The Conversation of Doom

I found out last night that I have a set of balls the size of Texas. No really. They're huge. They'd have to be for me to have initiated the conversation I had last night. I was scared as hell to say what I'd been feeling to ____ and what I knew needed to be worked out or at least layed out on the table for pondering, but I did it. I flat out said I knew the reason I hadn't wanted to talk about issues from the past before is out of fear of losing him as a friend. Since I feel like I put out all the effort and I get nothing in return, it struck me that I really wouldn't be losing anything but the sadness I feel whether I'm with him or not. So I told him not to prettify or sugar-coat anything and just be direct and honest beacuse I want to finally know what went wrong with our friendship and why I feel like I get nothing. It's not even close to being finished and the heart of the talk has been put off until further notice due to bad timing, so the feeling of relief I was hoping for has been postponed as well, but at least I know I can say what I feel and not choke when the heat is on. Yes, I cried. And yes, I was emotionally vulnerable. I even apologized for hitting him with it and forcing the issue the way I did because I know it stresses him out to have a deep conversation that might result in hurt feelings. The last thing either of us wants is to hurt the other. But I stood up for myself and made my feelings known and I didn't think I'd be able to do that. So yay for me. You'd think that would be enough to make me feel pretty good about myself, but since the conversation of doom still looms, I feel like I punched myself in the stomache just to get me ready for the emotional ass kicking I'm going to get later. I guess you really do have to be broken all the way down before you can start rebuilding.