I'm so damn funny it hurts.

Wanna see me on New Year's Eve after 4 beers? I know you do... go on, take a peek.

The beginning of the end

New Year's Eve plans? Impossible to make any because my friends are punkass bitches with zero ability to think beyond five minutes from now. Did I just type that out loud? Hmm.

Tonight is yet another traditionally couples oriented celebration and as I'm not in one, I'm boycotting. I may well go out and get fired up. I may well go to one of the parties I was invited to attend. I may even blow noise makers and participate in a champagne toast. But I refuse to participate in the midnight make-out with whoever happens to be standing next to me just because of some stupid tradition. Unless the person standing next to me happens to be Rupert Everett and he's turned straight for the evening or Orlando Bloom dressed as Legolas from Lord of the Rings decides to stop by or Jason Lee has left his wife and shows up just to make out with me. I may even break my boycott for Jeremy Piven or Brandon Boyd from Incubus or Colin Farrell or Joseph Fiennes. But that's it. Well, I suppose if one of the guys I'm already friends with made a move....wait, no, that's just wrong. I'm only making boycott exceptions for rock stars or actors. Yeah.

Kicking themselves right in the ass

I never thought I'd say this but I really like my job. *gasp* I know, it's scary. But when people tell you all day how great you are, it's hard not to like it. Even the residents have been commenting to the other people I work with how much they like me and how pleasant it's been having me help them (I work in the leasing office of a three tower apartment complex). And today, I got to spend some time talking to the manager and she, along with the rest of the staff, wishes she could hire me and hadn't been so quick to hire the other girl. Although I know there's no permanent job waiting for me at the end of the assignment, at least I know I'm going to leave with an awesome recommendation. Go me!

They really really like me!

The people at the office I've been temping at for the last two weeks love me. In fact, they want their boss to tell the chick she hired that they already have someone else and then just keep me. Yeahhh. Too bad it doesn't really work that way.

Karaoke for dummies

We went to this bar over on Burnside called the Stardust last night and I loved it. I've never seen people so fired up about karaoke before. Some goth dude did Nights in White Satin and by the end of hte song he was thrashing around on the floor like a rockstar....I didn't even know you could take that song to that level! Anyhoo, just as I was getting to the point of full-on karaoke preparedness (that's three sheets to the wind), we had to go. *sigh* Ah well, I'll bust out Fiona Apple's Criminal next time...

Back to the grind

There's just something about temping that chaps my hide. The fact that people assume you're an idiot because you haven't been adequately trained to answer their seemingly simple questions is probably the worst part for me. I'm a smart girl and I learn things quick if given the chance, so when people look at me like I'm something they just wiped off the bottom of their shoe when I say I don't have the answer to their question, but I'd be happy to find out, it's a little annoying. Being the receptionist means always being cheery and basically playing hostess for the office. I can do that if the people who come in aren't being assholes. I guess what I'm saying is this: grumpy people suck.

Thank gawd I spent all all those years studying acting....

*sleigh bells and mistletoe*

Spending the day thinking of all the people I can't be with but would love to see....

My sister Brandy
Owen, Sam and Matt
Chris, Sean and the Boot posse
Jen in LA
Koji in San Fran
The folks at The Pub
The boys in the band
The girls from SHMC and ONS
My relatives, wherever they may be

I have all of you in my head and heart and send you hugs wherever you're spending your holiday. Peace and booty grease!

It's Christmas Eve...do you know where your beer is?

I am shocked at how easy shopping was today. Got a parking space right in front of the doors at the mall, didn't have to wait in line at Hickory Farms or the calendar kiosk or Bath and Body Works, didn't have to deal with any traffic, found Lindemans raspberry ale for cheap at Cost Plus Marketplace and the pie was ready an hour early. What the crap? Not that I'm complaining, but what the crap? I thought Christmas eve was supposed to be the most heinous shopping day of the year and it turned out to be quite pleasant, actually. Came home and cracked open the bottle of wine I picked up and now I'm gonna make chocolate chip cookies. Just goes to show that low expectations make for pleasant surprises...

Howdy from Eugene!

Yup, I'm home for the holidays and sleeping in my mom's red, white and blue craft room in the smallest bed known to man. I never knew daybeds were so shrimpy. I must just be used to my full size bed and being able to stretch out. It's only for tonight and tomorrow so I guess I'll live. My grandmother is here as well and she's in the pink room with the full sleigh bed and all the family photos... I dunno what's worse, sleeping in the midget bed or waking up to old pictures of me from the 80's? *cringe*

The best Christmas movie ever

There were so many people at the party last night that I hadn't seen in years. It was great to catch up and nice to know that no matter how long some of us go without seeing each other, the friendships are solid enough that we fall right back into the old comfort zones. Since some of the old college gang are in town for the holidays, someone suggested going to the Laurelhurst Theater tonight to see A Christmas Story. Hell yeah! That movie is a classic... and since we all have a little dysfunction in our families, we love it. I think everyone going has seen it at least ten times, so if we should happen to get a little rowdy (what with the beer flowing freely in the theater), forgive us if we start yelling the dialog at the screen.

It's Saturday! Woot woooo! ickyickyicky

Yeah, I've been listening to Ludacris. So, sue me. I also got a haircut. You got a problem with that? Yeah, I didn't think so. Pssh. You think you're all badass coming in here with your, "What the hell is that?" but you aren't so tough. For all your smack-talkin', you're just a little punkass wannabe. So, back off, yo.

...What?

Hooray for Friday!

I'd forgotten how cool Fridays are since I haven't been working, but since I temped all week, I can't even begin to explain how stoked I am that the weekend is here. Heading out to see Dr. Theopolis again tonight and have a beer or three. There's a party tomorrow night that should get pretty out of control, so I can't over do it tonight. Two nights in a row just doesn't work for me anymore...

Oh yeah, if you're interested in contributing to the other blog I mentioned (and found the whole "in your pants" thing funnier than hell), shoot me an e-mail and let me know... the more the merrier.

New Blog

I'm starting a second blog, but who knows if it'll go anywhere. If it takes off, I'll link to it here....

And now for my stolen song of the day:

Workin' at a temp job,
Goin' down downtown
Workin' at a temp job,
Whoop about to break dooowwn....

C'mon and take a free ride

The bus was so full this morning that the four people at my stop all had to get on through the backdoor. What does that mean? Free rides for everyone! Woo! Add to that a fairly slow day at work (good thing since two people were out sick and I'm still learning), an interview at Owen's office that seemed to go well and a nice, chatty bus driver on the way home. Excellent. If I could guess why my day went so well, I'd have to give credit to the conversation last night. Nothing like laughing hysterically to get me in a good mood. Oh, and the thought of adding "in your pants" to my phone greeting: "Hey, this is Tiffany...I can't come to the phone right now so leave a message in your pants and I'll get back to you much sooner than normal. Thanks!"

Go on, try it

I spent this evening chatting with some old friends on Yahoo and as it got later, things just got goofy. I suggested that everyone add "in your pants" to the end of everything they said from that point on and I swear I almost peed myself laughing. And now that I've just shared that, I'm going shamefully to bed. Thankyouandgoodnight.

Grumble, grumble

First, I wrote up this long post on Sunday and just as I was finishing the proofreading portion of the program, the pc froze up and ate my post. Damn. So, I was a little disgruntled and avoided the keyboard until today.

I start a temp job tomorrow (well, actually today) that runs through the rest of the week and potentially through the end of the year. Yay me. Also, Owen came and picked up my resume to take to his office because there's an admin position opening up and they want the people who already work there to recommend people they know. I told him to tell them they'd love me, so he's gonna talk me up and we'll see what happens. I'm also applying for a job at Metro (includes the convention center, the performing arts center and the expo center) working as an admin asst for the Portland Center for the Performing Arts. I had to answer three supplimental question on a separate sheet so I felt like I was writing an essay about why they should hire me. I hate those. Or maybe I just hate the idea of pimping myself.

Heading down to Eugene for Christmas next week and the 'rents are getting my favorite Dutch apple pie from Metropol Bakery. Aw yeah.... my folks rock!! Still haven't made solid plans for New Year's, though I'm supposed to go to the Jeffersons show at the Tonic that night. The question remains with whom? Why do I even care if I have a date for New Year's? It's not like I ever have before... *light bulb* Damn that frickin' When Harry Met Sally!!

Feelin' Funky

There's a Dr. Theopolis show tonight at the Tonic Lounge so it's time to fire it up. I need a nap first, though. Gawd, I'm sad...

Anyhoo, I was talking to my friend Greg about this and that and mentioned I'd met one of the people who reads my blog the other day. He said he's never met any of his readers (that he didn't already know). Huh. He said if he ever did, he'd write about the meeting in his blog. I'm not sure why, as I don't have anything bad to say, but somehow the idea of rehashing the meeting here seems .... weird. Partly because I know he reads this and partly because I'm not sure what to say anyway. I didn't really know what to expect (other than a smart-ass in a green jacket), so when a cute guy sat down at the table across from me, I turned into rambling weinie girl. Guh. Seeing as that was the case, who'd want to read about that anyway, right? Right.

I saw J. yesterday on the street and we talked for a few minutes. He asked where I'd been since I haven't been around lately and I didn't have the heart to tell him I've been intentionally avoiding him. Also, I started getting that awkward anxiety feeling again and didn't know how to act. So, I avoided the question and asked what he'd been up to and how it was going with the girl he'd been seeing from Eugene. Apparently, he hasn't seen her since October and it isn't going. Huh. Said I wasn't surprised and then changed the subject again to ask about he show tonight. Then I couldn't take it anymore and said I had to go but would probably see him tonight. The way he was looking at me was killing me. .....why is it that, everytime I see that guy, I get that insecure, high school feeling and act like a bumbling idiot?....

Sweet!!!!!

I was cruising through my daily reads and over at Who Woulda Thunk It?, there was a link to this. Oh hell yeah. I read about The Game a few years ago and thought, "If I had a random $25,000, I'd put together a team and do that!" I've always loved scavenger hunts and Urban Challenge sounds like it'd be a blast.

Entertainment

So, I have a ton of free time, which means I'm constantly looking for ways to entertain myself. I went to Conan's last night to see Mark's band Wyatt Herb last night and that was.... ok, there's not a word readily available in my vocabulary to describe it. It's four guys in cowboy hats playing pseudo-reggae with Mark singing (?) and playing the lap-steel with tex-mex sound effects. I was amused, to say the least.

I've spent a fair amount of time with my head down over a box of beads since I moved up here, so I have a bunch of new jewelry to show for it. I need to take pictures of that stuff and see if I can sell it on E-bay or something. Or maybe I should go into some of the little local boutiques and see if anyone is interested in either buying it outright or a consignment deal. Something...

Oh yeah... I had the weirdest dream last night. I was sitting at the edge of a swimming pool and looking over the side into the water at the cut-out where the filter is. There was a little brown baby duck, half alive, just laying there sort of struggling. I reached down, picked it up, dried it off and set it down next to me. It seemed fine, so I looked over the edge of the pool again and down at the bottom, there were about 5 or 6 eggs starting to hatch. I dove in and swam to the bottom to get them all and some of them had come out of their shells so I hurried to get them all to the surface and dry them off. Once I dried them all off and made sure they were ok, I woke up. My dad gave me a dream dictionary last weekend and it says that baby animals in dreams signify a desire for children. Interesting, but I think that book is full of crap.

Como se dice "moron" en Espanol?

I have no job. My cousins with the new Cuban restaurant have been looking for another bartender and server. I went to bartending school a few years ago. My cousins didn't know that. The positions were both filled about a week ago. I didn't know until two days ago they needed people because I've been looking at the clerical/admin ads in the paper, not restaurant ads. I'm going to have to kick my own ass now.

Open, damn you!!

Why is the library closed on Monday? I don't get it. People need information on Monday the same as all the other days of the week. Are librarians anti-Monday or something? It not like the books and computers need a break or anything... they like dispersing knowledge! It's their job! The people need the knowledge, dammit! And what about those unfortunate individuals who rely on the measly hour a day internet access the library provides? What are they supposed to do on Mondays? It's not like the internet stops for Monday...e-mail still needs to be sent, weblogs still need to be updated, online comics still need to be read.... The library is just encouraging the universal hatred for Mondays and I, for one, am not buying into it. I'm just going to start hating the library. It's not Monday's fault the damn building is closed...

Perspective

After breakfast this morning, my folks and I went over to Vancouver to see my great aunt Rosie and uncle Don. Aunt Rosie has cancer and hemochromatosis and isn't doing so hot. Her son Robert had spoken to my dad and said the doctors weren't thinking she'd be around for Christmas, so my folks wanted to go see her while they were up here and asked me to go with them.

This is the third person in my family I've seen just before they die of cancer. When my gramps died three years ago, I'd seen him just a week before and he didn't look like himself. I saw my great uncle John (one of aunt Rosie's brothers) about a month or so before he died and he didn't look like himself either. Today, aunt Rosie was a shadow of the woman I saw a few months ago at my grandmother's birthday party. All three of them were painfully thin from the chemo and hollow sounding from being dehydrated. But the thing that sticks with me aside from the physical similarities is what they said: "Next time you see me, I'll be out of this bed and running around." (uncle John) "I never have seen your house in Eugene. When I'm feeling better, I'll have to come down for a visit." (aunt Rosie) "Aw, g'won...I can get it myself. I'm fine." (gramps)

I'm not sure where the courage comes from to keep fighting in the face of death the way they all did/do, but I hope it's hereditary.

How'd they do that?

My folks noticed the 10 lbs. They took me to lunch and dinner and they're picking me up at 10 tomorrow for breakfast. Geez...

Send in the troops

I called my folks a few days ago to give them the lowdown on my current situation and to let them know that I would not be coming down to visit this weekend, but would definitely be there for Christmas. My mom called me yesterday and said they're coming up on Saturday, spending the night at a hotel somewhere and taking me out to eat. She mentioned I'd left some clothes for Goodwill with them before I moved up here and she sold some of them to a resale place and got $20 for me. Also, they want to take me grocery shopping while they're here and she's bringing me a macaroni quiche. She wanted to know if there was anything else I'd like her to make and bring up for me. From the sound of things, my parents are under the impression that I'm soon to be homeless, starving and living in a van down by the river.

I dunno what it is with parents thinking their adult kids aren't eating. That used to be one of the first questions my mom asked me when I'd call her from college, "How's the food? Are you getting enough to eat? Can we send you anything?," and it always made me wonder where she got the idea that her kid was suffering from an eating disorder. If anything, I could previously have been accused of eating more than my share. Now, I eat when I'm hungry, try to be sensible about what I consume and make a conscious effort not to overeat. But I'm certainly not starving myself. However, I decided not to mention that I've lost 10 lbs since I started feeling sick.

The last part of the conversation included a reminder that, while they know it's not something I'd want to do, I can always come back home and live with them. At that point, of course, I started crying and said I knew and I had to go. I should mention that while this conversation was going on, Owen was sitting at my house, had already heard my story and said there was an empty room in the basement of his house I could move into if I wanted when I found a job. While we've talked about living together on several occasions over the last 10 years, this is the first time it could actually be a reality. I'm still not sure how I feel about that, but we'll see what happens... I should also mention that the moving home comment prompted me to submit applications for 7 different positions at OHSU today. That's right, 7. And now we wait.

Getting desperate

I should have guessed this would happen. But I walk around blind half the time and just plain oblivious the other half. The talk of getting a bigger place has been permanently scrapped because it would be too much of a hassle, but this place is too small for all three of us to stay. As I'm the odd man, I'm out. What that means is, as soon as I find a job, I need to find a new place to live. *sigh* I'm going to go back to crying now...

Playing with my brain

I was going to just hit the sack early tonight and read a little before I fell asleep, but when the roomies ask me to play Trivial Pursuit, I can't say no. They have the millenium edition, so the questions mostly have to do with the last 20-30 years (read: stuff I should know). We each have categories that we really do well in and others that we're really clueless about, but Ryan seems to have the most well-rounded knowledge base. Needless to say, he won tonight and I had only acquired 3 out of the 6 pie pieces. Ah well. It's become obvious to me that I need to brush up on sports trivia, politics and history and I know way more than anyone really needs to about art and literature, science and nature, and entertainment trivia. If ever there's a Jeopardy pop culture tournament, I'm so there...

Oh yeah, I'm interviewing with Office Team tomorrow at 10:30. This will be the 5th temp agency I sign on with and I'm wondering now why I didn't go to them first. I worked for them right after I got out of college and never went more than a week without work. All of the jobs I took were long term assignments that went anywhere from three months to a year and a half. And they still have my work records on file at the office in Eugene to send up here to the Portland branch office. I'm kicking myself for not thinking of them sooner...

Ha! The results are in!

You are the playful pin-up! Do you know how to be serious? What Type Of Retro Gal Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

I've still got it

Cabin fever had set in and I had to get out of the house today. So I went downtown to the library and then window shopped for a bit. Amazing how a walk in the cold will suck away all traces of cabin fever and make you want nothing more than to snuggle up on the couch in the pajamas you couldn't wait to get out of 3 hours earlier. Anyway, I walked over to the bus stop on 5th and Yamhill and I saw this little boy standing there with his mom. He must have been about 4 or 5 and he was a real cutie pie. He kept looking over at me and then whispering to his mom and giggling. She finally said, "I'm sure she's already got a boyfriend or she's married." The boy looked at me and I shrugged my shoulders and shook my head no. His eyes got really big and he whispered something to his mom. She said, "Well, she must already have kids of her own." Again, he looked at me and I shrugged my shoulders and shook my head no. He leaned over, whispered something to his mom and then they went back and forth saying, "You tell her." "No, you." "No, you...go ahead." Finally his mom looks over and smiles, "He wants you to be his girlfriend." We both laughed a little and then I asked him, "Are you sure I'm not too old for you?" He thought about it for a second and said, "No, I don't think you're too old..." and then looked at me expectantly. Mom decides to help him out by saying, "Go ahead and tell her you have a job." He gave her a dirty look and then looked at me, hung his head and said, "I don't really have a job." Turns out he does... he gets two dollars a week for cleaning his room. *L* The kid at the bus stop makes more than I do and wants to be my boyfriend... how do you like that? Gotta love kids...

Taking a new approach

Since I've been actively looking for work for the last 2 1/2 months, but not in fact working, it's come to my attenton that I've been going about this process all wrong. I had another interview this morning and it went just like all the others have seemed to go - well. I smiled and gave a firm hand shake at arrival and departure, nodded and smiled appropriately during the job expectations monologue, answered all of the questions with careful thought and insight... basically, I'm an interviewer's dream candidate. I'm fully, if not at times over, qualified, personable, polite, professional and ready to start today. I pick up new skills with ease, learn names quickly, multi-task like a pro and do it all with a smile. Damn, I'm good! But, I still don't have a job. So, on my way home today, I'm sitting at the back of the #4 bus thinking to myself, "What the hell is your problem??" And then it hit me. The stench of dirty feet, old cigarettes and alcohol breath. Nice. Gotta love the bus. Anyway, I realized that the one thing I haven't been doing in any of these interviews is beg. Now, I've seen this tactic work like a charm when used on a frazzled mom in a mall, a sucker boyfriend at the movies, and even a softie police officer trying to give a ticket. I think begging just might work for me, too.

Begging has several merits. First, it's shows that I'm not too proud to ask for help. Yes, I do have some pride left and it's not like I'm begging for spare change. I want to earn that spare change. Second, it shows my sensitive side. I'm sensitive to rejection and I'm willing to beg to avoid it again. Finally, begging shows a potential employer that I'm willing to go to any lengths to prove how much I want to work for them. Ok, at this point I want to work for anyone, but they don't know that. So, if the job I interviewed for today doesn't come through, I'm gonna try this begging thing out and see how it goes. Not like I have anything to lose, right?

Science vs. The Underworld

While I've been sick for the last 5 or 6 days, I haven't mentioned it because I was in denial. I have this process I follow when I'm sick that entails lots of fruit (vitamin C), lots of water (flush out the system), and lots of denial (mind over body). Once the final stage of a cold sets in, and by cold I mean full on bronchial infection that lays in my chest for what seems like forever sucking away my will to live, the first two parts of the process have done all they can for me and the third part is a physical impossibility. Today is day one of that stage. The "coughing up demons" stage.

We've all been there: spent the last few days taking it easy and getting plenty of rest, gagging down the not-even-remotely-close-to-cherry-flavored NyQuil every 4 to 6 hours, taking hot showers in a feeble attempt at steaming your sinuses clear, digging through the drawers in search of those vitamin C tablets/echinacea drops/lemon herbal tea bags you bought the last time you were sick. And you haven't been feeling all that bad. Mostly just tired and a little sniffly. The worst is usually in the morning after every last bit of liquid in your head has spent the whole night draining into your chest and congealing, but the first few days, you cough a little and nothing happens. So, you think you're starting to feel better. Too bad you're wrong.

About a week into a good serious cold, you wake up in the middle of the night unable to breathe and have a nasty coughing fit. The tossing and turning ensues and you realize that all the denial in the world isn't going to change the fact that something evil has crawled down your throat and taken up residence in your chest. Being the territorial type, this is unacceptable. After spending the last week deep in denial, the reality of your situation comes as quite a shock and your body has a violent physical reaction for the next few days. It's mission? Take back your lungs and eject all trespassers! You thought you were sick and tired last week? Ha. You hadn't even begun to fight...

Strange but true, the variety of demons that look for empty chest cavities to live in are the quiet middle-aged sort. They mostly keep to themselves, read Nietzche, listen to Wagner and mind their own business. They don't like alcohol, loud noise or bathing and they especially hate karaoke. Knowing all of this is crucial if you want them to move on in a timely fashion. So, the plan should go as follows:

1. Keep taking the NyQuil. There's enough alcohol in that stuff to knock you out, so you can be sure the demons aren't going to be happy.
2. Keep drinking a ton of water. It's not important which exit they use, as long as they leave, right?
3. Finally, throw on The B-52's album, Cosmic Thing and sing along to "Love Shack." I know your voice is really raspy and doesn't actually come out half the time when you're sick, but belt it out as best you can. Between the rattling chest, the noise, and the severe coughing this activity is sure to produce, the demons will take the hint and pack up their things.

As with any major move, it usually takes a few days to get everything out and make sure the place is clean, so don't be surprised if the demons take their time packing up and saying goodbye. This process is especially unpleasant for the people around you and maybe a little embarassing for you (the demons did choose you, after all), so if you can get the moving done when you're alone, that tends to work out best for everyone.

So, I'm off to start the demon relocation process... NyQuil, check. Water, check. B-52's, check. Roomies out for the day, check. Hot shower, here I come.