Tiiiiime is on my side...yes it is....

Man, do I feel like a slacker. This not working thing has made me even lazier than before (if that was possible). Don't get me wrong, I've been job searching and resume updating and unemployment seeking, so it's not like I've been sitting on the couch channel surfing with my hand in the waistband of my pajama pants dribbling microwave burritos down the front of my t-shirt and drinking Jack Daniels. I think the thing that's getting to me is not having a schedule. I have no commitments and nowhere I have to be at any particular time. That much free-time is just a foreign concept to me. Even when I'm on vacation, I have stuff planned and things are scheduled. The last two days, if the phone hadn't rang (rung?...rang?...rung? whatever.), I might not have woken up. Like at all. I could still be sleeping right now and no one would care. Huh. Interesting position to be in, I think.

I had an interesting evening last night... got a call from a friend around 8:30 asking what I was doing and if I was up for going out to a movie. Turns out, two of the guys she hangs out with and who I met Sunday night wanted to hang out with me...because "dude, she's hot." *LMAO* So the four of us went to see Star Wars Episode 2 (one of the guys hadn't seen it yet) and since we had some time before the movie started, we played video games in the arcade and piled into the photo booth to take goofy pictures. Let me just state for the record that 4 adult size people in one of those little photo booths is probably two people too many, but it's hella funny trying to squeeze everyone in and actually within frame of the shots. Once I get the pics scanned, I'll post them so everyone can laugh with (at?) me... Anyway, it was a nice ego-boost and the guys are fun, so we're all going to hang out and watch that movie Kung-Pow tonight, which I haven't seen but the other three have. Should be interesting...

Feeling the love

Since I had the crappiest Monday in the history of Mondays yesterday, it was super cool to end the day laughing with friends who made me feel loved and special. Larissa and Kathryn from work called and asked if they could take me out for food and beers and I called Chris and Sean to meet us at High St. After rehashing the ridiculousness that was my firing, the conversation turned to goofy stuff and it was just nice to turn off all the noise that was going on in my head - "what are you gonna do? how are you going to make it? rent is due in a week and you have no money coming in for next month's...what are you gonna do? are people talking about you and thinking you're a fuck-up? how did this happen? you're such an idiot..."

Today was spent running around - making copies of my newly updated resume, filing for unemployment, making an appointment for a haircut, stopping in to talk to a family friend and passing on the news - and I'm finally getting a chance to sit and breathe. I'm heading up to Portland on Friday to spend the weekend and it'll be nice to step out of the black hole for a few days and get my head on straight. Surprisingly, I'm not freaking out today. Maybe I'm still in shock. *shrug* I know I can make this moving thing work and that if I need help, all I have to do is ask... that's comforting.

Thank you to all the well wishers and condolence senders and hand/ear lenders... I appreciate the support more than you know. :-)

Ummmm... ooookk.

Huh. I got fired today. And I'm not altogether sure why. When I said I was stunned and could my boss elaborate on what I'd done or not done to warrant the termination, she just said things weren't working out and that I wasn't performing to the standard they expected after being there almost a year (my one year would have been next week). Strangely, I hadn't ever gotten a verbal or written warning about my performance. In fact, I got an outstanding performance review at the 6 month mark and an apology for not being able to give me a raise due to a company-wide wage freeze. I mentioned this and that I felt blind-sided by the whole thing and she said she wasn't surprised that I was shocked but didn't give me any concrete explainations. Then, she slid a check across the desk and asked me to pack up my things. She stood there and watched while I collected my personal belongings and watched me walk out the front door. She'd asked me not to say my goodbyes to co-workers in person at that time, but to make phone calls from home at a later time so I couldn't talk to anyone.... I just walked out without saying anything.

I don't really know what else to say.

Could be that this is the kick in the ass I need to find a job and move to Portland. Don't know for sure. Something has to happen, though... this has to be for a reason....

There are some things I didn't need to see

What possessed me to go to a fetish night at the Downtown Lounge/Diablo's on a Sunday night I'll never know. I had been asked earlier last week and waffled all week long about it. Finally decided I'd just go and if nothing else, it'd be an excellent venue for people watching. Man oh man, was it ever. When Rick James sang Superfreak, I'm pretty sure he was talking about this chick at the club last night. She had on a very short black vinyl skirt, very tall black vinyl boots, no top (though she did have a pair of metal rings around her breasts connected to some chain links and a collar around her neck and buckled to her torso with leather straps) and a black feathered mask. Her companion was holding the other end of her leash and a boa while they danced. Good times.

The fun came to a crashing halt for me when they started showing bizarro porn on all 4 tvs around the club. At first it was kinda funny....this woman had on a 1950's style house dress and those yellow, elbow length rubber gloves and she was cleaning her kitchen.....for about two seconds.....until she got turned on by her own bad self and the kitchen appliances. The three of us at our table were laughing and making comments along the lines of, "Well, yeah, doesn't everyone clean their kitchen like that?" and "Funny, but my dishwasher just doesn't do it for me...guess I'm more of a microwave kind of girl." And then, out of nowhere, a random shirtless guy comes into her kitchen and puts the woman on the table and presto change-o, she's in bondage gear (did she sneak into the broom closet and change while we weren't looking?), he's nekkid and the camera angles were just wrong.... There are some angles that just shouldn't be shot.

On that note, I'd like to take this opportunity to speak to the adult films industry: Please, for the love of God and all that's holy, stop filming the 'nad cam shots. There's nothing even remotely sexy, attractive, appealing or pretty about a close up shot of some guy's nuts smacking some chick's t'aint. In fact, it's a little disturbing. I understand it's fantasy land and I have no problem with porn in general, but there's just something unnatural about that view of an act that's typically thought of as all good. Dudes, seriously, it's NOT all good. So, please, I'm begging you to rethink using that angle in future films. Thank you.

So, now that I've been visually violated, I'm going to spend the rest of the week trying to reclaim my innocence... Anyone up for a Disney movie?

I actually bought this

It's just one of those days

I got a late start this morning and everything...EVERYTHING...has been bugging me ever since. I can't stand being late. It's worse initially if someone else makes me late, but if it's my own fault, the annoyance factor lasts longer. And thanks to the naturally occurring chemicals in the female body, my emotions are running extra high. I don't know whether to smack someone or crawl into bed and just hide. Ugh, I'm getting a headache... ...gotta keep telling myself not to cry. Whatever you do, just don't cry.

Where's J. when I need a hug?

I wish I had written that

I'm listening to Incubus's album Morning View and there's a song on it called "Echo"... yet another song I'm adding to the list of song lyrics I wish I'd written. Other songs on the list include "Attitude" by Alien Ant Farm, "Faithless" by Injected, and of course "Amazed" by Poe. I almost added "Bootylicious" by Destiny's Child, but I made a promise to myself a long time ago never to refer to any part of my anatomy as "jelly" in a song I may at some point write. Anything you wish you'd written?

Oh yeah....comments are broken and that sucks. I'm not gonna whine about it anymore. E-mail still works so at least that's something.

What the hell is wrong with people?

I got a really disturbing e-mail today telling me about an incident that took place this past weekend. The story goes like this: four guys and two girls I know were standing in a parking lot talking outside a salsa club in downtown Eugene. They had all been inside dancing and having a great time, I'm sure, and were saying their goodbyes and heading home for the night. A van full of big guys rolls up and starts talking to them and at some point, racial comments were made along the lines of -You need to go back to Mexico* because you're just a bunch of fuckin' wetbacks- .....then six guys got out of the van and started beating up the four guys I know....with no provocation or anything. At one point, one of the guys from the van would hold one of the guys I know while someone else hit him. Two of the guys I know have split lips and all four have various cuts, scrapes and bruises. One of the girls called the police and they ended up pulling the van over after the guys piled back in and drove off. One of the guys in the van was arrested and is now being charged with racially motivated assault.

This whole situation is messed up on several levels and it just makes me sick. I can not believe people like that even exist on the same planet as the rest of us.

*Two of the four guys aren't even from Mexico. They're Guatamalan. It was a stupid comment to make anyway, but it just goes to show how ignorant people really are when they assume everyone who is Hispanic is from Mexico.*

Making myself crazy for nothing

Ok, so I'm retarded. So's he. Apparently, we both spent last week wondering what the other was thinking and how the other felt about things and everyone was on the same page all along. Once we got to talking about everything, I told him about all stuff I'd been worrying myself over all week. You never know how those confessions - positive or negative - will be taken when you're starting to work out a relationship, so I think that's why it's so hard for most people to just open the floodgates and speak from the heart. So, I'm pretty proud of myself for finally being able to say how I feel without expectations. The response was more than I could have asked for anyway and will likely go down in history as the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me. Now I can breathe... and work on keeping the cheesy grinning at work to a minimum.

Talking to the animals

Went to the county fair with some friends from work last night and learned a few things about myself:

1) I don't own any albums by America for a good reason.
2) Goats and sheep think I'm cool because I pet them and talk to them and defend them when people say they're stupid.
3) I live in a state where people watching can officially be classified as a sport.
4) I still get a warm fuzzy feeling when I see the baby chicks hatch.
5) I'm no longer willing to spend 4 bucks to play the game where you squirt water into a clown's mouth to inflate and hopefully pop a balloon before anyone else playing in hopes of winning a very tiny stuffed SpongeBob SquarePants doll.
6) I regret not buying the shirt I saw once upon a time that said "Stop staring at my tits." as it would have been especially useful last night.
7) The combined smell of candy apples, cheeseburgers, cotton candy, corn dogs, greasy chili cheese french fries and elephant ears is disturbingly pleasant.
8) I'm a wuss when it comes to being outside in miserably hot weather.
9) My presence gets the pigs all riled up and wanting to fight each other.

I spent a little while pretending the pigs were Greeks and Trojans and that I was Helen of Troy. That worked out pretty well until some kids came pushing their way through the crowd, glared at me for blocking their view of the fights and started whispering to each other about how the big kids should let the little kids get up front. Well, geez...sorry! I'm Helen of Troy for Zeus's sake! They're fighting because of me, dammit! You kids should be happy I even came out here in this frickin' heat....

They make it look so easy

it's hard to breathe through this pain in my chest
it's hard to think through this mental unrest
it's hard to see through these blinded eyes
it's hard to hear through the echoing sighs
it's hard to eat through a stomache in knots
it's hard to sleep through the unending thoughts
it's hard to stay focused through long distance and time
it's hard to keep writing through to that elusive rhyme
but with you
it's easy to see through the smoke and the screens
it's easy to be close through the distance in dreams
it's easy to hear your heart beat through to mine
it's easy to sleep through the tickle down my spine
it's easy to care through the doubts and dismay
and it's easy to smile through the dull of the day

and I wouldn't want it to be any other way

The Boys Club

Just had a moment of clarity after breaking down and calling him and hearing his housemates in the background. Everything is all googly-eyes and sweetness when we're alone, but when his friends and brother are around, it's like he's so concerned about what they think that he doesn't know how to act. I know those guys and they are the masters at dishing out crap. So, he wasn't really in a position to have any kind of serious conversation because the guys were all standing right there listening. I'm sensitive to that. I kept the conversation light and short and let him know some of us are thinking about going to Portland this weekend. I said I would call him if we decide for sure to go up there but didn't know if he already had plans. He said he didn't have anything going on other than working until close Saturday night and softball Sunday afternoon, so he'd be around and I should call him when I know what's going on. I don't know if that's encouraging or if I should be kicking myself... ugh.

Old habits are hard to break

As much as I've been making a conscientious effort to stop overanalyzing things, it's really difficult to keep my head clear after so many years of second guessing myself. Going with the flow and not worrying about matters of the heart have never been my strong points, so changing a major part of one's character is not quite the piece of cake I'd hoped it would be. It's like I'm being pulled in opposite directions by my head and heart and I'm trying to find a way to listen to both without turning into Sibyl. I find myself falling back into the old "I-am-such-an-idiot" attitude and dammit, I don't like it. Ok, so he hasn't called or e-mailed. It's only been 3 days. Yeah, I don't have an easy time trusting people and I gave him a level of trust I've never given anyone. He could easily have betrayed that and he didn't. I put my heart on a silver plate and served it with a nice garnish of honesty and vulnerability. I've never done that before and he made it really easy. See, this all sounds fan-frickin'-tastic, right? Why am I freaking out? Who the hell am I talking to?!? I was the bastion of emotional strength and confidence while I was in the moment and now I'm the sad bastard in the karaoke bar singing Cheap Trick's "I Want You To Want Me." (which, btw, is one of the best songs ever) Time and distance are not my friends today but, once I have a serious chat with my slowly deflating ego, everything will be peachy keen... "Buck up, little camper! No, of course your butt doesn't look big in those self-doubt pants! You're a rock star! You're bootylicious!" .....yeah, it would probably go someting like that....

I couldn't have said it better myself

Gotta love it when someone writes a poem or song that puts exactly what you're feeling at a given moment into words. Like Poe's song "Amazed". Or Lamb's song "Gold". Yeah, baby. I love that stuff...

Twitterpated

I can't even begin to explain how awesome my weekend was. I'm still sporting the starry eyes, rosy cheeks and silly grin. Oh yeah, the wedding was nice too.

now playing: Incubus - Wish You Were Here

Yeah, so... um...you saw me?

The Eugene Weekly has a section in their personals called "I Saw You" where people can run ads in hopes of meeting someone they didn't have the cajones to approach in the first place. I went to High Street for a beer with my next door neighbors yesterday and we were reading these and trying to figure out what you would say if you read a description of yourself and called about the ad... "Yeah, hi...um....I guess you saw me or something? Your ad said coffee? maybe more? So, um.... who the hell are you? And why are you stalking me?"

We've gotten to know a few of the folks who work at High Street and there's this one guy named Dan - kinda looks like a modern hipster pirate - who played with the Cherry Poppin' Daddies and is now in a band called The Visible Men.... well, one of the I Saw You ads says:

-Dan-
Beautiful green eyes, unruly peaks, Visible. Thanks for always holding my gaze. Me: unpredictably shy, slightly roadworn anarquista with underlying brilliance. As ready as I will ever be. Lemonade?

We were cracking up.... apparently, he hadn't seen it yet, so he blushed a bit when we showed him. Then did the whole "yeah-the-chicks-dig-me-'cause-I'm-so-cool" thing. What a riot...

This is only a test....

fingertips sliding over curved hips
warm breath exhaled from warmer lips
chest to back a perfect fit
nose on neck tickles a bit
kneecap to knee back
scene fades to black
12:47 on the clock
party blaring down the block
can't walk the walk
never got to talk the talk
and only a pillow in that space
my dream of you had been erased
tomorrow it could be
more or less reality
and he might get the best of me
guess I'll wait and see

The list game

Ok, add one item to the list and then give the list an appropriate title (like Top Ten _____ ). Ready?

1) A dashboard hula guy.
2) A signed copy of "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
3) Naked pics of Bea Arthur
4) A case of Pop Rocks
5) Fruit-scented Magic Markers (pkg of 8)
6) A hand knitted scarf (made by yo momma)
7) 3 Pez dispensers (Yoda, Gonzo, and Batman)
8) One giant afro wig
9) A can of spray cheese (jalapeno flavor)
10) ???

Old, new, borrowed and blue... How 'bout just blue?

I've got another wedding to go to this Saturday in Portland. While I'm looking forward to seeing everyone and I'm really happy for my cousin, I can't say I'm thrilled about going to this shindig alone. As I watch my friends couple off and settle down, they make it look so simple. Those relationships have made it easy for me to keep a positive attitude about dating and remind me that romance and chivalry are alive and kicking. If there's someone out there for them, there's got to be someone out there for me, right? I'm just in a dating slump, right? Just because there aren't men banging down my door right now, that doesn't mean there never will be, right?

So, I was thinking about how many boyfriends/girlfirends I've seen the friends in my age group go through before they ended up with their husbands and wives.... in most cases, two or three. I'm 28 years old and I've never had what I'd call a serious relationship. I've dated on and off (more off than on), but there's never been anyone with whom I've considered living or thought about spending my whole life. For a long time, from the middle of college until about a year ago, I shunned the dating scene and all the drama that goes along with it. I was content to be alone and just hang out with friends. Now that I'm ready to dive into the pool, I'm realizing that I never really had any swimming instructors, I left my water wings back in the dorms, and the deep end is a long swim away. Ah well.... at least I'm not afraid of drowning anymore.

Can you really call that art?

It's art!

I'm only posting the link to this picture instead of the pic itself because I don't want you people to look unless you're really, really sure you want to see me as Moses. That's right, me as Moses. I've got the set in stone Magic 3 requirements and everything. I'm on my way home to feed the camel and vacuum the tent....damn kids are always tracking sand in on the carpet. And people think you can't make quality artwork in Paint... to them I say =P *Ppphhhbbbbb*

Craig is the shizznit!!

Attention people of Earth!!

This transmission is coming to you from some very powerful aliens who will eat your brains if you don't comply with their demands!! Ok, it's actually just coming from me, but do it anyway, ok? Go to Eyesaw and tell Craig what a rock star he is! The 80's cd came today and I am in musical heaven. So if you know Craig, or work with Craig, or just pass him on the way to work in the morning, give him a big wet smooch for me!

That is all. Get back to work you slackers.

Can I bring my rubber ducky?

Ok, you know that lazy river ride they have at pretty much every water slide park in the US? The one where you stick your butt in the hole of a monster truck tire inner tube and float around the entire park on a slow moving current while you fry your brain in the blazing sun and go home completely dehydrated with a headache? Yeah, so I'm going river rafting tomorrow and I'm betting it'll be nothing at all like that. I've never been rafting before and all I've been told so far is to expect to be soaked. Sweet.

Went to dinner with the family yesterday for my sister's last night in town at this asian place called Bamboo. If you're into sushi, I highly recommend the Guido roll (avocado, cream cheese, pinenuts and garlic) and the Inari (instead of just rice and sesame seeds in the tofu pocket, they top it with radish stems, pickled radish, stewed tomato and a piece of shitaki mushroom). If you're not into sushi, I'm sorry, but I'm afraid I can't speak to you anymore...

To Blog or not to Blog

This just cracks me up... I never understood the whole Hot or Not? thing, but since my blog owns 37.5% of NinaZero, Inc., it has requested that I let the voice of the people be heard, so go ahead and vote:

Is my Blog HOT or NOT?

I can't believe I just posted that.

English is messed up...but in a good way

It's a rambling kind of day so I'm gonna ramble. Weird word, "ramble." Say it a few times and it starts to sound funny. Like I've always thought "pants" does. No, I haven't been drinking and I'm not on crack. Just say it. Really stretch the "a"... and make it a little whiny. You'll see what I mean. My sister always used to laugh when people said "panties"...I dunno why. It's gotta be the whiny over-enunciated vowels. And the inevitable blush that came along with talking about underwear. *shrug* That kid laughs at everything, though. And loud. In the middle of movie theaters. With everyone turned around staring at us and shushing. She told me the other day she was scared she'd hurt herself if she tried to stop laughing mid-guffaw. Like, maybe she would rupture her spleen or the pressure on her head would pop an eye out or something. The worst part is that it's even more contagious than normal laughter. Most of the time I'm in tears because I'm laughing at her laugh so hard I can't breathe. She thinks that's funny. I think it's mean. I should tape her laughing for an extended period of time and play it back to her while she's sleeping. I bet she wouldn't think it was so funny then...