Don't Believe The Hype...Butterflies And Booze Are Not Confidence Builders

...Why can't things just be easy? Why do I insist on being retarded around people to whom I'm attracted? Why can't I think about anything other than kissing him again? What's so damn great about making out anyway? Ok, that last one was sarcastic, but I have a date tomorrow night and I'm nervous. I'm never nervous. I don't get intimidated and I don't scare off easily but this one makes me nervous. This is ridiculous.

It's A Whole New Ballgame...

Last night, as I sat half in my bed and half on it with my just washed hair wrapped up in a towel, thinking about all the things I had to get done in the next few days and wanting to ignore it all for a little while longer to let Saturday replay in my head one more time, the phone rang. And it was him. At that moment, no one else could have made me smile the way he did by just letting me know he was thinking about me... we talked for a little over 1/2 hour and later I slept a still and dreamless sleep. It never ceases to amaze me how I can ride the high from one single moment for days.

When I Don't Know What To Do, I Do The Unexpected.

Saturday night and Sunday morning, I felt wanted and appreciated more than I have in the past three months. Today, that has me torn between happy and sad. Remind me not to stop trusting new people just because the people I already know give me a million reasons not to trust anyone.

Movin' On Up

Well, it's pretty much done except for signing the paperwork and the actual moving of stuff. I'll be living in the heart of the Hawthorne district above a pizza place and a little boutique, across the street from the Bagdad Theater. How rad is that? I'm excited, but not looking forward to packing everything up and trucking it over the the new place next weekend. My folks are going to come up and help me pack, so that'll make things easier, but there's no elevator in the new place and the stairs are going to break my will to live. Ah well, that's the price I'm willing to pay for a cool place in a cool location. Actually, $595 is the price I'm willing to pay, but that's damn cheap.

This weekend will be spent doing laundry and getting things somewhat organized before my folks come up. I want this move to be as easy as possible. Also, there will be a little bit of new apartment celebrating this weekend, so if you're reading this and you're in the area, come on down to the Boiler Room and buy me a drink. Woo!

Frickin', Frickin', Frickin'...

So, I go home last night and try to dial into the internet and what happens? Nothing. The modem isn't getting a dial tone. Huh. Interesting. So I call my roommate and ask her if anyone had disconnected the phone and maybe just forgotten to tell me and she said not as far as she knew. After checking out the latest phone bill, it turns out it's three payments behind and therefore has been shut off. That's just great. Who knows where the money I gave her for my half of the bills went, but apparently the phone company didn't get it. So, now I can't get online at home until I move to a new place. *sigh* Fantastic. Also, I never got a call on Monday about going out that night, so it didn't happen. It wasn't a solid plan so it's no big deal, but I just wish people would call when they say they will. I don't think that's asking too much.

On a lighter note, there's talk about living with Lara instead of Owen. He's still up in the air about his relationship with his ex and Lara is for sure needing a roommate so the idea has been thrown out there for discussion. Owen's has already said go for it, I'm going to talk to her more about it tonight, and hopefully she can come look at the place I want to move into on Hawthorne tomorrow. If this works out, I'll have to figure out how to pay rent there by myself until she can move in March. Please, please, please make this work. I just want to be settled somewhere before my birthday. I want to start my 30th year in a good physical and mental space, so please let this work.

Sweeeeeet!!

Go here and make movies about me. Do it. You know you want to.

Move Aside And Let The Man Go Through

After talking on the phone for over an hour last night, I think I might have a date tonight. Dude....crazy.

Potentially Embarrassing Confessions

~I like the smell of gasoline.

~I think Matthew Lawrence is totally hot. (the middle Lawrence brother...whoa.)

~I have enough underwear that I can go 6 weeks without doing laundry.

~I like Disney movies. A lot.

~The thought of giving birth freaks me out.

~When I look in the mirror, 90% of the time I still feel like I look the same as I did before I lost 70 lbs.

~I will be 30 in 45 days and I still shop at Hot Topic.

You Win!

Hey you....yeah, you...over there at Scam City....you were the 10,000th visitor here....nice one, dude.

Got to hang out with Guy last night at the bar. Seriously, that dude cracks me up. He brought a friend he's known since they were 5 and she was very cool so the night went well. Didn't get home until just after 5:30am so I didn't even get up until an hour and a half ago. Yay for sleep! I'm off to Powell's to sell some books and see what Joe's plans for the night after he's done with work are...wish me luck.

Keep It On And On

The last two days have been filled with the usual mix of ups and downs... phone numbers were finally exchanged (woo!), I got to see Brad do his thing at the Viscount last night, I came home from work to the minor chaos of things being moved and rearranged, I'm having to get used to someone other than Shauna being there when I'm not (which I can already see is not going to be fun), and my social skills when it comes to talking to strangers are back. Today I have to call Owen and see if he's got time to look at apartments with me tomorrow. I foresee good things happening this weekend and, as usual, they are going to be the result of an attitude adjustment on my part. The chameleon is back.

Shake It Like A Polaroid Picture

Those Outkast guys really know how to break it down for me: "If what they say is: 'Nothing is forever.' then what makes love the exception and why oh why are we so in denial when we know we're not happy here?" Damn straight. It's been beaten to a bloody pulp, we hashed and rehashed and I cried, as I am prone to doing especially when I don't want to, and now this...this...whatever it was with D is over and I can stop feeling guilty for wanting to date someone else. He never wanted or appreciated me even when he had me and I knew I never had him but he told me anyway, so what's done is done and now we know where we stand. That's fuckin' great. So why do I feel so shitty?

Aw Man.

Had a great time last night at Noah’s housewarming/Brad’s birthday party. The usual BR suspects were there and copious amounts of alcohol were consumed. I spent a good portion of the night talking to Joe (this made me happy), who ended up crashing on my couch so I could make sure he got up to go to class this morning. I pulled up next to his car, which was still parked at Noah’s, and when he got out, we saw that someone had smashed his back driver’s side window and stolen his bag with all of his school books in it! Ugh. I felt so bad, knowing that he’d just spent $300 to get his car back from the shop after having it break down on a freeway on-ramp and who knows how much on books for the term. Plus, we’d just spent part of the night commiserating about how broke we both are. Sucky way to end an otherwise fun night.

W.W.N.D.?

Today was sorta up and down. I was told I'm getting more responsibilities, a raise and a different title at work, but would still have do do some of the same stuff I'm doing now. I called D at work (probably should have just left it alone, but you know me...) and asked if he had time to talk to me tonight, but I have a house-warming party to be at in 45 minutes, where I know someone who has a crush on me and I have a crush on is going to be, and I'm guessing the conversation isn't going to happen between now and then so welcome to confusion city. Also, I'm broke like Hammer and have to figure out what I'm gonna do about moving.

It's times like these when I wonder, "What would Nelly do?" because it's gettin' hot in herre...

In Flux

As was to be expected, I'll be moving out in the not-so-distant future. I'm not sure where to yet, but I'll let you know when I figure it out. I hung out for a bit with Owen today and there was talk of us living together...more on that as the plan develops.

I've tried calling Jason and D twice each today and gotten no response. Call me nutty, but I'm worried. It's not like Jason to fall off the Earth and ....well, I have a lot of reasons to be worried about D.

The Dull Ache

My body does not like me today. My hand is still bruised from a few days ago, my back and neck still feel a little tight from the Mt. Tabor slam, and I woke up to the renovation three days early, making my lower back and abdomen cry. Happy Saturday to me.

I went to the bar last night, expecting to hang out with the usual suspects. I knew D was back, but didn't know if he'd come out or not. Half of me bet he would and the other half assumed he wouldn't want to see me. He did show up and the first half hour or so was awkward, to say the least. It was awkward to the point where Brad and Joe felt it. I apologized to them about it later as I don't ever want to bring tension or drama there. That place is a comfort zone for me and don't want that to change.

It took a bit for either of us to look each other in the eye. He'd said he'd gotten little sleep and wasn't functionally awake when he first got there, so when I finally did look up into his face, I don't know what I was seeing... a mix of sleep deprivation, worry, sadness, fear, hope...each of these intermixed with the others and overlapped each other in turns, each trying to be the dominant visible emotion. I'm sure my own face was washed with the same, with some hurt, frustration and confusion thrown in for good measure. I wanted to talk to him and give my attention to him, at the same time wanting to ignore him and punish him for hurting me, but my focus kept drifting over his shoulder to Joe, who ended up on the other side of D every time seats shifted. He was flashing me looks, both entertained and a little sympathetic, and if not for his attempts to get a smile out of me, I would probably have left minutes after D walked in the door.

He didn't stay long and as he was getting ready to go, I asked where he'd parked and if I could walk with him to his car. I told Brad and Joe I'd be right back and we headed out. There was the usual silence that precurses a serious conversation and he broke it with a comment about how he'd turned into his father with regard to his emotional unavailability. I don't know why I said it, but I said what would be a good idea is if everything could just go back to normal. He said he'd tried tonight and didn't think he'd done a very good job of it, but thought he'd be better tomorrow. We stopped in the lobby of the parking garage and looked at each other. I said we should talk after he'd gotten some sleep and he said he'd planned to be out at the bar the next night. The bar isn't really the best place to talk and I told him that...then I said I missed him and he said he'd missed me too, but knew I wouldn't believe him. At that, I took pause to actually read him... the tears came unexpectedly and I said I did believe him. Guh. I'd told myself I wasn't going to cry, wasn't going to show any weakness or hurt, and did my best to pull it together quickly. I said I just wanted things to be normal and I didn't know if he could do that or even wanted to do that and he asked what I meant. I said I wanted things to go back to the way they were before he left. I didn't even know if that was possible and said maybe it was a stupid thought anyway. He looked at me for a minute and stepped over to hug me. We stood there for a minute, holding on tight and just being, before he pulled back to look at me. He leaned down and kissed my forehead and then my cheek. He told me his plan for today, said he'd call me after he was done with work and headed up to his car as I walked back to the bar.

They boys asked how things had gone and I gave them the Reader's Digest version and said I was probably an idiot for saying what I'd said. They were supportive and sweet, the conversation turned to other things, more songs were sung and I offered to take Joe home when we were both ready to go. When we pulled up to his house, Joe asked when I'd be back at the bar and I said probably the next night. He said he'd come by after work and hang out and I told him if he couldn't get his car back from the shop, I'd take him home again but we'd have to stop at Voodoo Donut on the way. He was game and that was that. When I got home, I crawled into bed and was almost immediately asleep.

It's Blog Birthday Time

2 years. Nothing has changed. Everything from this still holds true. Yay me.

This Is How I Feel Right Now

*sad girl*


*thanks to involution.org for this.

Damn It, Beavis

I can't figure out how I can love someone the way I do and hate them at the same time. Guh, yes I can. Logically, I know that hate stems from hurt and, while I have no right to be hurt, I am. It's stupid, but I am. The strange part about that is, it hurts far less than I would have expected. Maybe I'm just numb because I haven't seen him yet. He hasn't had to look me in the eye and feel me hurting and I haven't had to look back and see what there is, if anything, to see.

For as much of his heart and head as he pours into his writing, you'd think I'd know where I stand and how he feels about me. I don't know shit.

Or Not

Airport's closed. Guess he won't be back until tomorrow. The suspense of what's going to be said is killing me.

Here and Now

He's coming back today and I don't know how to feel.

Ow.

I went out to the car awhile ago, intending to drive 10 miles an hour to the Rite-Aid about 10 blocks from here, pick up cat food and soup and come home. I wasn't really paying attention when I first walked out the front door, but by the time I got over to the car, a woman's voice, cursing the chains she couldn't seem to make fit on her tires, pulled me out of my head. She looked up and asked if I had chains, which of course I didn't as it's not even my car, and said I wouldn't be able to get anywhere without them. Then she said she had been trying for almost an hour but couldn't manage to get her chains on and I said I'd help her. Over near the car were two guys, who seemed amused by the woman and her dilemma but were making an effort to help and couldn't seem to figure the chains out either. Introductions were made, though for the life of me I can't remember any of their names now, and between one of the guys and myself, we had the chains on both front tires about 10 minutes later. In that short time, my hands had gone nearly numb. Once she'd tested them out and was sure the chains were going to get her down the street, I went back inside to wash the dirt off my hands and change my shoes so I could walk to Rite-Aid because the cat still needed food. The walk was uneventful, I didn't fall down once and now I'm home eating chunky vegetable soup. Mmm...cold weather and soup. However, I can finally feel my hands now that they're not painfully cold and I must have banged the hell out of my right paw because there's a happy little bruise over the knuckle of my ring finger. Looks like something exploded in there. Damn. See what happens when I help people...

My Outside Feels Just As Bad As My Inside

With all the snow and ice the last two days, I've only been at work for yesterday's 1/2 day since the 31st. I'm not comfortable being on the road with a city full of people who don't know how to drive in it and, as of yesterday's phone call from one of the corporate honchos, the Seattle area offices are closed so the Portland area offices should close at the discretion of the managers. I called my boss last night to say if things were the same today as yesterday on the roads, I wouldn't be coming in. The heat in the office doesn't work right, so she and I were sharing the pain yesterday of frozen fingers and toes...you just can't work like that. Highways are closed all over the place and the MAX isn't even running. People have slid into each other and trees and most anything else you can think of and abandoned their vehicles on the sides of roads around the city. It's crazyness.

So, since yesterday was such a winter wonderland, around 3ish Trip and I decided to go sledding. The only problem with that idea is that we don't have sleds. Being the ingenious kids we are, we headed over to GI Joe's and he buys two 6'x9' tarps for $3 each. These things are slicker than shit and we knew we'd fly down the hills on 'em. We proceeded to Mt. Tabor (home of the soap box derby I went to over the summer and some of the best hillsides in the city) and it was already starting to get dark. Not too many people left up there but the street lights were starting to come on and the die-hards were still zipping around on runner sleds and cardboard and innertubes. We plowed up the 50 or so stairs to the top of the hill above where the cars park and looked down at what lay before us.

The hill drops off at about a 75 or 80 degree angle for around 50 feet, flattens out for about 15 or 20 feet and then slopes down again at maybe 45 degrees for another 25 or 30 feet shooting you out into the parking lot. Yeah baby yeah. I watched him wrap himself up in the tarp and go flying off the edge, mostly sliding on his back and side facing forward until the middle, where he got turned around and slid the rest of the way into the lot going backwards. It didn't strike me until my third run that the potential for catching air coming off the first slope was damn high if you were laying right but I found out the hard way as I slammed down and wrenched my neck, back and hip. I took a minute to catch my breath, staring up at the sky as bits of ice scratched at my face, wondering if my lungs would freeze if the air I struggled to suck in didn't warm between my mouth and them. I finally sat up and then got up and shook it off, plodded back up the stairs and did one more run before I had to call it quits and just watch. For that short time, I forgot about everything and just enjoyed being a kid again. All the head noise disappeared and, for about two hours, I was 12 again, playing in the first snowstorm after we moved to Santa Fe and feeling like everything was right with the world.

Today, I hurt. I feel like I did some hard core workout and pulled everything possible in the process. My neck is screaming, my back is tweaked, my ribs are sore and my ass...well, it's thawed out quite nicely, thank you very much. Today, I know 12 is long gone and the simple things like playing in snow are temporary distractions from the real world. The girl I am right now is as real as you can get - no bullshit, no pretense, no facades, no lies. Just me. Far from perfect, but real. Here. Now. Waiting.

Between my hurt outside and my hurt inside, I could use a hug...

*listening to Idlewild - check out the lyrics to "Out Of Routine", "Stay The Same", and "In Remote Part"*

Top 3 Things About Myself I Hate That Could Be Considered Virtues

1. My seemingly unending ability to forgive.

2. My hyper-empathy.

3. My ability to love undeserving fuck-ups.

And What's Worse...

It struck me a bit ago that I should be floating around in a world of ignorant bliss, eagerly awaiting Thursday. There have been no phone calls or letters, no insight obtained through direct communication whatsoever. I should be sitting here, happily trusting and content in the knowledge that he cares about me and would never do anything to hurt me. I know what I know not because of an honest moment face-to-face but because of words on a screen. Of the people apparently involved, I don't even warrant a second of time. In all of the chaos, I am last on the list of concerns, first in line to be discarded; I am insignificant.

Goddamn It

I hate saying things out of anger that I don't mean. It's not in my nature to be spiteful. I'm just tired of being "that girl..." -the one who gives everything and forgives everything and gets hurt over and over and is lied to and is a second or third choice. I'm just tired of crying.

All I know right this minute is this: you don't hurt people you love.

I Take It Back

All of it. Every word. Because you don't deserve me.

And The Truth Shall Set You Free

I can see several different ways it could happen, but in all of the scenarios, I'm the one who walks away. I'm the one who's hurt and I'm the one who cries because I was the one who was honest with him and myself about the way I felt - still feel.

Two months was the limit and I've maxed out my time. The rest is just words.

Day Five...Call Me When It's Over

I'm a serious advocate of full disclosure truth telling. It just keeps everyone around you aware of where things stand and allows for educated decision making. However, I find that I don't always have the best timing when I blurt out how I'm feeling and later I wonder if it was really the best idea to say anything at all. For example, yesterday I vented, via instant messages, my frustrations about the barrage of unsolicited advice I've received in the last week re: my relationship with the recipient of the messages. I don't know if technical difficulties cut the conversation short or if he was just done listening to me bitch, but I was left staring at the screen wondering if what I'd been dumping on him was really need-to-know info. Even as I was typing, the usual twinge of guilt surfaced and by the end of the very one-sided conversation I felt like shit for pulling him into my problem. I still feel like shit.

Since I've earned the time, I took a personal day off from work to get some stuff done this morning (dr. appt for a physical) and now that I'm home, I'm hoping for an uneventful rest of the day. I always feel kind of violated after visiting the doctor and I'm glad it's only once a year. Now, it's nap time.

Childish Games

Remember back in elementary school when you could pick a flower, remove the petals one by one, each representing "he loves me" or "he loves me not," and when the stem was bare, which ever one was last was the answer? If only it was that easy now...

You May Be Right...I May Be Crazy

There are days when I feel like I'm losing my mind. Today is one of those days.

Which Is It?

Absence makes the heart grow fonder or out of sight, out of mind? A little of both, perhaps. Time away from anyone gives you an opportunity to get some perspective on what that person means to you. If they do in fact mean something, you behave accordingly while they/you're gone. If they don't, you do whatever you want as the whims take you. I've made the choices I've made in the recent days because on some level, I care. I don't know if I can say the same for him.

I Just Want To Turn It All Off

I don't want to want him anymore. I just don't.