Go Ahead... Fix Me

So, the movie had slipped his mind and he spent the day absorbed by baseball and then football and of course beer with the guys. He wanted to continue hanging out with the guys and I didn't push it so we didn't go. That's all I'm saying about that.

I want you to know I wasn't always like this about men. In fact, I avoided any contact with them on an intimate level for over seven years. I had guy friends but didn't date casually or otherwise that whole time. I've never had a serious relationship that lasted longer than a month and I can count the number of men I've felt comfortable enough to sleep with on one hand with fingers to spare. I've always been the girl who's thought of as one of the guys until this year as far as I know. The men whom I've loved (and I won't say I was "in love" as I believe that state to be a reciprocal one) have all said they loved me as a friend, would be more than happy to sleep with me, but didn't want a serious relationship. I've never understood how those things could go hand in hand. That has got me thinking that 1.) I'm a nice girl, 2.) I'm attractive to my male friends, and 3.) there's something about me that makes men not want to get attached. Ultimately, I think hearing that a few times has turned me into the sad soul I am today. My friends have lately told me that those men are going to kick themselves later when they are old and alone or in relationships with people they weren't friends with first and wish they'd known what they were going to miss out on by letting me get away. That's a nice thought, but I doubt it. I doubt it because I stay friends with them and they still have that part of me I give to each person I love. I'd like to be able to take it back when I've been rejected as friends only material, but I don't have the heart to do that. It appears that I'm a magnet for the emotionally needy/commitment-phobic types. These are the people who are amazing human beings with so much talent it's impossible not to love them, but such low self esteem that they need someone else to be that for them. I've got a knack for building people up and being their support system and I do it because I truly care, however the end result has recently been falling for the person I see under the lack of drive and self worth, which hasn't worked out so well as is evidenced by some of the entries in this blog. So, if anyone has a nice, good guy for me, could you let me know? I'm considering joining a convent again but I'm pretty sure they won't take me and I don't think I can handle the rejection...