My Dreams Are Fucked.

Woke up half teary-eyed in the middle of the night after dreaming that a table of five people, only one of whom I know and would rather not mention, spent their time picking on me and laughing at me and doing their damnedest to make me feel bad for no reason. The one person I do know came over to my table and said he knew I was having a bad time and didn't mean to hurt my feelings but then proceeded to rejoin his table and laugh at me until I was crying. The whole thing felt pretty real and when I woke up, I felt all disoriented for a minute until M asked if I was ok. Guh. Stupid dreams.

A Break From The Squishiness.

M dropped me off at home around 10ish last night after taking me to dinner and a movie. I got up to my front door, put the key in the lock, turned it and started crying. Just like that...for no reason. He'd been asking me if I was ok and what was wrong all night, telling me I looked sad and that he didn't like it when I looked like that, but I didn't have anything to say because nothing was exactly wrong. I have very little to complain about, except the ongoing issue of never having enough money, and I'm happier now than I've been in I don't even know how long. Obviously, there's something eating at me and it has yet to surface. I haven't remembered my dreams lately and there's usually some clarity in the ones I do remember, so I must be holding something back from my conscious mind. I'm so wrapped up in feeling loved and wonderful that I'm blocking out reality maybe...who knows. The crying freaked me out a bit, though. I don't like losing control of my emotions and I definitely don't like thinking there must be something wrong with me that I can't put my finger on. I spent a good half hour questioning everything good in my life last night and that's just not right.

Stuff And Things And Stuff

Christmas was nice with the fam in Eugene and with friends that evening when I got back to Portland. Sunday, after sleeping in until the last possible second, I went with M to his parents' house for brunch with his dad's side of the family. This meant meeting about 20 of his relatives and a white elephant gift exchange. Everyone was welcoming and chatty so, after the first few minutes of anxiety, I felt right at home. The rest of the day was spent napping and stuff and whatever and we eventually got up and headed down the street to meet T & D for dinner at Noodlin' and dessert at Coldstone. I went to bed early and slept like dead. Couldn't have asked for a better holiday weekend.

Happy Holidays

Happy happy, joy joy! I got a digital camera and a stash of fun stuff under the tree and in my stocking... hope everyone else got what they wished for and that their holiday is spent just the way they wanted!

So Glad That's Over.

The dentist wasn't as bad as previous visits had traumatized me into thinking it would be. The whole process started at 3:30 pm, took almost an hour and when I was done, I was told I'd be numb for another two or so hours. I could finally feel the left side of my face at just after 8pm. That was really the worst part, aside from the aching jaw that has carried over into today. Thank gawd for Aleve...and a sweet boy who made a special trip to the store to have Jello and pudding waiting for me since he knew I couldn't eat anything solid last night. Frickin' adorable.

Going to the bar to sing for awhile tonight. Come out and play. Also, totally in love with the Garden State soundtrack at the moment. In love.

So Nice To Hear...

Friday night, the whole office got taken to dinner at the Portland City Grill and a few of us brought dates. This morning, I was bombarded with comments about how great they think M is for me and how much they liked him and how everyone thought we make a cute couple. It's cool to hear that other people see a little of what I see...

I'm Full Of Sappy Stuff And Things

I'm not really a fan of pet names, but I love it that he calls me "sugar." He looks at me like there's no one else in the room. And he took me to work this morning so I wouldn't be late. I've got the warm fuzzies.

Sonofa...

I have to go back to the dentist to have my tooth fixed NEXT WEEK!!! I have to wait a whole frickin' week!!! *sigh* Since it's not hurting me and there's nothing else wrong in my mouth that needs fixing (I take pretty good care of my teeth), they said it didn't need to be fixed right then and as long as I'm not in pain, they'd schedule an appointment for me to come back...NEXT WEEK!! I should have said it was killing me. At least she rounded off the pointy parts and it's not poking my tongue anymore. *grumble grumble*

I'd Like To Take A Moment To Whine...

...about having to go to the dentist today. I don't even know when or how it happened, but I noticed Sunday that a piece of an old filling had disappeared and now there's a small hole in my molar. It's making me crazy and scraping my tongue. I have an appointment to have it looked at today and I can't even begine to explain how much I hate going to the dentist. I've had very few visits that didn't incite tears. The worst part about today's visit is that they said they probably aren't even going to fix it! I think it's only an exam and x-rays today so I'll have to go back! Plus, today is our office holiday potluck and my dentist appointment is right in the middle of lunch so I don't get to eat and socialize with my co-workers. Guh. This seriously sucks. The only thing that would make it better is if they decide to fix it today...at least then I'd get shot up with lidacaine and wouldn't be able to eat anything anyway. Frickin' hell.

I Just Don't Know What To Do With Myself

Another ridiculously good weekend has come and gone. I don't know what the deal is but I'm frickin' happy all the time lately. I can't even say how many times I've tried to step back and do a reality check - I can honestly say I've never had anyone treat me like he does ever - and I'm sorta in shock. I'm so used to giving everything, getting very little in return and forcing myself to be content with that... I catch myself on the verge of happy tears over little things like playing the guitar and singing to me or letting me sleep all day and wake up to find him making me lunch or asking how my day at work went. It's a little overwhelming to have someone care so much about what I want...

I told him a couple weeks ago that I've never told anyone I've dated that I love them. I'm realizing that I never said it for a good reason: no one has ever deserved to hear it from me before now.

He Turns Me To Mush...

I'd like to find words that adequately express how I'm feeling but they all seem to fall short. Suffice it to say that I could fall into those grey eyes of his and I wouldn't want to get back up.

Sleep Is Good.

I watched my all-time favorite movie last night, What A Way To Go, and fell asleep about two minutes after it ended at 9ish. I feel much better today...had the sweetest dreams and good, solid sleep.

Weird Headspace...

I didn't sleep last night. My brain was too busy worrying about things I can't control and that left me sleepless. I'm completely distracted today and it's taking way more effort than usual to get my work done. I've found myself on the verge of tears for no apparent reason other than that the remodeling started and I'm just not myself today. Also, I'm completely crazy about M and that freaks me out a little bit...but in a good way. When I wake up, the first person that pops into my head is him and that thought makes me smile.

Need to sleep soon....

So Ready For Two Days Off...

I'm still sick, in case you're wondering. Took two more Tylenol Flu PMs, slept like dead last night and woke up to the old lady smoker's cough. Gross. Whatever's ailing me is trying to get out and the sooner it's gone, the better. Didn't get Indian food last night, but did get my favorite alfredo sauced pasta w/ Taryn and that hit the spot. The little bit of window shopping we did afterward had me zonked out 5 minutes after I got home. Hopefully I'll get a second wind tonight and be able to socialize a bit...I can just see me getting home and passing out until noon tomorrow. Ooo, and I get to do laundry this weekend at home! They finally put a washer and dryer in our building! I never thought I'd be so happy about doing laundry... Ok, back to the grind. It training day for the new kid and I'm the trainer.

Kill The Cold

I love the cold weather, but I hate being sick. I stayed home from work on Tuesday and slept from 8:30am 'til 3pm and then went back to sleep at 7:30pm, woke up to a phone call at 10pm and went right back to sleep until the alarm went off at 7:45am. I felt better yesterday day, but as soon as I get comfortable and think about sleeping, I'm a disaster. This head cold has got to go away soon...I had to leave the Bonfire early last night because the smoke was killing my throat. Hopefully, if I stay home tonight and go to bed early, I'll feel better enough to go out tomorrow. And maybe some Indian food will help clear my head too...

And now to the Sky Cam for the traffic report: traffic appears to be moving steadily with no signs of congestion or hold ups... enjoy it while it lasts, folks.

Oh My.

The days between Tuesday and now have been fantastic. Wonderful. Soooo so good.

Yesterday was the best day ever. I got a text message from M asking if I had plans for the day and did I want to go hiking. I am definitely not a hiker, but I'm game for whatever if it means spending time with someone whose company I enjoy, so I said I was in. I'd never been to Horse Tail Falls, so I didn't really know what to expect and I was amazed at how beautiful it was up there. The trail takes you behind the falls and you can just stand there, watch the water drop in front of you and take it all in...*sigh* I'd like to say that I was a trooper and had no problems with the hike, but I was a total wuss and struggled to breathe for about 3/4ths of it. He was really sweet about it and when I said, "You're probably thinking you're never taking me out here again..." he replied, "I'm thinking we just need to go more often." Oi.

After the hike, we headed back into town and decided to catch a movie at the Laurelhurst. We had some time to kill before Team America started, so we tooled around in Lady Luck, the vintage shop right across from the theater, for a few, walked down to Von Natur, the shop that carries his company's bath and body stuff, which was closed, and then sat and talked in Starbucks for about 1/2 hour. The movie was funny, better than I expected actually...but maybe it was just that I was in a goofy mood. He'd made plans to have dinner with his family, which he wasn't all that into when it came right down to going, but after he dropped me off, he messaged me and asked if I was going to the bar later and did I want a ride. No big surprise that I was, so he came to get me, we had a couple beers and sang until about 11ish and headed back to my house.

I've spent the morning on a cloud... even the sore throat I'm fighting isn't bringing my mood down. I'm voting for more 4 day weekends.

I Should Just Shut Up Now Because I Have No Idea What's Going On.

I got a text message last night on my way home from M asking me out for sushi. He came over, we walked up the street and ate, he walked me back to my door, bear hugged me goodnight and went home. Welcome to bizarro world.

Could This Work Week BE Any Suckier?

Monday sucked. Everyone got yelled at by people who came in or called all day. Today is turning out to be the same and I'm losing my mind. I have to keep telling myself, "Just a few more hours...just a few more hours...and then only one more day" and focus on the Indian food I got for lunch and the music on my cd player. In case I haven't mentioned it before, I loooove Indian food....and that damn Britney Spears song, "Toxic."

Last night in was just what I needed: pizza and cream soda from Oasis, two Steve Buscemi movies (only watched one and then went to bed so I'm set for tonight), and a phone call from Owen to check up on me. All of the distractions (food, movies, phone calls from friends) will keep me from doing something stupid while I'm making myself stop caring. A few more nights of this and the wall will be rebuilt.

So Many Things I'd Like To Say But Won't Because I'm Too Damn Nice...

Guh, the silence is deafening. I am done calling, e-mailing, text messaging. I'm slow but I'm not stupid. If I went stumbling home with every jerkwad who asked, maybe I'd understand why it's so easy to blow me off, but I don't. In fact, of all the girls I know, I'm the least likely to go home with ANYONE. So, why me? Why not pick some random girl who doesn't care and isn't his friend? Is there something intrinsically wrong with me that makes me undateable? Gawd.

I'd like to say that I don't remember the last time I was this hurt, but I remember it clearly and it was in January. I'm locking myself in my room at night until Wednesday. It's for everyone's own good.

So The Girl Says To The Guy...

Sometimes I surprise myself with how much I'm willing to give with little or no return aside from feeling like I'm doing the right thing. I haven't seen M since Saturday morning and that's the cause of my mopey state this week... but after we talked last night, I was left feeling a little selfish and just wishing I could do something to make his life easier. Office jobs can suck the life out of anyone, especially when you're the go-to person for every little thing (as we both are). You feel like the piles of work never seem to get any smaller because the powers that be keep adding more to your plate. While you spend your day being crazy busy, you go home feeling underpaid, underappreciated and like you've accomplished nothing. I know that feeling all too well and it sucks. Hearing that someone I care about is feeling that way and working himself to exhaustion kills me. Call it maternal or whatever you want but it's that helpless thing...I can't do anything about it and, as with all of my friends' problems, I want to magically fix things. I made it clear that while I do want to see him, I don't want to make things worse by depriving him of sleep so we left it that he'd call me Friday if he was up for doing something. I promised my friend Mr. Fabulous that I'd go see his band, Dr. Theopolis, either Friday or Saturday night, so I'm making plans on my own, as usual.

I think I'm getting a serious lesson in patience... or I'm chasing the elusive white rabbit.