Hello, weinie.

If you haven't seen Punch Drunk Love, go. Right now. It's for your own good.

Well, it's Halloween and I have no plan. That's sort of sad but unless I dress up to give out candy or O. calls me and says, "yeah, fire it up, let's go out...," I think I'm in for a night of scary movies and hanging out with the holy trinity of moi (that's me, myself and I for those of you who are hung-over, stoned, haven't had your coffee or are just slow today). I remember going trick-or-treating and thinking the people who answered the door in a costume were cool... like they still had some little kid left in them that was itching to get out and roam the neighborhood with us. So, since that's definitely true of me, I may get all dolled up like a fairy godmother and give out treats to the little ghouls and goblins that are braving the cold wind we've got going on here. I love seeing the kids anyway, so if O. doesn't come through, I won't be too disappointed. What're you wearing?

It's just that easy

Going to see Punch Drunk Love with Bolton this afternoon. He's a friend of Ryan's who has hung out with us a few times and is a serious movie hound. I've heard nothing but good stuff about the movie, so I'm excited.

Since tomorrow is the 10th anniversary of the day we met, I had this idea that O. and I should recreate the scene from our first Halloween, only with updated costumes, and go do dinner. He was in a grass skirt, had his face painted like a skull and was smoking a cigar. I had on a big pink southern belle dress and my hair in pincurls. Obviously, I don't have the dress anymore and he didn't keep the grass skirt (what was he thinking?) so we'd have to change things up a little, but we'll see if he goes for it. There's a big haunted house set up downtown so maybe we could hit that after dinner..... man, I'm full of good ideas today! Yeah, baby. Fire it up.

Floored

Around 6ish last night, O. called and asked what I was doing for the rest of the evening. A few minutes later the plan was for him to come over and we'd make a plan then. I was a little surprised that he didn't already have plans with his girlfriend Jody, but she had said she was going straight home from work and going to sleep, so he had nothing to do. We went to Than Thao, a little Vietnamese/Thai restaurant over on Hawthorne, and when I said I'd never been there, he looked at me like I'd been living in a cave since 1983. I offered to kick his ass since he was due, we went in, got seated, scanned the menus and ordered. Next thing I know, I'm in The Godfather and he's saying in his best raspy Marlon Brando voice, "So, I've called you here for a reason..." We both laughed, but I could see he actually had something to say so I was a little apprehensive. O. and I have a long and tainted history (it'll be 10 years on Thursday and this is the guy who put me off of men for so long) and we've had our share of emotional blowups that usually stem from trying to define our relationship, which was a sketchy subject several years back. He used to be really bad about dealing with conflict and expressing how he felt and I would get frustrated to the point of tears trying to get him to talk to me. Things have been really good since a long overdue reaming I gave him earlier this year and we're both in a good place about our friendship. So when he said, "No, seriously, I need to say something to you...," I was dreading the next thing to come out of his mouth. Ever the cynic, I assumed it would be bad. Turned out to be an apology for treating me like crap and being a shitty friend for all these years. He said he'd been thinking about how he doesn't call people back right away (sometimes ever) and usually doesn't think twice about it, but with me, he wants to be a better friend and is going to make more of an effort. I didn't really know what to say. He was acknowledging 10 years of taking me for granted and treating me like crap and I just sat there with my mouth open. Somehow, the conversation went back to lighthearted banter, we got our food, ate, boxed up the leftovers and got the check. Coincidentally, his fortune cookie said, "Treat others as you would treat yourself." That had us laughing again and we went back to my house to watch Castaway. As he was leaving to meet Jody at his house, he thanked me for having dinner with him and for the movie and we agreed to keep each other in the plans for Thursday.

I know now what I should have said... He shared a vulnerable moment of personal growth with me and I should have said thank you.

Go Ahead... Fix Me

So, the movie had slipped his mind and he spent the day absorbed by baseball and then football and of course beer with the guys. He wanted to continue hanging out with the guys and I didn't push it so we didn't go. That's all I'm saying about that.

I want you to know I wasn't always like this about men. In fact, I avoided any contact with them on an intimate level for over seven years. I had guy friends but didn't date casually or otherwise that whole time. I've never had a serious relationship that lasted longer than a month and I can count the number of men I've felt comfortable enough to sleep with on one hand with fingers to spare. I've always been the girl who's thought of as one of the guys until this year as far as I know. The men whom I've loved (and I won't say I was "in love" as I believe that state to be a reciprocal one) have all said they loved me as a friend, would be more than happy to sleep with me, but didn't want a serious relationship. I've never understood how those things could go hand in hand. That has got me thinking that 1.) I'm a nice girl, 2.) I'm attractive to my male friends, and 3.) there's something about me that makes men not want to get attached. Ultimately, I think hearing that a few times has turned me into the sad soul I am today. My friends have lately told me that those men are going to kick themselves later when they are old and alone or in relationships with people they weren't friends with first and wish they'd known what they were going to miss out on by letting me get away. That's a nice thought, but I doubt it. I doubt it because I stay friends with them and they still have that part of me I give to each person I love. I'd like to be able to take it back when I've been rejected as friends only material, but I don't have the heart to do that. It appears that I'm a magnet for the emotionally needy/commitment-phobic types. These are the people who are amazing human beings with so much talent it's impossible not to love them, but such low self esteem that they need someone else to be that for them. I've got a knack for building people up and being their support system and I do it because I truly care, however the end result has recently been falling for the person I see under the lack of drive and self worth, which hasn't worked out so well as is evidenced by some of the entries in this blog. So, if anyone has a nice, good guy for me, could you let me know? I'm considering joining a convent again but I'm pretty sure they won't take me and I don't think I can handle the rejection...

One More Thing

For the first time in about a month, I went to the guys' house after the show on Friday night. I had made a point of asking J. what the plan was and since it was Crapper's birthday, I knew folks would be up all night and in a party mood. He'd said come hang out so I was in a pretty good mood despite the new girl J. has been hanging out with when she's in town from Eugene. I'm tired of the song and dance games we've been playing and I just want to have a good, friendly relationship with him, so I'm taking the high road and stepping aside. If he wants to be with some random chick he just met a few weeks ago, then so be it. If you love someone, you set them free or whatever, so that's what I'm doing. It's the right thing to do and it'll make things with J. return to the regularly scheduled program. All I have to do now is stop wanting to kiss him everytime I see him. No problem, right? Um, yeah... right. We made plans Friday night to go see the Jackass movie later today, so that's something. Now if I could only get my mind to shut down for a few hours, it'll all be good.

The People's Court

At 10:45 this morning I was in court. Well, I was in my pajamas in bed on the phone with a judge and my previous employer. Previous employer lady appealed the decision that granted me unemployment benefits and requested a hearing, so I had to go over the whole firing thing again this morning. After being on the phone for a little over an hour, I now get to wait for the decision to come in the mail. Woo. I started getting a stomachache around 10:30...worrying myself sick, I guess. Not that there was anything to worry about, but I couldn't help it. I had no idea what she was going to say and that freaked me out. Everything went pretty well, though. And now we wait with baited breath and fingers crossed for the judge's ruling. Mindboggling. So, to pass the time, I think I'm gonna get a haircut and a beer and pretend this whole thing never happened.

Now We're Cookin'

Ok, actually I'm cookin'. Stir fry chicken and veggies with a side of rice to be exact. I didn't cook much when I lived alone because it's too hard to adjust portions for one person and I'm not a big fan of leftovers (depends what it is, though). I'm a pretty good cook, too, if I do say so myself. Guess it's one of those things where it's just not worth it if there isn't someone else around to enjoy all the work I put into it. So, now that I have a fairly captive audience, I can let out the culinary genius I've kept closeted for the last few years. Yeah, baby. Watch out, little chickens, I'm coming for you. Don't think I forgot about you Mr. Salmon Steak. I've got some butter and herbs with your name on it, little fishy. Anyone want seconds? Wait, firsts??

Sunday Lull

For the first time since I moved, I got up at 8 and didn't jump in the shower and head out into the city. The roomies were already up and the XBox was going, so I parked it on the couch in my panda slippers, pjs and a sweater and watched for about an hour or so. The bagels were calling me so I toasted one and got some juice and went right back to the couch. A little while later, I browsed the classifieds, e-mailed my resume to three places, put a copy in an envelope for a fourth and went back to the couch. Finally got up and took a shower around 12:30, pulled on jeans and a t-shirt and went back to the couch to watch The Wizard of Oz. I've spent the last hour watching Madonna videos. Guh. I've tried to rationalize my melancholy attitude by telling myself we were out late last night but, in truth, we came home and were in bed by 1am. Not that late. And I wanted to go over to the boys' house after the show, but when the roomies said let's go, I know they were trying to keep me out of trouble and all I wanted to do was get into it. I came home with the roomies instead like the good girl I'm trying to be. But today, I don't feel all that good. Not hungover or anything, just....small. All I wanted last night was to be noticed and all I want today is to crawl inside myself and pretend I'm invisible. I can't wait for Halloween when I get to be someone else for a day...

Getting Over Everything

I couldn't sleep last night. In the process of tossing and turning, I knocked a picture and a bottle of water (good thing the lid was on tight) onto the floor. After the crash, I was wide awake and tried to read, but couldn't get into the book and put it down after about 10 minutes of giving it the old college try. I put on a cd, hoping that would lull me to sleep, but that was a bad idea (or maybe just the wrong cd) because this song by the now defunct Florida band pohgoh called "friend X" just made me teary-eyed and bummed out. Made me think of that stupid guy. I know that means I'm moving past him and while it's a slow process, I *am* moving. Anyway, if you want to hear the song it's on a compliation called What's Mine Is Yours: The Emo Diaries, Chapter One. Get it, 'cause it's really good. Here's the lyrics:

you can say what you want to say. people will talk anyway. i will give you a head start. let you take the easy part. making others laugh at my expense. i'm sure you've had experience. still i have to say that was so mean. and why you have to be so mean. so mean. you can't break what's left. of my confidence. it's already shattered. while what's left of my pride. is already scattered. you won't find me fishing for compliments. but now i'm scared what to expect. now i know. what you are. empty and shallow. ugly inside. clear it up now there's nothing to hide from me. for no reason at all. you turned your back. walked away. disclaimed me. guess you'll go on being yourself. nothing that time or aging will help. i just want you to know. that you really hurt me. never knew you'd be so quick. to desert me

Old Buildings, New Business

One of the things I love about Portland is how people here care about preserving the old buildings. Take for example The McMenamins. Not only have they bought some of the coolest old buildings in the city, but they've turned some of them into movie theater/restaurant/bars. A few of us went out to the Bagdad Theater in the heart of the Hawthorne District and watched Spiderman (again) last night. The McMenamins theaters are set up so that every other row of seats has been pulled out and replaced with long tables, so you can watch the movie and eat your meal at the same time. We sat up in the balcony with a pitcher of beer and a slice of pizza. Does it get any better than that? The Laurelhurst Theater over on NE Burnside isn't a McMenamins, but it offers the same deal where you can get pizza and drinks to take into the theater. Then there's the Pearl District right downtown which used to be an industrial area but is home to some buildings which date back to the late 1800's that house some of the coolest art galleries and cafes in the area. Even the unsavory parts of downtown are being restored and buildings that were once run down and dirty are being given a facelift by new tenants like my cousins, who own Pambiche and Canita. So, come visit. I can't get enough of this city and I'd love to show it to a newbie....

My Eyes!! My Eyes!! It Burns!!

No one ever said staring at anything for too long was good for you, but I think I may have grounds for a multi-million dollar law suit against Microsoft for not including a disclaimer in their XBox manual that says playing Halo for 3 1/2 hours straight may cause temporary paralysis of the lower extremities, early symptoms of arthritis in the hands, arms, and neck, and impaired vision for extended periods of time (even after the game system has been turned off). Hell, if the lady who sued McDonald's for not telling her that the coffee was really hot can win, so could I. Just in case, I think I'm going to go play some more just to make sure it's really the game system causing me this pain and suffering and not the Bass I drank last night.

The XBox of Doom

I come rolling out of my room at 9am and what's going on in the living room? Spiderman, The Game. And it had been for at least an hour. I knew it!! That XBox is going to be the focal point of all social interaction and time suckage for at least a few weeks. Not a problem, though. I can hang with the video game posse. I just need to find a game that I really like for the XBox or lock myself in my room with my Playstation and play the games I already know and love. Somehow, that doesn't sound like as much fun as playing XBox with the roomies, but I found out very quickly that I SUCK at Spiderman. I haven't tried to play Halo yet and those are the games we have so far. I just know that renting games will likely rival renting dvds from now on and while we're all movie hounds, games are going to be more difficult as far a decision making goes. I'm digging just watching the other two play as this point... as long as they keep passing levels. It's as frustrating for the watchers as for the player when the charater keeps dying and you have to play the same level over and over and never get anywhere. So, kick ass, dudes. Don't make me rent some cheezy game like Simpson's Racing.... 'cause I will. And I'm not just saying that. I will.

Unexpected Visitor

Yesterday was originally going to be a sit around and veg after a late night out at a cd release party day, but I got a phone call around 1ish from Heath telling me he was on his way up and did I want to maybe go to the Montage for dinner and hang out. Huh. Must have gotten my number from a mutual friend. So, after heading over to Dot's for lunch with Shauna and then over to Best Buy to get me a new cd player and an XBox for Ryan (I hope that guy knows Shauna is the most excellent girlfriend ever), it was already creeping up on dinner time. Heath showed up and we were playing Spiderman, so it took awhile for us to actually get a plan together and leave the house. I already know that XBox is going to be a major source of time suckage... d'oh! Anyway, we tried to go to Canita, my cousin's new restaurant, but it was closed so we ended up at Montage after all. Mmmmm, veggie gumbo. After dinner, we headed over to Everyday Music on Sandy and each found stuff we'd been looking for and couldn't find elsewhere. In case you're curious, I ended up with the Sneaker Pimps' "Bloodsport," Juliana Hatfield's "Hey Babe," Vast's "Music For People," and Pinback's "Blue Screen Life." 40 something bucks apiece later, we were off to the Tonic Lounge because he had to pick up some records he'd left with a friend of his who just happens to be the bar manager there and makes a mean Cosmopolitan. So we hung out at the bar and talked to Chris for a bit and then his girlfriend Ashlee showed up (old friend and one time girlfriend of Heath's) and hung with us for awhile. Chris's rule is while you're sitting at his bar, you must have drink in hand and that about kicked my ass, but the guy can mix a drink like nobody's business so I can't complain. Plus, Heath treated for both dinner and drinks at the club. Hot damn. He ended up crashing at my house and left this morning to go back to Eugene. And here I thought I was going to be spending my Sunday night on the couch watching When Harry Met Sally again...

At The Library

The last few times I've been to the library, there's been this guy (tall James Dean type) with whom I've exchanged appreciative glances. For some reason, it just seems wrong. Like flirting in church. I dunno, maybe it's because I've always thought of the library as a sacred place of higher learning and lowered voices. It's a place where the thoughts and dreams of the masses are archived and protected. It's a sanctuary for the imagination.

I started going to the library when I was really little once a week with my dad. I could read and had my own library card when I was three. My dad would let me go off into the children's book section and pick out as many books as I wanted, usually 6 or 7 at a time, and then we'd go home and read together. My folks both read to me all the time from day one and I loved it. Since we travelled quite a bit while I was growing up, I've been into libraries all over the world. The overwhelming number of old books, as well as the architecture of the old buildings, always gave me a warm fuzzy feeling. By the time I was in jr. high and high school, I was reading anything I could get my hands on from Shakespeare to Jackie Collins. Books were always an escape from the petty social pressures I guess most teenagers have to endure. Anymore, I come to the library out of necessity to get my computer fix and brouse the periodical section. Still, I get this feeling when I walk through the double doors like I've just won the lottery or something. If you think about the vast expanse of knowledge available to anyone who cares to enter the building, it's pretty impressive. Yeah, you can look up anything you want on the internet and I'm a Googlephile like the rest of the computer nerds I know, but there's nothing like doing research the old fashioned way. I just like books. The way they feel in your hands, the new paper and ink smell, the old art paper inside covers... good stuff.

And then there's that guy. Looking sideways at me over the periodical index stacks and then looking down at his magasine with a cheezy grin on his face. I can't deny that he's cute in a rebel without a cause sort of way, but we're in The Library dude!! Why don't you just follow me down to St. Mary's and we can make out in the confessional? Funny thing is, I'm not even religious. I don't subscribe to any organized religion, I definitely don't go to church unless someone I know is getting married, and I'm not down with that whole Catholic guilt thing. However, I do respect the fact that other people have their own beliefs and that decorum dictates appropriate behavior in places of worship. Well, the library is like the church of knowledge, Mr. Flirty McFlirtson, so stop making me blush and when we get outside, then ask me out for coffee or something. Geez.

Looking For the Good Stuff

I think it must be the way he looks knowingly at me when we're talking about random stuff with a few other people. Or maybe it's the secret smile thing... you know that just got caught looking, look away quick and then look back, eye contact held for about two seconds longer than normal grin. I remember the exact moment when I realized I felt something for him. It was about three years ago and I'd come up to Portland with a girl I knew for a show. We had planned to crash on the guys' couches and go home to Eugene in the morning, so we were sitting around with the rest of the folks who'd come over after the show just talking about nothing in particular. Things started to wind down, there were five of us left sitting in the living room and everyone was getting tired. I jokingly said he should tell us a bedtime story. His brother and pretty much everyone else in the room said that was a bad idea, since they'd heard his stories and they apparently went on forever. I said please and that was that. Story time. Everyone else sort of tuned out but he had my complete attention. It was like no one else was even in the room. And that's when I knew. But I never did anything about it. Then, earlier this year, I had come up to visit and the house was overflowing with people crashing on couches and in the newly opened spare room, so he offered to share his room with me. I asked him to show me some of his sketches and he pulled out a children's book that his brother had written and he'd illustrated and read it to me. I loved it...the story, the drawings, him reading to me... all of it. And there was that feeling again. I've felt it a million times since then so it's too late for me. I'm hooked. Damn guy.

I Don't Wanna Grow Up

Dammit. I still don't have a job. But I pulled out the sketchbook and went down to Pioneer Square in the middle of the day when a ton of people are milling around during their lunchbreaks to draw and got some decent stuff. There was this little boy, about 4 years old, playing around near the fountains. His mom freaked out (must have thought he was going to fall in or something), grabbed his arm and dragged him off to stay near his dad. The kid pouted and when his dad picked him up, he leaned over dad's shoulder, rested his cheek on his hand and made the saddest little face. So I drew him. About five minutes later, he was laughing and running around his dad's legs like nothing had happened. Kids are cool like that. If they care about you, whether you're a parent or a friend, they forgive without question. That someone can hurt their feelings over and over and they can bounce back a few minutes later and still look at the person with unconditional love is amazing. So, I think I'm done with being a mature adult and I'm going back to being a kid. Things are far less complicated that way...

Movin' and Groovin'

I've listened to the mix cd three times now and I've come to three conclusions:

1. I need to go to see more bands that I don't know because I've gotten in the habit of always going to my friends' shows and I'm missing out on other really good music. (Not that my friends aren't amazingly talented, 'cause they are.)
2. Koji has really good taste in music and if he says go see a show or pick up an album, even if I haven't heard of the band, I'm going...even if I have to go by myself.
3. I need to hear more Modest Mouse, Death Cab For Cutie, Julie Plug, Rilo Kiley and Pinback.

Damn, I love getting new music. I'd plant a big 'ol smooch on that guy if he was here.

Shakin' That Ass

Oh hell yeah..... I just came home to two cds from Koji!! One is a mix of indi stuff and the other is a band called Enon (gotta love burned cds - two Enon albums on one disc! Woo!). I put Enon on first and I'm sold...they're playing a show at the Blackbird next week and I've gotta try to go. They're playing the following night in the Bay Area, so if I lived down there, I'd check them out with Koji. It's always more fun to go to a first show with someone who's already a fan.

Muchas Gracias, Koji! Hope you got the fax I sent today, you slacker.... =)

Taken For Granted

So, last night after the show I said I was going to go home and go to bed to avoid crying. Turns out, I was wrong. I hate being wrong.

Psychic, psycho, psych out... Is that Latin?

I'd love to be able to read people's minds. It'd make things so much easier. I wouldn't have to wonder who's being honest and who's telling me what they think I want to hear. But I'd want to be able to turn it on and off at will. I already have enough of my own head noise that I definitely don't need the constant barrage of other people's. I'd use my powers for good (ok, maybe a little evil, but everything in moderation, right?), but I wouldn't tell anyone I had "inside information." Ha. Anyway, here's what brought this on: In recent talks with my roomie's boyfriend Ryan, who happens to be a very good and very old friend of J., I'm hearing more often than not that Ryan doesn't believe the things J. has said about how he feels about me and that I shouldn't either. He has warned me to be on my guard and not take much of what J. says to heart, because he's got a history of telling girls what he thinks they want to hear instead of just telling them he's not interested. He's the non-confrontational type and wants to be everyone's friend. Ryan is convinced that J. is destined to be a lonely old man who never finds love because he's too busy being that guy who sits on the couch watching sports with the guys. I can't help but wonder what he thinks will happen to J. when the rest of the guys find women to settle down with and start that phase of their lives (and we're all at the age where that's starting to happen). Will a new crop of guys just magically appear to sit on the couch with him? Is he going to become the Matthew McConnaughy character in "Dazed and Confused" who goes for the high school girls because, "I keep getting older, but they stay the same age."?? Somehow, I doubt that. But I have faith in people's ability work out their baggage and envision their futures based on choices they make. Not that everyone should be in a relationship, but I can't think of a sadder way to grow old than alone. I don't need to be with someone, I simply want to be with someone. I'd like to know that when I'm 80, the person sitting in the room with me, reading their book while I read mine, is someone I'm comfortable enough with to not have to talk. That I've shared my life with someone significant and they've shared theirs with me. And I'm sure J. wants that too. It may not be with me, but I know he doesn't want to end up sitting on that couch alone.

Mini Me

So, I think I want a Mini. I know, those cars look like a dozen midget clowns are gonna come tumbling out when they stop, but they're so dang cute! And it's not as though I'm spending my days hauling concrete or anything, so I really don't need a big vehicle. I can see it now.... parking in those tiny little spots that most cars pass up as impossible to maneuver... zipping through traffic and hiding from the cops by sliding under semis... riding around with the windows down in those cute little polka dotted shirts and those big shoes and a big red nose and...D'oh! I can't get the clown thing out of my head. And I wonder if my legs would even fit under the dash? I mean, I have to have the seat most of the way back in the Sentra I drive sometimes and that little thing is easily 1/3 bigger than a Mini. And what's the deal with the trunk? Wait, there really isn't one. I guess the back seats drop down to make more room for luggage or whatever... Ooo, check it out, you can build your own car on the Mini site! Black exterior, black and red interior, automatic transmission, cd player, seat warmers.... woo hoo! And you can save your specs to a virtual garage...sweet! Ok, maybe it's not a clown car. Too bad you can't hear a sample of the horn... if it's one of those squeeze ball sounding horns, then that's it. No Mini for me. I refuse to drive a midgety clown sounding car. Clowns are creepy....

An Ode to Crummy Weather

While today is wet and grey
And most folks whine and say,
"Summer's done!
I miss the sun!"
I laugh at their dismay

I like the cold and rain
That most people disdain
And while I'm soaked
I'm totally stoked
No reasons to complain

It smells like fall in the city
The trees have colored so pretty
The umbrellas come out
Though the carriers pout
Unappreciative ones whom I pity

For chilly and sopped I will be
As I stomp all the puddles I see
And when I get inside
And my clothes have all dried
And I'm warmed by some coffee or tea

I'll be wishing I could have stayed
Outside a bit longer and played
While the rain falls fast
*If only it would last!*
Then my day would be made

It's got potential

I'm spending the rest of the week, I think, temping as a receptionist for an international business development firm. The receptionist I'm covering for is getting promoted when she gets back from sick leave, so her position is going to be opening up soon. The office is very modern and has a lot of open space (think IKEA) and the building itself is full of modern art and home to an art gallery. The people are nice and from what I can tell the environment is busy but casual. Could be interesting...

I'm so ready to be working again. It's not the money (I finally got the ok from the unemployment office and started gettting weekly checks) so much as keeping busy with so much free-time. I've been making myself get up around 8 every day, just so I don't get in the habit of sleeping the day away. I've read all the books I had left unread when I was working and bought four since I've been here and read those too. I've used up all of the clasps I had in my box of beading supplies making necklaces and bracelets, bought 10 more and used them all up too. I've watched 11 movies in the last 3 weeks which is more than I've watched in the last 3 months. I've written either here or in my book journal every day and sometimes mulitple entries in the book. I've colored my hair, been to two softball games, gone to Eugene and back, know the downtown library like the back of my hand, been to a bunch of different restaurants and bars, ridden the bus a few times and watched Crossing Over with John Edward more times than I care to count. And after all that, I still have a good chunk of time where I'm sitting on the couch thinking I should be doing something productive or at least sitting on the couch wasting time with someone other than myself. I'm getting to do whatever I want with my day and the only thing I want to do is go to work five days a week. Gawd, somebody shoot me...

Got my mojo back

Do you believe in magic? Or voodoo (thanks for the grisgris bag Mom and Dad!)? Or the power of positive thinking? Well, whatever it was that I did on Sunday, it worked like a charm. The boy came back and we're returning to the previously scheduled program. Yes, I know, I give people a LOT of chances that most of them don't deserve. In this case, he definitely doesn't deserve another chance. But I have to believe that in giving that chance, I've got some good karma coming. I guess it can be looked at as a gift or a curse... Someone once told me that I was the most forgiving person they'd ever known. I don't know if that's good or bad, but the older I get, I'm realizing that relationships are important to me and though my group of true friends is small, since this move the circle is slowly growing. And I'm not willing to shut him out of that circle. As long as we keep talking things out, and being honest with each other and ourselves, there will be infinite chances. I mess with my own head more than anyone else ever does and it's easy to think that people don't care when you doubt yourself. So I'm working on that. So's he. And for now, we're good and I can breathe...