Addiction Is A Bitch

So, now that I'm wide awake at 1:37 in the morning, I want to watch the rest of the first season of Carnivale but can't because I don't have it. This makes me sad. Yes, I'm talking to you.

Can't Sleep

Tonight was weird. I was hanging out for most of the night with some friends at the bar, one of whom's twin brother was in town for the weekend and was cracking me up, and as soon as they left, I walked over to get another beer and got into a conversation with the British guy, who a few minutes later asked me if I wanted to have sex with him. Of course, I said no....actually what I said was, "Um, no...I'm not the kind of girl that goes home with boys like you." I'd seen two very friendly girls talking him up not five minutes before and was kinda of surprised he didn't leave with them. When I asked how it worked that he'd pass up a two-for-the-price-of-one deal but wanted to sleep with me, the explaination I got was that there are lots of girls he "could" have sex with, but there are only certain girls he "wants" to have sex with... evidently, I fall into the latter category. That's great. Go me.

All I can say is this is proof that I don't just hook up with random people.

He Should Have Just Left My Shit At The Bar.

Guh. After being treated like I'm invisible for the last couple of weeks, a hollow attempt at acting like he gives a shit means nothing to me. In fact, it made me feel horrible. I just don't understand what I did to deserve this.

Just Don't know What To Do With Myself

I decided to be responsible and stay home tonight. I'm drinking lemon tea and going to bed early. I stayed in bed most of the day, watched the first three episodes of Carnivale, and got up only to make food for myself and take a shower when I finally couldn't stand laying here anymore. Obviously, I can take care of myself but when I'm sick, I wish I didn't have to...

Down With The Sickness

I was in denial about the scratchy throat yesterday during my training class and sort of blaming the smoke at the bar last night but this morning when my alarm went off, I felt like shit and called in sick. Guh. Listerine for the throat, Nyquil for everything else and a hot bath to steam the hell out of my sinuses are all on the agenda today. I have to go to work tomorrow because the folks who weren't in the class with me Monday and Tuesday are going on Thursday and Friday and the only other people who'll be in the office are still fairly new. This sucks. And I'm supposed to go to the bar tonight to pick up the shirts Shauna borrowed once upon a time, but all I really want to do is lay here and not be sick tomorrow.

Chinese Food, Reality TV and My Birthday Festivities

Seven Stars. Sweet and sour chicken, spring rolls, steamed rice. Hell yeah.

Got home tonight after hanging out with Shauna around 9:30ish, just in time to watch the last half of the tv show about the obnoxious fiancee. That was good stuff. I don't watch a whole lot of tv but for some reason, stuff like that sucks me in. Same deal with Fear Factor. I'd be on that show in a heartbeat. I don't know what it is about the prospect of doing mildly dangerous and potentially disgusting stuff that gets me going, but I love the idea of doing the challenges on that show. I don't get freaked out about random creatures crawling on me, heights, water, eating sick stuff, falling off of anything wearing a harness or anything else they've done on that show. Wait, I take that back... they did a naked models on a runway thing and I wouldn't do that, but everything else I'd do for 50 grand. So sign me up...

In other news, my birthday is next week and you have plenty of options available to you for celebrating the day I was born. First there's the pre-birthday Hawthorne bar crawl on Tuesday, March 2nd. If you're interested in hopping the bars from Imbibe up to the Space Room with us, let me know and I'll give you the details. I'm guessing we'll stop in here at the casa for a shot of tequila, courtesy of my boss who is currently in Mexico and will be bringing me back a bottle, so if you haven't stopped by our apartment to say hi and check it out, come on up. Then there's my actual birthday on Wednesday, March 3rd. We're heading down to the Boiler Room around 9ish, people are encouraged to dress up and the party will go on until I say when....probably right around the time the bar closes or I pass out, whichever comes first. I'll be sleeping late the rest of the week (I took my birthday and the following two days off for a five day weekend) and out all of the following nights, so don't laugh when I collapse on Sunday. Weee!

Remind Me Not To Do That Again

I looked at myself in the mirror before we left the house last night and, for the tenth time, almost went back into my room and changed. I'd decided to test my roomie's philosophy of dolling up the exterior to adjust the attitude of the interior... also known as looking hot when you feel like shit. Overall, my outfit wasn't anything different than what I normally wear: long black skirt, black boots, black t-shirt and a pink sweater. The only difference was the t-shirt's plunging neckline that showed off my "charm and charisma." At this point, I'd like to remind people that I am, in fact, a girl. Honestly, people, they're just boobs. Who cares. Anyway, needless to say, I knew somebody was going to say something and I was fine with that. In fact, I wanted the compliments...I wanted to hear that I looked good and attractive and feminine. What I didn't expect was the very uncomfortable feeling that came along with the comments from people I didn't even know. I remembered about ten minutes after I walked into the bar why I don't wear stuff like that very often. I felt like the normal, nice girl I usually am had become the subject of a science experiment gone awry and all that was left of me was a giant walking set of tits. And while I sat on the window ledge talking to Brad and Lara, it struck me why I was uncomfortable: even now, two years after I lost all that weight, I'm mentally still in fat girl mode. I still hear that voice on the phone from 3 years back saying, "You're really nice and I think you're cool, but I'm not into big girls." I still remember the day that I overheard a friend of a friend saying, "She's got a pretty face...if she wasn't a fat chick, I'd totally do her."

I dunno. All I can say is that it'll probably be awhile before I let "the girls" out again in public. I guess I'm not a big fan of being "treated like a girl."

I Don't Want To Be Me Today

All the questions and phone calls and responsibilities that have been forced on me are making my head ache. I have money again and I'm going to the bar early tonight. But the first thing I want to do when I leave this place is step into a hot shower and wash away everything that makes my eyes burn and head hurt and that probably includes you. I want to feel something other than ugly and stepped on and taken for granted. I don't care today if you love me or not. Today my heart aches for all that it's given and not gotten in return. Today I want to be given what I never expect. I want to be kissed because I'm nice, not in spite of the fact. I want a fucking moment.

I Spent Last Night Dreaming Of Your Eyes...

*Harry Connick, Jr. has the sweetest voice...I love "Dream Of You"*

Things are coming together nicely at casa de Lara and Tiff...just got the crap I had left in boxes in the living room up into the storage cabinets last night and it made a big difference as far as walking space goes. With the exception of a dresser to put my clothes in, I've got my room all organized. The only thing left to do in there at this point is put up the pictures and stuff on the walls. It amazes me how much I can get done if I just go to it right when I get home from work and don't slip out of work mode.

I get my commission check tomorrow and hopefully my taxes will get deposited then too, so I'll be able to go out tomorrow night guilt-free. I can't wait until next month when I go back to getting my whole paycheck every two weeks and don't have to stress out about going out and whether or not I'll have enough money to get to and from work. Ooh, and shopping...I haven't been shopping in ages. Guh. I hate not having money.

In other news, I think I'm getting two free tickets to the Blazer game this Saturday night and dinner passes to the restaurant at the Rose Garden. Dunno what the hell I'm going to do with the other ticket, but I'm excited about seeing the game...

Last Night, She Said, "Oh Baby I Feel So Down..."

I swear to god, one day I will stop giving a shit about people. Ok, I know, that's total crap. I'm never going to stop caring. I've heard a million times that I'm too nice...so what if I'm nice? I'll keep being nice and keep caring and I'm not changing that for anyone. I'll keep trying to get to know and understand people because I do give a damn. Got a problem with that? No? I didn't think so. Punk.

Going For Broke

Last night was really nice....Guy called and came over to see the new place and took me for pizza downstairs just to catch up and hang for a bit. What a sweetie. If he picks up and moves out of the state like he's thinking about doing, I'll miss him...

After he took off, I ran a hot bath and I can not even begin to explain how needed that was. Once I was good and pruny, I put on my Superman pajamas, crawled into bed and read for awhile before I fell asleep. It was good to have some time to myself. I have to say, I love living with Lara....I have a great time with her when we do hang out, but we both have our own stuff going on so we get time to ourselves. I love that.

Today, I get to sort through some more books and see what I'm willing to give up to Powell's for some extra cash. I know I mentioned this before, but I'm ridiculously broke until Friday, so hopefully I'll be able to get enough cash to allow me to eat and socialize for the next few days. It wouldn't hurt me to clean out my closet either, just to see if there's anything the Red Light or Buffalo Exchange will take. Having all of those places so close makes my life sooo much easier.

One way or another, I'm gonna be at the bar for a bit tonight. Woo.

Never Thought I'd Say I Like Mondays

For the last two months, I haven't been going out on Monday nights. It's pretty much become the only night I don't go out and it's been nice to just curl up on the couch in pajamas and watch tv or a movie and relax. Plus, I'm broke this week anyway, so I'll be hanging out at home and I'm not opposed to company.

In retrospect, I realize I actually had an overall good weekend. Saturday I slept in, got my hair cut, got a slice of pizza at the Oasis Cafe, went and saw 50 First Dates with Jason and Nikki, hung out with Jason at my place and watched Breakin' until we headed down to the bar, apparently sang well, got to hang out with most of the people I care about and finally crashed at 4am. If you make a list of the good things that happened, it's hard to be grumpy about Valentine's Day. On Sunday, Lara and I hauled our clothes to the laundrymat up the street and had lunch at No Fish, Go Fish while we waited for our wash to be done. When we got back to the apartment, I tackled the huge pile of clothes that had taken over my bedroom floor and got organized. By the time I was done, I had enough time to check my e-mail and put on a sweater before we headed down to the bar. I was wiped out so I only stayed until midnight, which was just long enough to sing a couple songs, chat with Dan and catch my bus home. I started to fall asleep the minute the bus started moving... and I dreamed about standing at the end of the bar on Saturday night, looking up from my drink into blue eyes and a grin... then my stop was called and I stepped off the bus. Two minutes later, I was asleep in my bed. Definitely a good weekend.

Mercy Kiss

There are moments when my world feels very surreal. Last night, I had many of those moments. I think it boiled down to an external stimulus overload...too much input all at once, coming at me from all sides. Everywhere I looked, I felt pressure to be something or feel something or....something. Some nights I could chalk that up to alcohol, but that wasn't the case last night. Things were just weird.

Also, I wanted to make out last night and I didn't get to, so that was kinda sucky. Just saying.

Who Loves Ya, Baby?

It's Valentine's Day. If at all possible, you should make out today. In fact, you should make out everyday, but especially today. Because the chances of me getting to make out today are slim. Not non-existent, mind you, but slim. So go out into the world and find someone who makes you say, "Oh god" or "How do you do that when I'm not expecting it?" and get yourself some action.

Karma.

Suffice it to say that yesterday was a good day from beginning to end.

And It Wasn't Even My Birthday...

After taking 1/2 a vicodin earlier in the day and then another 1/2 when I got home from work, I still felt like someone had scraped my insides with a coat hanger. I took two Aleve before we left for the bar and reminded myself not to drink any alcohol when we got there. It was a slow Tuesday, mostly just regulars and two small groups of random people who danced to almost every song we sang. By the time everything I'd taken finally kicked in, I'd had two glasses of water, said very little to anyone and finally felt no pain. In fact, by that point, I felt nothing. Yesterday's decision to go back to hiding in the corner and not talking proved to be a force of nature rather than a choice as I was having difficulty focusing on any one thing all night. I hated being so scatter-brained but everytime I opened my mouth to say something, the words came out sloppy and felt foreign. At one point, I actually said to Lara, "I'm remembering you to drink more water" instead of what I meant to say, "I'm reminding you..." I had more than one person ask me how the water I'd been drinking all night was treating me and did I want a beer or something. When I responded with, "I can't...I took some Vicodin earlier and it wouldn't be a good idea," the looks I got made me a little uncomfortable and I wasn't in the mood to explain why I'd had to take the stupid pills in the first place. "Yeah, that's it," I thought, "I'm a Vicodin addict and I'm finally so cracked out that I'm just blurting it out....god, you people don't know me at all." In retrospect, I know that the questions were asked out of concern for my well-being and I'm just glad that I chose not to talk about it rather than vocalize my defensive thoughts.

Today, I'm better but not great. I'm sticking to Aleve for the next two days and if I'm good about remembering to take them before the previous ones wear off, I'll be fine by tomorrow. Tonight, I sing.

Go, Go, Go Shorty...

It's my new roomie's birthday today, so come on down to the Boiler Room tonight and sing her a song and buy her a drink. The party people will be there, so just do it.

It was really nice to stay in last night with Lara and Jason. I've missed veging on the couch in front of the tv and I needed the break from drinking and the bar. Ok, I actually needed a break from the stupid drama at the bar. People just need to relax and, to quote the Beastie Boys, "Let it flow, let yourself go, slow and low, that is the tempo." Yes, that includes me. I know, ok. A kiss is just a kiss....blah, blah, blah. If I just go back to hiding in the corner, not talking to anyone, that would probably be the best thing for everyone.

For Future Reference

I don't remember the first time someone I know told me they read this thing, but for as many times as it's happened since, it still surprises me. Two years into it, I write knowing that people will read it but the only reason I started this thing in the first place was to keep me honest with myself. I know that if people want to come looking for it, it's easy to find (Google search me or find me on Friendster). And, obviously, I have nothing to hide or I wouldn't write my life out for the world to read. The only messed up part about blogging is the potential for someone to read what I write and assume that I feel the way I did when I wrote a particular post all the time. If I go back and read a few months worth of entries, I know I don't come off as the happiest of girls. I write myself as constantly lovelorn and forever self-deprecating. It's true that I'm easily hurt, wear my heart on my sleeve and have mildly retarded tendencies, but in general, I'm ok. I get over being hurt, my heart mends itself over and over and I've actually graduated to driver of the short bus. So I worry sometimes that the sarcasm behind most of what I write doesn't always come through and, while I know that in any sarcastic comment there's an underlying honesty that anyone who knows me would pick up on, the overall perception of my character is only a snapshot of who I actually am.

I'm not really getting to the point of why I started writing this post...rambling is par for the course when I actually have to be serious and come out from behind the cover of jokes and sarcasm. So, just to make a few things crystal clear, I'll get right to it. The following are for those of you who've made assumptions based on what I've written as opposed to what I've said, so pay attention:

1. I am not currently, nor have I ever been, in love with anyone. Smitten? Sure. Crushing on? Absolutely. In love? Sorry, but no.

2. I freely admit when I am hurt and when I am not. If I say I'm over something, then I am, so let it go. I'm stronger emotionally than you give me credit for and if I cry, just know that it's out of frustration rather than hurt.

3. I need you to know that the walls I've built around myself are extremely high. I don't trust 99% of the people I meet, so if I've let you in, it was a choice not a random stupid coincidence. I made a choice to let you get close to me and, as with anyone I don't know very well, I made the choice based on faith....I see qualities in people that make me believe they deserve a chance and if I turn out to be wrong, then so be it. At this point, I deserve that same chance.

4. No matter what, I will always tell the truth. I will not sugar-coat things to spare your feelings because I am a good friend and I expect the same from you.

5. If you know me in the real world and are reading this, chances are pretty high that I care about you and want you to be happy. If I can do something to make that happen, I will.

If there's anything more that needs clarification, ask me. Like I said from the beginning, I have nothing to hide.

Don't Leave Me Hanging On The Telephone

First off, Blondie rules. 'Nuff said.

After work yesterday, I called him and asked what he was up to and wanted to know if he felt like getting a drink with me before going out for the night. He said he was staying home and having dinner with an old friend, but would see me this weekend. So I went home and decided to stop in at the pizza place below my apartment to grab a slice before heading down to Freddy's for shampoo and other miscellaneous house stuff. Joe was there and hooked me up with free pizza, which was totally unnecessary and very nice, and then asked if I wanted to get a beer with him after he got off work. I told him just to buzz me when he was done and we could go get a Ruby at the Bagdad across the street. Neither of us really felt like hitting the Boiler Room so it was kind of nice to stay in the 'hood and not have to worry about when the bus was leaving to get home, etc. He knows the bartender there so our beers were free (another unnecessary but very nice gesture), we had a good time talking and bitching to each other about the stupid crap we deal with and, as we were both tired, we bailed just before midnight.

Tonight, I am going to the BR. I will flirt unabashedly and damn the consequences. I will sing, drink and be merry. I will say exactly what's on my mind and I will not be "that girl." Watch me....it might be entertaining.

My Milkshake Is Better Than Yours

I woke up this morning with hair and skin that still smelled like a smoke-filled bar. I could never date a smoker because the idea of waking up next to someone who smelled like that all the time makes me ill. In fact, when I find out that someone smokes, they become infinitely less attractive. Strangely, the smoke doesn't deter me from going to the bar most nights. And that's all I have to say about that.

This morning, yet another cool thing about living where I now live happened: I walked out my front door as the bus pulled up and stepped right on. That ruled.

Tonight, I unpack some more of my crap and then head out again. The last two nights have been fun and I'm hoping the trend will continue. I need the trend to continue.

I'm In Love With A Clawfoot Tub

I'm exhausted. I still have so much to unpack and find a place for that the light at the end of the tunnel is currently blocked out by cardboard boxes. The bruises are still coming up and changing colors and the ankle I twisted on Saturday is still a little tender. When I got home last night, I spent the first hour and a half getting books out of boxes and onto shelves, trying to separate clean clothes from dirty ones and organizing food in the limited kitchen space. By 8pm, I wanted to collapse and decided to break in the newly refinished clawfoot bathtub. Oh My Gawd. After 1/2 hour in the hot water with a fizzy ball filled with bath salts, jasmine and who knows what else, my muscle aches had eased some and I was ready to pass out. I slept like dead and getting up this morning was hellacious. Everything I'd managed to relax last night was tense again this morning and I'm just ready for all of this moving stuff to be done.

Also, I talked to Lara last night and she's going to move in this coming weekend instead of later in the month. I'm actually glad it's sooner than later because the chaos in the apartment will be over and done with before my birthday (which is one month from today, if anyone cares). I want to start my 30th year on the planet with as little stress and drama as possible. At least as far as my living situation is concerned.

Socially, the drama seems to seek me out with the intent to destroy. I mind my own business and try to be nice to most everyone. It still finds me, drags me kicking and screaming into the waves and sucks me under until I can't breathe. The current situation is frustrating as hell (shocking, I know) because I can't do anything to change it. Girl likes boy, boy likes girl, other girl likes boy and boy knows it and doesn't want to hurt other girl's feelings because they're good friends, boy is torn and therefore boy and girl are at an impass, girl is saddened and frustrated. Tune in tomorrow for another episode of Stupid Soap Opera Central.

Back From The Hell That Is Moving

The moving of stuff is done and now all I have to do is organize my crap. This is something I'm both dreading and looking forward to finishing. I feel like I've been beaten and look like it too with all the bruises I'm sporting from the weekend. On top of that, I made an ass out of myself Friday night at the bar (I'm too damn nice and the thought of something I do or did making someone I like feel bad had me upset to the point of tears....more on that later as the situation is frustrating as hell) and witnessed a homeless man getting beat up by two guys while waiting for the bus last night and had to call the cops... Guh. Too much stuff going on and not enough love. Where's the love, dammit!?

Phone and cable are being set up at the new place this Friday so no access to the 'net until then except during my lunch break at work. Bleh.