What is normal anyway?

There are just some days when I don't want to get out of bed because I know that if I do, stupid little things will make me cry. Today is one of those days, but I'm up and out and so far so good but it's only 12:30. Everything seems extra loud today, like the whispering around me in the library has been funneled through a megaphone to my ears. The typing on the keyboard behind me sounds like popcorn popping in surround sound. And there's a strained feeling in my upper back between my shoulder blades and into my neck that means I'm worrying about something. Or letting myself worry. While I can tell myself not to think about him and distract myself with other things, I'm painfully conscientious of the fact that it's a distraction and he's still in the back of my mind waiting for me to focus and poke pins in my heart. I guess it's sort of silly considering I haven't actually had a conversation with him in two weeks, even though I've been in the same room with him twice and neither of us has said but a word or two to the other. When I'm talking to someone else, I can feel him watching but when I catch his eye, I can't read his expressions. People commented to me the other night that he kept looking over and wanted to know what the deal was, but I really don't know what to say anymore. I think the silence is what hurts the most and while there's probably a lot that should be said, no one is talking. Not even me.

Can't things just go back to normal?

Me, Myself and Ryan

Shauna left this morning on an 8 day business trip to Phoenix so it's just me, Ryan and the cat in the house. Since both of us are unemployed, we have a lot of free time to fill. This afternoon, we're going to see "Spiderman" (again) with a friend of his and hopefully I can talk him into going to the Green Room tonight to catch Soul Butler's set. I have to go back to Eugene Saturday night to pick up my folks from the airport (unless they get stuck in New Orleans because of that tornado watch from hurricane Isadora) and drop off their car. It's going to be a short visit since I have to come back early Sunday morning to catch Dr. Theopolis and The Jeffersons at the Edgefield for Oktoberfest, but it'll be nice to see my folks and hear about their trip. And get my presents. =)

Oh yeah, I didn't wear a toga last night. When Owen's girlfriend Jody asked if I was going to wear one as we were buying our tickets, I said, "Hell no....are you kidding?" to which she replied, "I knew there was a reason I liked you." Yeah, that's right, people like me because I don't run around in a sheet scaring the little children and blinding my friends with my paleness.

TOGA! TOGA! TOGA!

I have a very important decision to make: wear a toga to "Animal House" at the Laurelhurst Theater and be part of the party or go in normal clothes and laugh at the boys in sheets? My college friends are goofy. I can be goofy, but I dunno if I'm feeling the toga. I was supposed to go see "Dazed and Confused" with them last week, but I played Trivial Pursuit instead so I'm definitely going tonight, but dressing up might be pushing it. Besides, I'm a rebel. I'd only be wearing a toga to look like part of the group and that's not really my style. Those guys are going to suck me into their sillyness anyway, sheet or no, so I may as well be warm and comfortable.

Why should I care?

He makes me feel like a second choice and I always have to make the effort to hang out with him. His brother and friends wouldn't want any of the girls they know to get involved with him because they know the girls would get hurt. He knows I have a new phone number here and hasn't asked for it. He's complained that he doesn't get to hang out with some of his friends, but doesn't call them or leave his house to seek them out. And he's given me a million reasons not to trust him with my heart. So, why do I even care?

I think I've died and gone to jr. high heaven

Guess what we're doin' today? Go ahead, guess....

Mini golf, baby!! Yeah! There's a place just south of Portland called Bullwinkle's that has mini golf, lazer tag, go-karts, video games and a food court. We're heading over there when Ryan gets back and it's jr. high flashbacks for everyone! Woo hoo! Plus, it's perfect weather for being outside (not too hot with a nice breeze). At first I was going to suggest ice skating at the mall, but when they asked if I was into playing mini golf, I just couldn't say no. I'm so used to being the one who suggests doing stuff like that and having people look at me like I'm a dork that I'd mostly stopped asking. These guys are pretty much up for anything and that makes it so easy to get a plan together... I love it. If there were more people I knew like that, I'd probably have to cry...

Movie hounds

Holy crap, dudes. My roomies (I'm calling Ryan a roomie now because he's always over and there's already been talk of the three of us moving into a bigger place...which would be super cool) went nuts at Blockbuster. We had originally planned to go see that new Robin Williams flick "1 Hour Photo," but when we got to the theater, we would have had to wait for almost an hour and a half and Shauna wasn't feeling good. Plan B became renting DVDs, going to the store for food and beer, and heading home. So, usually I'll get 2 movies, maybe 3 if I'm wired and it's early, but these kids picked out 5. That's right, 5. I guess it's not that big a deal since we have 'em for 7 days, but we already had "Lord of the Rings" waiting to be watched at home and that movie is frickin' LONG. I loved it, but it was long. Anyhow, we got "The Count of Monte Cristo," "A Beautiful Mind," "Resident Evil," "The Mothman Prophesies," and "Dahmer." I hadn't seen any of them, because I'm a slacker when it comes to seeing movies, so I'm set for the next week. We ended up watching "Resident Evil" and "The Mothman Prophesies" last night and then I thought I could hang for one more (it was only 11) so they put on "The Lord of the Rings" and they both fell asleep. We have three couches, so we each had our own, and between the ice cream, beer and Chinese food I had, I'm surprised I wasn't passed out with them. Must have been that Orlando Bloom that kept me awake... there's something about that elf that's just yummy... *L* So, yeah, if anyone wants to come watch movies, we have a crapload of 'em and there's plenty of couch space, so come on over.

Anyone interested in plastic surgery?

Went to the boys' softball games last night (they played really well but got spanked both games) with Shauna and Dan was there! The Indiana boy is home for the weekend and I guess he didn't really tell anyone he was coming. I was happy to see him and he was happy to hear I'd moved up since he's moving back in December or January. Sweetness. I also I had an interview yesterday at a plastic surgeon's office that went really well and by the end of today I'll know if I got the job. Out of the three interviews, I'm the only one with medical office experience. Go me! I'd be making more than I was in Eugene, the benefits are awesome, and I'd still have my weekends and evenings free. Woo woo! If I get this, it's boob jobs and Botox for everyone, on the house!

Night Pubbin'

I know I made the right decision about moving now... last night, Shauna, Ryan and I went to this English place Ryan knows in NE where they have Lindemans. Aw. Yeah. Baby. Two glasses of that stuff and I had the best sleep last night. Plus, they had like a bizzillion different kinds of beer from all over the place. Gotta remember to take Chris there when he gets his sorry butt up here.

Trivial Pursuits

Went over to Dot's for dinner with Shauna and Ryan and ended up sitting with Ez, Aaron and Mark, who were already there, and I'd called Owen to come meet us and he brought his girlfriend Jody. It's cool to already have local hangouts where I'm sure to run into someone I know. Plus, their fries are really good (if I could get any...the boys inhaled practically the whole basket, paper and all. Damn boys.)... After dinner and drinks, we went home and played Trivial Pursuit. I'm so stoked that Shauna and Ryan are into board games. I've wanted to have board game night forever and I could never get anyone to play with me. =(

Since I have a ton of family here in Portland, I found out where one of them works just by random chance while doing job hunting stuff. I went into a copy shop the other day and found out my second cousin David works there. I already know my great aunt works part time at the Gap in the Washington Square Mall, so I'm off to see if she's on today in just a bit. And I had lunch one day and dinner the next with Shauna and Ryan at my cousins' restaurant downtown. I love it. Except for a new job, I'm getting just what I wanted from this move - a bigger city that still feels homey.

Going the distance

I got an e-mail from my old landlord yesterday telling me what else needed to be done in the apartment to get my whole deposit back and the list would have taken about an hour. So the dilemma today was this: do I drive all the way down there and back today to get the whole deposit back or do I save the $15 it would probably cost me for gas and lunch and call it good since the cleaning fee would be about $15 for the hour of work my landlord would have to do? I opted for plan B, but would have sucked it up and gone with plan A if I knew people would be around in Eugene to hang out with after I was done cleaning. Since I didn't plan ahead and call around to see what folks were doing, I'd hate to show up in town and find everyone gone for the weekend or something. *flash to a scene from a movie where the girl comes back into town after three days and the whole place is a deserted ghost town.... she goes running down the street a la Tom Cruise in Vanilla Sky and the screaming ensues*

My folks leave today for their two week trip from Chicago to New Orleans and I'm way jealous. They're bringing me back something from a voodoo shop in New Orleans so I'm excited to see what they pick out. Since they've heard about all the recent heart stomping, I'm betting on a love charm or a gris gris bag or something like that. Or maybe they'll just bring me back a zombie love slave. They have those in New Orleans, right?

Settling in

OK, it's day three in Portland. I'm still alive. *sigh* I'm ready to go out and do something other than unpack or read classified ads, though. I was happy to see my housemate, Shauna, last night and instead of going over to the Green Room to see the Soul Butlers (some guys I know that do old soul and r&b covers), I stayed in and watched a movie one of her boyfriend Ryan's friends made late last year. Those guys are goofy and that 24 minutes of movie made up for getting ditched for dinner. Yeah, I tried to make plans with Mark to get some grub and he said just to come on by, but when I got there, he had made plans with someone else for dinner and didn't seem all that apologetic. So, I went over to hang out at J.'s house for about an hour and a half watching tv with the boys and when he finally said he wasn't going out to the Green Room (because instead of working on the play he's supposed to be writing for the class his mom teaches, he watched tv), I just went home to see if Shauna was back from her business trip. Whatever.

Once I got going this morning, Shauna invited me to a cocktail party tonight at one of her co-worker's house. I get to dress up and play grown up for the evening, so that should be fun. I'm ready to start working and meet some new people, so this should start the ball rolling for the second half of that. And one day, when I'm comfortable and infamous, I won't have to worry about any of this stuff anymore.

*in the cd player - "I Want You to Want Me" Cheap Trick*

T minus 1 and counting...

So, that's it. The packing portion of the program is done and all that's left is to pick up the U-Haul in the morning, fill it, and drive off into the residual smoke from the summer's forest fires. My housemate is out of town on business until Thursday night, so unless I break down and call someone, I'll be alone in the apartment my first night. That'll be weird. Yeah, I've been living alone for the last three years and I'm used to it, but I've started looking forward to having a housemate and it's always a little strange the first few nights in a new place. But, people here in Eugene are already planning to come up and visit and asking when I'll be back in town so it's making the transition a lot easier. I was already expecting my folks to be out of town for the next two weeks on vacation and not seeing them, so I won't have to think about the fact that I can't just call my mom and say let's go to lunch on a random Saturday until they get back. After tomorrow, all I'll really have to worry about is finding a job and I don't think that'll take too long. (hoping, hoping, hoping)

11 years in this place with all the people that have come and gone have made it home. There are some things I'll miss like Sam Bond's Garage, John Henry's, Dana's German Chocolate Cake at the Saturday Market and talking about random crap over a pitcher or three of Ruby with Chris at High St. There are also some things I won't miss like the Rockin' Rodeo, driving down 13th during the lunch rush when school is in session, and getting woken up at 3am by my noisy neighbor. And on that note, so long, Eugene, and thanks for all the patchouli hippie stink.

T minus 2 and counting...

My mom came over and helped me clean out my kitchen today and let me tell you, if that woman wasn't such a cleaning dynamo, I would never have gotten as much done alone as we did today. Mr. Clean has nothing on my mom. Unfortunately, I still have a few more boxes to fill with books tonight before I can call it a day and it's already 8. Yeah, it's a pain in the ass now, but I have to believe it's going to be worth it once I'm settled Portland.

The thing that has gotten me through the packing nightmare so far is music from friends near and far. The 80's mix from Craig got me going again after I was ready to just say "screw it!" and give all of my stuff away to avoid having to pack any more. I threw on a mix that has Patsy Cline's "Walking After Midnight," Guided By Voices' "Picture Me Big Time," and Fleming and John's "Ugly Girl" from a dj friend in Chicago while I was cleaning the bathroom. And Heath said he'd make me a cd of the stuff he likes to play when he's spinning at Diablo's and the Euro-Pop/dance music he was playing in the car Saturday night, so I'm looking forward to unpacking to that. There's just something encouraging about a mixed cd from a friend... maybe it's just knowing that someone who cares took the time to make something for me that I can interact with on an emotional level. Music has always had that effect on me, so a mixed cd somehow makes me feel closer to the person who made it and gave it to me. Now that I think about it, I'd have to say a mixed cd is probably the best present anyone could give me. It's personal and it's got a value to me that far exceeds money. Not that I don't like money.... ;-)

If friendship was measured in alcohol...

Two nights in a row of firing it up with friends before I head north has this chick spent. Friday night out with Chris for what was intended to be an "early night" turned into a pitcher at High St. and two pints and a shot before last call at one of the campus hangouts. The later part of the night was spent watching frat boys strike out with sorority girls at the bar and talking about our similarities when it comes to interacting with the opposite sex. And then there was a dude that wandered through the room every so often with really light eyes, a curly mop of hair and a nose piercing (columella/septum) that had dark brown spikes coming out of the ends... he was creeping us out.

Last night was spent out with Becca and Heath, one of the guys from the movies the other week. Since hearing about my metaphorical slap in the face from J. last weekend, these kids decided I needed to get out and get my mind off of him. As it was supposed to be my last hurrah, what better way to start things off than at 6th St. Bar and Grill with tequila body shots. Whee-ha! After hanging there for a bit, we headed over to Diablo's to see if any of the regular kids were there (Heath spins there sometimes and knows EVERYBODY) and shake our groove thangs. I don't bring my groove thang out very often, but two shots of tequila, three buttery nipples and a glass of Lindemans Belgian Ale talked me into it. Gotta remember to find a place that has the Lindemans in Portland. Tasty stuff. Anyway, Becca and I danced for a bit and then Heath said we were going to an after hours party at Stylus Grooves, a record store/sound system/dj gear shop that belongs to a friend of his. The basement of the place is set up as a chill out room with couches and pillows and rope lights and the dj spinning down there was playing some kick ass jungle that set the mood perfectly. We were all fading after hanging out there for an hour or so and decided to call it a night around 3. Needless to say, I slept like a baby... Ooh, and plans are in the works for Halloween with those kids to do a Gilligan's Island theme... I get to be Mary Ann... yeah baby...

Kicking Bad Karma's ass

You know that deal where bad things happen in threes? Well, I think I had my three all within about a week and there should be nothing but good karma coming my way for awhile. And on that note, I have a request for whomever is doling out good karmic vibes:

Dear Sir or Madam,
In this time of unusually overwhelming stress, I would like to humbly request that Cupid pay a little visit to J. If Cupid could take him out in the alley and beat him severely about the head or stick an army boot in his ass, I'd really appreciate it. Since matters of the heart are somewhat out of my control, it would be really swell if someone could make this work out for me, thereby reducing the overall chaos that my world is currently experiencing. I know you're busy, but I wouldn't ask if it wasn't important. Thanks!!!

~Nina

Everything is chaotic....where's my beer?

An official moving date has been set for one week from today. Holy crap. I spent most of yesterday sorting through stuff and throwing away junk that should have gone in the garbage a long time ago. Today, I get to pick up a change of address packet from the post office, call U-Haul to reserve a truck for next Wednesday, start cleaning out my bathroom and sort through my books and baubles to decide what's going into storage. Ugh. I also found out that the letter I got from the unemployment office is just a preliminary summary of POTENTIAL benefits and I won't know until next week if I'll get them or not. If I do, I'll just get a check. If I don't, I'll just get a letter saying I've been denied and then I get to go through the appeal process. D'oh. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for the check. And a magic fairy to show up and grant me three wishes.

Last night, I got to thinking about all of the things I'm leaving behind and the reality of the move hit pretty hard. I've spent the last couple days on the verge of tears that I've willed away because I just can't deal with an emotional breakdown this week. Used to be that my tears were the only thing I couldn't control and lately it's seems like they're the only thing I have any control over. There are too many things in flux at the moment and for someone like me, who functions much better when there's a definite plan and I have my life together, this is really hard. I know it's not that far away and my friends in Portland are totally supportive. And I know that this move is going to be really good for me. But I'm going to miss my family and friends here like crazy and the comfort zone I've built for myself here is going to take some time to establish up there. I'm going back to being a little fish in a big pool and I'm standing at the edge of a diving board that seems really high right now.

My life as a bum

Just when things seem to suck pretty bad, good stuff happens and shocks the crap out of you. That was my weekend - a weird mix of sucking pretty bad and good stuff.

On Monday last week, I called J and made sure my spending the whole weekend up at his house would be cool and he said it was. By the end of the conversation, I was looking forward to a fired up weekend with him. So on Friday, I drove up and made it to the shows at the Bite of Portland festival and then took on the responsibility of being DD for the night at the Tonic Lounge show. For that last part, I am an idiot. Giving those folks the green light to drink as much as they want and know they'll get home ok is just asking for trouble. The responsibility triggers in their brains shut off and all hell breaks loose. Point in case: J was so wasted that he let some other girl who was moving to another state the next morning kick me out of his room and sleep with him while I was reduced to the guest bed in the hall outside his room. This is about the time the sucking pretty bad part was at it's worst. Things are ok now, but Saturday morning was hellacious. I got zero sleep and had to go to a job interview at 9:30am while he didn't have to be to work until 3pm. I woke his sorry ass up at 9 to tell him I was going to my interview and that we needed to talk before he left for work as I wasn't sure I wanted to be there anymore. That didn't happen, but by Sunday night (yes, I stayed until this afternoon - I already acknowledged that I'm an idiot, what more do you want?), when I finally sat him down and said we had to talk about Friday night, he knew he'd messed up pretty bad. He said he felt like crap, both hungover like a mo' fo' and for being a jackass to me, on Saturday and he felt stupid for letting it happen. I wasn't as hard on him as I should have been and didn't tell him how hurt I was, but we're going to talk more on the phone this week. I'm a more forgiving person than most anyone I know and I probably give people more chances than they deserve, but in this situation, he's used his get-out-of-jail free card and I need to know it won't happen again...especially since I'm moving up there and he knows how I feel about him.

On the flip side, a girl I know up in P-town offered her extra bedroom to me rent-free until I find a job up there and get my shit together. She said she's been needing to find a roommate but she didn't know anyone up there she'd want to live with...guess she thinks I'm cool and easy to get along with, so she made me an offer I couldn't refuse. Said I could move in whenever I wanted, stay as long as I wanted and if I decided I wanted to find a place by myself once I got a job and got situated, that was cool too. At this point, it looks like I'll be moving up there in the next week or two. Crazy. I have a million things to figure out and it's all happening so fast. I don't know what to think or what to do first. Oh yeah, I got a letter from the state telling me I was approved for unemployment so I'll have some money coming in while I work out the details which is a relief.

So, there you have it. Interesting mix of really sucky and good stuff. I'd prefer more of the good stuff, thankyouverymuch...