This Is Getting Ridiculous.

Last night, Owen (one of the few old friends from college I still see and hang out with) came over to see the new apartment and hang out for a bit. Everything was fine and normal until the "birthday debacle" came up (I don't remember who brought it up or why, so there can be no fingers pointed)... We both turned 30 this year, about a month apart, and I didn't go to his birthday party. As a consequence, he didn't come to mine. I hadn't really given it much thought until he let me know last night that it really upset him. He said it bothered him that I would go hang out with someone I didn't know very well in the general scheme of things rather than go to his birthday party, which he'd made a point of giving me advance notice about. As I hadn't thought about it until it was brought up last night, I didn't really have anything to say about it as far as feeling remorse goes. I explained that I could see how it would upset him that I, who has a flawless track record when it comes to following through on what I say I'll do, bailed on him, but over the course of the last 12 years, he's done it to me hundreds of times and I haven't ever said one word about it. I said I couldn't understand how he would make such a big deal about one incident when I've let hundreds go over the course of our relationship. The conversation shifted and turned into a big, ugly, crying mess... She said: "I got tired of being hurt so I stopped caring about the little, insignificant crap..."....."What are you holding on to here? I'm obviously just a source of guilt and torment for you..."....."Go ahead, you've walked away me hundreds of times so I'm used to it..."...."I'm tired of having to remind you that I care about you...I don't have to do this with anyone else and it's getting old." He said: "I guess I thought our relationship was as important to you as it is to me, but apparently not..."....."You just said I can't hurt you anymore and that you don't care about me..."....."I almost walked out of here thinking that was it and we were just done..."...."Maybe I'm just too stupid to get it." Guh. You'd think I was fighting with a boyfriend or something.

Eventually, I decided I was done talking and said I was going to bed. He looked like he was going to cry, which would have made me feel a little better as I'd spent the previous 20 minutes crying and he was just looking at me like I'd lost my mind. He mumbled something about it being nice to see me and we both raised a pathetic hand acknowledging his departure. I locked the door behind him and crawled into bed.

That was bullshit. And because of it, I'm wiped out today. I fully acknowledge that relationships aren't easy, but I'll be damned if they're supposed to be that hard.