Looking In The Mirror Is Bad For The Self Esteem

I ended up with blisters on both of my feet from the sneakers I wore last night with no socks. I haven’t even tried to put on shoes today, but the sting of the soapy water in the shower this morning was enough to tell me it wouldn’t be a good idea. After the steam had gone and the mirror cleared, I took a good look at my face and pajama-clad body. Laugh lines have begun to creep out under my eyes and on either side of my mouth, the cold weather has made my skin dry and flaky in spots, my hair is desperately in need of a cut and color, some of the blisters have broken and become raw, and overall I feel fat and ugly. Before I’d gotten up and seen all of this, I’d tried to wake up and be affectionate with D but got no response. He’s not much of a morning person anyway but, once I’d seen myself in the mirror even after a shower, I guess I wouldn’t want me today either.

I have a ton of laundry to do in the next few hours and I’m looking forward to clean sheets and a freshly made bed. The wind is whistling through the chimney and it’s already dark outside so it feels much later than ten ‘til 5. Jason called earlier to see if I was going out to the bar tonight and at the time I wasn’t sure but now all I can think about is being alone...in some ways, I think I deserve to be alone tonight after the way I behaved this morning.

Your Regularly Scheduled Emotional Outburst

Announcer: Yes, it’s time for another episode of “How Stupid Is She?,” hosted by Ima Whiner and sponsored in part by a grant from the Foundation For Girls Who Fall For The Wrong Guys. Today’s guest is Nina Zero, author of the compelling weblog “Bursting With Fruit Flavor.” Now, here’s Ima!

(Audience applause)

Ima: Thank you…thank you. Nina, welcome.

Nina: Thank you, Ima. It’s great to be here.

Ima: Let’s get right to it and talk about your love life, shall we? We here at “How Stupid Is She?” have been doing some research and our sources tell us you’ve been romantically linked to D, a famous karaoke superstar. Are the rumors true?

Nina: Well, Ima, contrary to popular belief, we are not, in fact, a couple.

Ima: Really? Our cameras have seen you two out and about looking very cozy...(papparazzi-style, secret camera photographs of Nina and D kissing and holding hands at night clubs and telephoto lens, through the kitchen window shots of them cooking Thanksgiving dinner together flash on the screen behind the chairs on stage)

Nina: No, really…we’re not…well…he doesn’t want…I mean…it’s not like we don’t…I mean….it’s just that…well, he cares about me and we really enjoy each other’s company and we’re attracted to each other and have an emotional connection, but he’s in love with two other women whom he’s been friends with for a long time but are currently involved with other people and….well, I….(starts tearing up)…wait a minute, what is this? A Barbara Walters Special?

Ima: (clears throat) So, it appears to the world that you two are an item and now you’re telling me that he has feelings for not one, but two other women… Nina, how stupid are you?

Nina: (sobbing) I know, I know! We've been dating for a month and a half and nothing has changed! “Don’t get attached!” I told myself. “Keep him at a distance!” I told myself. I never listen and now look at me: (turns to the camera, makeup running down her cheeks) I’ve become Tammy Faye Baker minus the religious self-righteousness! (hangs her head and blows her nose)

Ima: Now, now…don’t be too hard on yourself. He is a charming young man and you….well, you are stupid, so you don’t really know any better.

Nina: (sniffling) Oh the shame…

Ima: Well, it looks like we’re out of time. I’d like to thank Nina Zero for being on the show and being so stupid. Tune in next week when our guest will be Hillary Clinton. Thank you and good night!

(audience applause)

(fade out to commercial)

Ok, It's Later...

Damn, I love Indian food. Wait, I'm sure you already know that. I also love seeing old friends that I haven't seen in awhile...like when Owen, Matt and Ed showed up at the bar on Friday night. I forgot to mention that in yesterday's post but that rocked. Owen actually kissed me and bear hugged me and told me he'd missed me. Crazy. Tonight, the regular bar kids are heading down to Dante's so I'm gonna call Owen to see if he'd be into going. I do miss him and I wish we made a point of seeing other more often...

Short Week Ahead...Woo!

This weekend was ...interesting. D picked me up Friday evening and we headed down to the bar. After awhile, he was tired and ready to go so we stopped at my house to pick up clean clothes and made our way back to his house. He woke up Saturday and was running a super high fever....he's usually warm, but it was like his skin was on fire. I sent him straight to the shower and when that didn't cool him off, I proceeded directly to plan B: Shauna's evil cold towel torture treatment. That helped a bit and after a bowl of soup, oj, water and some Tylenol, I sent him back to sleep for a few hours. Once we got going again, we headed down to get a pizza and say hi at to the folks at the bar and then it was back to my place and to bed. Today, he left early to pick up his grandparents from the airport and I slept late...'til almost 1pm. I got up and called Shauna to see if she and Trip were into seeing Gothika and they were so about an hour later we picked up D and headed out to Century 16. In a few minutes, we're heading out to get food and then I have a three day work week to get through before a four day weekend. I can't wait. Four days to sleep in. Yeah baby yeah. More later...

Just Not Cool.

I got an e-mail on Wednesday from someone I don't know, written anonymously, that only contained an exerpt from an entry in D's livejournal about an interaction we had that he wrote a month ago before things progressed the way they did. How fucked is that? I responded, hoping the sender would step up and explain why they felt the need to send it, but so far I've had no reply. And for the life of me, I can't think of who would send me something like that.

In other news, pretty much everyone I know is sick or getting over being sick. I would like to take this opportunity to say muchas gracias to the sick karma gods for giving me mono earlier this year, thereby making me exempt from getting sick until at least 2005. Aw yeah.

It’s Days Like Today…

…when I wonder what the hell I’m thinking. I told D shortly after we started seeing each other that the longest I’ve spent dating anyone was about two months and I’ve never gotten to the point where I called any one of them my boyfriend. My foresight was crystal in each of those cases because, though I’ve maintained friendships with some of them, the relationships were either destructive or superficial. I attract people who are looking for someone to fill a void or be their mother or just plain keep them from being lonely until they find someone “better.” This kills me. So, based on my track record, I have about a month left until things self-destruct. Why do I even think about stuff like this? Because he asks me things like, “Why me?” Instead of telling him the truth and saying that I think he’s wonderful and considerate and adorable and all around great and that I care about him, I should have made a joke out of it and said because he’s a hot piece of ass. My hindsight is even better than my foresight.

Half Way There

With my work day more than half over, I'm starting to feel a bit better than I did first thing this morning and I'm getting jazzed about the show tonight. Just knowing that I don't have to get up in the morning to go to work is keeping me running right now. Well, that and the Indian food I'm eating for lunch....mmmm...tasty.

*insert kung-fu sound effects here*

I had two big lattes today (both free...woo!) and the caffeine and sugar are kicking my ass. But, even though I'm feeling like shit, I'm in a great mood. Must be the 10 hours of sleep I got last night. I only have one more day of work this week, so I'm ready to sleep in on Friday and just have the day to myself. I'm heading out to the bar tonight with Shauna, seeing Maserati with D tomorrow night, seeing Mono with D on Friday night and then it's Dad's birthday Saturday. I'm having a premonition that the next few days are going to be good times...
Damn, it feels good to be a psychic. <--note the song reference...ha...

I Doubt Everything, Including Myself

This is my zen wisdom for today:

-->The confidence you see is a beautiful lie carefully constructed to keep me from letting you in and me out.

Any questions? No? Good. Carry on.

Rock Star Treatment

I sang "Rebel Yell" last night at Dante's and that was seriously the coolest...EVER. They gave me the full reverb, light show, guitar solo treatment and it was awesome!! After that, Jason, Corey, John and his friends and D and I went back over to the bar and Lara and Rachel were there so we hung out with them for awhile before finally going home. I did not want to get up this morning... I feel like crap and I didn't even drink last night. I think I've stressed myself out so much lately that I forced the guest room renovation to start early. Guh. I can't wait to spend a night down with my folks, kick back, hear more about their recent trip to Europe and just relax. I hope that's on the agenda for Saturday because I'm giving up a night with D to make it happen and I desperately need the break from things here...

Hey Baby

Shauna got the No Doubt album "Rock Steady" yesterday and that's what was playing when I got out of the shower this morning. I wish they had "Hey Baby" at Dante's Karaoke From Hell (though I don't know how'd they'd pull that off with a live band) because that's where D and I are going tonight. I never know what to sing when I go there and end up singing stuff that requires no effort just to get up and feel like a rockstar. Maybe I'll give something new a shot...couldn't be any worse than when I sang the GooGoo Dolls song "Iris" the other night at the bar. What a disaster. I knew right then why I always sing the same songs....I know them and I'm good at them. Failure, at whatever endeavor regardless of how ridiculous, is never fun.

Happy?

Yet another really good weekend with D... Friday night out at the bar... Saturday sleeping in, late breakfast at the Detour Cafe, back to the house to watch The Matrix Reloaded and all of the special features, laying around and listening to him play guitar and sing, out to the bar and then over to the Ohm to see Dr. Theopolis, back to the bar and stopped at Voodoo Donut on the way home for fresh donuts...today sleeping in late and laying around talking and whatnot. All good stuff. He's getting closer and I'm letting him. I invited him home with me for Thanksgiving, but I don't know if he'll come. In fact, there's a lot I don't know...

Quiet After The Breakdown

My boss called me into her office this morning and asked me what's been going on this week...said I wasn't myself, it seemed like I didn't want to be here and that she could tell there was something wrong. I, of course, started crying. The stress from so many facets of my life, mostly work, came to a head and exploded. It's been too much and, in usual Tiffany style, I tried to do everything. I can't fix everything for everyone and I can't keep up with my responsibilities as well as do half of someone else's job. On top of all that, someone I care a lot about is hurting emotionally and consequently I hurt. I can deal with one part of my world being chaotic, but not both. Therefore, my focus has been on things outside of work and I haven't been able to find a second to breathe here in the office. Last night, I did some laundry and went to bed early (8:30ish). I slept like the dead but felt very alone when I woke up this morning. Not surprisingly, letting the tears flow earlier today helped with the stress factor. ...I think I need a break...

"You are so fucking cute..."

I don't feel very cute. In fact, I feel like the furthest thing from it.

Guh.

As we're driving around the curves on a dark road through Lewis and Clark College, I heard a heavy sound that was distinctly not part of the song playing on the radio at the time. I pulled over and we found that the back passenger side tire was pretty much destroyed. Sweet. I called Owen and then Ed and about 20 minutes later Ed showed up with a tire inflator (my hero!) but both the spare and the tire that was already on the car were beyond help. Ed dropped us off at Blockbuster so we could rent a movie (Matrix Reloaded) and planned to be back at my house this morning at 7:30 to get to Les Schwab and change out the tire with enough time left over to make sure I got to work today on time. That guy saved my ass and for that I'm eternally grateful.

Monday night I was an emotionally overwhelmed mess (same as what always happens....too many things to deal with at once made me snap and withdraw from everyone) and I'm sorry to say D had to see me like that. I ended up taking him home to Hillsboro and then crashed with him for a few hours as I was exhausted and not in the mood for the drive back to my house. As I was just falling asleep with him holding me and trying desperately not to cry, he said, "I really do care about you, you know..." and, yet again, I didn't know what to say. So I said nothing. And I feel shitty about that.

I'm Only Making It Worse.

It's sad to say that he's only trying to care and not really caring at all, but that seems to be the fact of the matter. We spent the whole weekend together and I know that it means very little to him. It's like he's looking for something or someone to make him feel anything other than how he normally feels, which is depressed and lonely and empty, and I'm conveniently filling that role for the moment. It's a weird place to be... because I know he will eventually be done and then I will be the one who's left feeling hollow. Having said all of that, it doesn't make me care less. That is something I hate about myself, actually. I see so much potential and beauty in who he's trying desperately to be that it doesn't matter if he cares or not. While it would be nice, I'm going to continue to care either way because he deserves to have someone who supports him and wants him to be as happy as he tries to make everyone else. I don't think he believes that...and it kills me. I guess I'm just better at hiding my own similar feelings than he is...