The Dull Ache

My body does not like me today. My hand is still bruised from a few days ago, my back and neck still feel a little tight from the Mt. Tabor slam, and I woke up to the renovation three days early, making my lower back and abdomen cry. Happy Saturday to me.

I went to the bar last night, expecting to hang out with the usual suspects. I knew D was back, but didn't know if he'd come out or not. Half of me bet he would and the other half assumed he wouldn't want to see me. He did show up and the first half hour or so was awkward, to say the least. It was awkward to the point where Brad and Joe felt it. I apologized to them about it later as I don't ever want to bring tension or drama there. That place is a comfort zone for me and don't want that to change.

It took a bit for either of us to look each other in the eye. He'd said he'd gotten little sleep and wasn't functionally awake when he first got there, so when I finally did look up into his face, I don't know what I was seeing... a mix of sleep deprivation, worry, sadness, fear, hope...each of these intermixed with the others and overlapped each other in turns, each trying to be the dominant visible emotion. I'm sure my own face was washed with the same, with some hurt, frustration and confusion thrown in for good measure. I wanted to talk to him and give my attention to him, at the same time wanting to ignore him and punish him for hurting me, but my focus kept drifting over his shoulder to Joe, who ended up on the other side of D every time seats shifted. He was flashing me looks, both entertained and a little sympathetic, and if not for his attempts to get a smile out of me, I would probably have left minutes after D walked in the door.

He didn't stay long and as he was getting ready to go, I asked where he'd parked and if I could walk with him to his car. I told Brad and Joe I'd be right back and we headed out. There was the usual silence that precurses a serious conversation and he broke it with a comment about how he'd turned into his father with regard to his emotional unavailability. I don't know why I said it, but I said what would be a good idea is if everything could just go back to normal. He said he'd tried tonight and didn't think he'd done a very good job of it, but thought he'd be better tomorrow. We stopped in the lobby of the parking garage and looked at each other. I said we should talk after he'd gotten some sleep and he said he'd planned to be out at the bar the next night. The bar isn't really the best place to talk and I told him that...then I said I missed him and he said he'd missed me too, but knew I wouldn't believe him. At that, I took pause to actually read him... the tears came unexpectedly and I said I did believe him. Guh. I'd told myself I wasn't going to cry, wasn't going to show any weakness or hurt, and did my best to pull it together quickly. I said I just wanted things to be normal and I didn't know if he could do that or even wanted to do that and he asked what I meant. I said I wanted things to go back to the way they were before he left. I didn't even know if that was possible and said maybe it was a stupid thought anyway. He looked at me for a minute and stepped over to hug me. We stood there for a minute, holding on tight and just being, before he pulled back to look at me. He leaned down and kissed my forehead and then my cheek. He told me his plan for today, said he'd call me after he was done with work and headed up to his car as I walked back to the bar.

They boys asked how things had gone and I gave them the Reader's Digest version and said I was probably an idiot for saying what I'd said. They were supportive and sweet, the conversation turned to other things, more songs were sung and I offered to take Joe home when we were both ready to go. When we pulled up to his house, Joe asked when I'd be back at the bar and I said probably the next night. He said he'd come by after work and hang out and I told him if he couldn't get his car back from the shop, I'd take him home again but we'd have to stop at Voodoo Donut on the way. He was game and that was that. When I got home, I crawled into bed and was almost immediately asleep.