sang "Genie In A Bottle" last night and I liked it. I even asked two of my friends to sing other Christina Aguilera songs before and after me so we could do a "pop block." What the hell is wrong with me?

~And for our Spanish speaking readers:

Oh, la vergüenza. Canté el "Genie en un Bottle" el ayer por la noche y yo tuvimos gusto de él. Incluso pedí que dos de mis amigos me cantaran a otras canciones de Christina Aguilera antes y después así que podríamos hacer un "pop block." ¿Cuál el infierno es incorrecto con mí?

Reality TV Has Taken Over My Brain

I had the weirdest dream last night. I had just seen myself in the mirror for the first time after the 3 month program for The Swan when a limo pulled up and took me to the estate that I was supposed to pretend belonged to me ala Joe Millionaire. But it turns out it actually belongs to some relatives of mine and there is a restaurant on the property that belongs to my great aunt and uncle. I'm there to be The Bachelorette, the manager of the restaurant is Nick from The Apprentice, the head chef is Rocco from The Restaurant, they're both adorable and competing for my attention and I'm supposed to decide whether to pick Nick or Rocco to have dinner with my family and friends and start some whirlwind romance with...so I go to this long dinner table in a private back room where everyone was waiting and ask my great aunt for advice. At this point, Nick walks in, completely disheveled and I don't even recognize him at first, with some guy named Derek who apologizes for being an uninvited guest and asks how I ended up at the restaurant. I turn to say something to Nick, whom I'd decided was my dream guy but magically disappeared, and then tell Derek that my great aunt and uncle own the place, flash my newly veneered smile at him and run out to try to find Nick. Turns out that he had to go back to New Jersey for some kind of emergency and may not be coming back and I didn't even get to say goodbye....at which point I woke up, tried to fall back to sleep really quick so I could get back into the dream, fly off to New Jersey and catch Nick, but only ended up dreaming that I was driving around the property in a really fast car through an obsticle course trying to find the exit so I could go on to the second day where I'd have to eat something really nasty. Guh. Stupid TV.

Scientific Evidence That Social Interaction Has Healing Effect

1.) I went out tonight after staying home for five days straight.

2.) I feel 100% better.

3.) Don't mess with science.

No, You're Fired.

Since I'm bound and determined to stay home again tonight (thereby winning the bet with the Airborne Express guy and getting nothing other than the satisfaction of saying, "I did it, sucker!"), I'm gonna watch the final episode of The Apprentice. My prediction is that Kwame will get fired and run crying into the arms of his best friend Troy. Then Omarosa will come back and get fired again. And finally, Bill will sail off into the sunset with Donald Trump on one of his private yachts where they will live happily ever after...until The Donald gets sick of him (which I predict will be exactly three days and five hours after the yacht leaves the dock) and fires his sorry ass too. Gotta love "reality" tv.

Zyrtec Is My Friend

Thanks to a merciful co-worker who knew that I'd taken the last of my stash of Zyrtec on Sunday and have been suffering ever since, my eyes have stopped watering, my nose has stopped running and the weight on my chest has started to lift. If things keep up like this, I'll be back to my normal routine of singing and drinking by Friday. I haven't been at the bar since Saturday night and, other than to work and the laundrymat, I haven't been out of my apartment since Sunday. This is making me crazy. Not so much the not drinking part and not so much the not singing part but mostly the not being somewhere other than work or my apartment part. The Airborne Express guy who delivers stuff to our office all the time actually bet me that I'd be out before Friday night. He said he can't believe that I'm planning to stay home tonight and tomorrow night. He thinks I'll break down and go out even if I don't feel better. I'll show him. Ok, so I'll be dying to go out by tomorrow night and calling everyone I know to come over and entertain me...so what? By Friday, I'll be content just hanging out on the corner with the old guy who plays the accordion for spare change. So what? I will stay home tonight and tomorrow night, dammit. Even if it kills me...

Wow, that was totally the Zyrtec talking.

Something About Hell And Fury And A Woman Scorned

I'm sick. Again. Seems like I've been sick fairly regularly since I got mono last year and I'm getting tired of it. I'm mentioning this now because I'm probably going to rant for a day or three and I want to precurse it by saying my normally limitless patience has been cut extremely short by my head cold so forgive my bitchiness. For now, I'm only going to say that 1.) I'm done being nice to people who don't deserve it and 2.) people can do whatever the hell they want, but unless they're prepared to hear what I think about it, they shouldn't be around me.

Sometimes I Am Just Not A Nice Person.

Last night I said some stuff that I probably should have kept to myself. In my constant effort to be honest, I failed to be nice or tactful and now I feel crappy about it. I'd like to say I was justified because I would rather be called out about my behavior from a friend rather than through the grapevine as random gossip, but in the end, it's not my place to say what I said and I came off looking like a bitch anyway. *sigh* When I'm quiet and watch people, I end up seeing things that I really wish I didn't see.

I Don't Know If I Should Be Flattered Or Offended...

The following showed up in my inbox today:

Hi,
I noticed you're from Portland via a Yahoo member search (aati_bo_baati). You are a strikingly beautiful woman. I am a 38 year old married, white, professional, clean cut and passionate male, from Beaverton. I am looking for someone to get to know and potentially please on a semi-regular basis. I have pics I can send if you like. Please let me know if you might be interested and we can get to know each other a little bit. My email address is regardless30@yahoo.com and you can also IM me on AIM under the name Regardless30. No strings - just fun.

Sweet dreams,
Dave

This is just an example of how bizarre my world is, people. A word to the wise: unless someone specifically writes "I'm into having affairs with married men" in their Yahoo profile, it's probably a good bet that they aren't.

You Can't Hear Me, But I'm Screaming On The Inside.

Right this minute, I wish I was anywhere but here. This office is killing my will to live.

You Look So Fine And I Really Wanna Make You Mine...

For starters, I can't get enough of that Jet song "Are You Gonna Be My Girl"... If I had the album, it'd be on repeat right now.

It was warm enough all weekend to wear a skirt during the day and wander around Saturday market. On a whim, I went and asked the friend I have a crush on if he wanted to have lunch with me, for which I'm quite proud of myself because I'm usually a wuss about that stuff. After he went back to work, I went to see Hellboy with Jason and Arthur and shortly thereafter decided I need to become pyrokinetic so I could have blue flame come out of my fingers... Jason quickly convinced me that it might be dangerous and I should just forget it. So I went home to change into warmer clothes and headed back downtown to meet up at the bar for the new Saturday night XV field trip with some of the girls. We decided the week before that we'd make it a regular Saturday thing and it's been nice to go somewhere other than the bar for awhile.

I got home Sunday around 1pm (crashed on Brad and Clarissa's couch at 5:30am...d'oh.) and decided it was going to be a "lay around and do as little as possible" day so I soaked in the tub for awhile and then put a towel on my wet hair, a robe on my body, a mud mask on my face, some cheese, salami and crackers on a plate and parked it on the couch to watch Buffy reruns. So nice! I eventually got motivated to get dressed and head down to the bar with my roommate, but didn't stay too late because I felt like I must have gotten a little bit of sun on my cheeks the day before and my eyes were bothering me... fun crowd there Sunday night, though.

I stayed home last night, which has become the trend since Darryl and I stopped seeing each other, and watched Fear Factor and part of the Average Joe finale. I can't figure out why all those girls were so interested in Adam.... I'm sure he's a good guy but after watching the show for about 45 minutes, I was already bored and didn't find him the least bit attractive. Gawd, maybe that attitude is exactly why I'm still single...

You Give Love A Bad Name...Yes, I Do Mean You.

I don't even know why I'm awake right now. I haven't been sleeping well again for the past few nights and I don't have a good reason why. Could just be that I'm needing less and less sleep. I don't like that reason, though...I like sleeping all day.

Last night, I spent most of the evening being quiet and watching people and listening to conversations around me (like I used to before I started to get to know everyone who works and hangs out at the bar) and I was reminded of why I didn't talk much in the first place. I really don't like most people. Seriously. And the only reason most people like me is because I listen while they do all the talking. Most people find themselves far more interesting than I will ever be and it's far less effort to just sit and be quiet than to compete for attention. When I'm in a funk, that's about all the energy I can muster for social interaction. I've gotta save the rest of it up for my 3 1/2 minutes of time in the spotlight while I sing Bon Jovi. Outside of that 3.5 minutes, I really wasn't feeling the love. In fact, aside from my chat with Jordan, I could have been invisible.

Once A Fool, Always A Fool

The truth is....I miss you.

No Rest For The Wicked

I fell asleep on the couch around 6:30 yesterday and didn't wake up until almost 9...at which point, I went into my room and crawled into bed. Next thing I know, it's 3am and I'm wide awake, tossing and turning and just not able to get comfortable. Usually when I can't sleep, I take a hot bath or shower and then go back to bed. So I did. I managed to fall back to sleep, but kept waking up every hour or so until my alarm went off at 7:45. This is why I should not take naps....or think.

The weekend was good...weird at times (Friday night), but good overall. Tonight may be a Dante's night.

Old Crush Revisited

Ah, crushes. Crushes have gone both ways for me: awful, gut-wrenching pipe dreams and sweet, mutual attractions that turn into something great. I'm hoping this one turns out to be the latter because we're already friends. I have always said it's far better (for me, at least) to be friends with someone before you get into a relationship with them, partly because the relationship will then have a solid base and partly because if it doesn't work out and you're actually friends, things can end amicably. I just know that it's nice to be interested in someone nice for a change. I'm sick of being treated like I'm not worth the effort.

Whisper In My Ear

"I wish I could make things better, I really do..." It doesn't make any sense, but I believe him.

Stupid, Stupid, Stupid

I need new clothes for spring. It's getting too warm in this office to keep wearing two layers. This skirt is bugging the hell out of me and the knee socks I have on under it keep sliding down. Grrr...

I'm staying home tonight and hopefully watching a movie. Any distraction will do at this point. I also have to go grocery shopping tonight. I'm getting sick of tuna and cottage cheese. I'm getting sick of a lot of things, actually. Maybe I'm just getting sick.

I need a hair cut. I need a date. I need to see that zombie movie. I need to finish decorating our apartment. I need a vacation.

Eternal Sunshine Vetoed Dawn Of The Dead

So instead of seeing the zombie flick, Nikki and I opted for the new Jim Carrey/Kate Winslet movie. We both agreed that no matter how heinous anyone was to us, we would never want to delete them from our memories. Interesting story lines, casting for the secondary characters was a little off, but it was all around a good movie. Also, I wish I had a job where I could dress and have hair like Kate Winslet's character because if I did, I so would...

Sushi, The Law, and Zombies

Last night, my whole office went to the Portland City Grill for dinner (paid for by the company for acheiving a goal set about a month ago) and between drinks, sushi and a vanilla bean creme brulee for dessert, I felt like I made the most of the company's money. Good food and drinks are always nice, but free good food and drinks are awesome.

I went straight from the restaurant to the bar, meaning I still had a black suit on from work, and Brad says, "So you're a lawyer now?" to which I responded, "Yes, yes I am." Later he asked if he could talk to me seriously for a sec and proceeds to make up a story about how he needs representation and he did, in fact, do it, but could I get him off.... I said he may not know it, but I've never been defeated in court and since I've watched a lot of Law & Order, I'm pretty confident in my litigation abilities. As I was leaving, after singing my new favorite Bon Jovi song, I told Brad I had to go research a case down at the law library but I'd probably come by after I was done today. Remind me not to go straight from work to the bar again.

Now I'm off to see Dawn Of The Dead... gotta love zombie movies.

Boys Are Mean.

I could write volumes on this topic but that would be a waste of time and wouldn't change anything. Suffice it to say that being mean to nice girls like me will eventually come back and bite you in the ass (and I don't mean in a fun, playful way).

My Thumb Hurts, My Head Hurts, And My Heart Hurts. Great.

I guess I'm going out tonight. If you see me, hug me or kiss me...I need it.

And Now For Something Completely Different...

Tonight is the first night in about two weeks that I'm staying home. It's not even 8 and already I'm remembering why I go out all the time. I haven't felt much like being alone lately. When I am, I end up thinking about ridiculous things like how much I miss just cuddling up on the couch with someone and watching a movie together. I'm happy enough on my own. I'm independent and don't need to be with anyone. The thing is, I want to be... I miss having a best friend. I miss holding hands. I miss being kissed just before I fall asleep. I miss all of it. So, it's become clear to me that I go out all the time so I don't have to think about it. I can pretend I'm untouchable and don't care about anything if I drink enough and sing enough and listen to people's stories and laugh even when I don't feel like laughing. Here, at home, it's quiet and all I hear is my own annoying head voice reminding me that I'm alone and there's nothing loud enough in this room to drown it out.

While We're On The Topic Of Food...

I've been eating meat like there's no tomorrow. Can't get enough bacon, I've been craving beef jerky, and bbq chicken sounds so tasty right now. We don't have anywhere to bbq, but Lara has a George Foreman grill and come Friday when I get paid again, I'm coming home from work and going straight to Freddy's to get a flank steak. I'm not sure what the hell happened to me but the next time my folks come up, I'm suggesting that we go to Morton's for dinner.

I've also been wanting to cook more, which is crazy since our kitchen is so small. I want to make stir-fry and steamed rice and grill some fish and I need to stop now because I'm making myself really hungry and none of that stuff is here to make. Sonofa...

I'm In Avocado Heaven.

Just came back from the store with two ripe avocados and oh my gawd are they good. Any fruit or vegetable that you can just cut in half and scoop out with a spoon rules. Jesus, I'm lazy.

It's Like I'm Not Even Myself

If I could find a way to bottle up and save the way I feel when I'm singing at the bar for whenever I feel like I do right now, I'd be a whole lot happier. And I'd be rich 'cause I'd sell that shit on the black market and make millions.

The last few days have been interesting...ok, maybe not to you, but they have been for me. Out of 30ish people, I was the only one who got hurt bowling on Thursday (happens everytime...freaky thumbnail injury...stupid, really), I had my annual review at work on Friday and got a raise with a promise from my boss that she'd go to bat for me with the regional manager for a more substantial pay scale increase and title change, I tried Cold Stone ice cream yesterday (coffee and cake batter ice cream with carmel and marshmellow swirled in...tasty!) and then took a three hour nap on the couch before heading down to the bar and finally, some random guy named Jay approached me while I was waiting for the bus to go home, told me I looked sad and asked if someone had said or done something to me to make me upset... when I said I was fine, he said he hoped so because I'm too pretty for anyone to treat me bad. Guh. I can't even explain how happy I was to get home, close my door and crawl into bed last night.

It's shower time.

Lunch Time Poll

Ok, say you have 24 hours until the world comes to an end and you win a million dollars, what do you do with your last 24 hours? Wait, no, that's the poll from the movie "Heathers." OK, how about this: If you could only listen to one mixed cd for the rest of your life, what 10 bands and songs would be on it? Make your decisions carefully, people...this is for the yearbook.

Cream Cheese Makes Everything Better...Well, Almost Everything.

I was out of mayo for my tuna salad yesterday so I used cream cheese instead and it's SOOO good! It's totally cream cheese for me from now on. Tasty!

Can't decide if I want to stay home tonight and watch a movie or go out again. I've been out every night for a week and I'm still having fun but if I'm feeling like I do now (read: ferocious cramps), maybe it's better if I stay home. I'm begging and pleading for the Aleve I took awhile ago to last for a few hours once it kicks in. I can honestly say I'd prefer being woken up at 4am by most anything other than cramps. You guys have no idea what you're missing and you should be happy to keep it that way.

What Price For Clean Clothes?

Went to do laundry up the street with my roommate yesterday and while the washers were running, we decided to walk down to Fred Meyer to pick up dryer sheets and a new laundry bag. When we got back, all of our stuff was done except one load of my clothes....which was still running the pre-wash cycle and hadn't made any progress at all. This place has both top loading and front loading washers and I had enough laundry to need four machines, so I used two of each. The front loading machines require that you lock your clothes in before it will start. Needless to say, once you start the load, you can't unlock the door without a key. So, basically, the machine was holding my clothes hostage and giving them the old water torture treatment. My Superman pajamas were not happy. About 1/2 hour after I called the guy who runs the place, he showed up and couldn't seem to get the door to open....didn't have the right key or something. D'oh. Finally, he took the whole front panel off and disengaged the door with a screwdriver. I moved my soaked clothes to a top loading (and non-locking) washer and he gave me my $1.25 back to run the other machine. When I went to move the clothes around to the other side of the room where the top loaders were, he asked if I just wanted to move the clothes into the front loader next to the one he took apart. Yeah, right. No way, dude. Your machines have tortured my clothes enough, thankyouverymuch. Top loading washers only from now on. I can't wait until they put a washer and dryer into our building.

Heading out to see Luke's new house and do the baby shower thing tonight. Not sure how I'm getting there yet, but it'll be nice to see everyone outside of the usual hangout. Also, I'm back to work today after a five day hiatus. I've realized in the last few days how much I like waking up when I'm done sleeping as opposed to waking up to an alarm. Other than that, the day is going well and I was apparently missed here. When I got in this morning, my bosses both bowed down before me and did the whole thank-god-you're-back thing. Cracked me up but made me feel pretty good... I didn't want to bring it up this morning, but when I'm gone for two weeks in September, they're gonna hate it. Ha.

I Want A Donut

After getting up this morning and putting our living room back in order, I came back into my room to write a post for the day but ended up sorting things out via instant messenger with D. After tonight at the bar, I think things are better and this makes me happy. However, now I want an apple fritter. Damn it.

About Last Night

So many things I want to say about last night...but, in the interest of time, I'll save the unkind words for later and just mention the good stuff first. The dress was good, the presents were great, and I was happy to have my family there. My sister cracked me up all night and near the end of the evening, we finally got her up to sing with me. The cherry crunch my mom made went over really well with the party people and there was even some left over for me to have later today. All in all, it was a good birthday.

If I could have changed one thing about last night it would be that D would have just come over and said hi and sat with us, at least for a little while. I didn't know that when he took away the non-relationship, he'd also take away the friendship. I'm so tired of being unsure how to act or what to say or not say. I just want my friend back. If that's not going to happen, then I need to stop going to the bar because this is making me sick.

Go Go Go Me, It's My Birthday

In two hours, my parents and sister will be here to take me out and about for the day. We're going to Todai for dinner, coming back here so I can change into the kickass dress I bought for tonight and then it's off the the bar for yet another night of singing and drinking. Yay!

I'd like to add a digital camera to my birthday wish list, but I'm afraid it's probably too late and I've already got the three of the seven things on the list spoken for, so I'm not holding my breath for anything else. In case you're wondering, I did not get a Vespa, dresser, messenger bag or cute boy. I'm not expecting the first three and there's only one boy I would want to make out with, but he's otherwise occupied this evening, so I'm taking that option for gift giving off the list. Also, my boss did in fact give me a bottle of tequila from her trip to Mexico for my birthday. That is damn cool.

Ok, back to watching tv...I mean HBO.

To Wish Impossible Things...

I may have mentioned this before but my birthday is a mere 25.5 hours away and the following is my birthday wish list:

1. A sparkly pink Vespa w/a matching helmet.
2. A tall red dresser from IKEA.
3. The green and black messenger bag I saw in the window of Greg's about a week ago.
4. Mixed cds made by friends.
5. Songs picked and sung special for me at my birthday party Wednesday night.
6. A cute boy who likes me to make out with after my birthday party Wednesday night.
7. Not to wake up hungover after my birthday party Wednesday night.

Addiction Is A Bitch

So, now that I'm wide awake at 1:37 in the morning, I want to watch the rest of the first season of Carnivale but can't because I don't have it. This makes me sad. Yes, I'm talking to you.

Can't Sleep

Tonight was weird. I was hanging out for most of the night with some friends at the bar, one of whom's twin brother was in town for the weekend and was cracking me up, and as soon as they left, I walked over to get another beer and got into a conversation with the British guy, who a few minutes later asked me if I wanted to have sex with him. Of course, I said no....actually what I said was, "Um, no...I'm not the kind of girl that goes home with boys like you." I'd seen two very friendly girls talking him up not five minutes before and was kinda of surprised he didn't leave with them. When I asked how it worked that he'd pass up a two-for-the-price-of-one deal but wanted to sleep with me, the explaination I got was that there are lots of girls he "could" have sex with, but there are only certain girls he "wants" to have sex with... evidently, I fall into the latter category. That's great. Go me.

All I can say is this is proof that I don't just hook up with random people.

He Should Have Just Left My Shit At The Bar.

Guh. After being treated like I'm invisible for the last couple of weeks, a hollow attempt at acting like he gives a shit means nothing to me. In fact, it made me feel horrible. I just don't understand what I did to deserve this.

Just Don't know What To Do With Myself

I decided to be responsible and stay home tonight. I'm drinking lemon tea and going to bed early. I stayed in bed most of the day, watched the first three episodes of Carnivale, and got up only to make food for myself and take a shower when I finally couldn't stand laying here anymore. Obviously, I can take care of myself but when I'm sick, I wish I didn't have to...

Down With The Sickness

I was in denial about the scratchy throat yesterday during my training class and sort of blaming the smoke at the bar last night but this morning when my alarm went off, I felt like shit and called in sick. Guh. Listerine for the throat, Nyquil for everything else and a hot bath to steam the hell out of my sinuses are all on the agenda today. I have to go to work tomorrow because the folks who weren't in the class with me Monday and Tuesday are going on Thursday and Friday and the only other people who'll be in the office are still fairly new. This sucks. And I'm supposed to go to the bar tonight to pick up the shirts Shauna borrowed once upon a time, but all I really want to do is lay here and not be sick tomorrow.

Chinese Food, Reality TV and My Birthday Festivities

Seven Stars. Sweet and sour chicken, spring rolls, steamed rice. Hell yeah.

Got home tonight after hanging out with Shauna around 9:30ish, just in time to watch the last half of the tv show about the obnoxious fiancee. That was good stuff. I don't watch a whole lot of tv but for some reason, stuff like that sucks me in. Same deal with Fear Factor. I'd be on that show in a heartbeat. I don't know what it is about the prospect of doing mildly dangerous and potentially disgusting stuff that gets me going, but I love the idea of doing the challenges on that show. I don't get freaked out about random creatures crawling on me, heights, water, eating sick stuff, falling off of anything wearing a harness or anything else they've done on that show. Wait, I take that back... they did a naked models on a runway thing and I wouldn't do that, but everything else I'd do for 50 grand. So sign me up...

In other news, my birthday is next week and you have plenty of options available to you for celebrating the day I was born. First there's the pre-birthday Hawthorne bar crawl on Tuesday, March 2nd. If you're interested in hopping the bars from Imbibe up to the Space Room with us, let me know and I'll give you the details. I'm guessing we'll stop in here at the casa for a shot of tequila, courtesy of my boss who is currently in Mexico and will be bringing me back a bottle, so if you haven't stopped by our apartment to say hi and check it out, come on up. Then there's my actual birthday on Wednesday, March 3rd. We're heading down to the Boiler Room around 9ish, people are encouraged to dress up and the party will go on until I say when....probably right around the time the bar closes or I pass out, whichever comes first. I'll be sleeping late the rest of the week (I took my birthday and the following two days off for a five day weekend) and out all of the following nights, so don't laugh when I collapse on Sunday. Weee!

Remind Me Not To Do That Again

I looked at myself in the mirror before we left the house last night and, for the tenth time, almost went back into my room and changed. I'd decided to test my roomie's philosophy of dolling up the exterior to adjust the attitude of the interior... also known as looking hot when you feel like shit. Overall, my outfit wasn't anything different than what I normally wear: long black skirt, black boots, black t-shirt and a pink sweater. The only difference was the t-shirt's plunging neckline that showed off my "charm and charisma." At this point, I'd like to remind people that I am, in fact, a girl. Honestly, people, they're just boobs. Who cares. Anyway, needless to say, I knew somebody was going to say something and I was fine with that. In fact, I wanted the compliments...I wanted to hear that I looked good and attractive and feminine. What I didn't expect was the very uncomfortable feeling that came along with the comments from people I didn't even know. I remembered about ten minutes after I walked into the bar why I don't wear stuff like that very often. I felt like the normal, nice girl I usually am had become the subject of a science experiment gone awry and all that was left of me was a giant walking set of tits. And while I sat on the window ledge talking to Brad and Lara, it struck me why I was uncomfortable: even now, two years after I lost all that weight, I'm mentally still in fat girl mode. I still hear that voice on the phone from 3 years back saying, "You're really nice and I think you're cool, but I'm not into big girls." I still remember the day that I overheard a friend of a friend saying, "She's got a pretty face...if she wasn't a fat chick, I'd totally do her."

I dunno. All I can say is that it'll probably be awhile before I let "the girls" out again in public. I guess I'm not a big fan of being "treated like a girl."

I Don't Want To Be Me Today

All the questions and phone calls and responsibilities that have been forced on me are making my head ache. I have money again and I'm going to the bar early tonight. But the first thing I want to do when I leave this place is step into a hot shower and wash away everything that makes my eyes burn and head hurt and that probably includes you. I want to feel something other than ugly and stepped on and taken for granted. I don't care today if you love me or not. Today my heart aches for all that it's given and not gotten in return. Today I want to be given what I never expect. I want to be kissed because I'm nice, not in spite of the fact. I want a fucking moment.

I Spent Last Night Dreaming Of Your Eyes...

*Harry Connick, Jr. has the sweetest voice...I love "Dream Of You"*

Things are coming together nicely at casa de Lara and Tiff...just got the crap I had left in boxes in the living room up into the storage cabinets last night and it made a big difference as far as walking space goes. With the exception of a dresser to put my clothes in, I've got my room all organized. The only thing left to do in there at this point is put up the pictures and stuff on the walls. It amazes me how much I can get done if I just go to it right when I get home from work and don't slip out of work mode.

I get my commission check tomorrow and hopefully my taxes will get deposited then too, so I'll be able to go out tomorrow night guilt-free. I can't wait until next month when I go back to getting my whole paycheck every two weeks and don't have to stress out about going out and whether or not I'll have enough money to get to and from work. Ooh, and shopping...I haven't been shopping in ages. Guh. I hate not having money.

In other news, I think I'm getting two free tickets to the Blazer game this Saturday night and dinner passes to the restaurant at the Rose Garden. Dunno what the hell I'm going to do with the other ticket, but I'm excited about seeing the game...

Last Night, She Said, "Oh Baby I Feel So Down..."

I swear to god, one day I will stop giving a shit about people. Ok, I know, that's total crap. I'm never going to stop caring. I've heard a million times that I'm too nice...so what if I'm nice? I'll keep being nice and keep caring and I'm not changing that for anyone. I'll keep trying to get to know and understand people because I do give a damn. Got a problem with that? No? I didn't think so. Punk.

Going For Broke

Last night was really nice....Guy called and came over to see the new place and took me for pizza downstairs just to catch up and hang for a bit. What a sweetie. If he picks up and moves out of the state like he's thinking about doing, I'll miss him...

After he took off, I ran a hot bath and I can not even begin to explain how needed that was. Once I was good and pruny, I put on my Superman pajamas, crawled into bed and read for awhile before I fell asleep. It was good to have some time to myself. I have to say, I love living with Lara....I have a great time with her when we do hang out, but we both have our own stuff going on so we get time to ourselves. I love that.

Today, I get to sort through some more books and see what I'm willing to give up to Powell's for some extra cash. I know I mentioned this before, but I'm ridiculously broke until Friday, so hopefully I'll be able to get enough cash to allow me to eat and socialize for the next few days. It wouldn't hurt me to clean out my closet either, just to see if there's anything the Red Light or Buffalo Exchange will take. Having all of those places so close makes my life sooo much easier.

One way or another, I'm gonna be at the bar for a bit tonight. Woo.

Never Thought I'd Say I Like Mondays

For the last two months, I haven't been going out on Monday nights. It's pretty much become the only night I don't go out and it's been nice to just curl up on the couch in pajamas and watch tv or a movie and relax. Plus, I'm broke this week anyway, so I'll be hanging out at home and I'm not opposed to company.

In retrospect, I realize I actually had an overall good weekend. Saturday I slept in, got my hair cut, got a slice of pizza at the Oasis Cafe, went and saw 50 First Dates with Jason and Nikki, hung out with Jason at my place and watched Breakin' until we headed down to the bar, apparently sang well, got to hang out with most of the people I care about and finally crashed at 4am. If you make a list of the good things that happened, it's hard to be grumpy about Valentine's Day. On Sunday, Lara and I hauled our clothes to the laundrymat up the street and had lunch at No Fish, Go Fish while we waited for our wash to be done. When we got back to the apartment, I tackled the huge pile of clothes that had taken over my bedroom floor and got organized. By the time I was done, I had enough time to check my e-mail and put on a sweater before we headed down to the bar. I was wiped out so I only stayed until midnight, which was just long enough to sing a couple songs, chat with Dan and catch my bus home. I started to fall asleep the minute the bus started moving... and I dreamed about standing at the end of the bar on Saturday night, looking up from my drink into blue eyes and a grin... then my stop was called and I stepped off the bus. Two minutes later, I was asleep in my bed. Definitely a good weekend.

Mercy Kiss

There are moments when my world feels very surreal. Last night, I had many of those moments. I think it boiled down to an external stimulus overload...too much input all at once, coming at me from all sides. Everywhere I looked, I felt pressure to be something or feel something or....something. Some nights I could chalk that up to alcohol, but that wasn't the case last night. Things were just weird.

Also, I wanted to make out last night and I didn't get to, so that was kinda sucky. Just saying.

Who Loves Ya, Baby?

It's Valentine's Day. If at all possible, you should make out today. In fact, you should make out everyday, but especially today. Because the chances of me getting to make out today are slim. Not non-existent, mind you, but slim. So go out into the world and find someone who makes you say, "Oh god" or "How do you do that when I'm not expecting it?" and get yourself some action.

Karma.

Suffice it to say that yesterday was a good day from beginning to end.

And It Wasn't Even My Birthday...

After taking 1/2 a vicodin earlier in the day and then another 1/2 when I got home from work, I still felt like someone had scraped my insides with a coat hanger. I took two Aleve before we left for the bar and reminded myself not to drink any alcohol when we got there. It was a slow Tuesday, mostly just regulars and two small groups of random people who danced to almost every song we sang. By the time everything I'd taken finally kicked in, I'd had two glasses of water, said very little to anyone and finally felt no pain. In fact, by that point, I felt nothing. Yesterday's decision to go back to hiding in the corner and not talking proved to be a force of nature rather than a choice as I was having difficulty focusing on any one thing all night. I hated being so scatter-brained but everytime I opened my mouth to say something, the words came out sloppy and felt foreign. At one point, I actually said to Lara, "I'm remembering you to drink more water" instead of what I meant to say, "I'm reminding you..." I had more than one person ask me how the water I'd been drinking all night was treating me and did I want a beer or something. When I responded with, "I can't...I took some Vicodin earlier and it wouldn't be a good idea," the looks I got made me a little uncomfortable and I wasn't in the mood to explain why I'd had to take the stupid pills in the first place. "Yeah, that's it," I thought, "I'm a Vicodin addict and I'm finally so cracked out that I'm just blurting it out....god, you people don't know me at all." In retrospect, I know that the questions were asked out of concern for my well-being and I'm just glad that I chose not to talk about it rather than vocalize my defensive thoughts.

Today, I'm better but not great. I'm sticking to Aleve for the next two days and if I'm good about remembering to take them before the previous ones wear off, I'll be fine by tomorrow. Tonight, I sing.

Go, Go, Go Shorty...

It's my new roomie's birthday today, so come on down to the Boiler Room tonight and sing her a song and buy her a drink. The party people will be there, so just do it.

It was really nice to stay in last night with Lara and Jason. I've missed veging on the couch in front of the tv and I needed the break from drinking and the bar. Ok, I actually needed a break from the stupid drama at the bar. People just need to relax and, to quote the Beastie Boys, "Let it flow, let yourself go, slow and low, that is the tempo." Yes, that includes me. I know, ok. A kiss is just a kiss....blah, blah, blah. If I just go back to hiding in the corner, not talking to anyone, that would probably be the best thing for everyone.

For Future Reference

I don't remember the first time someone I know told me they read this thing, but for as many times as it's happened since, it still surprises me. Two years into it, I write knowing that people will read it but the only reason I started this thing in the first place was to keep me honest with myself. I know that if people want to come looking for it, it's easy to find (Google search me or find me on Friendster). And, obviously, I have nothing to hide or I wouldn't write my life out for the world to read. The only messed up part about blogging is the potential for someone to read what I write and assume that I feel the way I did when I wrote a particular post all the time. If I go back and read a few months worth of entries, I know I don't come off as the happiest of girls. I write myself as constantly lovelorn and forever self-deprecating. It's true that I'm easily hurt, wear my heart on my sleeve and have mildly retarded tendencies, but in general, I'm ok. I get over being hurt, my heart mends itself over and over and I've actually graduated to driver of the short bus. So I worry sometimes that the sarcasm behind most of what I write doesn't always come through and, while I know that in any sarcastic comment there's an underlying honesty that anyone who knows me would pick up on, the overall perception of my character is only a snapshot of who I actually am.

I'm not really getting to the point of why I started writing this post...rambling is par for the course when I actually have to be serious and come out from behind the cover of jokes and sarcasm. So, just to make a few things crystal clear, I'll get right to it. The following are for those of you who've made assumptions based on what I've written as opposed to what I've said, so pay attention:

1. I am not currently, nor have I ever been, in love with anyone. Smitten? Sure. Crushing on? Absolutely. In love? Sorry, but no.

2. I freely admit when I am hurt and when I am not. If I say I'm over something, then I am, so let it go. I'm stronger emotionally than you give me credit for and if I cry, just know that it's out of frustration rather than hurt.

3. I need you to know that the walls I've built around myself are extremely high. I don't trust 99% of the people I meet, so if I've let you in, it was a choice not a random stupid coincidence. I made a choice to let you get close to me and, as with anyone I don't know very well, I made the choice based on faith....I see qualities in people that make me believe they deserve a chance and if I turn out to be wrong, then so be it. At this point, I deserve that same chance.

4. No matter what, I will always tell the truth. I will not sugar-coat things to spare your feelings because I am a good friend and I expect the same from you.

5. If you know me in the real world and are reading this, chances are pretty high that I care about you and want you to be happy. If I can do something to make that happen, I will.

If there's anything more that needs clarification, ask me. Like I said from the beginning, I have nothing to hide.