Baring your soul

It's not often that I'm self-conscious. I don't have any problem being the center of attention and I don't feel pressure to be entertaining just because people are looking. I'm not trying to impress anyone or change my behavior to suit the company I'm keeping. So why is it that when I know people have read something personal I've written or I say something that makes me feel vulnerable, I try to cover it up with a joke or pass it off as temporary insanity? For example, yesterday I was talking to a friend about world issues and how we only have control over our own behavior. I said, "...if we make an effort to be good people then we're teaching by example and that's the best we can do. Oh and Dr. Phil is doing Oprah today, so he asked me to sit in on this discussion." I started to feel like I was coming off as idealistic or hokey so I threw a joke out there to lighten the mood and take the focus off of my wishful thinking. It's definitely easier to be silly or funny rather than emotional because emotional people are often thought of as being weak. And who wants to be seen as weak? But, when the wall comes down for those few minutes of writing or conversation, it's already out there for the world to see and it's not like my jokes are going to change the fact that I'm an emotional, sensitive person. I guess I just don't want to be misinterpreted....and that's easy to do if you're reading what someone else has written. Yes, I'm emotional and can at times be sentimental and squishy about stuff. But I'm really pushing myself to be as honest as possible so I take comfort in knowing that no matter how hokey I may sound, at least I'm being truthful about how I feel. And the people who are able to wade through the cynical, jaded crap I spew to get to the good emotional stuff are the people who actually get to see me. So consider yourselves special......'cause I don't share this stuff with just anybody.