Communication Breakdown

Yes, it's gonna be another post where I vent about the petty little crap I deal with on a daily basis that pisses me off. If you're already sick of my bitching, I suggest you close your eyes and pretend this doesn't exist. That usually works for me until I open my eyes and whatever I was imagining away is still there. Kinda like this will be:

What the hell is the deal with people? It makes me crazy when people have no idea why I deal with issues the way I do and then make assumptions and get annoyed instead of just calmly asking me. Wait, that's just the end result of the real problem. The real problem is people who act or speak before they think. I can not comprehend what would make someone walk around irritated or angry all the time. Any potential conflict, and sometimes it's imagined conflict, sets these people off. And then I get an attitude because they didn't think. I just don't get it. I try to stay calm about most things and it really takes a lot to get me riled up, so it's difficult for me to be around people who are edgy all the time. I can't relate to them at all. And, unfortunately, I'm not in an environment where I can just go off on them to make my point. So, to everyone who gets pissy with me because they didn't get the answer they wanted when they ask me something, aaarrrrgggg!!

Screwing Around

I've decided work is a serious distraction from the kind of quality screwing around I'm trying to do. Just about the time I'm really getting into doing something completely unrelated to work, big brother makes it's presence known and I have to pretend to be working away at some really important project or report. It's kind of annoying. Now, I know I have the talent, the ambition, and the drive to be a really serious slacker, but to be that good, you have to be able to focus. And college doesn't fully prepare you for the multitasking work environment so I'm having to play catch up in the sluffing off department. I've been full of crap since the dawn of time, so I don't even have to work on that skill, but somehow I can't seem to master the art of ignoring work altogether. It's a messed up conscience thing and I can't overcome it. I blame Mom.

D'oh!

Today's post has been cancelled due to my inability to manage my time appropriately. Hopefully, tomorrow I will get a freakin' clue and tap out some amazing proof of my literary genius. But don't count on it.

Girl Scouts are evil

They look so nice and innocent, sitting there outside the grocery or drug store with their card tables and green sashes and berets just waiting to accost you with their sweet cookie goodness. Well, don't be fooled! Those girls are EVIL! The outfits and supportive parental units and innocent smiles are just tools in their master plan to take over the world by getting people addicted to their crack-filled cookies. I know this because I was once in the cult they call the Girl Scouts....and I got out just in time. I'm ashamed to say I too used to peddle those vile crack cookies from door to door in hopes of winning a bike or whatever prize went to the girl who sold the most each year. I too wore the sash and beret and was brain washed into singing the songs and going to the camp outs. I was so deep into the cult that I spent three weeks at a "horse camp" (read: three weeks of evil cult rituals involving sleeping in log cabins and sneaking around in the dark and torturing marshmellows with open flames and sticks) out in the middle of the Sangre De Cristo mountains in New Mexico. The horror.....

If you have already become addicted to the crack cookies, I'm sorry to say that there's no hope for you. The power of the drug is too much for anyone to combat and the effects can be severe: buying three or four cases to freeze so you don't have to go without a "fix" during the off season, binging on a whole box of Thin Mints in one sitting, saying you're buying the extra box of Samoas for a friend or neighbor but stashing them in your desk at work, making pie crusts out of the Do-Si-Dos........there's no end to the evil things these cookies will make you do. If you haven't been sucked in by the smiling faces on the boxes or the new-this-year chocolate covered shortbread or the puppy-eyed 7 year olds asking you if you want to buy some cookies, there's still hope for you! JUST SAY NO!!! Trust me.....if the devil wants your soul, he enlists the Girl Scouts to get it....

Woo, it's Friday!

I dunno if this will become the regular Friday post, but smattering.org posts five questions every Friday, so here are my answers to this week's Friday Five:

1. Hey, baby, what's your sign? Do you think it fits you pretty well?

I'm a Pisces (March 3, 1974 - year of the tiger, if anyone cares) and everything I've ever read, both good and bad, about my sign fits me to a tee. Creepy.

2. What's the worst birthday gift you've ever received?

That's a tough one....I can remember some birthdays when I was a kid where I got the surprise of no one showing up to the party, but as far as actual gifts go, I can't really remember ever getting a bad one.

3. What's the best birthday gift you've ever received?

Hands down, no contest, my 25th birthday present from my parents. I had started planning for it the previous September (I wanted to do something big for my 1/4 century birthday) and decided I wanted to turn 25 in London. I'd been wanting to take a vacation and thought this would be the perfect opportunity. While I was planning this trip, my dad says, "Why don't you go see how many frequent flyer miles I have....they're going to expire at the end of this year and I'm not gonna use them, so you might be able to get an upgrade or something. They're yours if you can use them." That guy is sneaky....turned out, he knew how many miles he had and there were more than enough for a free round trip ticket. Sweetness! But wait, there's more! Before I got on the plane, I was handed what they now refer to as my "actual" birthday present - when my sister found out they had given me a free ticket to London, well, let's just say it wasn't pretty - they had taken a hundred bucks to the bank and exchanged half of it for pounds and half for francs (I had planned to spend a day in Paris). Are they cool or what?

4. What's the best way you've celebrated your birthday thus far?

Guess the answer to #3 is the answer to #4 too....two weeks in London tooling around and really getting to know the city. Best birthday ever!

5. What are your plans for this weekend?

Ummmmm, lessee.....I'm going out to dinner and then to a karaoke bar with friends tonight....tomorrow night, I'm getting all girlified and seeing Alice in Wonderland (the ballet version) and then I'm not sure what....and Sunday is still up in the air.

Nuts and Flakes

So, I was going to go out to dinner tonight, but the "guest of honor" opted to be a flake and the rest of the plan broke down from there. I have issues with flaky people due to the abundance of flakage I've endured in the past. I don't see why it's so hard to make a plan and stick to it (barring some freakish disaster or sudden illness), but there are many, many people who have difficulty with this concept. And the real problem with flakes is not what they do, but what they say they're going to do and then don't do. To put it a slightly more harsh way, flakes are liars. And there's nothing that chaps my hide more than a liar. They can say that changing your mind isn't the same as lying, and I agree with that since changing your mind is something all of us do. But, saying you'll call me or meet somewhere and then not calling or showing up makes you a liar. Period. It's the lack of communication about the thing that pushes it from just changing your mind to flat out lying. Argue about it all you want, but my mind is made up on this one and I'm not budging. If nothing else, people need to stop committing to things they aren't sure they'll be able to or want to do. Maybe I'm nuts here, but I don't think I'm asking too much.

So, to recap: I do not care what your intentions were and I do not care what your excuses are. Each and every one of us is responsible for the choices we make. If you say you're going to do something, then you made the decision to commit yourself to that and if for some reason you are unable to follow through, I expect you to have enough common courtesy and respect for my feelings that you'll let me know as soon as possible. And "I don't feel like it" is not an acceptable reason for failure to keep your word. Get off your sorry butt and represent. Word.

Baring your soul

It's not often that I'm self-conscious. I don't have any problem being the center of attention and I don't feel pressure to be entertaining just because people are looking. I'm not trying to impress anyone or change my behavior to suit the company I'm keeping. So why is it that when I know people have read something personal I've written or I say something that makes me feel vulnerable, I try to cover it up with a joke or pass it off as temporary insanity? For example, yesterday I was talking to a friend about world issues and how we only have control over our own behavior. I said, "...if we make an effort to be good people then we're teaching by example and that's the best we can do. Oh and Dr. Phil is doing Oprah today, so he asked me to sit in on this discussion." I started to feel like I was coming off as idealistic or hokey so I threw a joke out there to lighten the mood and take the focus off of my wishful thinking. It's definitely easier to be silly or funny rather than emotional because emotional people are often thought of as being weak. And who wants to be seen as weak? But, when the wall comes down for those few minutes of writing or conversation, it's already out there for the world to see and it's not like my jokes are going to change the fact that I'm an emotional, sensitive person. I guess I just don't want to be misinterpreted....and that's easy to do if you're reading what someone else has written. Yes, I'm emotional and can at times be sentimental and squishy about stuff. But I'm really pushing myself to be as honest as possible so I take comfort in knowing that no matter how hokey I may sound, at least I'm being truthful about how I feel. And the people who are able to wade through the cynical, jaded crap I spew to get to the good emotional stuff are the people who actually get to see me. So consider yourselves special......'cause I don't share this stuff with just anybody.

Time to lay off the crack

If I could have any job in the whole world, I'd either be a writer/photographer for a cool magazine like Vogue or National Geographic or Rolling Stone, a high school English teacher, a forensic scientist, or a chimpanzee trainer for tv and movies. I know, I'm random, but bear with me. It would be a sweet deal to travel around the world on the company tab meeting interesting people and seeing interesting new places and sharing my experiences with the magazine readers. I think I'd make a pretty good teacher...I'm not so old that I can't still understand high school social issues and getting to expose kids to literature and helping them expand their vocabularies and be able to better express themselves would be a really cool way to spend my days. I'm constantly amazed by what forensic science can uncover and how much little details most people would overlook can help provide answers for the police.... those guys take being anal and nitpicky to a whole new level and any job that values that side of my personality is cool. And I really like monkeys.....and I'd get to meet famous people and hang out on studio lots and watch movies or tv shows being made on my down time.....how cool would that be.... yeah......

Always the good girl

Sometimes I just want to be really bad
To have all the things I never have had
To cuss out my uncle and flip off my dad
But I don't....because I'm a good girl

Sometimes I just want to go out and drink
To get all messed up and then puke in the sink
To turn off the smart thoughts I usually think
But I don't....because I'm a good girl

Sometimes I just want to crawl into bed
To have all the right words come into my head
To be the girl they go home with instead
But I'm not....because I'm a good girl

Every once in awhile, you've just gotta get the angst out..... I feel much better now....=)

Bar hopping with the boys

Thanks to my recent attitude adjustment, it's come to my attention that I've been in denial about my need for physical interaction. In high school, my group of friends was very affectionate and not a day went by when I didn't get a hug or three. Same went for my friends in college...sitting on a couch watching movies with my head on someone's shoulder was the norm. Walking down the street arm in arm with a friend was the norm. After college, when relationships started to drift in different directions, I started to shut out the people who I had suddenly stopped feeling close to and shy away from letting anyone touch me. I was convinced that I would be hurt by anyone I trusted and if I let anyone get close to me, they'd take advantage of my vulnerability. In that alone time, I started to accept some things about myself I needed to work on and saw the potential I have to be the person I want to be and know I can be. And by relaxing and being honest even when it hurts and taking each day as it comes and being conscientious of the big picture as much as possible, I am becoming that person. So, what does all that have to do with bar hopping, you might ask? Well, it's a hell of a lot more fun hopping with the girl I am now than the girl I was....

So, what do you get when you add 2 girls, 4 boys and 6 stops on a tour of alcohol? A damn fun night out. Trust me, I know. There I was, dancing slow to a badly sung karaoke country song in the lounge of a hotel with a friend of a friend right before last call. The alcohol had started to kick in and everything seemed louder than normal (which doesn't help badly sung karaoke, let me tell you). And we're laughing about how bad the singers are when this friend starts singing the song soft in my ear with that deep voice of his and everything else in the room tunes out. Drivers, start your engines.... I've said it before and I'll say it again: there's something about certain voices that triggers a warm fuzzy feeling - and this boy has one of those voices. Maybe it was the fact that the group had spent the evening going from bar to bar, having a drink or two at each place, and this was the last of 6 stops that night, or maybe it was that early-hitting strain of Spring Fever I've been suffering from lately, or maybe it was that he was still kinda wound up from the nudie bar we'd all been to earlier that night and I was vibing off of that....whatever the reason, I was in a snuggling mood and I was pleasantly surprised later that the evening ended just how I wanted. Thank you, friend of friend, for making me feel accepted, for being a gentleman, and for really seeing me....

For your reading pleasure...

Ok, this one time, at band camp.....wait, wrong story......um, in honor of Valentine's Day, I decided to write a little story about love. Here goes:

Once there was this fish who was swimming around, minding her own business, doing fish stuff. Then some random starfish came along and gave her tickets to the circus. So she went. But it wasn't a normal circus with elephants and clowns and those guys in tights who swing around on a trapeze. It was a freaky psycho circus with escaped mental patients and squid (everyone knows squid are inherently evil). Anyway, after the circus, the fish thought she might cruise over and grab a burger or something so she called her friend Chuck and told him to meet her at 6:15 in the parking lot, but Chuck never showed and never called so the fish got pissed off and went to his house only to find Chuck all cracked out in his basement listening to the Oklahoma soundtrack and speaking French to his weiner dog Paco. Since it seemed to the fish like Chuck was not really in a mental space to fully grasp how pissed off she was, she decided to save the lecture about being a crappy friend for another day. So, the fish went home, ordered a pizza, surfed the net for porn until the pizza came, cracked open a beer, and then parked it on the couch to watch the international ballroom dance finals. A little later, she called Chuck to make sure he was still alive and that he hadn't done anything to violate Paco, and then she went to bed and dreamed of dancing squid in feathery dresses and too much makeup. The end.

Spring Fever is running rampant

Something is seriously wrong with me. I can't remember ever having the fever this bad or this early in the year. Seems like everytime I turn around there's a cute boy and I can't stop myself from flirting with him. And that's so not like me. I'm always the friend girl that guys like to talk to about their girlfriends and hang out with when they aren't dating anyone because I'm "safe." Girls trust me with their boyfriends because I'm "safe." Random chick I just met Saturday night actually encouraged me to slow dance with her boyfriend when he asked and when I went to jokingly thank her for "lending me her man," she said she usually doesn't let anyone else dance with him but for some reason, she trusted me. After knowing me for 1/2 hour, she trusted me. I must give off a vibe or something...

Weird things have been happening lately though. I must be doing something different (though I can't think what it could be) because men are looking at me differently and asking me to slow dance and making an effort to talk to me at clubs and trying to buy me drinks.....it's just bizarre! And I'm saying yes to everything and talking about wanting to go out all the time and flirting right back! Somebody smack me before I starting having fun and get myself in trouble.....

Family Ties

I know what you're thinking and you can relax....this isn't going to be about that sitcom from the 80's with Michael J. Fox and Justine Bateman and that kid Skippy. I recently got back in touch with one of my many cousins (this one is my 2nd cousin on my dad's side) and we've been trying to make an effort to get together more. My dad's side of the family is huge (his mom is one of 11 kids and she and all but one of her brothers and sisters has at least 5 kids and their kids have a bunch of kids, etc) and quite a few of us in the same age range all live within short driving distance of each other. It's weird though because we never seem to connect and just hang out to hang out. It's like there has to be a family function to bring everyone together. And when we do get together we all have a great time and say we need to hang out more, but it never seems to happen because no one makes much of an effort. Well dang it, I think that's just sucky. Since we don't get to choose our family, it's pretty damn cool when you have relatives that you would actually seek out as friends. However, because we're related, we all take each other for granted and I've started to feel like I'm missing out on really getting to know some great people. So, for my Chinese New Year's resolution, I'm going to start being more proactive about spending quality time with my extended family. For all the excuses we make about being too busy and having to work and other commitments we make an effort to keep, I think it's important to make time for your family, however distant they may be.

Oh yeah, this is completely unrelated but I heard a really stellar jazz quartet on Saturday night and I'm gonna try to catch them again tomorrow night. I've always appreciated jazz music, but until recently I haven't wanted to seek it out.....it's way more romantic than sappy love songs and the mellow vibe of a jazz club is the atmosphere I've been craving lately. Doesn't hurt that the trumpet player is a cutie either....

Mardi Gras vs. Valentine's Day

Not that one has anything at all to do with the other, but I think Mardi Gras kicks Valentine's Day's ass all over the place. Hmmmm, let's see, would you rather (yes, I'm gonna say it again) party like a rockstar with all of your friends and dance and have a few drinks and basically just have a kick ass time OR spend a bunch of money on useless crap to make up for the fact that you're a slacker about showing people you care all year long. Gee, that's a tough call. Riiiight. So, I'm boycotting Valentine's Day and celebrating the hell out of Mardi Gras....I'm even breaking my usual rule of not going out during the week to hit the clubs for Fat Tuesday. Don't think I'll be going as far as to show off the rack for beads, but now that my head is clear and I don't have any baggage I'm going to start being a normal single chick.....whatever that is....

2 1/2 weeks of whatever

My mission for the next couple weeks is to keep an eye on my folks' house and take advantage of my unlimited access to the car. (yes, I know, still using my parents' car at 27 years old, what's up with that, but that may or may not be addressed another day....) Now, prior to the storm we had yesterday that took out a bunch of power lines and knocked over my parents' fence and trees which crushed roofs and cars and mailboxes, I was going to head north to the big city and party like a rockstar for the weekend. But I've started to rethink that idea and staying close to home sounds like the intelligent choice. Seeing the power lines sparking and the debris all over the streets and the 100 year old trees split right in half kinda worried me. I normally like storms - the wind whipping around the streets, the rain coming down in buckets, the thunder booming and lightning flashing - it's awesome to watch from a safe, dry place. Yesterday was different...I was actually concerned about getting hit by a falling branch or fried by a loose power line while I was walking home from work. And when I finally did get home and turned on the news, it turns out there had been three college students trapped in their truck by a fallen tree and right around the corner from my house a tree fell and crushed empty parked cars. Falling trees took down power lines and since electricity and rain don't mix, there were power outages and sparking lines all over the city. Oh yeah, all of that mayhem happened over the course of just two hours. And then it was over. Pretty freaky stuff. City clean up crews have been working around the clock to clear the roads and haul off the trees and power is slowly being restored. I had to detour from my normal walking to work route this morning to avoid the loose power lines and a work crew that had closed off the street in front of St. Mary's to cut up a fallen tree. The main interstate was closed for 20 miles into and out of the city last night and I haven't heard whether it's been reopened. All of that adds up to partying like a mellowed out, aging rockstar in the comfort of my own home, thankyouverymuch. Call me what you will, but I'm not taking any chances....

A letter to my sister and other goofy junk

If you don't already think I have a few screws loose, the hoodlyhoo you're about to read should clear that right up. The following is an e-mail I sent to my sister, who has a tendency to fall off the planet for weeks on end, telling her what I really think:

Ok, what tha hell...you don't write, you don't call....people are wondering if you're still alive!!! What da dilly yo??? Anyway, your sister misses you or something so you'd better quit being an H to the izz O....and REPRESENT, know what I'm sayin'??!! I know you're out there rollin' with the homies and flashing the bling-bling around the bougie cruise ship, but put down the gin and juice long enough to prove those mad e-mailing skills...word. Peace and booty grease, my sistah...I'm out. MC Tricky T

I swear, I crack myself up. Anyway, it was brought to my attention today that I *am* a rockstar. And since I always say I'm going to go party like a rockstar, it was fitting that I should have a can of the energy drink called Rockstar proudly displayed on my desk for all to see. And what's their tagline? "Party like a rockstar." Nice one. I know they'll be calling me any day now to shoot a commercial and set up the promotional tour.....yeah. Rock on.

Would you rather....

Remember that game Would You Rather...? You know the one: would you rather eat live maggots or have all of your toenails ripped out? Would you rather have paper cuts on your tongue or pins poked through your eyelids? Would you rather have to talk realllllllly slow for the rest of your life or have a third eye in the middle of your forehead? You learn a lot about yourself and the people you play that game with based on what's asked and the explainations for the answers. I found out this morning by playing with a friend at work that I'd rather do random, uncontrollable, spastic jumping jacks than have to sing everything I wanted to say off-key. I'd rather have to teach myself how to fly than spend the rest of my life running along side of a semi. And I'd rather lose my sight than lose my hearing. What does that all say about me? Well, the first one was a tough choice until the stipulation was made that the singing had to be off-key and then it was an easy choice. People already look at me funny, so being randomly spastic wouldn't be that big a deal. The second one was pretty easy too - I want every day to be a learning experience but I don't want every day to be a running experience. The last one was the easiest - if I couldn't hear music, certain people's voices, rain storms.....I'd go nuts. No contest.

The Conversation of Doom

I found out last night that I have a set of balls the size of Texas. No really. They're huge. They'd have to be for me to have initiated the conversation I had last night. I was scared as hell to say what I'd been feeling to ____ and what I knew needed to be worked out or at least layed out on the table for pondering, but I did it. I flat out said I knew the reason I hadn't wanted to talk about issues from the past before is out of fear of losing him as a friend. Since I feel like I put out all the effort and I get nothing in return, it struck me that I really wouldn't be losing anything but the sadness I feel whether I'm with him or not. So I told him not to prettify or sugar-coat anything and just be direct and honest beacuse I want to finally know what went wrong with our friendship and why I feel like I get nothing. It's not even close to being finished and the heart of the talk has been put off until further notice due to bad timing, so the feeling of relief I was hoping for has been postponed as well, but at least I know I can say what I feel and not choke when the heat is on. Yes, I cried. And yes, I was emotionally vulnerable. I even apologized for hitting him with it and forcing the issue the way I did because I know it stresses him out to have a deep conversation that might result in hurt feelings. The last thing either of us wants is to hurt the other. But I stood up for myself and made my feelings known and I didn't think I'd be able to do that. So yay for me. You'd think that would be enough to make me feel pretty good about myself, but since the conversation of doom still looms, I feel like I punched myself in the stomache just to get me ready for the emotional ass kicking I'm going to get later. I guess you really do have to be broken all the way down before you can start rebuilding.

The sweetest thing

It's amazing what a phone call can do for my self-esteem. My friend from Boston called me the other night and let me vent to him about all the crap I've been dealing with lately. You know you have a good friend when they want to kick the crap out of anyone that hurts you (not that I'd let him) and they know just what to say to make you feel good when so many other things in your life suck ass. As far as being a sensitive male goes, this kid should give lessons. And while I'm sitting there feeling like an idiot and crying about not getting attention from someone else, he's sitting there telling me how great and beautiful I am and how I deserve so much better and being completely attentive. And we've only hung out together once in 3 years. Sheesh. Now, if only he wasn't on the other side of the freakin' planet....

It's just too hard...

Spent a portion of last night having an imaginary conversation with ____ and hashing out all of the things I need to just get some cajones and say to him in person. When you care about someone and don't get that feeling back, it makes you rethink why you care in the first place. I came to the conclusion that it just isn't supposed to be this hard. Maintaining a friendship isn't supposed to be this hard. Having a normal conversation isn't supposed to be this hard. Loving someone isn't supposed to be this hard.

I can't figure out if I'm just frustrated and need to change my approach to the whole thing or if I need to be done with it altogether because the relationship has run it's course and we've grown apart. I know I need to stop internalizing everything and I should have said all of the things I've held back a long time ago, but I had pretended not to care for so long that I even had myself convinced. Until New Year's. Something snapped and I've been an emotional mess since then. And I know that the only solution is to tell him everything and be done with it. Ugh....why does everything about being an adult have to be so hard?