For Future Reference

I don't remember the first time someone I know told me they read this thing, but for as many times as it's happened since, it still surprises me. Two years into it, I write knowing that people will read it but the only reason I started this thing in the first place was to keep me honest with myself. I know that if people want to come looking for it, it's easy to find (Google search me or find me on Friendster). And, obviously, I have nothing to hide or I wouldn't write my life out for the world to read. The only messed up part about blogging is the potential for someone to read what I write and assume that I feel the way I did when I wrote a particular post all the time. If I go back and read a few months worth of entries, I know I don't come off as the happiest of girls. I write myself as constantly lovelorn and forever self-deprecating. It's true that I'm easily hurt, wear my heart on my sleeve and have mildly retarded tendencies, but in general, I'm ok. I get over being hurt, my heart mends itself over and over and I've actually graduated to driver of the short bus. So I worry sometimes that the sarcasm behind most of what I write doesn't always come through and, while I know that in any sarcastic comment there's an underlying honesty that anyone who knows me would pick up on, the overall perception of my character is only a snapshot of who I actually am.

I'm not really getting to the point of why I started writing this post...rambling is par for the course when I actually have to be serious and come out from behind the cover of jokes and sarcasm. So, just to make a few things crystal clear, I'll get right to it. The following are for those of you who've made assumptions based on what I've written as opposed to what I've said, so pay attention:

1. I am not currently, nor have I ever been, in love with anyone. Smitten? Sure. Crushing on? Absolutely. In love? Sorry, but no.

2. I freely admit when I am hurt and when I am not. If I say I'm over something, then I am, so let it go. I'm stronger emotionally than you give me credit for and if I cry, just know that it's out of frustration rather than hurt.

3. I need you to know that the walls I've built around myself are extremely high. I don't trust 99% of the people I meet, so if I've let you in, it was a choice not a random stupid coincidence. I made a choice to let you get close to me and, as with anyone I don't know very well, I made the choice based on faith....I see qualities in people that make me believe they deserve a chance and if I turn out to be wrong, then so be it. At this point, I deserve that same chance.

4. No matter what, I will always tell the truth. I will not sugar-coat things to spare your feelings because I am a good friend and I expect the same from you.

5. If you know me in the real world and are reading this, chances are pretty high that I care about you and want you to be happy. If I can do something to make that happen, I will.

If there's anything more that needs clarification, ask me. Like I said from the beginning, I have nothing to hide.