Convent school, here I come

After careful consideration, research and public opinion surveys, it's been determined that I am unfit for any kind of interpersonal relationships with the males of the species. My crappy attitude and inability to separate the physical from the emotional has finally caught up with me. The votes have been tallied and the people have spoken. So, that's it. I'm officially banning myself from any suggesting any activities that might be considered "a good idea at the time." I can't take the trauma that inevitably ensues from that kind of behavior. I can't even see the opportunity for an out when it's presented on a silver platter with a little lace doily under it. I'm never sure about what the hell I'm doing in the first place, so when I'm asked, "Are you sure?" of course I'm going to say yes because it was my idea in the first place and my brain has ceased to function about 5 minutes before the question is asked...how am I supposed to see the out at that point? Sheesh! I am a sucker for the funny nice guys. I admit it. Are you happy now?? Jeez, kick me when I'm down why don'tcha....

Nice day for a white wedding

Saturday was one of the longest days..... the details aren't especially relevant, but suffice it to say that even though I wasn't in the wedding, I had wedding oriented stuff to do from 10am until 2am. Gotta love always being the responsible one. I was happy to help out and everyone had fun so that's all that matters.

Sunday was a laundry/errand running/dinner out with the parents extravaganza so I didn't get to recover from the previous day's festivities. Needless to say, I'm wiped out. On the bright side, I have Prodigy thumping in my ears, a three day weekend coming up, Friday is payday, friends from Portland are in town Saturday, and I'm getting out of town on Sunday. Schweeet.

Ooo, that can't be good

So, I went down to campus for lunch again since it's the last day of the street fair. I ran into Jules, a guy I know from Portland who's in this band The Jeffersons that was scheduled to play there this morning. Turns out their time slot was switched from 10am to 12:30pm and he was supposed to be back in Portland to work at 2pm, so that wasn't gonna happen. To add insult to injury, their van got towed to some lot on the other side of town. Ouch. Strangely enough, he seemed to be in good spirits about the whole thing, so I guess the rock must go on. He and the other band he's in, Dr. Theopolis, will be back down here to beautiful Eugene, Oregon for a show next weekend. Should be fun and funkadelic... Speaking of which, George Clinton and P-Funk are coming to town next week as well. Maybe I can make it a funkariffic weekend full of funkalicious funktasticness. Or maybe I can quit making up words and just go to the shows....

Box O' Stupid People

I have this Pearls Before Swine comic pinned up at my desk where a pig and a rat are standing next to this box with three people in it. The rat has put the people in the box to "filter them out of society" and keep them "out of harm's way." There's the guy who reclines his seat all the way back and crushes the legs of whoever sits behind him on the airplane. There's the woman who obliviously blocks the whole grocery aisle with her shopping cart while she searches for her favorite cake mix. And finally, there's the guy who makes unnecessary personal calls on his cell phone in public places. The pig protests with, "I don't think this is right...I prefer to believe in the fundamental goodness of all people." The last scene has the pig in the box with the rest of the people and the guy on his cell phone saying, "Dude...So the pig's like 'No way, dude, I don't want to go in the box,' and the rat's like, 'Dude, you're going in the box'..."

I wish I had a box. I know some people I'd like to put in it.

Oh yeah, free lunch today from this Thai place called Mekala's....I got the yellow curry....hot enough to burn the bejeezus out of me but in a good and tasty way. Yeah, baby, yeah. =)

It's a Beastie Boys kinda day

I walked down to campus for lunch today since there's a street fair going on and I know the food at those things is always extra tasty. Ended up with yakisoba noodles. Nummers! I've got the Beastie Boys thumping in my headphones and there's not a cloud in the sky. Perfect.

Body Movin' Body Movin'
A-1 sound
And the sound's so soothin'
Body Movin' Body Movin'
We be gettin' down
And you know we're crush groovin'

Down the Rabbit Hole

To quote the Disney-ified, but not without merit, version of Alice in Wonderland, "I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it." I must be on crack. Chasing the white rabbit didn't do Alice much good, but she kept running after him anyway. After awhile, it starts to feel like a greyhound race - you know the dogs are never going to catch the little mechanical bunny, but you cheer them on every time. Encouraging the pursuit of futility seems kinda mean.... but maybe, just maybe, one day one dog will take a flying leap and catch that elusive bunny. Hope is a funny thing....

Hey it's Monday! Woo!

I just had three days off. I slept late every day and went out every night. I spent large portions of the weekend in pajamas and took them off to go to sleep. I shopped and danced and had strawberry shortcake. I bought a t-shirt that says "Magically Delicious." I saw an industrial band called TV:616 at John Henry's. I got invited to my cousin's graduation party in two weeks. I solidified my plans for next weekend and the weekend after. Now, I just need a short nap and everything will be groovacious.

In other news, I got new music - Injected "Burn It Black" and Abandoned Pools "Humanistic" - sweetness! The first single from Injected called "Faithless" is on repeat at the moment:

could you be lost
are you so free, do you long to be
when the sun goes down do you feel the feeling there's no one near
you know it's such a mystery how you washed up over me
and I couldn't speak, I couldn't breathe, lest I drown
but it's my kind
I'll never be cruel and I'll always play the fool
to be as loveless, as shameless as you
but I'm so blind
I'll do it again I feel your eyes sink in
so faithless as you've been
yes I'm so lost
I am not free but I long to be
when life goes down, do you feel as though you're gonna drown
you're going down

When will I learn?

Is it possible that I could be any more of an idiot? Doubtful. My ability to make rational decisions has yet again been swayed by my overpowering emotions. What happened this time that was different from any other time I let someone get close to me? I made the mistake of letting things go too far too fast. The result? It seems that what I want and what I can have are two very different things. I'm not ever going to be content with random rendezvous and occasional outings, so I shouldn't have let things progress the way they did. I knew better but I got swept up in the moment and now I'm stuck wanting a relationship I can't have. What's the solution? Cease and desist is all I can do. Note to self: stop trusting people, you fool!

I need a hug

Ever just want someone to put their arms around you and tell you everything is going to be alright? And even if nothing is wrong, sometimes it's just nice to close your eyes and hear someone's heart beating and listen to the rhythm of their breathing. I could go for a little of that right about now...

Long weekend

Huh. Just looked at the calendar and realized I have two more days of work and a three day weekend coming up and only a semblence of a plan. How'd that happen? Not that I won't appreciate the extra sleep, but I sorta feel like I should be going somewhere or doing something of consequence. I'm going out Friday night with a bunch of people and I'm supposed to see a movie and have dinner with some friends Sunday night. That doesn't seem quite as thrilling as, say.....going to Vegas for the weekend. Or heading up to Seattle like I had originally planned. I'm probably not even going to leave my house for most of the weekend! It's times like this when I feel old.....

Drunk driving in the parking lot

So, I'm going around the spiral exit ramp of the Smart Park on 4th and Alder in Portland and when I get to the bottom, there's a guy in front of me from Arizona already at the ticket window. He's pulled too far forward and can't reach the window to pay, and I know he's going to back up, so I stayed back farther than I normally would so he could move back. This guy turns out to be WASTED and ploughs into the front of my car! What a moron. So, my mother, who was in the passenger seat, jumps out and tells the guy, who had stumbled out of his car, to move forward so we can see if there was any damage (there wasn't). He stands there and mutters some sort of apology and finally gets back into his car (which at that point I'm thinking is a BAD idea) and moves up a bit. No harm, no foul, but I'm ticked because I know this jackass is going to drive off and he really shouldn't be driving at all. I called the police and reported the drunk driver (mom caught the license plate number) and got mom to the train station in plenty of time, but I was still a little shaken. The only thing I wanted to do was get out of the car and not drive for awhile. Thank gawd for tiki lounges....

The sweetest dreams

All week I've gotten really good sleep. I wake up feeling completely content - you know that feeling, like when you fall asleep with your head on someone's shoulder or with someone rubbing your back - and I'm sure I must be having sweet dreams even though I don't remember most of them when I wake up. The normal tossing and turning and trying to get my brain to shut down at the end of the day has been non-existent for the last 4 days. I've fallen right to sleep and haven't even woken up in the middle of the night for any reason... is there something going on that I don't know about? Are the planets rotating in reverse or something? Am I getting some good karma back for previously done good deeds? What's the deal, man??

Whatever it is, I like it and I hope it lasts for awhile...

Catchy!

"Summer," track 5 from Alien Ant Farm's album ANThology has the sweetest chorus lyrics:

Tried to give you summer, but I'm winter
Wish I could make you spring, but I fall so hard

This is one of those cds I had to listen to about 9 times before I really liked it from beginning to end. There were stand out tracks from the get-go (2, 5, 7, 10), but now the whole thing is familiar. Maybe that's what makes me dig it so much. I'm definitely a creature of habit. Plus, I've had "Attitude" running through my head since I heard them play it at Sno-Core and the live show definitely helped push the album into regular rotation at my house.

...that just sounded like I pretend I have my own radio station broadcasting from my bathroom or something....ha....

I need a sponsor

No, not an AA sponsor. I need a financial sponsor....someone who has so much money that he/she will never be able to spend it all and wants to give some of it to me. That would be really excellent. Ooo, or a grant from the government would work. They give money to artists, right? I could be an artist.... I could! Or maybe I could just find someone who is dying to will some cash to me. That'd be alright since they aren't going to be needing it anyway. I'd wait.

Have I mentioned how much I hate having no money?

New old music

I had every intention of buying a few cds from the list I regularly add to when I hear something I like. But when I saw 100% Fun by Matthew Sweet and the Romeo & Juliet soundtrack on the clearance rack, I couldn't help myself. I never even made it all the way into the store to the techno section or the new release wall or the used racks. I was seduced by the sweet nostalgia of the close out corner. Jimmy Eat World, I haven't forgotten about you. Paul Oakenfold, Sasha & Digweed, you're still up there on my list of all time most excellent techno djs. But c'mon, that first track on 100% Fun "Sick of Myself" is so money!! And I don't care how many people tell me I'm lame, I still can't get enough of One Inch Punch's "Pretty Piece of Flesh" or Mundy's "To You I Bestow." So there you have it. I'm weak. I admit it. I tried to be strong and not look, but the temptation was too much and I had to give in..... damn you, close out corner....

Where'd that come from?

I found the weirdest bruise this morning on the inside of my arm just above my wannabe bicep. Looks like a girl with too much eyeshadow on blowing a kiss....there's even the little ghost lips out in the air like cartoon kiss blowing. Bizarre. I'm always finding bruises and I usually have no idea what I did to get them. I bruise pretty easily though. I guess that means I'm fragile, so handle me with care or something...

I need to start taking pictures and writing down what they look like. I might end up on Ripley's some day... I had a briuse once that looked like 9 little polka dots on my shoulder. I think I got that one from taking a spin in the industrial dryer in the basement of my dorm. Then there was the one right on top of my hand that looked like Argentina. I don't remember how I got it, but I remember it hurt like hell. Anyhoo, there's gotta be a market for a book full of that kind of stuff...

Dude, I'm like popular and stuff!

I had no idea that this thing was getting so much traffic! It was brought to my attention yesterday and I'm stunned!! Well rock on. Guess that means it's time for *dun da da DAA!* Imperial margerine! No wait, I meant a disclaimer:

This is a personal weblog in which I write whatever I feel like saying. I edit what I write for grammar and spelling, but I do not censor myself. What this means for you, dear reader, is that if you do not like something you read, stop reading it. If you don't like my opinion, stop reading it. If you would like to discuss something I've written with me, feel free to contact me by clicking on the link at the top of the page. Some of the stuff I write is straight from the soul, but most of what's here is intended to be sarcastic or cynical or funny or even all three at once *ooooooo....aaahhhhhh.* Because the written form of communication is often misinterpreted, feel free to ask me to clarify anything that is unclear or offensive. I won't change what I've written to make anyone feel better as I make a concerted effort to say what I mean and mean what I say, but I'm more than happy to have a discussion about any or all of what's posted here. So, if you like what I'm writing, let me know. If you don't, let me know. If you have jaundice and people laugh at you, let me know. If you have issues with your mom, let me know. If your feet smell and your nose runs, I don't wanna know.

Thank you and goodnight.

Can I call a time out from being me?

I think I'm going to go incognito today... dark glasses, mustache, goatee (or maybe just a soul patch), trenchcoat with the collar flipped up. I'll tell people my name is Pablo. Or Crazy Bob. I'll tell people I'm a carny. Or a secret service agent. Or their long lost dad. I'll drink juice straight from the carton and chain smoke candy cigarettes. I'll visit public restrooms and write "For a good time call Lola at 1-800-GET-SOME" in red lipstick on the mirrors. I'll wear mismatched socks and short pants to show them off. I'll carry around a little dog with a pink ribbon on his head in a straw handbag. I'll cut the tags off of mattresses I have no intention of buying. I'll go to Circuit City and change all the tvs to the weather channel and stick gum in all the buttons of the remotes. I'll get arrested for loitering. Or jay walking. Or putting change in all the parking meters. I'll take a spin in the revolving door at the Key Bank Building downtown. I'll call the mayor and ask if his refridgerator is running. I'll sit in for the court sketch artist and draw all of the witnesses with really big heads. I'll anchor the 6 o'clock news with one hand tied behind my back. Or both hands tied behind my back. And then I'll go home and go back to being me. Yeah.

The unbearable spin cycle in my head

Is there some way to shut the heart off that I haven't figured out yet? I know there must be a hidden switch around here somewhere. This has been the bain of my existence since I can remember. While I've always taken pride in my ability to think logically, I've never been able to balance out the emotional side of me that seems to take over at the worst possible times. It's strange that I would view emotional sensitivity in others as a virtue but when I see it in myself, I see weakness. Someone told me once that when they caught a peek of my emotionally fragile side, it softened their perception of me as a whole and made me seem more child-like....like someone that needed to be taken care of.... And I realized that I spend a lot of time trying to be independent and not need anyone. But the truth is that I like being taken care of...I just don't want to need people. If you need someone, it stops being a choice and that's just one more thing I don't have control over in my life... makes me feel helpless and I hate that.

The other issue is that I'm an all or nothing kind of girl. Very few things in my life fall into a grey category and everything else is black and white. It's pretty simple, really. I'm only able to open my heart to one person at a time and once you have it, I don't see anyone else. The rest of the male population ceases to exist. That's not normally a problem since I keep that wall up and distance myself from anyone that could potentially hurt me. So why didn't I do that this time around? See yesterday's post for the answer to that and most other questions about why I do what I do...

Check out the lyrics to Dave Navarro's song Very Little Daylight to see where my head is....things change hourly, but take a look anyway...

Mine is a fragile heart

I am an idiot. That's all I have to say about that.

What's with the cheezy grin, you ask?

I would love to divulge the details of the past weekend here, but that information is classified and you don't have the proper security clearance. In other words, if I told you, I'd have to kill you. All I can say is this:

1.) I had a fantabulous time.
2.) The best plan is to have no plan.
3.) Breaking self-imposed rules is fun.
4.) Geography sucks.
5.) I miniature golf like Mark's grandma.